300

I haven't blogged from the computer in ages.  I have been blogging from my phone because I started to forget at night, and Brad took his laptop.  I am a creature of habit, so when things change I forget.  I am blogging early this morning because I checked how many posts I have had, and today is number 300!  That is a lot of me ranting about my marathon from Hell.  I put my first 150 pages into a hardcover book to have forever, I guess it is time to do the same for these last blogs. I don't blog for anyone but myself.  I know it keeps may people informed about what is going on in general, but if I told you all I felt it would be one demented story. There is always a lot going on, and honestly, it isn't easy being me this past year.  I have to say that the 27, 227 blog views is amazing.  I don't know who you all are, only some.  But I have to thank you for caring enough to check in on me.  Like Brad tells me all the time...this isn't for everyone. This is a marathon, a long haul, not a quick race.  So thank you to all my secret friends out there.  Thank you for all the prayers and thoughts that have helped me deal with all that has been thrown my way for the past 10 months. Remember, pray often and hard....

Well, that was this morning and now I find myself blogging at night, before bed.  Today was fine, productive if nothing else.  I did go see my primary physician and she didn't seem over worried about anything.  She looked at all my recent results of blood work and confirmed that all looked good. My liver and other organ functions are all perfect.  She felt around my belly and didn't feel anything suspicious. She felt in my lower abdomen and I said it felt slightly tender. She didn't suggest a CT scan, she suggested an ultrasound to see if there is anything going on in my uterus or ovaries.  Doesn't mean it's bad, but could cause me discomfort.  Hopefully they will get this done for me this week while I am off of school.  I want to figure this out soon. If that is inconclusive, and I still feel this ache, I will opt for the CT scan.  I like my doctor.  I like all my doctors, I just don't like going to them.  These are good people I wish I didn't have to know.  I am going to stay positive and wait and go get the ultrasound.  I will take it from there.  I don't want anything to interfere with my February surgery. I am going to start this new year off right. Physically and Mentally. This is MY year.

Brad and I went out tonight for dinner and drinks with friends. I needed to get out so bad.  We had a great time just hanging out having a couple of beers in a cozy atmosphere and being adults.  I am excited to get my life back. I am excited to be me again.  I have promised myself that as soon as I get this belly issue in check, I am going to regain myself. I am going to get in shape, not a shape. I am going to prepare myself for my new body and mind.  This is going to be the year of me. I know what I want from myself on many levels.  I need to reclaim Donnanne...and look out world...here I come!

Sunday

Today was dreary, I don't like dreary. Last night I had Marley sleeping with me because Brad was going to be out late. I figured he would just come home and go to her bed...nope, he moved her. I didn't know it until about a half hour later when I thought a freight train was coming through my bedroom!!! The snoring! Omg! I packed my pillow and headed in with Marley...late night switcheroo. Today was grocery shopping day, because we were out of a bunch of staples and tomorrow is going to be ridiculously cold. No going anywhere unless needed...like the doctor.

Trying to stay sane. Trying not to worry about all the what ifs...  Nothing I can do but get it checked out. 

Trying to plan a fun event this week. Kids want a cake contest. Well Marley does, and then that becomes a challenge for Dane. And me.  We may have several kids here decorating cakes and whatnot. Should be interesting. Fun stuff. I want to focus on fun stuff.

Going to enjoy sitting by the fire and relaxing. 

Saturday 12/28/13

I feel crappy. Not sure if it's my belly issues, fighting a flu, side effects of tamoxifen  or just exhaustion getting through last week or so. I almost feel like I could be sick, like throw up. If that happens I'll be taking myself in the morning to the hospital. I beg that doesn't happen. I'm already a mental wreck about how I feel. So scared. It's really a lonely place to be. It sucks. I spent the day hanging out and doing very little. Brad, Mars and I went to breakfast which was a lot of fun. We did the counter at a diner and Marley was just a stitch. She brings me so much happiness. I picked up Dane later and then he left again. I miss my little boy...he has his own life now...although he texted that he loved me late last night at his sleepover. He will always be my little boy.

