All in the Family

Today was a pretty normal day.  I am feeling really good and I am even getting some sleep on my own.  I am not feeling down or sad, I think I am in the best frame of mind I could be in right now.  I am trying really hard to resume some normalcy in my life.  I am heading into my last week of AC in my system... I should feel good all week and then Friday is a new frontier.  I chose not to go to a family party today, because I am very selective with my social outings. I am okay if I know and feel comfortable with all people, but if I don't, then I just won't go. It may sound selfish, but it is one thing I can control.  I don't want to talk about it, I don't want looks of pity or poor thing...not saying that anyone would have done that, it is just what I want to avoid.  I guess it is my time to be a wallflower... this too will be temporary...

Later in the afternoon we went to my brother's house.  My cousin Jenny and her girls were in town and we wanted to hang out. I knew exactly who was going to be there, and I had a great time and felt good. The best thing was that we really didn't talk about it. We picked on Jenny most of the time because she is a vegetarian and it is tradition to do so. Sorry Jenny.  It was just another crazy afternoon with my goofy family.  Everything was normal, except I didn't go swimming. My brother tried to convince me that it would be okay, we were all family...but it was just not going to happen. I am not swimming until next summer.  That is pretty much how it is going to be. I need a new body and hair.... this is also something I can control.

Looking forward to bed...it is cold outside and it would be perfect weather for camping. I am hoping to be a proud owner of a vintage camper soon....I really hope it is all good and I can make this little dream a reality...If so, I know what I will be doing next weekend!  Glamping with Marley!  Whooo hooo!!!  G'night.

Saturday Surprise

Had to get up early today to head south to get Dane from camp.  I rode with Marcie and Debby so it was a quick and nice ride.  The boys were happy to see us, but looked like they didn't want to leave.  They had a great time and Dane is already planning on returning next year. I am so proud of his independence and happy that he enjoyed himself.  All three boys fell asleep in the car...they woke them all up at 6;00 a.m. for a "polar plunge" splash contest.  In other words, this is how they tried to make them appear clean before they went home...

When we got home I helped Dane carry his stuff up to his room, I didn't say a word.  He walked to his room. Stopped. Didn't move for a minute, turned around and gave me a huge hug and told me how awesome it was and that he loved me.  He had no idea I was doing it.  He was very appreciative and couldn't believe I did all that work.  I am so glad I got to surprise him! Yeah! :)

The rest of the day I worked around the house. I took breaks because I was tired.  I was talking with Brad on how I heard as soon as chemo is done, you get a rush of energy back. I can't wait. I had quite a bit of energy before and to get it all back would be amazing.  There are things I can do and want to do.. I am grateful that I can get some things done now, but I want to accomplish more... I think I am doing quite a bit while in treatment, I am lucky I get two good weeks.  I continue to be nervous about next Friday and what I have in store.  I need it to be minimal... I need my life back. 

Marley and I watched a movie, and of course the mom was dead.  Why do all kid movies have one parent dead?  All Disney movies do for sure, but even the B movies.  More and more it is the single dad with the daughter...it makes me uncomfortable. Why can't there be a movie that has two parents?  Nemo..mom gets eaten, Bambi-shot...Little Mermaid-pirates, Dumbo-captured... Those are just a few from Disney, you can find more if you watch any kid movie.. Argh...

Anyway, going to bed soon. Just another Saturday around here. No news is good news.

Happy Friday

I slept oddly last night...strange dreams and woke up soaking wet with sweat... no clue what was going on there. Hmm..

Went to blood work this morning, tried to get Mars to go but she had no interest in seeing them access my port for blood.  I tried...some kids may think that would be cool.  I guess I won't have to worry about paying for medical school.  My counts are all really good! My baby wbc went from 1.5 last week which was low, to 5.5 which is normal! I knew the Nuelasta shot was going to work. I think that should be the last of those, although I didn't ask...  My hemoglobin, or red blood cells are in the 11's and still strong.  I am overall in the average range for everything. Yeah body!  Barb was my nurse today. She was the one who gave me the Target pass many weeks ago. She does not like being wrong so we talked about Taxol.  She said that it is much easier, less nausea, fatigue and blood count fluctuation.  She said that some people 30-40% get bone and joint pain.  She also said that some people get a reaction during chemo, but they know how to fix that right away.  I asked the million dollar question about my hair.  She said that if I haven't lost my eyelashes or brows now, most likely I won't.  She also said that hair growth depends, I may start some fuzz.  I showed her my head of fuzz already and my hairy legs and told her I have been growing hair the whole time on AC.  First she called me a "show off" and then said then I may have a chance on Taxol for hair.  Then I told her I was going to grow hair, I am going to will my hair to grow...  Either way, it was one of the better blood draws and no new yucky news at least.

I am getting some relief from the prescription ointment. I am not free and clear, but the major tears have stopped.  I hope this continues to heal and I can put this issue to rest.

Mars went swimming with her cousins today and I busted out on Dane's room.  I had Brad put up the new cool lighting, did the curtains, cleaned out all his bookshelves, made his bed, organized his shelves... We didn't hang the shelves because we want his opinion on where they should go. It looks great. He has no idea and is going to be so surprised!  I am glad I pulled it off!  See picture below.

Tomorrow morning I go get Dane. I am carpooling with two other moms to get the three smelly boys. Fun ride home I predict!  I miss him but am sure he had fun and I can't wait for his reaction to his room.  I am tired so I need to hit the hay really soon, especially because we leave at 7:45 a.m.... not a time I like to be ready by right now...
Happy Weekend to all!

Too Much=Too Tired :)

Yeah, I was a bit tired today, but that's okay.  It was worth staying up and having fun.  I felt bad for Mars today because all of her friends were busy, and all she wanted was a friend to go swimming with at the quarry.  Instead we started the day with a walk to the park. It was just too hot.  I am a huge wimp this summer and can't deal with the sun and the heat.  That didn't last long and we came  home. She had a short play time with friends in the 'hood, and I second coated Dane's room.  Brad was out all morning and I was tempted to catch up on the computer, but wanted to do his room instead... Then I got tired. Really tired. I rested a while on the couch. Couldn't sleep but just couldn't do much more.  I listened to my body, and it said "sit".

Mars came home around 3:45 and wanted to go to the quarry.  Oh, man... Of course I said yes, she was having a bummer of a day and this was on her list of things to do.  We went for two hours and she got to cool off.  I sat with friends and chatted, so it was fine time for me too.

After dinner we walked downtown to get gelato, which was also on her to do list.  I did a lot of walking today, good and bad. Good because I need to move, and bad because I am wiped out... but maybe that will induce sleep.  Let's hope.

