300

I haven't blogged from the computer in ages.  I have been blogging from my phone because I started to forget at night, and Brad took his laptop.  I am a creature of habit, so when things change I forget.  I am blogging early this morning because I checked how many posts I have had, and today is number 300!  That is a lot of me ranting about my marathon from Hell.  I put my first 150 pages into a hardcover book to have forever, I guess it is time to do the same for these last blogs. I don't blog for anyone but myself.  I know it keeps may people informed about what is going on in general, but if I told you all I felt it would be one demented story. There is always a lot going on, and honestly, it isn't easy being me this past year.  I have to say that the 27, 227 blog views is amazing.  I don't know who you all are, only some.  But I have to thank you for caring enough to check in on me.  Like Brad tells me all the time...this isn't for everyone. This is a marathon, a long haul, not a quick race.  So thank you to all my secret friends out there.  Thank you for all the prayers and thoughts that have helped me deal with all that has been thrown my way for the past 10 months. Remember, pray often and hard....

Well, that was this morning and now I find myself blogging at night, before bed.  Today was fine, productive if nothing else.  I did go see my primary physician and she didn't seem over worried about anything.  She looked at all my recent results of blood work and confirmed that all looked good. My liver and other organ functions are all perfect.  She felt around my belly and didn't feel anything suspicious. She felt in my lower abdomen and I said it felt slightly tender. She didn't suggest a CT scan, she suggested an ultrasound to see if there is anything going on in my uterus or ovaries.  Doesn't mean it's bad, but could cause me discomfort.  Hopefully they will get this done for me this week while I am off of school.  I want to figure this out soon. If that is inconclusive, and I still feel this ache, I will opt for the CT scan.  I like my doctor.  I like all my doctors, I just don't like going to them.  These are good people I wish I didn't have to know.  I am going to stay positive and wait and go get the ultrasound.  I will take it from there.  I don't want anything to interfere with my February surgery. I am going to start this new year off right. Physically and Mentally. This is MY year.

Brad and I went out tonight for dinner and drinks with friends. I needed to get out so bad.  We had a great time just hanging out having a couple of beers in a cozy atmosphere and being adults.  I am excited to get my life back. I am excited to be me again.  I have promised myself that as soon as I get this belly issue in check, I am going to regain myself. I am going to get in shape, not a shape. I am going to prepare myself for my new body and mind.  This is going to be the year of me. I know what I want from myself on many levels.  I need to reclaim Donnanne...and look out world...here I come!

Sunday

Today was dreary, I don't like dreary. Last night I had Marley sleeping with me because Brad was going to be out late. I figured he would just come home and go to her bed...nope, he moved her. I didn't know it until about a half hour later when I thought a freight train was coming through my bedroom!!! The snoring! Omg! I packed my pillow and headed in with Marley...late night switcheroo. Today was grocery shopping day, because we were out of a bunch of staples and tomorrow is going to be ridiculously cold. No going anywhere unless needed...like the doctor.

Trying to stay sane. Trying not to worry about all the what ifs...  Nothing I can do but get it checked out. 

Trying to plan a fun event this week. Kids want a cake contest. Well Marley does, and then that becomes a challenge for Dane. And me.  We may have several kids here decorating cakes and whatnot. Should be interesting. Fun stuff. I want to focus on fun stuff.

Going to enjoy sitting by the fire and relaxing. 

Saturday 12/28/13

I feel crappy. Not sure if it's my belly issues, fighting a flu, side effects of tamoxifen  or just exhaustion getting through last week or so. I almost feel like I could be sick, like throw up. If that happens I'll be taking myself in the morning to the hospital. I beg that doesn't happen. I'm already a mental wreck about how I feel. So scared. It's really a lonely place to be. It sucks. I spent the day hanging out and doing very little. Brad, Mars and I went to breakfast which was a lot of fun. We did the counter at a diner and Marley was just a stitch. She brings me so much happiness. I picked up Dane later and then he left again. I miss my little boy...he has his own life now...although he texted that he loved me late last night at his sleepover. He will always be my little boy.

I guess I'm getting sentimental and weird because I'm nervous. Have to wait until Monday to get this ball rolling-unless I go to hospital...that may be a good idea if I feel shittier tomorrow. Shave a day off this mess. Hopefully there will be a few doctors working next week. 

I feel bad for my family. I feel like I have ruined so much of our lives. We were happy and had visions of our future and I messed it all up! I've apologized to Brad -he picked a bad egg....I've ruined so much. I don't want to make our lives any harder. I want to get healthy and sweep this into a past memory. I just feel bad for them. They all deserve me better. I can do it, I plan to, just let me feel better or give me a reason for this crap... Hernia? Muscle? Side effects? Busted ovary? Who knows..... But it's wearing me thin... Having a high tolerance for pain and discomfort kinda sucks sometimes.

