TGIF the 31st

I'm blogging from my infusion... Which is easy today because there isn't any bloodwork or anything, just herceptin. I should be done in the next 10-15 minutes then I am heading off to a weekend of friends and fun. I can't wait!

I talked to my oncologist for a few minutes because she needs to send a release to the plastic surgeon for surgery. She said I looked much better than last time. Last time was horrible and I was so scared. I do look better. I feel better. She asked me about my belly pain and I said it was still there but less. Going off Tamoxofin didn't let me know if it was a side effect or not. Going to ride it out I guess.

Not sure of blogging until Sunday maybe. I'll be snowshoeing, watching scary movies, eating and drinking and kicking back with the ladies!

Hugs and happy weekend!

Quickie

No, not that. Just a note to say that I felt pretty good today, had some laughs and am excited for the weekend. I have treatment tomorrow, no blood work for another 6 weeks. It's kind of awesome and scary. I like getting the break but then it's going to be freaky waiting for results. I have to get used to the fact that I'm okay.  Cancer free-actually since last March and moving forward. Hard to believe maybe? It's been a really tough year. It sometimes takes my breath away when I think about it all- where I was and where I have been. Things are looking up and I'm going to stay positive. It's so much easier to do when you aren't feeling cruddy.  

Back to a School

School? Work? What are these things you speak of? That's how it felt today. We haven't had one five day week all if January!  The kids are having a hard time, and frankly so are we! It's hard to plan and get jumbled... But it is out of our control so we have to deal with it. Mother Nature is in charge.

I felt good today actually. I was happy to share the news of yesterday with a few people. I am thrilled we're going to do it the way I had wanted, or at least try really hard. I am nervous about the surgery and being put under...always a chance for something to go wrong.  I never heard my mugga scan results, so I'm assuming I'm fine. I would think I would have been told otherwise... I have to get my oncologist to sign off that I'm good to go, I'll ask her to do that when I go for Friday treatment.

I've been on and off sore and stiff on my bad side. Like I need some good stretching... Like scar tissue is continuing to form. All that will get cut out in less than two weeks, I'm sure I'll be stiff for a long time coming. Yes, he cuts out my scar. He's going to stretch skin from all surrounding areas... I'm sure I'll feel great!! I have wondered if it's the right thing to do, for the risk, although low, for the pain and discomfort (high), am I being vain and selfish? I don't want that. I know I'll be a scarred, uneven mess so how could it be vanity? Should I feel guilty? Women get boob jobs all the time, I'm sure they don't feel guilty and my reason is pretty valid in my eyes. But it's somethig that runs through my head.   I'm a thinker... Not always a good thing....

I am thinking about bed though, as my Zquil kicks in.  Several hardcore meds and I end up with over the counter stuff from a Target. Go figure...there are other factors of course, but who cares if I'm getting some sleep! 

Cold Day 2 & Good News

These past two days we have had no school thanks to the Polar Vortex.  It is making our weeks so short, that as soon as we  have a 5 day week, we won't know what to do.  Yesterday was a goof off day, did some baking, playing and a whole lot of nothing.  Fine, it was that kind of day.  Today, on the other hand, I felt like being productive. So I painted part of my stairway going upstairs, orange. An awesome burnt orange.  I have one more coat on one wall, but I needed Brad to cut in up high.  I wasn't going to risk a fall.  I love the color and love that I did it.

I went to the Plasticman today and I am happy to report that he thinks that I have a "fighting chance" to be able to skip the latissimus procedure. Yay!  He was pleasantly surprised at how nice I healed.  He said that I had options.  Here is what were are planning.   He is going to go ahead and plan for putting in two tissue expanders, based off of my healed skin.  If this works, I will go through the normal procedure of increasing the expander, the settle time and the switch out in June.  That is BEST case scenario.  If...he gets in there and the tissue is not pliable, or my muscles are not cooperating, I have given him the permission to do the latissimus procedure while I am there.  In his words, "I will turn you on your side and harvest your muscle."  Then he made a Children of the Corn reference. Either way it was creepy and appreciated.  OR....this could happen:  He puts in the expanders and the one doesn't cooperate as well as the other and stops stretching.  He would then do the latissimus procedure at the switch out in June.  As you can see this can go down many roads.  I am optimistic that he will be able to do the expanders and I that I will be on track one. 