I was planning on taking Mars camping tomorrow night near Dane's camp, because pick up is early Saturday and it would be a nice night for us.  Now she decided she doesn't want to miss her last softball game on Sat. morning, and we should camp another night.  I am a bit sad, I was looking forward to it. Maybe another night.  I have a line on a vintage camper!!  I am hoping it works out. It is a little more than I wanted to pay, but according to the owner, it just needs décor and customizing. If I don't have to put any other money into it, then it will be worth it.  I am going to see it soon.  I know we would have so much fun with it.  I would be working on it this summer and taking it out whenever someone wanted to go...it sleeps 4, so the whole family could do a night or two.... Fingers crossed for that too.... bloodwork is tomorrow, better be good because I am acting like it is....yikes...

A First...

I missed blogging last night due to too much partying!  Whoo-hooo... when was the last time I said that.. never... Partying is a little bit strong of a word, but it sounds cooler... Anyway I hosted wine night at my house and celebrated my half way done point in chemo.  It was a beautiful evening and just great to socialize on my terms.  I love parties and gatherings, but this way I know everyone and felt comfortable.  It was like old times.  I did put a splash of red wine in my lemonade, winemenade we named it. Not bad. Not bad. Good to be around people I am comfortable with and care about me, my healing and making me be as normal as possible... (although I have never been "normal")  Terrible sentence, but you get the point.

Didn't sleep the best but continue to do it on my own.  It is going to be a hot one today and I have a lot to do.  I know that Marley is going to want to do the quarry, and as much as I loathe the idea of going, I may have to take her because of the weather and she loves to swim.  I need to paint Dane's room again and start planning what it will look like.

There are about 10 other things on my list too... I am so glad I am feeling good enough to get some of this stuff done.

Good news, my friend Debby has a pal who had all the treatments I did and said Taxol was a "breeze", but she didn't grow her hair.  Somewhat good news!  Be back later. Enjoy your day!!

Work Day

A good, strong, productive day...yes I feel good!  I still have my one issue, but I think there may be a slight improvement.  The Colace, Miralax and coffee diet also seems to be helping.  One would think I could drop a few pounds this way... but no.  That's okay, I would rather have a few extra pounds on me through this than get skinny, wither away and looks sick. Then for sure I would look like a chemo patient or a crack head...either one I don't like...

Had coffee with Marley and Theresa this morning, I really do enjoy my coffee dates!  I have one tomorrow too.  Yeah!  Then we came home and I got productive. While I feel good and strong, I am going to do as much as I can to make up for the lazy days.  I taped and primed Dane's room.  I had to go to HDepot for more primer, and I wanted paint too. However, there was one poor sap working the paint counter and too many people for me to wait.  I couldn't paint today anyway.  I filled holes and prepped it for, hopefully, tomorrow.  If I can pull that off, the rest is rearranging and some decorating...shelves, frames, etc... I might be able to get the majority of it done for him as a surprise.  It will depend on how I feel, my ambition level and if the princess stays entertained with her pals.  I am pretty sure she wants a swim afternoon at my brother's house, I  promised her we would go....

This evening's game was cancelled, which left more time for Brad to work-he's been super busy.  Marley and I enjoyed some time in the craft room. I made her a 12x12 mixed media picture of an owl and a fish with the colors of her room, including the sample paint chips.  It is in a big, white frame.  We both like it.  Then I worked on a display box of some of my grandmother's fabulous rhinestone jewelry.  I have one in my bedroom that I made and absolutely love, one of my favorite things.  I thought I would make her one with some other beautiful pieces that I have from her.  She appreciates it.

I felt normal and productive.  I didn't sit around, I kept busy.  I am not exhausted at the moment but I am sure it is coming...that is good because I am still working on sleeping on my own.

I miss Dane and I think Marley is bored without her brother. I know he is having fun.  I think they just keep missing the storms, thank goodness.  He is already on night 3, time flies when you're having fun....I guess that is why chemo is going so slow....

A Tad Improved...

I have to say that the last two nights only taking a regular Tylenol for pain, hasn't been as bad as I thought- sleep wise.  I think I am doing okay.  I am not ridiculously tired and feel that I got some sleep. Not sure how long, but it is on my own. Yeah me.

My issue isn't much better.  I am doing everything in my power to help it of course.  Please, send me some karma juice to rid me of this torture!  Hopefully my wbc will work overtime this week and cut me some slack.

The hangover stomach ache is gone. I am hoping that it is gone forever!  If I don't ever have to have that feeling again, unless of course I brought it on myself, I would be a happy camper.  Let's will that Taxol easy on me....   Be gone all you side effects from Hell!  Be gone! Curses! Curses I say!!!!

Overall, the day was fine.  Brad was away from the computer for 2 hours today and I got down to some serious work.... I did all the printing and fixing, calling and transferring of photos, etc... done today.  It felt good to get on top of things.

The princess wanted to go see Monsters University, so I said I would take her. I thought it wouldn't be crowded at 1:30. I told her if it was, we couldn't go.  We got there and it was sold out. Thank goodness. I would have asked for a refund if I had to be jammed in a theater with a 100 germ infested children.  Instead we saw Epic, which has been out for weeks.  There were a total of 10 people in the theater. Just the way I like it.

I am posting a picture of Dane's room. You can see the wavy line from his surfer room, that is all going to be repainted.  His bed reconfigured and all redecorated.  I will not meet my goal I am sure, but will get something started.  I miss the boy, but know he is having fun. He may be getting some of this weird weather, I just want him safe.

My ten minutes of fame...kind of...my friend Katie has a website called the Licorice Project.  This site helps women connect with other women going through BC.  She asked me if I would write a guest blog about me and my wigs.  I sent her my submittal and she posted it today.  There is also a nice compilation of the pictures I posted on my blog.  You can check out my celebrity status on www.thelicoriceproject.com   How fun is that....

 The before picture... Wish me luck!

Chemobraindead

Another busy day.  I like busy days because it is my normal life. When I sit around I think there is more time to get depressed, and who wants that.  However, there are still some days that sitting around is not an option because I am too tired to move or brain dead.  I would like to address that I think I have chemo brain. I hope this side effect is temporary also.  I cannot think straight or remember what I was about to say. Sometimes, I walk into a room for something and have no idea why.  Yeah, I did this before, but now it seems too common.  I am telling you chemo and pregnancy are a lot alike, hopefully in the same way that you get a good outcome at the end.  The nausea, the cravings, the tiredness, the brain deadness.... all similarities.  Weird huh?  Somebody should do a scientific comparison of the two and find out why. What chemical imbalances are the same between the hormonal changes in a woman's body during pregnancy and the drugs you take when on chemo?  Maybe I will become a doctor and do that. Yeah.  Good idea.

I did sleep a bit on my own last night, and will try again tonight. I am ready to flush this body of chemicals, however I cannot fully for a long, long time.  We took Dane to camp today a little over an hour away.  I sat on a pillow to make the ride more bearable.  He had a bit of nervousness but was also really excited.  This is his return year so he knows what to expect. His friend was a bit more nervous about being homesick. We have to remember that 12 year olds are still kids, and sometimes they are our little boys.  I am confident they will have a blast and not get homesick at all.  Too much fun and the week will fly by.  Marley gets to be the princess for the week, she has a list of things she wants to do. None of them involve a tiara or dresses.