Wow... How depressing am I? I'm lying here in a warm bed, next to Marley safe and sound. I should be happy and present in my moment and cross bridges when they come...seems like I live in Venice though...lots and lots of bridges....

Had to show this picture.. This is Marley opening her last gift...an iPad mini. Love the expression. Priceless!

Still

Well it looks like I'll end up getting scanned next week, even though I'm deathly afraid. I know it may have to be done to rule anything out, but last time I heard-" it will ease your mind" turned out not so good. I have something going on, it needs to be addressed. Maybe it's side effects of the tamoxifen, who knows. I need to know. My appointment is later in the day so I will call oncologist office and have them schedule the scan- because most likely it will end up going that way. I'm afraid. Bottom line. Rationally it is most unlikely anything bad. I've had serious zapping, poisoning and blocking for the past six months. No matter what, the issue needs addressing. Fear. I live in fear. Fun times. 

Going to try not to dwell on it this weekend and enjoy the weather before it turns frigid. 

Lazy Day

First thing I did today was call to see if I could get into the doctor sooner. But no. Everyone is on vacation. Did you know that you should not need medical care over the holidays.... Argh. I emailed my oncologist to ask for advice, they called me back and said pretty much wait until Monday. Unless of course things get worse, then go to urgent care or ER. It's not worse, but it's still here. It may be slightly better than yesterday... However I was a bum today. Marley and I ran to a few stores to find iPad mini cases, she got one but I didn't. Then we bummed. I think I took a nap, I know right??? Dane hung out with a friend and went to a movie... Got to go get him soon.  The more I think about my pain the more I think it's muscular. Keep your fingers crossed it heals soon. No tests. I don't want that.   I have to call tomorrow to get my every three month mugga heart scan scheduled, fun times. Never stops.

I need to update pics, but I've been blogging from phone and iPad which don't allow as much formatting. My hair is growing like a chia pet and is getting long. It's kind of fun watching it grow. Not that I ever want to experience that again. Once is more than enough. 

I'd like to start the new year off healthy and happy. I'd like to work on rebuilding myself and moving forward in a positive physical and mental way. 2014 will be a much better year! It has to be!!!!

Merry Christmas 2013

I cannot believe that Christmas is just about over...can't we make it a bit longer?? All the hype and work... And poof... Over before you can say Frosty the Snowman.  We had a very nice Christmas, and the kids are very happy. I'm just happy to be here and share the holidays with my babies. My Christmas wish is that I will have many more. 

I mentally feel okay-kind of, and I'm even getting some sleep...I however continue to have strange belly pains. Today was wierder than other days. Freaking me out. Five days until the doctor unless I can't deal with it and go to urgent care. It's not excruciating, it's odd and uncomfortable. Make it go away!!!!

I need a break. Brad needs a break. The stress level in our world is running high. There's a lot going on that causes to much anxiety. Haven't we suffered enough this year? Isn't it time to give us a break? I'm not sure whom I'm directing that towards, all that are recepective I guess.  

Going to bed. Hoping the beast in my belly is gone by morning. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!!

Merry Eve of Christmas!

We are on the way home from our Christmas Evening with Brad's family. We got a late start because Brad had to work, and the kids were anxious.  It was a nice evening of food, conversation and kids.  It was starting to get late and the girls wanted to go home so they wouldn't miss Santa. I love it!!!!  Too cute!!

Today I went to my massuese and she worked me over. She believes my pain is one of my muscles. She found it and pushed it and I actually slapped her hand it hurt so bad. That's a good sign that's all it is. I'll still visit my doctor in a few days.  She also worked on my neck and other sore areas. I really like going to her. She knows her anatomy and is also a really grounded person. I'm glad I put her on my healing team! I needed to go today. 

Enough of that stuff, I hope everyone is having a great holiday! I hope you have tucked in your babies and are snuggling up for a few hours sleep before they wake you up with anticipation of wonders under the tree!!! I love how Christmas is so precious to kids. Love it!!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

My Xmas Wish

First day off for break, and we are not ready for Christmas. Marley had the dentist, Dane had two babysitting gigs, I met Kristin for an afternoon beverage, grocery shopped, went to see Christmas lights with Karen and kids and now need to wrap gifts! Argh!!!!  I officially would like to postpone Christmas for one more week...we all could use a little more time :)

I called to make an appointment with my primary physician, but can't get into her until December 30th, which I guess isn't that far. However, my belly aches are not going away. I have a massage tomorrow, so I will have her work on my neck. I know I would be in such a great place right now with Christmas and everything if I wasn't so worried about all the pings and pangs. I can't figure out how to stop. Go to the doctor and have them start the poking and prodding process...that's what I fear.   I'm such a chicken.

If I knew that I was fine and had to live with my discomfort, I could, and I wouldn't be so batty.

Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I'll wake up and feel greet! Let's hope. I've been taking melatonin since I've finished my NyQuil and cold. The melatonin is helping me and it's way better than those crazy drugs.. I've got enough crazy going on!

Here's to visions of sugar plums and feeling good in the morning!

My Little Girl is 9!

Today is Marley's birthday and we celebrated it with a party for her and her girlfriends. She had 6 girls over and they watched a movie, decorated cookies and  had ice cream pie. She had a great time. 

Afterwards we all just hung out and played games, crafted and watched The Next Great Baker...Marley loves baking shows. 

Nine years ago I was in the hospital with my new baby girl. Now, a whole life time of change...all I care about is being here for her for her next 30 birthdays. I love her so much. 

Hustle and Bustle

Woke up tired. It's been a long fall. Not a bad one, but long. This is the first day to breathe...yet there is no time for rest. I am still having the odd cramp and plan to call a doctor on Monday. I just fear spending winter break getting tests and finding out something bad. Yes, it is unlikely, but it's a real fear. I can't figure out how to make it go away. The pain and the fear. I wanted to feel super this Christmas after meeting with doc and having good bloodwork and all, but I don't feel good and that sucks. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Time. I think it takes time....

As much as I would have loved to stay in sweats all day, life goes on...and Christmas is just about here. I took Marley to see Santa, then out to lunch because she was starving, then we had to run errands to throw an impromptu birthday party tomorrow for her. Phew.

We hung out as a family tonight because we were all pooped. Tomorrow is my baby's 9th birthday-I can hardly believe it! 

Hoping to sleep in, but I know Marley will be super excited and wake us up. :)

Nice Night

I would have to say that tonight was one of the most pleasant nights I've had this entire yeat. After a long day at work I came home, cleaned up a bit with no agenda at all. My pal Karen asked if we would like to do dinner. I suggested a Mexican place we all enjoy and haven't been to in awhile. So it was a go. 

Dinner was lively and fun. We had mariachi, which I love, play for us, and some tasty margaritas.  This was the first time in 9 months that I have felt the effect of a drink. It was lovely.  We had a great time. Then we came back to our house and sat around and just enjoyed each other's company by the fire and good music. Wine. Conversation and just hanging out. It was truly what I needed. Wanted. And want to replicate again. Perfect night. Thanks Koskys!

Boys are gone, we have girls. I'm blogging without glasses on my phone.!m siute it's a mess.

 Oh well! Who cares!!!!!   Happy holidays! 

Needing a Break

I feel the need for a break. I need a break from pain. I need a break from worry. I need a break from the stress that is caused by those two things. I want to feel good for just one day. I want to have a great outlook and feeling because I physically feel good. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being scared. I want to be happy and lively! I want the old me back!!!!

I know. Can't happen. Then I want the new and improved me!!

I need to learn to live with the joint pain from Tamoxofin, it's kind of like arthritis. Kinda sucks.

I have the option to stop taking it if it is too hard on me...how could I? It is proven to be a very effective blocking agent...I have to deal with it...not an option. I don't want this crap to ever return! Never! Not invited....

It's too late to get into it all... 

I'm going to wish myself better and maybe magic will happen...maybe.

Long Afternoon

Blogging from herceptin infusion-I'm bored. I had a visit with the radiology nurse and she liked what she saw. Check.

Had bloodwork and the oncologist said everything looks good. Check.

I told her about my aches and pains and she felt around and nothing obvious to her. She suggested that I call my gyne and see her. Then we could do a ct scan of my abdomen to rule anything out. Not check.  I am afraid of scans.  I am afraid of "ruling things out" because they don't work in my favor. So I am hoping that whatever is going on will stop. It could be a pulled muscle, or strange menstrual cycle, I'm hoping that's all it is.

Some of the other issues I'm having are most likely side effects of the Tamoxofin. Joint and muscle pain.  I'm supposed to monitor if it affects my quality if life. I have a huge tolerance for pain so it's hard for me to gauge.  Plus the Tamoxofin is huge in preventative measures.

Once I'm done here I need to whip my head around the fact the bloodwork was good and she had no concerns except the ones I brought up. I know we all have normal aches and pains and I am older than I was the day before, but it all scares the crap out if me and I am tired of being scared. I'm tired of being in annoying pain and I am ready to start putting this behind me. I am ready to be on the other side.

Hoping for a quiet night at home wrapping gifts. I am totally behind on Christmas and need to get that in some form of control.

All for now. All seems good. 

12/17

Came home from work and cleaned a bit, houses should be automatically cleaned on birthdays and holidays. Like magic. Brad ended up working late so dinner plans had to be changed. Around five I hit a wall so large I thought I was going to put pjs on and call it a night.  I helped Mars put together gifts for teachers and finally brad came home. 