I guess I'm getting sentimental and weird because I'm nervous. Have to wait until Monday to get this ball rolling-unless I go to hospital...that may be a good idea if I feel shittier tomorrow. Shave a day off this mess. Hopefully there will be a few doctors working next week. 

I feel bad for my family. I feel like I have ruined so much of our lives. We were happy and had visions of our future and I messed it all up! I've apologized to Brad -he picked a bad egg....I've ruined so much. I don't want to make our lives any harder. I want to get healthy and sweep this into a past memory. I just feel bad for them. They all deserve me better. I can do it, I plan to, just let me feel better or give me a reason for this crap... Hernia? Muscle? Side effects? Busted ovary? Who knows..... But it's wearing me thin... Having a high tolerance for pain and discomfort kinda sucks sometimes.

Wow... How depressing am I? I'm lying here in a warm bed, next to Marley safe and sound. I should be happy and present in my moment and cross bridges when they come...seems like I live in Venice though...lots and lots of bridges....

Had to show this picture.. This is Marley opening her last gift...an iPad mini. Love the expression. Priceless!

Still

Well it looks like I'll end up getting scanned next week, even though I'm deathly afraid. I know it may have to be done to rule anything out, but last time I heard-" it will ease your mind" turned out not so good. I have something going on, it needs to be addressed. Maybe it's side effects of the tamoxifen, who knows. I need to know. My appointment is later in the day so I will call oncologist office and have them schedule the scan- because most likely it will end up going that way. I'm afraid. Bottom line. Rationally it is most unlikely anything bad. I've had serious zapping, poisoning and blocking for the past six months. No matter what, the issue needs addressing. Fear. I live in fear. Fun times. 

Going to try not to dwell on it this weekend and enjoy the weather before it turns frigid. 

Lazy Day

First thing I did today was call to see if I could get into the doctor sooner. But no. Everyone is on vacation. Did you know that you should not need medical care over the holidays.... Argh. I emailed my oncologist to ask for advice, they called me back and said pretty much wait until Monday. Unless of course things get worse, then go to urgent care or ER. It's not worse, but it's still here. It may be slightly better than yesterday... However I was a bum today. Marley and I ran to a few stores to find iPad mini cases, she got one but I didn't. Then we bummed. I think I took a nap, I know right??? Dane hung out with a friend and went to a movie... Got to go get him soon.  The more I think about my pain the more I think it's muscular. Keep your fingers crossed it heals soon. No tests. I don't want that.   I have to call tomorrow to get my every three month mugga heart scan scheduled, fun times. Never stops.

I need to update pics, but I've been blogging from phone and iPad which don't allow as much formatting. My hair is growing like a chia pet and is getting long. It's kind of fun watching it grow. Not that I ever want to experience that again. Once is more than enough. 

I'd like to start the new year off healthy and happy. I'd like to work on rebuilding myself and moving forward in a positive physical and mental way. 2014 will be a much better year! It has to be!!!!

Merry Christmas 2013

I cannot believe that Christmas is just about over...can't we make it a bit longer?? All the hype and work... And poof... Over before you can say Frosty the Snowman.  We had a very nice Christmas, and the kids are very happy. I'm just happy to be here and share the holidays with my babies. My Christmas wish is that I will have many more. 

I mentally feel okay-kind of, and I'm even getting some sleep...I however continue to have strange belly pains. Today was wierder than other days. Freaking me out. Five days until the doctor unless I can't deal with it and go to urgent care. It's not excruciating, it's odd and uncomfortable. Make it go away!!!!

I need a break. Brad needs a break. The stress level in our world is running high. There's a lot going on that causes to much anxiety. Haven't we suffered enough this year? Isn't it time to give us a break? I'm not sure whom I'm directing that towards, all that are recepective I guess.  

Going to bed. Hoping the beast in my belly is gone by morning. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!!

Merry Eve of Christmas!

We are on the way home from our Christmas Evening with Brad's family. We got a late start because Brad had to work, and the kids were anxious.  It was a nice evening of food, conversation and kids.  It was starting to get late and the girls wanted to go home so they wouldn't miss Santa. I love it!!!!  Too cute!!