Like last year. we stopped at Ikea and Gordon Biersch for dinner.  Marley made us. See, she loves the Ikea macaroni and cheese and had her whole meal planned. Then she would order the Oreo ice cream pie at the brewery as her dinner. Just like last year. We like tradition, so that is what we did.  She does not like being an only child, nobody to blame things on...

Home now and chillin' on the front porch.  I am using the ointment from the doctor for another day or so before calling and crying for the next step.  This week's over ambitious plan is to do Dane's room.  He just needs a paint job and to redecorate.  I am not sure I can pull it off in the week, but I will try.  I would love to have him come home to a redone room, since Marley wouldn't let me surprise her.  It will all depend on how I am feeling, what the princess wants to do and if get any help with a few things I would rather have Brad do..  At least I have a goal and ambition for the week...it's a start.  I hope I remember what I plan to do when I go in his room.... :)

Hard to Endure

This would have been a great day to bust out as much yard work and get as dirty as possible... if I was regular Donnanne. But I am not.  I am currently the modified version and today, I was especially lame.  I could barely move. My uncomfortable situation has become so bad it bring tears to my eyes to move. I am done with side effects dammit!  This is a pretty bad one too, can I please catch a break?  I am very upset about this because it is incapacitating.  Now I am having a hard time doing anything much.  No matter what I do it hurts.  It kept me up all night also. Argh.

Here is the thing. I took the 4th treatment, but I have two potential weeks of new and enhanced side effects.  Remember my hair fell out the two days before my second treatment, the end of the cycle? This scares the Hell out of me. What do I have to look forward to?  And now I am just in constant pain?  Can you tell I am pretty pissed. I am.

I pushed through some yard work, despite the pain and lightheadedness of today.  I had to. I cannot sit around (literally) and do nothing, that alone makes me sad and depressed.  So I pulled some weeds.  Big deal.  I finished getting Dane ready for camp and otherwise took it easy.  I didn't have much of a choice. Once again, loss of control...  Here comes the part where I tell myself to suck it up.  What can I do?  I say this often, I have to in order to get through the day. There is a light somewhere at the end of one long assed tunnel I presume....

Tonight we did family pizza and movie night. Brad and Mars made the pizza while Dane and I played cards. Then we watched the second Harry Potter movie.  We have 6 to go!  We take Dane to camp tomorrow, which is bitter sweet.  I love his independence and that he loves camp, but I will miss him...so will Marley.

Going to bed in a few, not taking the Amy pill anymore, completely useless.  I guess I will try sleeping on my own for tonight.  No use in putting more crap in my body if it doesn't do much.  I think this blog is sounding angry and depressed, but I don't know how to convey my irritation with everything that I am doing...and how it is escalated to the ninth degree with the constant pain that I am enduring.  Things would be much better without that.  My hope is that the Nuelasta shot will give my wbc a boost about tomorrow or Monday, and that will increase my immune system to fight off any problems. Maybe then I can heal.  Please o' please let me heal.  I am miserable...

Ambitious Day

When NPR came on this morning I knew it was a late start.  I had to be in Aurora for blood work at 9:20, and I wanted to shower and get all gussied up for the day. I am just not a natural beauty anymore...he he....  I threw down a little yogurt and off I went.  I now go to blood work alone.  I don't need Brad anymore and the kids are home, so I became a big girl and do it alone.... I knew that I was going to be a little low in the wbc, but the Nuelasta shot doesn't kick if for me until about day 10.  I should be okay and see a rise, not a fall next Friday.  According to the doctor, the Taxol will be easier on my blood, body, nausea and fatigue...Okay, that's a start.

I have 12 more weeks of chemo.  I have 3 more months of chemo.  I am having a hard time digesting this, as you can tell. Six months straight.  I must have done something really bad in a past life. I swear. I am also sorry. However, I am half way done so I need to look on the bright side I guess. Some days it is hard to find a bright side-but I am always looking.  Always searching.

After bw I went to one of my favorite resale shops to try to find a few more silk scarves, I found one.   One is better than none.  I will keep looking. Searching. After that, I picked up the kids and we hit some garage sales in the neighborhood before the storm.  The rest of the day was pretty ambitious.  Dane and I went through all of his clothes and got rid of anything that was too small. Since the boy has grown like 4 inches in the last year, I pulled a lot out of his room.  He also requested a redecoration of his room.  Last year Brad made him the coolest, industrial bed made of tube steel and diamond plate. The bed weighs about 1200 lbs.   However, he did not want his room repainted at the time. He still remembers that we, me, him and my mom, painted his wavy surfer boy room. He didn't want it to be gone. He loved my mom a lot and has held on to whatever he could from her.  But the time has come.  He wants a change.  He picked out his quilt from PBTeen and I will go from there.  I am hoping that since I don't have to remove any wallpaper, only prime and paint, that I can redecorate his room while he is at camp.  It may be over ambitious, but I certainly can try.  It's a goal. I am used to not reaching my goals right now, but I don't want to give up having them.

The doctor's office called and I have a special prescription for my painful issue. The pharmacy called and said my insurance wouldn't cover it and if I wanted it I would have to pay full price, $25.  Yes, make the stuff and give it to me.... And hurry!  I pick it up in the morning... what a major pain in the ass....

Went to Karen's for an impromptu outside dinner.  Had a small amount of a cranberry apple lambic style beer from New Glarus. Tasty.  The best part of the night was just hanging out with our friends and feeling fairly normal.  I need to do more socially, but I am still having a hard time accepting myself, I am getting better. Maybe. Maybe not.

Tomorrow we have another full day. I am hoping that three or four nights of taking my Amy drug will start kicking in.  If it doesn't I do not want to take any more drugs than needed.  I am a toxic garbage dump.  :(   

Heading to bed. Hoping for a peaceful slumber.  Until tomorrow.

Revelation

What happened to my 75 degree days, I love those.  You can keep this almost 90 junk...I sound like an old lady, but I can't take the heat or sun this summer...so I don't want it hot...make it go away!

Today was a pretty busy day and I am tired. The sleeping drug isn't doing much so I am hoping tonight the combo of heat, tiredness and the drug will get me a few needed hours. I would get a lot more done and have more energy if I was getting proper sleep.

Kids had their last day at their nature camp, they really enjoyed it.  Nobody said it was stupid or boring, they had a ton of fun. That makes me very happy. Marley is at a sleepover so her day never ended. :)  I am going to have a super tired little squirt tomorrow!  Good thing tomorrow is low key, getting Dane ready for his first week of sleep away camp.  Saturday morning we have baseball and softball and the days fly by.