We went over the 9 pages of surgical consent.  I don't think I signed nearly anything like that for having both my sisters removed. I am asking for new ones and I had to sign away my first born.  I will miss you Dane.

I will be in the hospital 1-2 nights depending on how well I can meet the kick you out criteria: walk, eat, oral meds, pee on own and one other that I don't remember.  I will have four drains. Yuck.  That I am not looking forward to at all, it is kind of freaky.  At least I know what to expect. I will have them for 5-7 days.  Since surgery is on a Tuesday, we will shoot for the Monday...I got mine out fast last time.  I am banking on that again.

I have a few restrictions-no MMA fighting or MRI's.  I guess I can live with that. I also can't go snowboarding or anything where I could damage the expanders.  I get it. Bummer. I will be laid up at home for two weeks, and I will never become a rock climber if we do the latissimus procedure.  Man, what am I going to do? 

So it is good news. It is what I wanted to hear.  I have been keeping my skin moisturized, I have been working the scar tissue a bit, and now it may have all paid off.  I know the new sisters will never be real, and never look right, but they will greatly improve my self consciousness and overall quality of life.  I have to come to terms that my swimsuit modeling career is done, but hey...it is part of life.

Going to prepare my family for the impact of "going to school" tomorrow.... Thanks for all the crossed fingers.  It worked.  2014 is looking much better than last year....

Weekend Edition

It was a really good weekend! I felt good and stayed busy and had fun...all positives.  I have been back on the tamoxifen for three days and I can tell because all the aches and pains, that we're not my stomach, are back.  I'd have to say that my body takes a beating with this drug. It hurts to walk in the morning and the joint pain is back. Those I know for sure are side effects and I have to learn to deal with those. As for my weird pain I am not sure if it is back and worse or the same or what. I am trying really hard to not think about it and see if that helps.

This weekend I felt so normal that it gave me hope. Hope that all this worked and that I'm going to be okay. I saw several friends this weekend which was great! Did some movie watching, snowshoeing, Bloody Mary drinking, dinner, etc.. Couldn't really cram much more into my weekend.  It really was  a lot of fun! Makes me want a whole bunch more... Like 30 more years worth.

All was good until Brad and I were watching a series we netflixed, and one of the women is diagnosed with BC. Very hard for me to watch, made me cry . Kind of yanked me out of my good place and pulled me back to the ,"oh crap" place that I just spent the past 11 months.  I'm trying to not let it get to me. I want to be happy and good. I want to make it. I have to, and I will. 

I'm supposed to see Plasticman on Tuesday.  I am going to call tomorrow and see if there is an opening during the day since school is cancelled. That would save me a lot of running around after work. Plus I need to brace myself for the litismuss procedure or celebrate that we can skip that part. A little anxious to hear what he has to say.  I do feel like I may get my wish on this one.... Find out soon. Fingers crossed.

Stay warm!

Good Days are Good....

I've felt pretty good the past few days, both body and mind. I even worked out got on the elliptical yesterday to keep moving to get back in shape. It's good to feel good.  I had two weeks off tamoxifen and the last week I felt better but it didn't go away completely. I went back on today, if it goes back to the same, then I'll know for sure. If not maybe it will just continue to get better and go away.

I'm starting to get nervous anxiety aboutt he surgery. I'm still hoping on Tuesday that Plasticman will tell me we can proceed with the easier procedure. I'm planning on taking two weeks when he told me to take more. I don't have the sick days and if I'm feeling okay I want to go back to work as soon as I can. I just want it all to go smoothly. So I don't do any heavy lifting for awhile. In fact if they're moving muscle I may not be lifting much for a longer amount of time. Guess my weight lifting days are over. Damn. 

But for now, I plan to enjoy my life and feeling good. I haven't cried about my situation in at least a week. That's a first in almost 11 months. Progress? Dried up?  I have some fun things on the horizon and I am enjoying my family and friends. 

Staying Busy

I hate it when I finally get to bed and I realize I haven't blogged. I guess in some ways it's a good thing because it means I have nothing overly eventful to document. I currently like uneventful. I have been feeling better. I would say that the weird ache isn't totally gone but is way better and less noticeable. I wonder if it's the drug. I will go back on it in a couple of days to find out. If there is a coincidence with anything else I will be none the wiser.