Today I went to my massuese and she worked me over. She believes my pain is one of my muscles. She found it and pushed it and I actually slapped her hand it hurt so bad. That's a good sign that's all it is. I'll still visit my doctor in a few days.  She also worked on my neck and other sore areas. I really like going to her. She knows her anatomy and is also a really grounded person. I'm glad I put her on my healing team! I needed to go today. 

Enough of that stuff, I hope everyone is having a great holiday! I hope you have tucked in your babies and are snuggling up for a few hours sleep before they wake you up with anticipation of wonders under the tree!!! I love how Christmas is so precious to kids. Love it!!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

My Xmas Wish

First day off for break, and we are not ready for Christmas. Marley had the dentist, Dane had two babysitting gigs, I met Kristin for an afternoon beverage, grocery shopped, went to see Christmas lights with Karen and kids and now need to wrap gifts! Argh!!!!  I officially would like to postpone Christmas for one more week...we all could use a little more time :)

I called to make an appointment with my primary physician, but can't get into her until December 30th, which I guess isn't that far. However, my belly aches are not going away. I have a massage tomorrow, so I will have her work on my neck. I know I would be in such a great place right now with Christmas and everything if I wasn't so worried about all the pings and pangs. I can't figure out how to stop. Go to the doctor and have them start the poking and prodding process...that's what I fear.   I'm such a chicken.

If I knew that I was fine and had to live with my discomfort, I could, and I wouldn't be so batty.

Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I'll wake up and feel greet! Let's hope. I've been taking melatonin since I've finished my NyQuil and cold. The melatonin is helping me and it's way better than those crazy drugs.. I've got enough crazy going on!

Here's to visions of sugar plums and feeling good in the morning!

My Little Girl is 9!

Today is Marley's birthday and we celebrated it with a party for her and her girlfriends. She had 6 girls over and they watched a movie, decorated cookies and  had ice cream pie. She had a great time. 

Afterwards we all just hung out and played games, crafted and watched The Next Great Baker...Marley loves baking shows. 

Nine years ago I was in the hospital with my new baby girl. Now, a whole life time of change...all I care about is being here for her for her next 30 birthdays. I love her so much. 

Hustle and Bustle

Woke up tired. It's been a long fall. Not a bad one, but long. This is the first day to breathe...yet there is no time for rest. I am still having the odd cramp and plan to call a doctor on Monday. I just fear spending winter break getting tests and finding out something bad. Yes, it is unlikely, but it's a real fear. I can't figure out how to make it go away. The pain and the fear. I wanted to feel super this Christmas after meeting with doc and having good bloodwork and all, but I don't feel good and that sucks. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Time. I think it takes time....

As much as I would have loved to stay in sweats all day, life goes on...and Christmas is just about here. I took Marley to see Santa, then out to lunch because she was starving, then we had to run errands to throw an impromptu birthday party tomorrow for her. Phew.

We hung out as a family tonight because we were all pooped. Tomorrow is my baby's 9th birthday-I can hardly believe it! 

Hoping to sleep in, but I know Marley will be super excited and wake us up. :)

Nice Night

I would have to say that tonight was one of the most pleasant nights I've had this entire yeat. After a long day at work I came home, cleaned up a bit with no agenda at all. My pal Karen asked if we would like to do dinner. I suggested a Mexican place we all enjoy and haven't been to in awhile. So it was a go. 

Dinner was lively and fun. We had mariachi, which I love, play for us, and some tasty margaritas.  This was the first time in 9 months that I have felt the effect of a drink. It was lovely.  We had a great time. Then we came back to our house and sat around and just enjoyed each other's company by the fire and good music. Wine. Conversation and just hanging out. It was truly what I needed. Wanted. And want to replicate again. Perfect night. Thanks Koskys!

Boys are gone, we have girls. I'm blogging without glasses on my phone.!m siute it's a mess.

 Oh well! Who cares!!!!!   Happy holidays! 