I had a hair/hat revelation today.  I took this silk scarf that I bought at a resale shop and did the pirate thing, with a loose bow in the back, and a cap with no opening in the back.  It was light, and looked really good- for me.  I felt more confident in it, with the closed back and a little something covering the back of my neck. Much less identifying than the bandanna (with two n's).  Now I need more of these scarves and hats! I have one black and one light tan one that I have had for years. The scarves are so light it makes my head happier. If my head is happier and I have more confidence, all is good in the world of no hair....  I took a picture in my car waiting for the kids, can't quite see it but it is the first one I am posting without a wig.... so there you go!

Brad and I went to a movie. Our first night out since this journey has started. We haven't gone to dinner or anything alone.  Only lunches after a doctor's appointment. I know, I have a new boring (temporary) life.  We went to see This is the End.  Hilarious. Not for everyone though.  We really enjoyed it, I laughed and even let out a scream that I thought was embarrassingly loud.  It was good to go out, made me feel normal.  Plus it is dark in there so I didn't have to worry about how I looked.

Tomorrow is blood work. I am sure it is going to be lower than I want because the Nuelasta hasn't kicked in. I also have to address the terrible problem I cannot kick. I am at the point of not wanting to eat solid food. I may need to only drink liquids for a few days. The pain is unbearable and I shouldn't have to suffer like this.

 I will continue to keep a low profile, wash my hands and stay away from germy kids. :)  Heck, I am only 1/2 way done with chemotherapy.  I have a long road ahead. Good thing I love road trips.  Can't get too complacent about it all.  I have this mapped out and I am sticking to my route...

Putz

Today was a beautiful weathered day!  I wish I could say the same for my disposition. I can't seem to shake the queasiness, or hang over I seem to have.  Yeah, sure I had a cocktail on Friday....of poison.... but let's be done with it already.  

Another putz around the house day.  Like every other day.  Picked kids up from camp and took Dane to Target for some things for his overnight camp that starts this weekend.  Otherwise, pretty useless.  I have a lot of my ambition back...in my head.  As soon as I go to do something, I am beat.  I do not like being out of shape (ha, I am in a shape alright!) and not doing the things I put on my list.  Maybe my list should be modified: Get up. Get dressed. Feed Bosco.  Feed kids.  Stare at wall for 20 min., repeat.... Then my expectations will be lower and I won't feel like a loser....

I was sorting some papers today and found the original paper the oncologist laid out all my treatment on, guess I should have let it be.  Total of 24 week of chemo...that is 6 long ass months.  I probably wasn't really listening to her totally when she was writing all of it down, but it was as clear as day when I read it today. 24 weeks.  Half a year.  Wow.  Truly a long haul, plus 7 weeks of radiation, 5 years of tamoxifin, 2 surgeries, 1 year of Herceptin and a partridge in a pear tree!!! 

Go big or go home... I guess...does that apply here?

I took a photo of me today with just my bandanna for everyone to see what I look like on a daily basis.  They didn't turn out so good, I will try again tomorrow. I just realized I have been spelling bandanna wrong all this time, who knew there were two n's together at the end... not me.

I will try everything tomorrow.... adding to my to do list...shower, load dishes, etc...
Take a decent pirate/gang banger photo for blog, stay positive in spite of the never ending treatment schedule.....and who knows....

Tuesday 6/18...for the lack of a clever title....

I officially think this round has been a little easier on the stomach.  That means I should be hopefull for the Taxol to be even less offensive to my system.  I have also decided that my hair WILL start growing despite what the doctors say.  I am going to get it growing and I am not going to be sick.  It is not an option....which is a favorite saying of mine when I delve out chores...

My stomach was better, but about the same as yesterday.  Queasy and uneasy but not pukey.  I was pretty stable all day.  I worked a little on some art, visited with my friend Dana, and went to Dane's baseball game.  All of which were pretty easy on the system.

After talking to one friend today, I got sad because everyone is going on a fantastic summer trip and I can't even find a place in Michigan or Wisconsin to go to.  Every summer we take an awesome trip, which I plan and love organizing and it isn't happening.  I know we will go somewhere, but we are locked into chemo and have only a week.  That is with moving one session to a Thursday.  We don't want to drive too far and we don't want it to be too big of  a trip where it is over taxing for me.  I don't know what to do.  I am thinking of Niagara Falls, Minnesota, or anywhere under 8 hours to drive.  We could fly, but I really am stretching the waiting to book airfare. I want to see how the first round goes before I secure any trip, which means it would only be about one month out.  The longer I wait for air, the more expensive it will be.  It depresses me because I love to travel. We both work hard in order to maintain our lifestyle of traveling and new experiences. All the new experiences I have had recently have pretty much sucked. I am ready for new scenery and something to do and look forward to doing.

If you have any suggestions on places in decent driving time, please let me know. I am wiling to entertain all ideas.  We could leave after chemo on a Thursday and then we would have to drive back the following Thursday all day to make it for Friday chemo. Keep it reasonable.  Or if one of you have some fabulous backwoods home in the UP that nobody is using, let me know and I will rent it from you...

I am going to take my new sleeping drug tonight. I hope it helps because we have weird things and noises all night in our hood lately. I need some real rest.

On family note Dane and Brad's baseball team is 11-0!  They are doing a great job.  Earlier today Dane got his head shaved, only to a number 2.  I am posting the pic, he looks thrilled. He is going to camp on Sunday and he really liked it last year, kept him cool.  Then he got a huge splinter that took Brad like 5 times to yank out.. Yikes!  Poor kid, bottom of his heal on his way in the house to get cleats on for the game.  I got to be mommy, I like that.  He is such an independent, big kid, he seems to not need me much anymore.  But I know he does.  He will always be my little boy.  When he was little he would call me, His Girl.   He will always be my little boy and I will always be his girl. Always.

Here's to a good night's sleep, drug induced or whatever.. .I need my Zzzz's.

Happy Moments.

Upswing...

I seem to be on the mend, maybe even a little earlier than last time, I am not sure.  I could walk around short bouts and sit up normal today.  That sounds so lame but it is huge in my days after chemo.  I only just realized that I took nausea medications only once today.  Also good progress.  I ate a bit of dinner, thanks Jill, and seem to be keeping it down.  I guess I have to look on the brighter side of things as I wrap up this day.

Did I accomplish anything? I vacuumed and changed one load of laundry.  I started one art project but quit.  I am still pretty non functional, which bugs the daylights out of me but have no choice.  I am dealing.  I feel like mentally I am out of the weekend doghouse, but know that I have new side effects to learn about with Taxol, but I am going to wait a couple weeks before I dive into that one.

I cannot say how much this all sucks.  I have said it many, many times before but I just have to keep saying it.  That is the best way to sum it all up. Suckity, suck, suck!!!