Yesterday I had my massage. It is the one thing I have been doing for my wellness regularly. It's part masage, part therapy, part metaphysically stuff.  Either way she keeps my body from seizing up. Next step: green smoothies. I like drinking them, just not making them.

Last night Mars told me she kind of wishes we didn't get iPads for Christmas, or Dane a phone. She thinks it is taking away from family time. She's seeing my point of view! I'm always battling the devices! However I am addicted to Scramble with friends-it's Boggle in 2 minutes...if anyone wants to play with me shoot me an email or text and we can word battle. Okay, that sounds so nerdy. 

Took the kids shopping for little things they wanted to spend their money on-big eyes creatures and phone accessories.

Dinner, reading and chilling for this evening. Baby, it's cold outside! What a winter so far and we're not close to done!

Weekend post

I don't have my glasses on so this should be fun. Yesterday I felt great and went snowshoeing again while Marley sled. Dane was pretty tired from his long snowboard trip on Saturday, so he didn't go. I also baked the most decadent thing I've ever made. Brownie cupcakes with chocolate chip cookie dough frosting. Ridiculous..  We also made a nice Sunday night dinner together.

Today was MLK  day so no school. We slept in, had breakfast and did some chores around the house. Mainly purging clothes that don't fit- which is half Dane's wardrobe. Kid is growing like a weed!

This afternoon I took Marley ice skating for the first time. I wasn't sure how it was going to go and anticipated me having to hold her up. I will never underestimate that girl. She took to skating just fine.  She did a great job and was cruising along. She wouldn't stop until the buzzer rang and we were kicked out. I am so proud of her!

I have to admit I'm tired. My legs are sore, but I did some good exercise this weekend and I'm proud of me. I feel a bit of the ache this evening so I'll gauge it over the next week. If I feel lots better like the last two days maybe it is a side effect. I'll go back on this next weekend, I will know then. But I'll take good feeling days, makes me feel normal and makes me live my life like I used to-and hat makes me happy. I like being happy. 

Good Day

Today was a good day! I woke up feeling pretty happy and good. Started the morning with cofee and breakfast with Marley, who insisted on having her own "cup of Joe". So I made her a tiny cup with cream and sugar. She was surprised I said okay. She tried a sip and faked it. Her 9 year old palate isn't ready for that yet. :)

Brad, Mars and I did a SAMs club trip and braved the overcrowded, slow moving streets. Omg people, have you never seen snow before? You live in Illinois!

When we got back Karen and I took the girls sledding. While they sled, we went snowshoeing. We trekked along for over an hour. It was beautiful out. It was about 16 degrees and snowing. It was really pretty.  I had a great time and felt good about the exercise. 

When we got back Brad had cocoa ready for us. Karen and I added a little peppermint schnapps to it to round off a great winter's day.

Then I chilled and crafted for a few hours. Afterwards we met Kristin and Bob for dinner. Marley stayed at Bridget's and had a "sleep under". Overall today was fulfilling on many levels. I think it started with me feeling less pain today. Today I had a significant less amount of discomfort. I was thrilled. Helped the day along:)

Planning on some snowshoeing tomororw too. And planning on feeling even better! Upward swing!!! Fingers crossed!!

TGIF

Today was fine. Productive at work. I still feel cruddy in the chronic burning pain on the right side of my belly and pelvis. I'm trying hard to ignore it but it's annoying. I've been off the tamoxifen for a week now, I should be feeling a difference if it's a side effect. Once that's ruled out, I just don't  know.  I have a massage on Tuesday, that always relieves other pains so maybe that will help. 

I came home after work today to a very scary moment. Dane was home but Marley wasn't. No backpack, no coat, no Marley. I started to panic. I called around the house and outside. I sent Dane running to neighbor's houses she would go to. I called Brad and told him she didn't get off the bus. Then I called the school. My heart was racing and I felt panicky. The secretary told me that she was in art club today and will be done at 4:30. Holy crud that was scary! When I picked her up she told me she called and left a message. I didn't see a call but when I looked, there it was. She apologized. I told her she did nothing wrong and that I was just so worried about her. It all ended well. Talk about my heart skipping a few beats!!