Needing a Break

I feel the need for a break. I need a break from pain. I need a break from worry. I need a break from the stress that is caused by those two things. I want to feel good for just one day. I want to have a great outlook and feeling because I physically feel good. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being scared. I want to be happy and lively! I want the old me back!!!!

I know. Can't happen. Then I want the new and improved me!!

I need to learn to live with the joint pain from Tamoxofin, it's kind of like arthritis. Kinda sucks.

I have the option to stop taking it if it is too hard on me...how could I? It is proven to be a very effective blocking agent...I have to deal with it...not an option. I don't want this crap to ever return! Never! Not invited....

It's too late to get into it all... 

I'm going to wish myself better and maybe magic will happen...maybe.

Long Afternoon

Blogging from herceptin infusion-I'm bored. I had a visit with the radiology nurse and she liked what she saw. Check.

Had bloodwork and the oncologist said everything looks good. Check.

I told her about my aches and pains and she felt around and nothing obvious to her. She suggested that I call my gyne and see her. Then we could do a ct scan of my abdomen to rule anything out. Not check.  I am afraid of scans.  I am afraid of "ruling things out" because they don't work in my favor. So I am hoping that whatever is going on will stop. It could be a pulled muscle, or strange menstrual cycle, I'm hoping that's all it is.

Some of the other issues I'm having are most likely side effects of the Tamoxofin. Joint and muscle pain.  I'm supposed to monitor if it affects my quality if life. I have a huge tolerance for pain so it's hard for me to gauge.  Plus the Tamoxofin is huge in preventative measures.

Once I'm done here I need to whip my head around the fact the bloodwork was good and she had no concerns except the ones I brought up. I know we all have normal aches and pains and I am older than I was the day before, but it all scares the crap out if me and I am tired of being scared. I'm tired of being in annoying pain and I am ready to start putting this behind me. I am ready to be on the other side.

Hoping for a quiet night at home wrapping gifts. I am totally behind on Christmas and need to get that in some form of control.

All for now. All seems good. 

12/17

Came home from work and cleaned a bit, houses should be automatically cleaned on birthdays and holidays. Like magic. Brad ended up working late so dinner plans had to be changed. Around five I hit a wall so large I thought I was going to put pjs on and call it a night.  I helped Mars put together gifts for teachers and finally brad came home. 

He gave me a beautiful card and a new camera. A pocket sized one. He knows how much I loved my old one and how much I don't like phone cameras. I'm very happy with my gift. :). He wants me to take one picture a day for a year for a huge photo montage project...sounds up my alley. I'm pretty good about doing a daily journal...........

We ended up going to an Irish Pub for dinner. Guinness and shepard's pie. Pretty good stuff. 

Overall it was a good day. My family was great and I was here to celebrate. Here's to many more birthday! For all of us!!!!

Mid day post

I forgot to post last night-so I'll mini catch up now at lunch. I am starting to get all freaky because I have to see the doctor tomorrow and do bloodwork. I don't know how I will never be nervous seeing her. I wish I could calm down. I'm getting all scared and the holidays and birthdays make it harder. So do my pings and pains. Just want a break to feel good. Six months Brad says, I'll feel good in six months. Oy! That's a long time!

It's my 44 th birthday today, and I am thankful to be here. Birthdays have new meaning to me.  Brad told me I'm like two 22 year olds (not quite) and halfway to 88. I like that. Going to get thru the day and hopefully go to a nice dinner with family...but Dane's not feeling well... Poop.  

Report out later :)

All I Want For Christmas...

Well another successful holiday party took place, as usual. It was important for us to have our party regardless of all the crap that has happened this year...it's part of going back to normal. Plus, I love Christmas!  The party includes a late night and hard Sunday. For me, it was just dealing with being tired...but no rest allowed! I went to Dane's final performance and took his friend with to see him. Post show they had set strike and had to help tear it all down. We were there for three hours!  Then I had to make cookies for the cookie exchange I organized...dumb idea Donnanne! Back to normal!

Oh well. I'm starting to get nervous about Wednesday when I see the doctor and do labs.  I have that pulled muscle again in my neck and a weird cramp in my lower abdomen. I should be rational but my emotions run high at the holidays and it's all so stressful. All I want for Christmas is a clean bill of health, healing and peace of mind. Not asking for much. I know, right?