I did spend a few minutes today looking up breast tattoos.  Not just the tattooing of the nipple area, but the design of larger tattoos that cover scars.  If you are interested, just google it, and a bunch come up right off Pinterest.  There are your standard ones of course, but the idea of the mastectomy tattoos is what I am referring too.  I want some form of woodland leaves, fall colors, faerie winged like leaves.... why the heck not... my battle wounds need style....

We met a Father's Day wish tonight, we as a family watched the first Harry Potter movie. Much to Marley's demise at the beginning.  She fought and screamed, and we don't know why, but she ended up enjoying it anyway.  Since Brad bought all 8, we have a few more family movie nights to conquer.

Kids went to the Living Well, nature camp today and had a good time.  Marley said she saw a lady with no hair and a baseball cap, she could tell from behind. She said she looked normal like I do.  Marley is my best cheerleader for spirits. She told me last night that, I was pretty all of the time, hair or no hair.  Tonight, she reminded me that I am still me.   I need to listen to my wise little owl more often... she is good for my soul.

Never Been So Tired in My LIfe

I still don't have the physical or mental strength to blog properly.  Yesterday I was so wiped out I could barely open my eyes.  Today is a little better in that department but fighting the nausea now. If I think of chemo, as in getting it on Friday, and getting the rash, I start to gag...even writing that made me ill.  I really hate all of this and I especially hate these days where I feel like it will never get better.
I feel like the last week and this last round has really taken a toll on me as a whole human being. I am being pushed to my edge. I am trying very hard to stay strong, but I feel a chink in my armor.  I will need to do what I can not to get depressed and hang on and fight on. I am only human though, and cannot always control my emotions.

On July 5, I start my next 12 weeks of chemo.  How do you feel optimistic for that? I was informed that most likely my hair will not grow during this time and I will most likely lose my eyelashes and eyebrows.  Yeah, depressing.  Since it is weekly, I sure hope it doesn't have the exhaustion and nausea side effects or I am done for the next three months? How do I do that?  I am jumping the gun, but I am kinda miserable today.

I know it is Father's Day, but hey, I have a deadbeat dad, and my mom died on Father's Day-and I feel like crap...not my favorite day of the year.

All I can do for today.

Round Four Done

This is Dane again and I am blogging for Mom. Mom had her last big chemo today. She got wiped out really early. When I got home I experienced the side effects of her chemo. She asked me to load the dishwasher, I did, but when she came home she yelled at me for not cleaning the whole kitchen. My mom is really tired, but she is trying to do her best.   


This is Marley. I'm just helping Mom again. I like to keep Mom or Mimio as I call her, company.                                                 


My wife says that I have to fix this entry because Dane is twelve and writes like a hormone incensed lazy preteen. 

She is too tired to blog tonight so I have been elected. 

A recap of the doctors visit is as follows:

Blood work was great and she got an A+. 

The doctor gave us the green light to start drinking to help keep the spirits up. 

Chemo was fun until the rash broke out.  More Benadryl solved that problem.

Pizza and Salad with Kristen before the nausea kicked in.  Last real food for three days.

Sleepy and Dopey now so its time for more rest.    

She will try to blog tomorrow.

Peace out y'all.                             

Until Tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is the day.  My last AC treatment.  The anxiety is high.  I didn't do anything fun today like I was hoping.  I had a very rough, emotional morning.  All morning I spontaneously cried.  I couldn't pinpoint what was setting me off, or even bothering me, but it was a long day. The whole afternoon I dragged. I felt like a zombie. I finally made a frappe and jacked up a bit on coffee to get me out of my funk. I am stronger than this sadness, so is my coffee, thank goodness. I know it will be fine tomorrow, I am sure my counts are decent, they have all my drugs in line for me, and they are always nice. Brad will be with me and we are hoping for a lunch afterwards. He reminded me I am always hungry, so I should pick a place since food will not be interesting to me for a couple of days. I just don't want to go through the nausea and puking.  It sucks. Hopefully this will be the last weekend I have to be sick, ever... unless it is after one of my holiday parties...whoo-hoo!

There are a few things I need to remember to ask the doc tomorrow.  I need to know the exact start date of the next drug.  I need to see if I can move one chemo from a Friday to a Thursday so we can take a family vacation.  I need a stronger sleep aid, because I am tired.  And... I need to find out if my hair will start growing back.  I will probably forget some of these, and I am too tired to write them down now anywhere but here.  That's pretty sad eh?

The best thing about today was watching Marley and two of her friends have a car wash.  They started their own business, called The Scrubbing Narwhals Car Wash Company.  Three dollars a car.  They did 5 cars today!  Okay, two of them were mine, but they took their time and worked really hard.  I think I will invest in some car soap rather than dish soap for less streaking, but it was super cute and they did it for like two hours! They want me to hold their money until the end of summer, and they will collect all of it from whatever car washes they hold.  I love it.

Wanting to go to bed, but what is the point if you don't sleep. I would think at some point I would shut down and crash and sleep for like 12 hours.  I will sleep a lot this weekend and get caught up. Joy.  The porch couch is ready for me and I bought me a box of Lucky Charms.  Not sure why they help.  They have been my go to junk throughout this whole thing.  I haven't had a box in a while. I tried the Peanut Butter Captain Crunch last time, that was the junk that got me through my pregnancy with Dane.  Now it is me an the Leprechaun.  If this had a sound, I would be saying something in my Jamaican Leprechaun voice...Mon,

Until tomorrow....

 

The Scrubbing Narwhal Car Wash Company

Piddlling Away My Day

Countdown 1 normal day left.... and that is tomorrow. Not sure what the plans are for the day, something.  I seem to be piddling my days away and not accomplishing much off of my daily agenda in my head.  I have always had lofty daily goals but now they are slightly lower and I still barely make a dent in them.  I am becoming okay with that I guess, not much I can do about it until I am done with this chemo and regain some more energy and normalcy.  A few weeks until that happens I hope, yeah.  I want my brain power back.  I have called the dog Dane, and Brad Dane...everyone is Dane lately. Chemo brain is real.  I have huge word recollection issues. 

I started the day with another coffee date with JoEllen.  I am enjoying coffee dates, I think I may like them more than lunch.  A good talk with a friend and a cup of jo to start your day, nothing better....Except unless you have a mountain view, or outside of course.  The rest of the day was small stuff. I did some things I needed to do before Friday. I visited with my friend who came home from  her surgery, she looked great and was up and around. Yay!  I took Marley and her friend to the Quarry for a swim and we were there for 10 minutes before they heard thunder and shut the pool down. Oops.  No swimming for me this year, not that I would get in that freezing water.  I do love the water, and not being able to go swimming all year makes me a little sad. I guess I could go but I can't get my primary doctor to return my email about a prosthesis note, and it is starting to make me really mad.  I think the good falsies are waterproof. Then I have to buy a special bathing suit and all that. Since I can't be in the sun, going swimming seems out of the question anyway.  What is one more restriction to my otherwise boring life.  If I was a sit on my butt kind of person to start with, the things they tell me I can't do I wouldn't care about.  But that's not me.  And I care. I care a lot.