He gave me a beautiful card and a new camera. A pocket sized one. He knows how much I loved my old one and how much I don't like phone cameras. I'm very happy with my gift. :). He wants me to take one picture a day for a year for a huge photo montage project...sounds up my alley. I'm pretty good about doing a daily journal...........

We ended up going to an Irish Pub for dinner. Guinness and shepard's pie. Pretty good stuff. 

Overall it was a good day. My family was great and I was here to celebrate. Here's to many more birthday! For all of us!!!!

Mid day post

I forgot to post last night-so I'll mini catch up now at lunch. I am starting to get all freaky because I have to see the doctor tomorrow and do bloodwork. I don't know how I will never be nervous seeing her. I wish I could calm down. I'm getting all scared and the holidays and birthdays make it harder. So do my pings and pains. Just want a break to feel good. Six months Brad says, I'll feel good in six months. Oy! That's a long time!

It's my 44 th birthday today, and I am thankful to be here. Birthdays have new meaning to me.  Brad told me I'm like two 22 year olds (not quite) and halfway to 88. I like that. Going to get thru the day and hopefully go to a nice dinner with family...but Dane's not feeling well... Poop.  

Report out later :)

All I Want For Christmas...

Well another successful holiday party took place, as usual. It was important for us to have our party regardless of all the crap that has happened this year...it's part of going back to normal. Plus, I love Christmas!  The party includes a late night and hard Sunday. For me, it was just dealing with being tired...but no rest allowed! I went to Dane's final performance and took his friend with to see him. Post show they had set strike and had to help tear it all down. We were there for three hours!  Then I had to make cookies for the cookie exchange I organized...dumb idea Donnanne! Back to normal!

Oh well. I'm starting to get nervous about Wednesday when I see the doctor and do labs.  I have that pulled muscle again in my neck and a weird cramp in my lower abdomen. I should be rational but my emotions run high at the holidays and it's all so stressful. All I want for Christmas is a clean bill of health, healing and peace of mind. Not asking for much. I know, right?

Wanted to be in bed by 9, didn't happen. 

Worrier Dash....

I've been called a worrier before, so that's not new. If someone has any suggestions on how not to be a worrier, please advise.  My husband thinks I have to have something to worry about. I totally disagree. I would prefer not to worry, and I don't always. Right now I worry about every ache and pain I have. Why wouldn't I? Seems natural to think, Oh crap, what's going on?  I don't enjoy it, it just is. I've had a lower abdomen cramp like thing for about a week. Of course I'm concerned it's something bad. Most likely it isn't. I have a sore neck, still. Muscle problem still? Or is it something worse? See? I'm in a constant state of fear. I will live in fear forever. That sucks. I will try not to-but it's hard. If I think the worse, then I'm half way prepared. If I think the best, bad news is harder to take. Lame philosophy, but I don't like getting my hopes up too high to be crushed. Like last night, I was blindsided when the doctor said he couldn't do the procedure as I had thought. Never had that occurred to me. 

I know I will eventually learn to cope with the fear, or push it away. I think it takes time. Brad thinks I should be "over" treatment becuse it's done. It's been done for 4 days, and I'm in constant irritation from burns-kind of hard to look past so soon.

I'm so behind in the realm of Christmas. I have very few things done, have no time to do any shopping and don't even know what to get. My decorations are half up, which means if they are not up by tomorrow-they won't be. I will just have to deal with that. Although I feel like a lot of it is my fault. I can't do all that I used to, so it hasn't happened. I'm a ruiner this year. 

Man I sound pathetic. Maybe it's because it's Friday the 13th. Maybe.

Not Happy

Well, I went to see the plastic surgeon and wasn't completely thrilled with the news I left with. He said that my irradiated skin will not hold an expander. I almost lost it. He said my options are: a procedure where they take some of my back muscle and skin and add it to my area that's damaged and then the expander, or the procedure where they take my belly fat and make new breasts. One is a couple hours, the other 12. I don't want either personally, that wasn't in my plans. 

I guess I will go with the removal of some back strap meat and the expanders. I saw the recovery pics of the other and the stomach incision is across the entire belly. I'm already a mess and don't want more. I will have a back scar, but it's less. They actually don't take off the muscle they rotate it under my arm. It's nauseating thinking about it. I'm sure I'll cry some more.  

I could only hope my skin has a chance to bounce back and he say, " wow, I think we can do this without the muscle procedure". I will Will my healing and make that happen. I grew hair with sheet Will, I shall heal my skin. 

I am to see him mid January and then keep him posted on healing so he can determine if we can proceed for February 14th. I will most likely need 2 weeks off, but it has to get done-or the change out won't happen forever. I cried when I found out I'll have three drains. I'm just sad again. This sucks. Hospital stay 2-3 nights he said. More fun. 

Maybe I should accept my freakness and just not do it at all. Maybe it's too risky. I don't know. 