Wanted to be in bed by 9, didn't happen. 

Worrier Dash....

I've been called a worrier before, so that's not new. If someone has any suggestions on how not to be a worrier, please advise.  My husband thinks I have to have something to worry about. I totally disagree. I would prefer not to worry, and I don't always. Right now I worry about every ache and pain I have. Why wouldn't I? Seems natural to think, Oh crap, what's going on?  I don't enjoy it, it just is. I've had a lower abdomen cramp like thing for about a week. Of course I'm concerned it's something bad. Most likely it isn't. I have a sore neck, still. Muscle problem still? Or is it something worse? See? I'm in a constant state of fear. I will live in fear forever. That sucks. I will try not to-but it's hard. If I think the worse, then I'm half way prepared. If I think the best, bad news is harder to take. Lame philosophy, but I don't like getting my hopes up too high to be crushed. Like last night, I was blindsided when the doctor said he couldn't do the procedure as I had thought. Never had that occurred to me. 

I know I will eventually learn to cope with the fear, or push it away. I think it takes time. Brad thinks I should be "over" treatment becuse it's done. It's been done for 4 days, and I'm in constant irritation from burns-kind of hard to look past so soon.

I'm so behind in the realm of Christmas. I have very few things done, have no time to do any shopping and don't even know what to get. My decorations are half up, which means if they are not up by tomorrow-they won't be. I will just have to deal with that. Although I feel like a lot of it is my fault. I can't do all that I used to, so it hasn't happened. I'm a ruiner this year. 

Man I sound pathetic. Maybe it's because it's Friday the 13th. Maybe.

Not Happy

Well, I went to see the plastic surgeon and wasn't completely thrilled with the news I left with. He said that my irradiated skin will not hold an expander. I almost lost it. He said my options are: a procedure where they take some of my back muscle and skin and add it to my area that's damaged and then the expander, or the procedure where they take my belly fat and make new breasts. One is a couple hours, the other 12. I don't want either personally, that wasn't in my plans. 

I guess I will go with the removal of some back strap meat and the expanders. I saw the recovery pics of the other and the stomach incision is across the entire belly. I'm already a mess and don't want more. I will have a back scar, but it's less. They actually don't take off the muscle they rotate it under my arm. It's nauseating thinking about it. I'm sure I'll cry some more.  

I could only hope my skin has a chance to bounce back and he say, " wow, I think we can do this without the muscle procedure". I will Will my healing and make that happen. I grew hair with sheet Will, I shall heal my skin. 

I am to see him mid January and then keep him posted on healing so he can determine if we can proceed for February 14th. I will most likely need 2 weeks off, but it has to get done-or the change out won't happen forever. I cried when I found out I'll have three drains. I'm just sad again. This sucks. Hospital stay 2-3 nights he said. More fun. 

Maybe I should accept my freakness and just not do it at all. Maybe it's too risky. I don't know. 

A lot of emotions swirling around. 

No Plan Evening

This was the first day in a long time that I didn't have to go or be somewhere. It was quite nice. I came home to a clean house and helped the kids find snow gear. I did a few things around the house and kind of chilled. Whole night was a bit laid back. Loved it.

Plastics called today, almost lost it. However they just wanted to know if I could be there an hour earlier. I said I could. Should be intersting. Hope I don't weep like a baby.  Having roller coaster emotions here and there right now. Birthday and holidays on the horizon, sentimental stuff and lots on my mind. I'll try to stay sane.

Everything from this point on is to rebuild me and nothing new should be a big hurdle like chemo and radiation. I did my time. Let's get to work and build me back again. I would like to be whole. 

First Day of Freedom

It was really nice not having to rush out the door today. I stayed after to get things I needed done and had think time. It didn't feel weird, it felt normal. What felt weird was leaving each day and flying down Randall Rd., trying to make it on time. I stopped rushing towards the end. I knew if I was late they would still have to treat me. But I don't have to worry now. 