Tonight I went with a friend to my neighbor's house for a little party. A nice night out and we were home early. Hung out with Brad and Marley because Dane is staying at a friend's house because he leaves for his snowboarding trip at 5:00 a.m.  Hope he stays safe and has fun!

No big plans this weekend....and it's just fine. 

When Does it End?

Why couldn't I get the ct scan and go off the Tamoxofin and start feeling better? Why do I feel worse? Why do I have strange pains that now seem to be more intense and now include back pain? I don't get it, and I don't know what to do. I am giving the drug stopping the two weeks I said, but then what? If it isn't gone I don't know where to start. My oncologist had no idea either. She said maybe a Gastroenterologist.  Ultimately what test woukd they do? A CT scan... So I'll be back to square one becuse that came out good. It's just super annoying that my mind gets a break and my body doesn't. I'd like them to match for awhile. 

I'm trying not to complain because I have to hang on to the ct results as the best case scenario of outcomes. But there is something going on. It may certainly be muscular, but it is uncomfortable. Maybe in four weeks when I have surgery I'll get some good norco and all the pain will go away. It had better be gone or figured out by then. 

Bought myself some ZQyil to try to get a better night's sleep. Going to chill with Brad for a bit and then hit the hay. 

Movie Tuesday...A Random Occurance

Didn't sleep well last night, very aware ifweird  pains. Maybe I'm focusing on them too much because I need them to go away, or they are getting worse. I am leaning towards a muscular issue as I can never pinpoint an exact spot and it feels like it moves. The lack of alien baby was confirmed with the scan. Back to know clue...but it's not cancer...that's all I know.

Brad took Dane to see the Hobbit tonight so Mars convinced me to see Frozen. Like all Disney movies, tradgedy must strick the parents-both drown in a ship leaving two orphaned girls. Nice Disney movie formula.  We were home early so it wasn't bad, but made me even more tired and unmotivated-so I'm going to bed. Extra rest is needed and I can do it. 

Here's to tomororw, may it be sunny and warmer...with a chance of no belly pains...

Hunka Hunka Mugga Love...

I have been off the Tamoxofin for four days now and I am not seeing any difference. I know that it is only four days and takes at least a week to get out of my system, but I am needing instant gratification and results.  I am so eager to have an explanation so I can fully move on with my life and put pain and worry aside. I am not really worrying about it, but it isn't comfortable. Actually this afternoon it seemed worse. I cannot think of anything I did to make it feel this way. My lower back hurts too.  No, it isn't my kidneys because they came back perfectly fine.

I had my Mugga heart scan this afternoon, but that wouldn't have done anything.  The scan was fine. I did have to get a stupid IV, I just couldn't look-grosses me out.  Especially when she re-injects me with my own blood that is mixed with nuclear goo. Yuck. Gross.  The technicians are always super nice and once the scan started, it was less than a half hour.  Overall it was okay. I actually made a bit of a game out of it. I had heart monitors on my chest that measured my pulse.  I was working on controlling it and watching it go up an down. I could increase my rate by talking and getting energetic, then I would zone and calm it down. My goal was to keep it at a steady 72, which I did. I impressed the technician.  She also said she has never experienced someone playing with their pulse rate while having their heart tested.  There is a first for everything.  She couldn't tell me my result, but hopefully it will fall into the normal range. I don't want to have heart issues because of the Herceptin. That would be bad. I am almost half-way done with the treatment, and I would like to finish it up to get the maximum bang for my buck.  Last time I had the scan they put it in my online medical chart, I should know tomorrow.  I am sure they will call me if it isn't good. I am surprisingly not alarmed or nervous about it, I think it will be fine.  One less thing to worry about.

I am starting to get ready for the surgery, at least in my head.  I am hoping that we can do the easier procedure. I am thinking positive and have a good feeling that there is a small chance.  Although the burns have healed, I do feel a tightening of skin in the entire quadrant area. I will be working on stretching and making myself more pliable. 