A lot of emotions swirling around. 

No Plan Evening

This was the first day in a long time that I didn't have to go or be somewhere. It was quite nice. I came home to a clean house and helped the kids find snow gear. I did a few things around the house and kind of chilled. Whole night was a bit laid back. Loved it.

Plastics called today, almost lost it. However they just wanted to know if I could be there an hour earlier. I said I could. Should be intersting. Hope I don't weep like a baby.  Having roller coaster emotions here and there right now. Birthday and holidays on the horizon, sentimental stuff and lots on my mind. I'll try to stay sane.

Everything from this point on is to rebuild me and nothing new should be a big hurdle like chemo and radiation. I did my time. Let's get to work and build me back again. I would like to be whole. 

First Day of Freedom

It was really nice not having to rush out the door today. I stayed after to get things I needed done and had think time. It didn't feel weird, it felt normal. What felt weird was leaving each day and flying down Randall Rd., trying to make it on time. I stopped rushing towards the end. I knew if I was late they would still have to treat me. But I don't have to worry now. 

I now can go back to normal routine of being able stop for a gallon of milk or what not. 7 weeks of that routine was brutal. But it's over. 

This evening I went for my massage. She worked on my neck and back. She could tell I am all out of whack by the way I carry myself. I walk hunched over in a very protective way. First of all, I can't stand up straight with my shouldersback because of my crispy skin. Second, I walk with my arm kind of protecting my chest not to get hit. All makes for scrunching!  It was good and I still enjoy her positive vibes. Then I went to the counselor or whatever she is. I don't know if I will see her again, depends on insurance. She was good to talk to and clear out some junk.

Tomorrow I have no after school plans...It's a miracle! I think it's the only day in the next two weeks that's empty. I'll probably have it filled by noon-or not!

Here's to a radiation free me!!

33/33!!!!!!!! Finally Over!!! Huzzah!!!

Doney, done, DONE!!!!  Close book...this chapter is OVER!!!! I am officially done with radiation!  I am officially done with the hard stuff!!! Whoop-whoop!!!!! 9 months ago I had never imagined this day...it was sooooo far away....Now it is here and I am super psyched it is over!

I didn't get a diploma this time, but I got a nice card signed by everyone and hugs.  I brought them a poinsettia and told them I hope to never see them again...they understood.  I saw the doctor and she said to use the burn cream for the next 1-2 weeks until those areas heal.  It will help prevent infection...never thought about infection.  That would be a bummer.  The cream works well, so I am optimistic about it helping all over.  I stop in next week for a skin check.

I was surprised today at work when a beautiful vase of pink lilies and yellow roses came to school...and they were for me!  My friends were thinking they were from Brad, and I told them he had never sent me flowers at work.  I thought they were from my school, because they have been so supportive.  I opened the card. Love Brad. I welled up and lightly cried.  It was so sweet and it is so scary and thrilling to be done with this round of treatment.  I am a mixed bag of emotions. It's overwhelming.  I am exhausted and energized....I love my flowers, and I was surprised.

It was a good thing it was the last treatment and I was happy, because I needed enough energy to get through this evening...I will rest someday when I am 86...until then, life goes on and it is busy.  Marley had gymnastics with the parent night.  I watched her show her moves.  Then we came home to get Dane and went to a 4H event from 6:30-8:00.  Had to stop at Portillos to feed the beasts.  It is now 9:00 and I am wiped.  The best part of today is tomorrow...I get to go home after work. I get to stay after work and do the things I need to, talk to people...not rush!  What a whirlwind...7 weeks of driving Mon-Friday....I am not sure I will go home...I had better put a post it note on my dashboard!

Overall I think my attitude and mood will improve. I have been pretty good, staying strong, but it takes a toll.  Now I want to focus on fun things like birthdays, parties and Christmas!!  Fatigue be gone!  Routine be gone!  Next chapter to begin...Thursday-when I meet with the plastic surgeon.....

One More to Go....

I have officially declared the radiation burns the second most painful thing of my "journey".  First being the horrible hemorrhoid, which was a nightmare in itself.  But this burn, it is something fierce.  I feel for people who are in accidents or fires, not just the devastation, but the pain.  I could not imagine. I know the burn cream helps, but I want it to be over. I have a few weeks of pain ahead of me... poop.

Tomorrow is the last day. I bought a poinsettia for the techs to say thanks for treating me so well.  I won't miss going back there everyday, I really won't.   I am looking forward to keeping my "d" necklace on, since it has been off for the past 7 weeks. Little things like that will be nice. Oh, and not driving 35 minutes each day after work, that too.

I have a busy week ahead of me. I am trying to push through the fatigue, but it is real. I know I can take off of work, but that doesn't really help much.  I will go to bed early and fight on through. Monday and Tuesday are the busiest, then it slows down...good, need to gear up for the weekend.

