Feeling Good

There are ups and downs on this "journey", too many to post. Plus, I'd sound like a hypochondriac nut job. Overall I am led to believe, and I do believe, that all is well in donnanneland. I have no other option but to believe in that and work on continuing to enjoy my life to the fullest. I plan to be here many more years and that this will someday fade into a distant memory. Although the daily reminder of being a physical mess makes that hard. I can accept myself for who I am, because I'm happy to be here watching my amazing kids grow up. Just checking in. 

Checking in

I have to say that I have been feeling great lately, even thinking long term plans now. I just feel good, even some days I wake up forgetting. Doesn't last too long but I do like feeling fairly back to normal. Besides not being in shape and 20lbs fatter than I need to be. Oh well, I'm trying. Battling medicine for weight is tough and I believe being fat and alive is better than any other alternative.

I have one issue now that I have to see the doc in the morning because I am spitting a stitch from last month's port removal. All of a sudden last night it was red and there was a little pokey thing. This happened when she put it in, so it's not a big deal. I'll have her snip it and then it should heal up. Just a tiny glitch.

I've been having a wonderful summer, one of the best in a while. I've worked on my camper-just about ready to roll...went to the Fare Thee Well Grateful Dead show, took kids camping up to Door County, remodeling playroom into super craft/Rex room, and still have a trip on the horizon. No complaints here. 

Keep those fingers crossed that I am done with that chapter forever! Only living life from now on! 

Dane, me and cousin Jenny! 

Don't forget to be awesome!

Be kind.

Deported

I have officially been deported. On Friday, I (hopefully) have closed a long chapter of  my life by having my medi-port removed. Besides daily medication, I'm done. I'm not going to fix anymore cosmetic areas, I am who I am, all messed up as it may be. 

Getting the port out was weird. First of all I was awake, and that freaked me out. They lidocained the area and worked on getting it out. It was in for two years so it became a part of my body, so there was a lot of pushing and tugging going on. It was a very unnerving sensation. It was done within 30 minutes, and my entire body was clenched and sweating. Especially when it was stuck. eww!

I've done enough. I've seen enough. I've been through the mill. I'm done. 

I am opening a new chapter of my life that puts this behind me. 

I'm going to work on a title for this next chapter. Not sure where it will lead...only good things I hope.

Checking In

I love not feeling I have so much to share about my "journey" anymore. It's nice to have my fairly normal life back. My belly is still sore in spots from the lipo, but I can't imagine why.?😬
At the end of the month I get my port removed, this will be a long awaited removal. Although of course now, it doesn't irritate me as much. Wearing a cross body bag or seat belt will be more comfortable.  I'm trying to stay positive everyday. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't surface daily and kind of freak me out. Like, "really, this happened?"  It did. I've got battle wounds-many, many battle wounds.

The more people I see and talk with, have come out of this and are years away from their mess. If they can do it, so can I!

Happy (rainy) day!

Break the chains of bondage!

Could be kinky eh? Nope. Tomorrow I'm released from my 24/7 compression gear. Phew. Getting a little done with that. Went for my follow up, looks good in his eyes. Some areas are a little bumpy and I have to work on massaging the tissue. I don't see a lot of difference but he said I was skin on bone and now there's a little wiggle room. The area I really wanted fixed couldn't be fixed at the time. He plans to remove a little skin area locally in his office with some Novocain and a few stitches. Sounds delightful. Sometime in the summer. I have scheduled my port removal, the 29th of May. Can't wait-but it's another trip to the hospital where they know me by name now-that's sad.  Few more follow ups and I won't see the plastic surgeon again. He was my favorite doctor in this whole mess, he is a really nice guy. Super temperament. But it's time we part.

Ready to put this all behind me. Real soon! No port ,no nothing-nothing but the second half of my long, healthy life!

Recovery

I'd have to say that Doc's metaphor comparing the recovery pain to doing too many sit ups is totally inaccurate. What he should have said is that I was going to feel as if I was sawed in half with a rusty implement in a side show circus act. Yeah, that's how I feel.  I'm bruised up and sore. I've been wearing constantly a huge torso brace, after three days now it's getting rather annoying.  I over did it a little yesterday, grocery shopping and errands. Paying for it today. It's so boring wanting to do things around the house and not being able to bend.  Hoping for a speedy recovery-I've got things to do!