Marley was having a hard night tonight. She had a late night sleepover and was over tired and clingy after her friend went home. She also tripped up the stairs carrying a bucket of colored pencils and jabbed her neck and face, poor baby.  But she asked me tonight, Why do things happen?  Tough question to try to answer.  I said, sometimes things happen just because they do, sometimes they happen because you make them happen, sometimes things are accidents and sometimes things happen for reasons we don't know ahead of time... I wanted to tell her the last one is how I feel about all of this, I don't know why, maybe I will... I am blogging from her bed, where she finally fell asleep. 

Creeping Anxiety

2 Days Left... I think I am in a bit of an anxious panic mode. I am anticipating the last one and wanting to avoid it and get it done with at the same time. I keep dredging up things that upset me and I am getting too far ahead of myself with what I have in store.. like growing hair, and less side effects.  Many of my wishes may just be that, but if we stopped wishing we would get nowhere. 

I started the day with a nice coffee outing with Steve.  I have to give him public kudos again for being an excellent substitute and friend. I could not have left school the way I did without him. I would have been worried about work, he made me be able to leave that behind and focus on what I needed to.

Then it was home. I did laundry and dishes and all the normal stuff I hate.  I kind of feel like I should be whooping it up on my last days before chemo.  But in reality, I should only be down and out for up to 5 days, then I should spring back.  It just scares me.  It all scares me.  Then I had another mini pity party meltdown.  Brad is a great husband, but just doesn't get the whole identity and body crisis I am dealing with right now.  He is a problem solver and this is a problem he can't solve. So I turned to friends. Which ended up with dinner and a virgin bloody Mary at Gammon.  My friends say that I look the same to them, but they also admit they just don't know what it feels like to have had such drastic changes.  I am sure if I was in their shoes I wouldn't know what to say either.  I don't even know if I want people to say anything in particular, just listen to me vent I guess.  It pretty much is a personal demon. Unless you are in the exact situation, sitting breast free and bald, you can't walk in my stinky shoes. And I don't want you to.  I think I am handling it pretty darn well, I can't help sometimes feeling overwhelmed.  Brad tells me I can't say, what ifs.  I said, I could, I can and I can't help doing that sometimes.  Most of us have gone through times that we don't like the way we look, whether we need a new haircut, need to drop a few pounds, hate this hate that... it is natural.  That is what I am going through, its the same situation on steroids. I will be okay, I promise.

The shirt I am posting is from my class, Steve brought it to me.  It is so sweet.  The back is screen printed, not signed with marker.  I had a great class and I am still sad I missed the end of the year. Hopefully their little experience with me and bc, will raise awareness and tolerance. Hugs to them all.

A Little Bit of Everyting

Countdown 3 days....  I am starting to get a little apprehensive. Not like the week I really didn't want to go and then had the bad stuff happen.  Just the fact that I will lose another weekend and feel cruddy.  Not something to look forward to, who would.  Except I have to remember it is the LAST one.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, she would have been 68 years old.  The kids and I took Kernal Fabyans caramel corn to her grave, sprinkled it around for the birds and critters and each had some and sat silently and talked to her. This is a yearly tradition. Dane was 4 and remembers the good times with Grandma, and Marley was only 6 months so doesn't remember anything. She asks about her and we tell her stories and show her pictures. It saddens me that they both missed each other.  I miss my mom. A lot.  While we were there Dane asked, "How did she die again?"  I almost choked on my caramel corn.  I replied that we didn't need to talk about it now. I had no idea that he didn't know or had forgotten.  I wasn't about to tell them, I now know that I have to keep that a secret. There is no need to panic my kids. It also isn't something that is brought up often so I should be okay  Oh boy.

Today I saw a lady at a store with really short hair. She was probably late 50's,  and looked like she had some battle wounds that tipped me off that she may have been a chemo patient recently.  I was jealous of her really short hair and pointed it out to Debby and said, "that's all I need.... and soon!"  She looked good otherwise, but I don't know her, but I think we can spy out people in our top secret club...I have become a jealous person of short hair, more than even boobs. Boobs are easier to fake.

Trying to see a few people this week, visit with friends before Friday and get my house in order... the later is not the priority.

I think when I start the Taxol, I will be asking friends to take me to chemo.  Brad will have done the AC and those were every three weeks, in a few weeks I will be on a weekly round.  So if you want to sit with me for chemo, let me know.  Once I get the official start date and after the first one, Brad will do that...they check for allergies and all that. I will post them on the Lotsa Helping Hands site if interested.  We could be loud and obnoxious and have fun, regardless of the reality of the situation.

Really?

Today was a pretty normal Sunday, a lot of family time and working around the yard and deck. Had a nice dinner with our neighbor and just hung out.

I am still dealing with annoying issues that I hope heal soon, before Friday. The count is on. 4 days until my last AC.  Brad thinks I should be excited to get it over, but I dread going so it is a little difficult. Huge milestone. Hoping and praying that it worked, and the next stuff works also.  I keep the hope and strength, so medicine better be doing its job.

 Here is something that really bothers me.  In the last two days, two women who just found about me asked me what stage are you?  Each time I was shocked and stupidly replied. Doesn't this seem like a super personal question?  Have we become so numb and desensitized to cancer that anyone can openly ask about diagnosis? One time was in front of Dane and several other children, I wish I would have replied, "I don't talk about this in front of my kids" or " It doesn't matter".  I believe neither of the women were being malicious, I know that.  They were curious.  I get that. What they don't understand is, asking that question is horrible. It dredges up a lot of the emotions I work hard daily overcoming. What are they expecting for an answer? What does it matter?  Would you congratulate me if it was a lower number or give me the pity look if higher?  Do you know what each stage means?  Do you know how it is staged? I would bet not, or you wouldn't ask it.  And...it upsets people. It upset me a lot.  Both times.  I have a positive attitude and a great outlook, but if I have to explain the yucky details, it is depressing. I am not mad at these women, but I definitely know that they have little experience with anyone who has had cancer. Or too much in the case they are numb.  If it happens again, which it will because things happen in threes,  I will have to tell that person I don't discuss that openly, in front of children or at all.  I know people mean well, but this is some hard emotional stuff I have to deal with, so please tread lightly.

I am hoping to do a few things that I find fun this week. I would like to do something for me. Take a ride, go shopping (for what I don't know),  take a nice nature walk, I don't know.  The fourth AC may be the doozy where it wipes out my eyelashes and eyebrows. In that case, I won't be leaving my house very often unless I have those Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen bug sunglasses that cover my face, or a burka.  I guess I am down right now.  My stomach hurts, my positive attitude is dented, my skin is dry and my head is itchy. Geez I have a lot to complain about. Overall though I am doing well. And how are you?