Dane had another performance today, Debby, Val and my brother and his girls all went.  He is really enjoying this. It makes me happy that he found another activity he enjoys.  Debby and I went to try to find me a festive outfit or shirt, and I cannot even try things on...so I found nothing. I am ready to be done with this immobility!! Argh!! 

Going to do a few things and head to bed early, even though Brad and I laid in bed quite late today....kind of felt like we were in Wisconsin.  I am telling you, why hadn't I thought of Nyquil earlier?  Only to get me through this cold...

One more day....
One more.

Feel the Burn

It was nice to not get up because I didn't have to this morning. I slept all night pretty much with the help of NyQuil, which is my new best friend. I can't sleep with the night time hacking cold, so it helps. We worked on the house all day. Kind of looks like a disaster area, but we've got a lot going on. 

Dane had two performances today, he's really enjoying being a part of this cast. I'm really proud of him. 

Tonight we went to a party. I almost didn't go. It took Brad and Marley to help me get dressed and pad my burns. Tears rolled down my cheeks-just trying to get dressed. I want to feel good, I'm toast, burnt toast- almost done! I know, one more. But the pain won't stop instantly, weeks of this to go. :(. The burn cream is good, but I can't use it on the area being treated in the boost. That is bound to crack and peel, I've never seen skin so pink. 

Going to bed and hopefully will sleep all night. One more day if this shitty week, hopefully next week will be better. 

32/33

Wow. I wish I could say, "seems like just yesterday I started frying my body", but I can't. It feels like I have driven to treatment 32 times...it feels like forever-because it's been forever! Ahhhhh!!!!

One more...and on a Monday. Who wants to end on a Monday? We should have just called it a wrap today and moved on....

I'm in quit a bit of discomfort, especially under my arm along my side. It's super pink and raw. The boost is frying along my scar like nobody's business. They told me some of  the burn effects may take up to two weeks to come out...great. I'll be done and it will still getting worse. Fun times. One to go....

I took some NyQuil last night because I have that night time hacking cough. It knocked me out until 3:00 a.m. When I got up. Not sure I slept much after that. 

Tonight was Dane's opening night of his play. It was great, very enjoyable and all the kids did a great job! Dane plays a nerdy doctor who wears this fabulous 70's light green polyester suit. Ha!  It was well done. :) we are very proud of our elf doctor!!!

Looking forward to two days of no zapping. I've currently slathered the medicated ointment on my bad areas and wrapped myself in an ace bandage. Looks like after surgery, reminiscing old times...old sucky memories...I want to be done and on the other side of this...with fresh skin, new body and a clean bill of health! That's what I want for Christmas!!

Wall...again....

I've hit the radiation fatigue wall... It really only kicked in about two days ago but it's a beast. I'm a zombie again. I know I am getting some sleep because I don't get up to pee. I am not resorting to any other drugs-sticking with the melatonin.  I have 2 more treatments! Finally a light at the end of the tunnel. Monday is my last zap!! Who hoo!  I don't feel much like celebrating though. This is has been a tough week-physically and emotionally.  Hoping for a better weekend. 

Where's the Sun?

Now I am having a bad day.
I just wrote a big blog and accidentally hit some stupid button and the whole thing disappeared.  I don't want to write it again. Damn.
Now a quick synopsis:  radiation went fast.  Doctor saw me before she went to the Bahamas, even though I saw other doc yesterday.  Kids had major meltdowns after school,  huge fight, bad words, no Christmas tree threat....outcome okay.

You know, I just don't have it in me to rewrite all of what I had.  It was good too-an important day, getting the Christmas tree.  See, Dane and I have a tradition and we had to break it and take Marley. That caused a huge fight also.  Anyway, they got over it and we went to Home Depot and picked a tree. I said no tree if not tonight, they would all be frozen. It was now or never. False threat, but it worked.  Then we headed to Starbucks and to Nancy's to get our Christmas tree pizza.  Old tradition, new member.  Deal with it. Regular evening otherwise.  Mobility is limited. Skin is tight and looks like corned beef.  Mmm.

I give up. I don't feel like blogging anymore tonight. Going to slather some medicated goop on my open wounds.
Oh, and I need some sunshine...can't take much more of this dreary shit.

WTF?

I cried today. Not because I had to get up early. Not because I didn't sleep well. Not because my skin feels like someone took a potato peeler to it. Not becuse I backed into a car. Not because it's gloomy. But because today another person I care about has to deal with cancer. I hate cancer. It is awful and mean. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!!!!  I will never embrace it, I will never find the good in it, it sucks and that's the bottom line. I will never understand its randomness...it's just not fair. 