I think I am done with doctors for a couple of weeks.  I will see both surgeons the last week of January.  Then I have one treatment before surgery, then surgery. I think it is only like four weeks away from tomorrow.  I guess I should start thinking of planning stuff for around the house and the kids, because I will be in the hospital a couple of days and then pretty useless for at least a week. Brad is 100% capable, but it is hard when  you have to do all the parent stuff, house stuff and be a caretaker. I am planning on taking two weeks off of work and returning after. That is my goal.  I am sure I will be sore for awhile after, but too long at home makes me crazy and then it will be too reminiscent of last year.  I would rather get back on the horse and go to work.  I like going to work because it keeps my mind busy, I have great kids to teach and I work with wonderfully supportive people.  I couldn't ask for it to be any better in that part of my life. 

Busy evening...didn't get back from scan until 5, picked up Mars from Girl Scouts, then fast dinner and then to a 4H meeting. Now going to get kiddos ready for bed and school and then it is fuzzy jammie pants for me.

New Years Day

I started my new year by doing one of my favorite things, meeting a friend for coffee. That's a good start to any year, or day. I followed that up with an hour plus Target shopping trip with both kids...always a blast....came home and hit a wall. Not sure if I slept poorly, or need to recover from the past days of draining stress. Who knows. Chilled out a bit and ran more errands. I felt good today.  I still have the pains, but my head is in a better place and I hope that helps. No tamoxifen for two days, can't expect miracles that fast. 

Tonight we made tacos and watched the next installment of Star Wars. Low key. We're really good at low key now. Brad used to get frustrated with me because I always wanted to something all the time, and I could never relax. That has changed. I know how to relax now. I also feel less guilty for sitting around and reading or playing games with the kids. It's all good now. I can relax. Yeah!

Don't know what tomorrow brings but I do know that living lighter in the worry world is a blessing. I took a travel survey today and the last few questions were about my general happiness in life. It was on a five point scale. I rated my happiness at a four. The only thing keeping me from a five, is dealing with all this stuff. But I guess I officially now can stop worrying for nine weeks? Right? I am a survivor! I don't like labels.  I don't need to be called anything but: mom, honey and Donnanne....

G'night

Happy New Year

If you have ever hiked with a full backpack and remember what the feeling was like when you reached your destination and removed it...then you may slightly be able to understand the feeling that I experienced when my doctor told me that my CT was all good. The internal drama and primal fear that led up to the results was exhausting. I thought I was going to explode. I felt like jumping out of my skin and yanking at my hair. I sat there and thought, outloud to poor Brad, that in the next five minutes I could be given news that I'm in serious trouble.That all I did  this past year was for nothing and that I was going to die. That my insides were rotten and there was nothing they could do. I know it's extreme, and it's way easier to say that I should stop thinking like that, but until these shoes are waked in, which hopefully they never will...you can't understand. Or...she could walk in and give me the green light to move on. Which is what happened. That time waiting was sheer panic, I hate it and I never want to experience it again. 

My blood was drawn accidentally, which I thought was a bad sign...that the doctor ordered it because of what she saw on the CT. Instead, I was told, and have to believe it was a timing error. See, this week was just herceptin... But we planned a check in because I was concerned about the pains and had the ct. Now I don't have to do blood or see the oncologist for 9 weeks. That will be post op and recovery. Things are starting to look up.  I will be able to proceed with surgery on the 11th. I am hoping at the end of January when I see Plasticman again, he will love my skin and knock me down to a regular procedure. Not the more extensive litismuss procedure. 

This afternoon was exhausting. After the relief of news I still  had to process it. I'm still working though it. There isn't an explanation for my pains. Brad asked the doctor if I could go off the tamoxifen for two weeks to see if there is a difference. She said that since it's a long term drug that it was a good idea to rule out side effects. I'm going to do this. If in two weeks I feel the same, we know it's not the drug and something else. Which then means going to see a GI. If the pains go away, which I'm banking on, we know it's a side effect. Then I make a decision-stay on drug and cope...or go off it because it effects me too much. I will cross that bridge when I get there. The pains are weird, more of an odd sensation-I'll probably live with it because it's a proven drug and I have a high tolerance for pain and discomfort.

I also went to see the radiologist to show her my skin, which she thought looked great. She thought a month more will be just fine for surgery. I also got herceptin. That's so easy now. The port I hated is now a part of me that I barely notice. One of the nurses told me that she has a lady that has been on herceptin for ten years. Ten years!!! If that's the case, why wouldn't we all stay on it if it continues to block and do its job? If that's going to save my life, sign me up.