Boring Me

I think I am becoming boring.  That somehow seems to be a good thing.  I don't have a lot to report on the side effects page, and I am not doing all that much otherwise.  I was always worried if I would become boring-didn't think it was possible :). I guess it is good, in a way.  I had a pretty decent week, had good blood counts and should have another good week before chemo.  I guess it doesn't make for good blogging. But what I want is to chronicle this whole journey, even my good weeks. The good weeks are the most important, I get to goof with my kids and be a normal mom.  That is the good stuff. This is why I am doing it, so I can go to games, decorate rooms and make breakfast. This morning Dane and I went to the Farmer's Market and to some garage sales, we spent the whole morning together.  We are spending a lot of good mom and son time lately and I love it.

My one issue, the let's never say the word issue, is horrible.  If this doesn't take care of itself, I am going to stop eating so I never have to deal with it again.  I am mortified and it is very, very painful.  But like everything else, I can hide my discomfort and act like everything is hunky dory.  It is my duty now.  Master of disguise and just put on a happy face and pretend it is all good!

I am behind in so many things.  You would think I have all the time in the world. In reality I move at a much slower pace physically and mentally. This is also a very lonely journey that is inexplicable. I looked up Taxol earlier today because I wanted to know about hair growth. I went on a website where it was just questions and answers, and people responded. Most said that they felt much better on it, and their hair started to grow back after a few treatments.  The worst part of it is that it causes neuropathy.  Always something.  I guess, like everything else it is a wait and see game. I really need hair.  The days are long and my head is so itchy and uncomfortable. Pretty much all my parts are uncomfortable, not unbearable. How long can a person be annoyed with their own body, I guess as long as it takes.  Argh.

Heard from my friend's husband, surgery went well and she is recovering nicely.  Good to know.

Great Counts

I passed my blood tests with flying colors this morning!  All my counts are great, some even on the high end of the normal range.  This makes me very happy. I guess the shots and body juice really did work! My hemoglobin is at 12.5 and 12.6 is the end of the normal range.  Whoo hoo!  I am sure that they will drop a bit before next Friday, but I should be in the safe zone for my last big gun.  Other than getting blood work, the day was pretty uneventful.  I was actually pretty cranky and tired. My head itches terribly.  I have so many random lengths of hair that it is driving me crazy.  I never lost all of it and had a smooth head. I have some rather long and really light ones that need to be shaved tomorrow. I just want a full red stubble.... I tried to lay down this afternoon but couldn't sleep, but my body was happy it wasn't moving.  Did hit Osco, took the one pill and picked up something for the other issue.  This is a real pain in the ass. ;)

Had dinner with friends and I am exhausted. Eyes are heavy.  Tomorrow my friend who was diagnosed, will be having her surgery.  Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers also . It is still difficult for me to believe that someone else has to do what I am doing right now at the same time.  I fear for all of my friends. Once again, please make sure you are up to date on your mammograms. Don't put them off, that will do you no good. Be proactive. I was and look where I ended up.  If I wasn't it would all be a lot worse. We all need to stick together, nobody can do this stuff alone. 

Accomplished

Spent another day working on Marley's room.  Made massive progress.  We only have one small basket left to go through. If you are a parent you know that your kids hoard crap. Small crap.  They put this small stuff in every little box or basket and it is all mixed up.  There are hair bands with markers and old valentines. It is just a disaster. However, I remember saving all that important stuff when I was little.  I went through it all today. I went through each basket or box. I went through every single piece of clothing she owns.  Nothing went in that room without my permission.  It looks great. We had to improvise getting her double mattress on the queen frame, but we made it happen until we  get her a new mattress.  At one point of the day, her and her friend wanted to play in there, but I was working, so they pretended I was the maid....pretend?  Either way, this took way longer than I thought. Probably because I did it on chemo and had to take long breaks. It looks awesome and I feel that I accomplished something.  Otherwise, I feel like a lazy butt. She is getting ready for bed now as I blog and she is super excited to sleep in her new room.  Makes me happy.

As for me. I go tomorrow for  blood work. I never made it to Osco for my girly issue, and now I have another uncomfortable issue that I would rather not explain in detail. Let's just say, another insult.  Think old people or pregnant ladies....got it?  I know this can happen, but seriously?  C'mon.  Give me a break.  All the little annoyances start to take a toll.  I may not be down and out on the couch this week, but being uncomfortable all day is trying.  I will talk to the nurses tomorrow and find out what I can do about this latest issue.  Argh.  I have no dignity left.

One week from tomorrow is my last AC.  There will be a countdown. I will probably celebrate when it is over too.  I need my milestones met with little kudos to me.... Fingers crossed for good blood counts tomorrow!  I guess finishing that is an accomplishment too.   A few weeks left to go!  I can make it!

Overdone

I am tired. Plain old tired. I knew there was a possibility that I was pushing it and it would catch up with me.  It did.  Dane and I spent 4 hours putting Ikea furniture today. As much as it was a long project, it was fun doing it with Dane. And thank goodness for him.  He is the kid who could build any Lego kit at 5years old, it showed today as the old lady with chemo brain would get all messed up.  We did well.  Placing it and securing the headboard to the wall and move in is in order for tomorrow. Hopefully. 

Had a nice lunch break with Stephanie and back to work. Around 3:00 while building, I could feel my body start to doze... like my hands weren't doing what I wanted.  Eyes were getting heavy.  I quit.  I needed to lay down. Listen to you body Donnanne. I did.  I didn't sleep, but I rested.  I need to do that more.  I am not on "summer break" like I mentally want to be, I am fighting poison that runs amuck through my blood.  I have another prescription to get tomorrow,for the issue that wasn't shaken from a few weeks ago.  Bad enough to be a woman with that nonsense, but at a time like this it is adding insult to injury.  The meds best work or I may cry.

Second day in June I sat and watched a game in my down coat. Not sure what is going on, but if winter is here I can ditch the bandanas and break out my fun, warm hats....

Now that the wig of the day season is over, I am going to start posting the t-shirts I got from all my friends.  Most of them are HUGE, the original plan was that I needed some fun, large shirts for recovery from the reconstruction.  Since that didn't happen, all the shirts are monstrous on my flat me.  I still want to post them.  They are daily doses of optimism and fun.  Someday I will have them to wear for reconstruction, then sewn as a quilt.  Maybe I will have my bandanas used for the border...See how I am thinking ahead?  To bed.  I am going earlier and earlier.  Need the rest, my sleep is still not as awesome as I would like. Good night, hope you don't have to put your heat on! Brr!

School is Out...