I now can go back to normal routine of being able stop for a gallon of milk or what not. 7 weeks of that routine was brutal. But it's over. 

This evening I went for my massage. She worked on my neck and back. She could tell I am all out of whack by the way I carry myself. I walk hunched over in a very protective way. First of all, I can't stand up straight with my shouldersback because of my crispy skin. Second, I walk with my arm kind of protecting my chest not to get hit. All makes for scrunching!  It was good and I still enjoy her positive vibes. Then I went to the counselor or whatever she is. I don't know if I will see her again, depends on insurance. She was good to talk to and clear out some junk.

Tomorrow I have no after school plans...It's a miracle! I think it's the only day in the next two weeks that's empty. I'll probably have it filled by noon-or not!

Here's to a radiation free me!!

33/33!!!!!!!! Finally Over!!! Huzzah!!!

Doney, done, DONE!!!!  Close book...this chapter is OVER!!!! I am officially done with radiation!  I am officially done with the hard stuff!!! Whoop-whoop!!!!! 9 months ago I had never imagined this day...it was sooooo far away....Now it is here and I am super psyched it is over!

I didn't get a diploma this time, but I got a nice card signed by everyone and hugs.  I brought them a poinsettia and told them I hope to never see them again...they understood.  I saw the doctor and she said to use the burn cream for the next 1-2 weeks until those areas heal.  It will help prevent infection...never thought about infection.  That would be a bummer.  The cream works well, so I am optimistic about it helping all over.  I stop in next week for a skin check.

I was surprised today at work when a beautiful vase of pink lilies and yellow roses came to school...and they were for me!  My friends were thinking they were from Brad, and I told them he had never sent me flowers at work.  I thought they were from my school, because they have been so supportive.  I opened the card. Love Brad. I welled up and lightly cried.  It was so sweet and it is so scary and thrilling to be done with this round of treatment.  I am a mixed bag of emotions. It's overwhelming.  I am exhausted and energized....I love my flowers, and I was surprised.

It was a good thing it was the last treatment and I was happy, because I needed enough energy to get through this evening...I will rest someday when I am 86...until then, life goes on and it is busy.  Marley had gymnastics with the parent night.  I watched her show her moves.  Then we came home to get Dane and went to a 4H event from 6:30-8:00.  Had to stop at Portillos to feed the beasts.  It is now 9:00 and I am wiped.  The best part of today is tomorrow...I get to go home after work. I get to stay after work and do the things I need to, talk to people...not rush!  What a whirlwind...7 weeks of driving Mon-Friday....I am not sure I will go home...I had better put a post it note on my dashboard!

Overall I think my attitude and mood will improve. I have been pretty good, staying strong, but it takes a toll.  Now I want to focus on fun things like birthdays, parties and Christmas!!  Fatigue be gone!  Routine be gone!  Next chapter to begin...Thursday-when I meet with the plastic surgeon.....

One More to Go....

I have officially declared the radiation burns the second most painful thing of my "journey".  First being the horrible hemorrhoid, which was a nightmare in itself.  But this burn, it is something fierce.  I feel for people who are in accidents or fires, not just the devastation, but the pain.  I could not imagine. I know the burn cream helps, but I want it to be over. I have a few weeks of pain ahead of me... poop.

Tomorrow is the last day. I bought a poinsettia for the techs to say thanks for treating me so well.  I won't miss going back there everyday, I really won't.   I am looking forward to keeping my "d" necklace on, since it has been off for the past 7 weeks. Little things like that will be nice. Oh, and not driving 35 minutes each day after work, that too.

I have a busy week ahead of me. I am trying to push through the fatigue, but it is real. I know I can take off of work, but that doesn't really help much.  I will go to bed early and fight on through. Monday and Tuesday are the busiest, then it slows down...good, need to gear up for the weekend.

Dane had another performance today, Debby, Val and my brother and his girls all went.  He is really enjoying this. It makes me happy that he found another activity he enjoys.  Debby and I went to try to find me a festive outfit or shirt, and I cannot even try things on...so I found nothing. I am ready to be done with this immobility!! Argh!! 