I am sitting here decompressing from an afternoon I'd like never to repeat. I know we don't want to cook but it's so rainy and crappy out we kind of dont want to leave. A conundrum. ***okay...went out to dinner and now home. 

I'm just relieved I am currently okay. I know that all my friends and loved ones  (ya'll) helped this to happen. I believe my guardian angel, my mom, is holding my hand through all of this. Happy New Year to me. Today, January 10, the first day of 2014, the year of rebuilding Donnanne, begins.

Hugs. Xoxoxo

CT Scan...check

Yesterday was just tiring going back to work so I forgot to blog. Nothing major occurred and I didn't have to go see any doctor or have a test. Today on the other hand was different.  I didn't have coffee which was really hard for me, I do like a cup to get me going in the morning and prevent the caffeine withdrawl headache that I suffered all afternoon.  I also couldn't eat past 11 am.  I choked down part of a peanut butter sandwhich at 10:55, just to not have an empty stomach.  Then the fun began. I had to drink two giant bottles of barium.  I had two flavors, one mocha and the other banana. I started with the mocha. I put it in my water cup with a lid and it took about 45 minutes for me to finish it. Each chug was followed by me plugging my nose to choke it down.  I had a little time in between bottles, but I had to hit the second one quickly.  That was the banana.  Tasted like a banana laffy taffy, with a horrid after taste.  The thickness and consistency was almost enough to make me gag.  I was hungry, I was bloated from all the goo, I had a headache and I was mentally and physically exhausted.  That was before the test!!!

Got there just on time, not that anyone ever says anything they are all so nice. On my way there Brad texted me that he was going to meet me there. That was sweet, he didn't need to.  The nurse who was taking care of me was a real sweetheart.  She also made my day because she said she could do everything through my port, as long as it was a PowerPort... Yes, a break. No IV.  She gave me that good news and then asked if I could chug another smaller glass of barium.  I held my nose and down the hatch it went. Vanilla.  The best of the three.  She accessed my port with no pain or discomfort.  The actual scan was of my pelvis and abdomen. The scan time itself was like 4 minutes total. It took 100 times longer to get me ready and all that.  I was out of there fairly quickly when it was done.  The nurse told me the images are instant, and they would be sent to my doctor tomorrow.  I see my doctor tomorrow.  I get Herceptin and a scheduled appointment to see how I was doing. I will know my results tomorrow.  Happy, happy, joy, joy...

This evening I am crashing.  So tired.  I am trying not to worry about the results.  I think they will be good.  They have to be.  I am willing them to be good. I need all the miracles and wishes to come my way.  I know I will be scared tomorrow and I will get nervous towards the afternoon. Brad will be with me, thank goodness. 

My stomach is a roiling vortex of doom. The barium is going to rip through me with a fury. Fun times. I am about to get comfy and go find my fire and hang with the kids a bit before they go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day...that will bring good news!  That's tonight's mantra.

Fingers, toes, ears and eyes crossed....

A Look Ahead...

Well, when the going gets tough...the tough gets run through the mill...again.  I heard from my primary doctor today that my ultrasound was perfectly normal, nothing high or low...beautiful.  That is good news, however doesn't explain a damn thing for the sensations I am having.  We talked about getting the CT scan to "ease my mind".  As much as I completely freaked out about having it done, I am going to do it...on Thursday.  No time like the present.  It will go one of two ways: All good, and I will feel great and move on! And I will know that the yuckies I am dealing with are drug related.  I can process and adjust.  Or, they find something else and I have to deal with another mess.  I vote for the first one of course.  I am a tad stressed out...go figure.  Nobody promised me that this was going to be easy.  Nobody.

I have a fun week ahead of me.  I have the CT on Thursday afternoon.  Which means I get to chug the barium liquid at school. Fun times. Then on Friday I get Herceptin and see the oncologist. She probably won't have the CT results because they take two business days they said.  Then on Monday I have the Mugga heart scan, yes, it has been another three months. That means two IV's, my favorite!!!  I am also trying to see my surgeon, because I have another issue to ask her about, but can't get in until Jan 29th.  I am stressed.  I am over the top stressed out right now.  I am trying to hold it together, but it isn't easy.  I thought once I was done with the "hard stuff", things would be better. I thought I would bounce back and start being able to live my life again, without sickness, pain, burns, and major side effects....but no. I am not lucky enough right now to not be fearful of this next week and what is going on in my body.