Today started out pretty quiet for the first day of summer. Dane was at a friends, Marley was just quiet, and Brad had a meeting in the city.  A nice calm ease into summer break. Usually I would be whooping it up, feeling great that the year ended and ready to get into summer mode.  Not this year.  Just another day.  I had a few visitors today, that always brightens my day. My yard and dog are the new "dog park".  Friends, like Kristin, Jason and Karen bring their dogs over to run circles around Bosco and tire out.  Works for all of us.  Bosco played with Dexter today.  For lunch two of my teammates came by and brought Marley and I lunch. We chatted for a while and it was great seeing them.  Work is such a social place, not just a job for me. I make friends and enjoy being around good people. I miss that.  Soon enough I will be saying that I am scared to go back.... I betcha, you wait and see.

I think I feel the rise in the hemoglobin now. I have more energy than I have had so far on AC.  I feel like the head spinning, coming and going Donnanne I am used to. Kind of good feeling, I feel normal.  I worked on building more Ikea furniture today.  Damn Swedes.  Someday she will have a bed, Dane and I will be doing that tomorrow.  I am behind on some things, my days are in all directions.  I am crashing at night, hopefully it isn't all narcotically induced, even so. 

I think a little more rest and maybe a break during the day is in order for me tomorrow. The last thing I want to do is feel too normal, overdo it and regret it in the end with some sort of punishment like: low counts, transfusion, weird side effect, fatigue, hair growth....oh wait I will take that one...

Tomorrow I have a calendar to look at for myself and my children.  I know it sounds selfish, but I haven't done anything for myself in ages.  Except treatment and that isn't good for the soul, just the innards.  I can't go to a spa, get my nails done, have a wild girls night, can't do a lot. I need to find some low key, feel good things that I can do in order for me to feel I have a "summer" too.  If not, I will deal I am not selfish. I will focus on the kids and make sure they are having a blast.  That is fun for me to see too. Each day takes me in a new direction...I like road trips. :)

Physically Good-Emotionally Challenged

The glorious last day of school for my kids... the end of my quiet recovery.   I was having a hard time with that quiet as you know, we shall see how the whole family being home all summer goes.  Bet that Brad spends a little more time back at the office.  Who knows. That is how I see this whole summer, one big Who Knows.  Who knows how this last AC will be, and then the new unknown will be the 12 long weeks of Taxol.  But I am not going to cross that bridge until I am closer.  I am going to try to enjoy my physically good weeks.  I am. 

I worked around the house today, mainly on Marley's room because I had to take a week off when I wasn't feeling well and it didn't get finished.  This project is important to me because I want it to be from mom.  Not sure why, but I do.

I guess the hardest thing right now is the continued emotional struggle I am having with the side effects of chemo and the adaptation to my new body.  That "new normal" people told me about, isn't happening.  None of this normal, I don't want it to be normal, I want to be done with it, and move on.  It's funny because each day I would put on the funny wig and smile and take a picture of myself before the bus came.  Each of those pictures look like I am having a blast, the time of my life. In fact, I do enjoy it for about 30 seconds and then realize that I am this bald woman who can do this, make myself look different with costume wigs.  Problem is, I can't just look like me.  I want to be me! Stomp foot, pout.  Summer is here and no swimsuits, no tank tops, no sundresses.  I can't wear a real wig, too hot and too itchy.  I am having an identity crisis.

 People can say you look great...but what they mean is you look great for a chemo patient.  If I looked great in my new look, we would have already accepted bald women in today's social society...go figure.  I am being a whiny baby again, but hey, this is where I can. I love my kids because they are always saying they like my bandana, never do they ask me to cover up, they are awesome. I know Brad loves me, but I am sure he isn't attracted to his half woman wife. What makes a man attracted to a woman?  Besides their sparkling personality? Let's see:  Body, Hair, Face- Those are the physical attractors... 2/3 are gone.  See my point? What am I supposed to do? I do my best everyday and try, try to look as best as I can.  It is a lot of work being paranoid how you look. Draining.  I will work through this by bitching and moaning, because I can... and then I won't think about it when trying to fall asleep.  Which is what I am about to do.... but will get a little help from my friend Ativan....

Escape

I don't know what it is, but when I am up at the cabin, I have not had cancer, I am not in treatment and all is good in the world. I am getting closer and closer to chucking it all and moving up there and building our dream, a self sustaining farm- and calling it a day.  I envy the people who have enough guts to sell their homes, quit their jobs and take the slower, more natural and organic lifestyle choice.  Brad and I have tossed this idea around for a while and have our plan, I just get scared now that I won't be around to see it come to fruition.  But I will be. Brad is confident I will be too. 

Going up there this weekend is exactly what the doctor ordered for the whole family. We truly had a real Marvin weekend.   I don't think there was anything I didn't do this weekend, that I would have done on a previous life weekend.  Down to having my beer outside.  Okay, it was a non-alcoholic German Weiss beer that my sweet husband did some research about, and stopped and picked up for me on the way.  Now that is good guy.  We pretty much hung out. We had stopped for our favorite pizza on the way.  We did a puzzle, played Apples to Apples and Jenga.  Kids and I made some fun crafts,we went for walks, kids played in stream, built forts and foraged for mushrooms.  We thought for sure we missed all chances of getting any morels this year.  It is usually peak time around Mom's Day.  We're weeks late, but we thought we would look anyway. Right up our hill, by the kids fort, I spotted one.  I have the best eye of the family for mushrooms.  Then I looked uphill in the forest, under the pines and there they were!  About 20 of the most beautiful morels we have ever seen!  We filled the bag, dumped and grabbed another bag and foraged some more.  In the end we collected about 7 pounds! Last year I sold them at 14 dollars a pound so we were thinking it was a decent haul.  Dane and I went to town to try to sell them.  Since the season was over, nobody was buying.  I got a hold of one guy and he was buying at 7 $ and I would have had to come back into town later that night.  For that price I was taking them home to make a lot of soup!  Then we stopped and were talking to a lady about her store and were chit chatting about something else and the mushrooms came up.  She said she would buy some for herself - and she had a scale because she shipped E-Bay items. So we sold the lady 3 lbs. for 10 bucks a pound and walked away with cash, and enough 'shrooms for plenty of soup!  Dane and I had a fun time together trying to sell the mushrooms and exploring new areas of RC that we have never seen. We realized that in "season", foraging and selling mushrooms would be part of our self sustaining farm. Hmm.....

Overall our weekend was wonderful.  I did take a half an Ativan each night, and I slept pretty good. I don't know if it was the fresh air, relaxed feeling or Ativan...whatever it was it was nice to sleep.  I think I am going to be on the up and up for the next two weeks. I am hoping that I have no new side effects and can continue to keep the few I have under control. I have a few uncomfortable issues that I need to address with the doctor via email tomorrow, but I am physically feeling good.  Tomorrow is the last day without kiddos, things will be different.  My peaceful, boring time is gone forever.  I will be going back to work in the fall, so that was it.  Too bad I couldn't have enjoyed it, and that I was home for surgery and chemo...See how I quickly I forgot? That is what Wisconsin will do to you.... I like my little escape...