I had the first of my last 5 boost treatments. These are quicker so that's the only bonus there. Saw the other radiologist, the one I started with, because my other one went to the Bahamas! Must be nice. Anyway, they looked at my burns and called in a prescription for some burn cream. Of course Osco calls and they don't have it and will get it by tomorrow.  Time to switch pharmacy. They seem to lack supplies. Now I wait for the cream, which sucks because my mobility on then left side is pathetic and I want the healing to start.

Busted tired, but Dane had a band concert tonight. He missed play practice, the kid is busy...all good for him.

Home now and ready to hit the cortisone....I sound like an old lady...

To all my friends out there, stay on top of things. Listen to your body.  Listen to what other people have experienced. Learn. Don't ignore information. Fucking cancer is an equal opportunity destroyer-anywhere in the body. We must revolt against it...we need to help and support each other as well as educate. Listen to yourself and others. Be brave. Be strong.

Rare

Raw meat. That's how I can describe my flesh...raw. Pink. Sore. Peeled...then burned some more....radiation treatment is undersold for pain. "It's a piece of cake"...they said... If you like to eat molten Siracha and glass cake... Sure you don't lose your hair, but how about the third degree burns? How about the constant pain of skin tightening and cracking open? Yeah, not my kind of cake! Even on my hardest chemo, I was down for one week and felt great for two...this is now constant 24/7 pain. "It's a breeze", my ass!

Okay, done with that rant. 

Finished my last treatment in the sorest of areas today. It felt like skin was going to bust open while treating. I had four days off and not getting in that position...wasn't easy today.   Last 5, concentrated along scar... However.. That area has also already had 28 treatments....guess what's going to hurt like a bitch next?  Can I cry now?

Went to reiki tonight. She took a long time and I was very relaxed. Grounded. I had a troubling phone call prior and that consumed half my brain and counter balanced my happy place thoughts.  It's progress, because last time I had reiki, my brain was like a squirrel on crack.

Tired now. That meditative, chakra aligning makes me tired. It also may be the fatigue from radiation (which I forgot about as a side effect until they asked), or  because I couldn't sleep until ten this morning.... Doesn't really matter, going to bed shortly.

Found 11 cents on the floor of Target, that's gotta be good right?

Tucked Away....

I'm blogging from the car while returning from four nights tucked away in our cabin in Wisconsin. We went up Wednesday after treatments and holed up, unplugged for a relaxing and healing getaway.  No treatments, no laundry.... Nothing really. It was just what I needed.  It was also what my skin needed. I alternated aloe with cortisone, and soaks and aquaphore... Just kept slathering....my shoulder area is now raw and peeling... So dry. One more treatment in that area. Can't wait for it all to be done. Just 6 more. 

I only took melatonin for sleep, making the transition from drugs to a more natural remedy.  Did okay, but what was key is that we didn't get our of bed until like 10 a.m., like 3 mornings in a row! It was dark and cozy.... And we could!!! Yeah! I almost finished a 500+ page book, we did a puzzle, made some crafts, sat by the fire, baked cookies, games, and visited friends who were up at their cabin for the weekend. The kids built forts in the woods thew while time.

I'm still very sore and uncomfortable. I'm really tired of this feeling. I think I've held my own, but I want a break... A long one.. But I know that isn't realistic. As soon as I heal from this, it's surgery... The road to feeling free of discomfort is a long one still.... :(.  But I'm making progress. This is the longest 9 months....and I thought pregnancy was hard! But soon I will be done with the major treatments. I started so long ago, so long. 

Oh well, at least I had a rejuvenating weekend. Since I was sick with a cold, it was good for me not to be home where I would have felt obligated to do stuff...I had no obligations and loved it. :)

Back to the real world soon....6 more days...I think I can, I know I can...

Happy Early Thanksgiving.

Had to get up early on my day off, major bummer. Had to be at radiation at 7:30 a.m.  Saw the doctor and she told me to just slather and heal for the next four days. I only have 6 treatments left...but only one in the sorest areas...that I didn't know....the last 5 are the boost along my scar line. That area is already pink and I'm sure 5 concentrated treatments will make me even more sore.  I'm really sore.

After that I crossed the garden and had to get herceptin. What a fabulous way to start the holiday break...

Still sick. Head cold. Tired. Looking forward to unwinding and unplugging for a few days. I'm so mentally drained about being in physical discomfort for 9 months. I want to feel normal.

May or may not blog over next few days. Spending a few unplugged days in solitude at the cabin. No treatments there.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Still Sick :(

Slept on and off with this nasty head cold. Went to work and finished up with conferences...it was tough because I just felt so cruddy. Came home and went right to bed. I was so comfortable, just laying there resting. Had to put thebark collar on the dog so I could have peace. 

Set my alarm for 3 in order for me to go to radiation. It's very difficult for me to go now. My skin hurts something fierce and I want it to be over. I had X-ray's today so I had to lay there longer. It takes me a bit of time to put my elbows down once my hands are over my head, the skin is tight and burned. It's looking like I could end up with third degree burns by the time this is over. 