I know that worrying is bad. I know that stress kills. Brad tells me that worrying will kill me.  That doesn't help because then I am killing myself right now, I can't help but worry. Most normal human beings would if they were in my situation. They would.  I know it...if not, I am a pansy assed worry wart, and there is nothing I can do to change that.

Five weeks from today I will hopefully be having phase 1 of my reconstruction. I  know that my fear of something bad interfering with that surgery is also causing me huge anxiety.  I want to just move on.  I am tired of burdening my husband with my drama, nobody wants to hear it.  I don't want to hear it either.  I really don't know what to do. I am feeling pretty down, alone and scared.  It is a joy to be me today.  However, Marley and I made yummy cookies on cold day2. That's something good.

That's all I've got. 

Deep Freeze

Cold day 2014!  Didn't leave the house, because I didn't have to! Kept a toasty fire going all day and mainly hung out and played with Marley. I haven't heard from the doctor yet, which doesn't surprise me. It was Friday afternoon and all, I plan on calling in the morning. I've pretty much decided that regardless of the results I want to get the CT scan. I'm driving myself crazy and my body is rebelling. Then I can truly know the side effects I'm dealing with. The doctor did say that some people can't handle the side effects, and discontinue taking tamoxifen. I can deal, I can adapt because I know the drug is very beneficial.  But I need concrete answers. I see the oncologist on Friday when I get herceptin. 

Tomorrow school has been called again. The temperatures all day were crazy low, saw-16 this morning. Brr. It will be extra hard to get out of bed on Wednesday... The longer were home the more distant the reality is that we all need to go back! Just too cold to think about not wearing sweatpants everyday... Oh, that's going to be worse than getting up!!

I will continue to stay as positive as possible and deal with whatever as it comes. Most likely it's nothing is my mantra....

Stay warm....

If I ever go blog from the computer, I'm going to put up a video, if possible, of me snowboarding. Brad took video, and it's a first. It's kind of cool. Makes me strong. 

Stay Warm

Baby it's cold outside....I slept alone last night as Brad had fallen asleep on the couch. We had a long day with a lot of fresh air! Surprisingly, I felt really good today. Oddly, my pains were markably less distinct. Go figure. Maybe I stretched and knocked things back in place? Maybe I busted something lose? I didn't explode on the slopes, so that was a bonus. I don't know, but I'll take it. I am really surprised that I am not sore. However, I usually have the one day delayed soreness thing and tomorrow could be a bear. Doesn't matter though, as they have called off school and we are home in the deep freeze. Not planning to venture out in that!  

We took most of the Christmas decorations down today and rearranged a few things. The kids played outside for hours building forts. Dane and his friend built a fort and covered it with disposed Christmas trees they scoured the neighborhood for. I think we have three forts and eight trees in front of our house. It's what kids are supposed to do with all that snow!

This evening each kid had a friend and a movie night-instead of the dreaded sleepover. Brad was on the computer and I read. Pretty relaxing. I am hoping to hear that my ultrasound was good or that I have something super common or simple. I am hoping yesterday was the start of my new beginning...

It's a balmy 1 degree in Batavia right now, can't wait to see the thermometer drop to -19...I'll believe it when I see it...or feel it... Brrr.

Stay warm! This should help!

Saturday Ride

We're  on the way home from a fun day on the slopes. I am glad this old horse held up. I didn't push myself, I convinced myself that I have nothing to prove. Nothing. To anyone. That's hard. I like to push and play hard, I just couldn't take those risks. I have been riding for 25 years, which makes me so old it's scary! I was there when it was spanking new, so I am a pioneer...but I don't have the stamina or strength of my old self. But when I'm out there I think I'm 25, and feel free. It's a great way to use my imagination and relive my youth...But thank goodness for muscle memory...because I'm not that youngster anymore.

I was hit by one guy and had a small fall, and then I had to bail fairly hard to avoid slamming my board into Marley's face.  I will always take the hit for my kids. Always. Otherwise all was pretty smooth sailing. The best part of the whole day is the escape. I felt normal, I felt like me. I knew my limits but I wasn't at home worrying about the next crap. I chose to not sit this one out. I chose to live real life!