Going to do a few things and head to bed early, even though Brad and I laid in bed quite late today....kind of felt like we were in Wisconsin.  I am telling you, why hadn't I thought of Nyquil earlier?  Only to get me through this cold...

One more day....
One more.

Feel the Burn

It was nice to not get up because I didn't have to this morning. I slept all night pretty much with the help of NyQuil, which is my new best friend. I can't sleep with the night time hacking cold, so it helps. We worked on the house all day. Kind of looks like a disaster area, but we've got a lot going on. 

Dane had two performances today, he's really enjoying being a part of this cast. I'm really proud of him. 

Tonight we went to a party. I almost didn't go. It took Brad and Marley to help me get dressed and pad my burns. Tears rolled down my cheeks-just trying to get dressed. I want to feel good, I'm toast, burnt toast- almost done! I know, one more. But the pain won't stop instantly, weeks of this to go. :(. The burn cream is good, but I can't use it on the area being treated in the boost. That is bound to crack and peel, I've never seen skin so pink. 

Going to bed and hopefully will sleep all night. One more day if this shitty week, hopefully next week will be better. 

32/33

Wow. I wish I could say, "seems like just yesterday I started frying my body", but I can't. It feels like I have driven to treatment 32 times...it feels like forever-because it's been forever! Ahhhhh!!!!

One more...and on a Monday. Who wants to end on a Monday? We should have just called it a wrap today and moved on....

I'm in quit a bit of discomfort, especially under my arm along my side. It's super pink and raw. The boost is frying along my scar like nobody's business. They told me some of  the burn effects may take up to two weeks to come out...great. I'll be done and it will still getting worse. Fun times. One to go....

I took some NyQuil last night because I have that night time hacking cough. It knocked me out until 3:00 a.m. When I got up. Not sure I slept much after that. 

Tonight was Dane's opening night of his play. It was great, very enjoyable and all the kids did a great job! Dane plays a nerdy doctor who wears this fabulous 70's light green polyester suit. Ha!  It was well done. :) we are very proud of our elf doctor!!!

Looking forward to two days of no zapping. I've currently slathered the medicated ointment on my bad areas and wrapped myself in an ace bandage. Looks like after surgery, reminiscing old times...old sucky memories...I want to be done and on the other side of this...with fresh skin, new body and a clean bill of health! That's what I want for Christmas!!

Wall...again....

I've hit the radiation fatigue wall... It really only kicked in about two days ago but it's a beast. I'm a zombie again. I know I am getting some sleep because I don't get up to pee. I am not resorting to any other drugs-sticking with the melatonin.  I have 2 more treatments! Finally a light at the end of the tunnel. Monday is my last zap!! Who hoo!  I don't feel much like celebrating though. This is has been a tough week-physically and emotionally.  Hoping for a better weekend. 

Where's the Sun?

Now I am having a bad day.
I just wrote a big blog and accidentally hit some stupid button and the whole thing disappeared.  I don't want to write it again. Damn.
Now a quick synopsis:  radiation went fast.  Doctor saw me before she went to the Bahamas, even though I saw other doc yesterday.  Kids had major meltdowns after school,  huge fight, bad words, no Christmas tree threat....outcome okay.

You know, I just don't have it in me to rewrite all of what I had.  It was good too-an important day, getting the Christmas tree.  See, Dane and I have a tradition and we had to break it and take Marley. That caused a huge fight also.  Anyway, they got over it and we went to Home Depot and picked a tree. I said no tree if not tonight, they would all be frozen. It was now or never. False threat, but it worked.  Then we headed to Starbucks and to Nancy's to get our Christmas tree pizza.  Old tradition, new member.  Deal with it. Regular evening otherwise.  Mobility is limited. Skin is tight and looks like corned beef.  Mmm.

I give up. I don't feel like blogging anymore tonight. Going to slather some medicated goop on my open wounds.
Oh, and I need some sunshine...can't take much more of this dreary shit.

WTF?