Back at Home

X Didn't I look so relaxed? Not stressed? Weird eh? My blood pressure was great and pulse was 86. Last doctor visitmy pulse   was 116. I don't know why I was so chill, but I was. Doc marked me up and told me what he planned to do. He made sure I was never going to ask for a team flap procedure down the road, I said for sure. Not going to happen. Too major. Too painful. This is it baby, love me for who I am...(to the collective whole).

After marking me up, off I went. I guess if your not anxious they just take you in coherent and you get to see all the stuff in the OR. Mixed feelings about that. I thought of my hobby doc (jk) friend Kristin and how she'd love it! I crawled on the skinny table and they strapped me down again in the crucifixion pose. Nothing creepy about that. Although a Soundgarden reference could be made here. Everyone was prepping. I was gabbing away, probably out of nerves. I asked the nurse who was my age if she was going to "weekend at Bernie's" me and she laughed. I told her I would. There was a very nice man about my age, nurse, who was sweet and told me that he did all this with his wife and it was going to be okay. Greatly appreciated. The anethesiologist talked to me about school and then knocked me out. Then...let's not think about it. Recovery okay, ride home and home a bit nauseated from drugs but starting to feel better. Tired and sore. I'm thinking this is going to be a little more intense than he said...starting to catch on to Doc's ways...sugar coat it all... Hmm. Low key weekend for me. Only thing I'll do besides rest is watch Dane's games on Saturday. Move slow, rest, heal. Thank goodness it was postponed-can't even imagine bending over putting a snowboard on! Or let alone doing anything else right now.

And a word about this selfie-I sent it to Krisitin and she said I looked like an "angel"-I told her,"you don't say that to someone about to be put under!" Aahhhhhhhh!!!!!

I'm Hungry

Today, soon, in for yet another procedure. Today I'm having lipofill done, and I'm a little nervous. I'm not all that scared of the procedure, rather I am nervous that I've been feeling so great that I'll now be sore and lame for a bit.  This is the third spring I've had surgery. I hated spring before, now I really dislike it. 

The procedure sounds quick. My plastic surgeon will "harvest" some fat.... Barf. Or, as I prefer, " borrow some tissue from a donor site"-and fill in areas up top that need more cushion. I'm bone on skin, and this procedure will give a small layer between that bone and skin and maybe make it softer. It is also believed to help heal irradiated skin.  He will also fill in some bumpy areas.  Who knows. I'm only doing this once, I hope.

So I'm waiting at home to go. Brad went to work for a bit because they called last night and moved it to 12:15. I'm ready to kill my dog (disclaimer-not literally) because he's been barking non stop all morning. I already have a lack of food and no water headache. Argh!

Wish me luck and I'll post when I can about how it went. Maybe I'll come out a size 4 when I'm done...not bloody likely!

Can't stop me now

My First Cut

After 18 months of working hard growing hair, I bit the bullet and went in for a trim. The stylist couldn't believe the length for that time frame-go me.  She trimmed off some of my nasty, gnarly curls and took off some weight. Of course she straightened it, they always do. It looks nice, almost like the old me. Marley told me it looked "great", in her super sweet tone that melts my heart. Dane asked me if I got bangs and didn't even notice it wasn't curly...then again he has two strikes against him-he's almost 14-and he's a guy. :)

I really feel that last weeks check up was my new lease on life, my second chapter.  I feel awesome inside and out. Looking forward to continued health and happiness. For a long, very long time. 

Almost the Old Me

News of the Day

I should be sending a more detailed blog with a current picture of me and my luscious hair and all, but I can't seem to find time to do that-and I really want to share my news. 

I've made it two years. I am a survivor of two years already. Yesterday was the two year from my surgery and I had an appointment with my oncologist. I had blood drawn earlier in the week and I went Friday for her to read them and chat. They sent me my results in three batches throughout the week-but I deleted them all. I knew nothing good would come from me knowing they weren't good and not seeing her until Friday. So I didn't look. A few people thought I was crazy, but it actually helped me get through the week. Why ruin a week-potentially. 

My tests came back normal, all of them. Granted I didn't have a scan-but there is no reason to have one. I'm still at the leveled playing field as any other healthy person. Sure, I've got some battle wounds but I have plans for those.

I'm so relieved and happy. I feel like things may work out for me. They say if you make it two years it increases your longevity ( I hate "survival rate"). Next milestone is five years. So three to go!

