Be Positive

I have to remind myself of this daily. I have to use it as a mantra or else I get in some funky and not so good daydreams...rather nightmares. I feel like there is always some pain or an issue and I default to cancer. When in reality it most likely isn't. I'm not sure when to go to a doctor or when to freak out. Mainly most everything goes away. All the old lady aches and pains are made so much scarier. How do you do this.?  How do I turn off the default? I sometimes don't think of cancer at all, like when I'm busy. But driving, cleaning or other quiet times I go to bad places. I need help. I think I'm going to look into something because I want those quiet times to be filled with happier thoughts. People don't understand the mental battle is never over. I have so much to live for, that the thought of not living scares the crap out if me. Maybe I'm just mental. I know, get over it. This shit screws you up forever! I want my old life back. :(

Checking In

It's back to work and the daily grind of juggling life, work, family and all the other stuff. Overall I'm feeling pretty good. I have aches and pains, but most likely because I'm getting old. My left side is still very tight and sore, I think I'll make an appointment to see the plastic surgeon. He can take a look, reassure me of the scar tissue areas and maybe we can schedule the fat fill. I'm going on a real diet tomorrow, so we should get this fat while it's abundant. How's that for positivity.

I have some tough days. I'm scared that something bad is lurking around the corner. I wish I could just "get over it", but having HAD cancer isn't that easy to just get over. This is a very lonely phase, the moving on part with the fear. Nobody wants to listen to what I fear, so I keep it to myself. Nobody wants to hear the tough stuff, so it's just easier to say all is fine. I don't think it can be understood unless the same shoes have been walked in. I get up each day as happy as a clam to be here. Happy to spend time with my kids and enjoy another day. It's not unrealistic to fear losing that. If it is, then maybe I'm just mental. Cuckoo. 

I'm blessed with each day, but it doesn't mean I don't want about 14,000 more!!!