I cried today. Not because I had to get up early. Not because I didn't sleep well. Not because my skin feels like someone took a potato peeler to it. Not becuse I backed into a car. Not because it's gloomy. But because today another person I care about has to deal with cancer. I hate cancer. It is awful and mean. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!!!!  I will never embrace it, I will never find the good in it, it sucks and that's the bottom line. I will never understand its randomness...it's just not fair. 

I had the first of my last 5 boost treatments. These are quicker so that's the only bonus there. Saw the other radiologist, the one I started with, because my other one went to the Bahamas! Must be nice. Anyway, they looked at my burns and called in a prescription for some burn cream. Of course Osco calls and they don't have it and will get it by tomorrow.  Time to switch pharmacy. They seem to lack supplies. Now I wait for the cream, which sucks because my mobility on then left side is pathetic and I want the healing to start.

Busted tired, but Dane had a band concert tonight. He missed play practice, the kid is busy...all good for him.

Home now and ready to hit the cortisone....I sound like an old lady...

To all my friends out there, stay on top of things. Listen to your body.  Listen to what other people have experienced. Learn. Don't ignore information. Fucking cancer is an equal opportunity destroyer-anywhere in the body. We must revolt against it...we need to help and support each other as well as educate. Listen to yourself and others. Be brave. Be strong.

Rare

Raw meat. That's how I can describe my flesh...raw. Pink. Sore. Peeled...then burned some more....radiation treatment is undersold for pain. "It's a piece of cake"...they said... If you like to eat molten Siracha and glass cake... Sure you don't lose your hair, but how about the third degree burns? How about the constant pain of skin tightening and cracking open? Yeah, not my kind of cake! Even on my hardest chemo, I was down for one week and felt great for two...this is now constant 24/7 pain. "It's a breeze", my ass!

Okay, done with that rant. 

Finished my last treatment in the sorest of areas today. It felt like skin was going to bust open while treating. I had four days off and not getting in that position...wasn't easy today.   Last 5, concentrated along scar... However.. That area has also already had 28 treatments....guess what's going to hurt like a bitch next?  Can I cry now?

Went to reiki tonight. She took a long time and I was very relaxed. Grounded. I had a troubling phone call prior and that consumed half my brain and counter balanced my happy place thoughts.  It's progress, because last time I had reiki, my brain was like a squirrel on crack.

Tired now. That meditative, chakra aligning makes me tired. It also may be the fatigue from radiation (which I forgot about as a side effect until they asked), or  because I couldn't sleep until ten this morning.... Doesn't really matter, going to bed shortly.

Found 11 cents on the floor of Target, that's gotta be good right?

Tucked Away....

I'm blogging from the car while returning from four nights tucked away in our cabin in Wisconsin. We went up Wednesday after treatments and holed up, unplugged for a relaxing and healing getaway.  No treatments, no laundry.... Nothing really. It was just what I needed.  It was also what my skin needed. I alternated aloe with cortisone, and soaks and aquaphore... Just kept slathering....my shoulder area is now raw and peeling... So dry. One more treatment in that area. Can't wait for it all to be done. Just 6 more. 

I only took melatonin for sleep, making the transition from drugs to a more natural remedy.  Did okay, but what was key is that we didn't get our of bed until like 10 a.m., like 3 mornings in a row! It was dark and cozy.... And we could!!! Yeah! I almost finished a 500+ page book, we did a puzzle, made some crafts, sat by the fire, baked cookies, games, and visited friends who were up at their cabin for the weekend. The kids built forts in the woods thew while time.

I'm still very sore and uncomfortable. I'm really tired of this feeling. I think I've held my own, but I want a break... A long one.. But I know that isn't realistic. As soon as I heal from this, it's surgery... The road to feeling free of discomfort is a long one still.... :(.  But I'm making progress. This is the longest 9 months....and I thought pregnancy was hard! But soon I will be done with the major treatments. I started so long ago, so long. 

Oh well, at least I had a rejuvenating weekend. Since I was sick with a cold, it was good for me not to be home where I would have felt obligated to do stuff...I had no obligations and loved it. :)

Back to the real world soon....6 more days...I think I can, I know I can...