Next steps: surgery on April 16 to fix up top and sometime soon I get my port removed! Yeah! 

So happy! I know everyone's thoughts and prayers have helped me. I know it. Thank you and big hugs! 

I'll work on posting a picture soon!

Tomorrow

Two years ago tomorrow I'd come home from work and see Brad working intently on something at the kitchen table. The air was thick and I felt a tension that was off...he kept working and really didn't want to look at me. He stayed busy. I told him we needed to call the doctor because I couldn't go all weekend without the results of the biopsy. I told him it was driving me nuts not knowing. But in my head, good news was just too casual and that they forgot to call. When I went to go to the office to call he asked me to go downstairs to the basement. Then I knew. I knew it was cancer. He told me it was. My husband broke the worst news of my life. The sobbing began.

That was the beginning of my "journey".

It won't be the exact date but it is the correct Friday, which has more impact than the date for me. So here I am. Just about two years later. I've made it this far.  It's been quite a ride-needless to say.  I've never read or asked statistics or prognosis, everyone is different and the survival rate is so much stronger now that things are changing all of the time. I was told if you make it to the two year mark you greatly increase your chances of survival. If you make it to your five year mark its even better. Now I have a three year goal to work towards. I'm assuming that's why you take tamoxifen for five years? Maybe. If the stuff works-keep on it right? Although it can cause uterine cancer.... I'd love to believe I never have to deal with cancer again, and on good days I believe that. I hope and dream that....I don't want to think about having to do it again. Blah,

I was pretty down last week and starting to freak about the two year mark and my upcoming blood tests and oncologist visit. I was starting to find myself perseverating over all the "what ifs" and making deals and bargains with myself.  I found myself strolling down dark places with pointy sticks and scissors facing up...all bad, very bad. I sought a little help. I talked with two friends that are both doing well on the other side. One more fresh than I, and another a 12 year out survivor. Both did something different for me. I am not sure what it is I was looking for, but a few lights turned on in those alleys and my head is doing better. I think it was just in need of some validation of my feelings and someone to listen to me...someone who understands-because if you have not done this first hand you absolutely cannot understand these feelings. You just cannot. It's a different world.

I'm going to try to stay sane for the next couple of weeks before the doctor. I'm really feeling pretty good, besides my ridiculously tight chest and armpit muscles. My PT and masseuse will help me-they always do. I've been having some more aches and chest/implant pain but it seems to be muscular, nothing else really so I'm going to stop freaking about that too.  I'm just going to keep happy thoughts in my head😊.

I need to thank and say I love you to all my friends who have supported me through this ordeal. My goal is to try to thank more of you personally-somehow in my spare time!  

Let's hope I don't get all weirded out in the next few days. 10$ brad has no clue the days....

I'm in it for the long haul. That's the only deal I want to make with myself...just keep living!

It's Been Awhile

Time for an update. I've been going to physical therapy twice a week after work to continue to gain mobility in my left arm/shoulder/chest. I've made a lot of progress but am still tight and am pretty sure I'll be stiff forever.  It does frighten me that I couldn't tell the difference between stretched pain or something bad. I hurt chronically.  It is what it is. Some days the pain is very uncomfortable. I don't complain. No point. I just deal. People rarely ask how I am anymore, that's good. It's not my identifier. 

I went to see my plastic surgeon today to discuss the upcoming surgery scheduled for March 2nd. After discussing the procedure and recovery, we decided to postpone it to April. Even though I've waited six months for this day to come, if I go through with it in March I will have limited physical activity for spring break...and if you know me, things that ruin trips are very, very bad.  Doc said he would move around his schedule and get me in asap in April. So we have a win win situation. What's another month?

We went through the procedure and I had to tell him to stop using the term, "fat harvesting" while making a sawing gesture. I said it was a term definitely coined by a man and completely nasty. We had a good laugh. I also wanted to laugh when he said he could harvest my flanks. I am just another piece of meat! Ha.

It all sounds pretty nasty, but I trust him. He was impressed that I had done some research ahead of time so I could discuss it with him.

So for now I wait for the date. I'll continue PT, and on the 20th of March I see my oncologist for labs. Pretty sure I'll be completely freaked out by then. In a few weeks I will have reached my two year mark. They say if you make it two years you have a better chance of survival. If you make it five you're practically golden. 

I need to get through these next blood tests and continue on the path to healing. 

I hope I dont go too crazy in the meantime.