I still have my stupid pains as I ride home in this snowy weather. I feel like one of my pain is spasming. That would indicate some muscular issue....I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow...all over....but that's okay. 

We are expecting 5-10 inches of snow, and then the deep freeze...sounds like a winter mess. If schools are closed, I'll be nursing my achy body...if not, I'll know that these are good pains....

Overall we had a great family day!

Fri/Sat

Yes I forgot to blog yesterday, my bad. I appreciate that you care. I went for my ultrasound and found nothing out.  The technicians tell you nothing and send you off. I don't know when someone will read it, I'm assuming early next week. She didn't spend much time on internal or external exam. Less than five minutes each. In my head that's a good sign. She wasn't hovering in an area or anything buy she also didn't say anything. Argh.  

So I wait. 

Last night we had friends over and we had soup and bread. We also watched a movie. Low key night.  Low key is good.

Right now we are in Wisconsin on he way to Cascade to take the kids snowboarding. Is it a good idea? I don't know. I'm tired of not doing the things I love because I'm weak or in pain. What if this is the pain I have to live with forever? I need to adjust and get used to it. I'm done sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I will take it easy and just enjoy the day. It's supposed to be 28 and light snow.  Need fresh air before the deep freeze.

I can guarantee that I will be sore later and for the next two days, but to me that's good pain. That's the pain I want to feel...muscles working, lungs filled with crisp air... That's living!

Break is Almost Over

It's getting to be the end of winter break, and I've pretty much been a bum.  I kind of liked it. Especially coming off all those daily trips to Aurora.  There have been days where I haven't even left home, and I don't feel bad about it.  Today I left for a little shopping and later I took Dane and a friend to the movies.  I also graded papers, made homemade pasta and worked on a puzzle I started yesterday...we finished tonight. 750 pieces. I know.. Dorks. So what.

Tomorrow I have my ultrasound to see if there is an alien baby growing in my womb. If it had to be something, that's what I want it to be. Why? First of all, it would totally freak Dane out...he just loves aliens....Secondly, I'd be rich$$$$$ I could set my family up for life!  I could go on the talk show circuit and sell pictures to tabloids...and the marketing...dolls, t-shirts-and a hefty book offer... Endless possibilities.  Lastly, because it wouldn't be anything bad.  I vote alien.

 I don't know if I'm nervous or anxious anymore or if I have come to peace with knowing that whatever is going on isn't in my control. It also is probably not bad, it can't all be bad...actually, it can, but that would suck....and I am not going to have a sucky year... Been there, done that! Moving on. 

Getting ready to be thrown into a deep freeze here. Tomorrow is supposed to be bad and Monday a high of -9. Doesn't that fall into the oxymoron catagory? Brr.  Bet school gets cancelled. Too many kids walk, buses won't start and kids are exposed at bus stops. Seems like a disaster ready to happen.  Who knows. 

Done for the night. Fingers and toes crossed for tomorrow.

2014

Happy New Year!  This year must be better, I demand it! I will it to be better dammit... Anyway we spent the evening with several of our neighbors and way too many kiddos...jk. We played some games and I even left with a "spoons" battle wound. The parents were pooping out before the kids -so we celebrated NY New Years and went home.  As long as it is 2014 somewhere in the United States, we're good.

Woke up today with beautiful snow flittering around. A great start to the year. We rallied friends and organized a trip sledding with all the kids. We made a fire in the pavilion, had hot toddies and cocoa. A perfect winter afternoon.  I went up the ice covered hill once and sled down, but only once. I just cannot afford to hurt myself. I'm already pissed at how out if shape and weak I have become. I've never been like this and I am angry about it. I have always been strong with a lot of energy and stamina. I am not myself.  Another goal for this year.

I did not hear from scheduling an ultrasound. I will call early tomorrow to get it done by the weekend. I know I will feel better once they tell me all looks good. I still feel the oddness, yesterday was a little less, who knows. All I do know is last year was the year I was diagnosed and treated for BC. This year has nothjng to do with that. It's done. It's over. Moving forward. Positivity only.  Once back at work, there will only be 5-6 weeks before surgery. Is it weird to look forward to that?  It means progress. Progress is good. 

Happy New Years!