After radiation, went home had a cup of soup, and went to my massage. I had called earlier and told them I was sick and said I should probably cancel. They told me to come in because they could help. I thought, it couldn't hurt. 

I bought a package of four massages because it makes them a little cheaper. My insurance doesn't cover any massages or chiropractic work...I guess I add it to the overall expense account of this ordeal. Anyway, my plan is every other week through this mess...

She worked on my feet a lot, which was great and my hand and head. She worked on draining my sinuses through massage on my neck and face... I was skeptical...originally, but each time I see her I feel better... I actually felt better this evening, less congested and thick....she may be my new miracle worker...going to stick with her, plus we talked and found out we hung out in the same circle of friends in high school...even had mutual friends....small world.   I find her to be knowledgeable in her field and so far I've been pleasantly surprised. 

I have to get up early on my day off to go in for treatment and herceptin. Fun way to start the holiday....

Damn Cold!

Longest day ever.... Started with an early morning jaunt to radiation, then off to work for the extra long day... The conferences were all fine, I enjoy meeting with the parents. I was okay until lunch, then I started slowing down...by four I wanted cry-knowing I had four more hours to go.  My cold had gotten worse overnight and I was already tired from a night awake blowing my nose....instead of a dinner break, because nobody wants to eat when your tongue feels furry, I laid down in the nurses office for an hour. I think I dozed for 15 minutes.  Either way I needed it. When I got up I had just about nothing left of my voice... That was fun for the rest of the evenings conferences! 

Got home. Ate soup. Put Vicks on my feet. Talked to kids. Applied burn bandages. Now ready to sleep. Out of Ativan and didn't call for more.... Didn't help last night with cold anyway....

Hope tomorrow's a bit better....

Figures...

I have a cold and it sucks. Bad sleep last night too, so I was beat all day. I have a cold about this time every year, near parent teacher conferences. It wouldn't be that big of a deal if I wasn't already wiped and didn't have to start a 12 hour day with early morning radiation....but whose complaining....

I went to radiation today to be able to have Thursday and Friday off... My four days of healing....looking forward to that... Or my skin will be crispy...like on a deep fried turkey. 

I kinda rested all afternoon because I am trying to avoid getting sicker.  I also rested because I wanted to go to Friendsgiving.  Karen and Mike host a wonderful feast where we all bring dishes and have a fabulous meal! I think we had 15 adults and 14 kids! Wow! Hoping the tryptophan in the turkey helps me sleep tonight! Should have washed it down with cherry juice....

In bed, early to attempt to conquer the day ahead....

Brrr!

Had a rough night last night. Went to bed with a sore throat and a bad feeling I was going to get a bad cold. Woke up several times with my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth... Because I can't breathe through my nose.... Cold is starting but wasn't that bad today... Thank goodness.  Hope it doesn't get worse.

I slept with the oil bandages on and I felt pretty good today. Getting ready to do that again. Radiation tomorrow. 

This evening we did a fun walk through the Mooseheart Christmas Lights.... Brrr! We did it with Brad's family, then ordered pizza and had a pre thanksgiving get together. The lights were nice, it was something to do, the walk was about 1.26 miles, but it was cold! We got a Santa hat, tshirt and bag....good for the kids! 

Curling up in bed with Mars in a few...hopefully all that cold air will knock me out. 

Droopy Eyes

Tonight was about the kids. Each kid had friends over for a movie. Brad and I carried oiit Thai.  I'm really exhausted and feel like I'm getting sick. Hopefully not. I don't need a cold now. 

Today was an additional planing session for a booster zap my last week if radiation. Doc said she treats the scar line as a boost because that is the most common place for a reacurance. With that said, boost away. 

Super packed weekend ahead if us, need to stay healthy. Falling asleep and going to rest up.. Plus no glasses...

Endless Thursday....

This is an endless day... I'm blogging from Dane's play practice... I thought it was done at 8:30, got here a bit early and it's not over until 8:45. I have been home for 15 minutes this evening....

Radiation was backed up so I was there an hour tonight. I had a hard time getting my arms down today... It hurt. :(

Then I ran home and ate a bit of soup and a half burnt quesadilla....then off to a reiki session...then to the therapist...and now sitting here. I'm trying not to listen so the play is fresh for me.. But they're doing the last scene...figures. 

Tomorrow is Friday, yeah! Except they told me to prepare for at least an hour tomorrow...of my time...not including any wait time.... What a fun way to start the weekend.... Pff!

Oh well, at least it will be a Friday! 

Oh and I wore a little clip barrette in my hair today... That's a milestone in hair growth!!! 

Burnt Out...

My days are getting long...partially because of how dark it is so early, but mainly because my radiation treatments are taking a lot longer.  My time is supposed to be fairly quick, but they continue to have trouble lining me up...not sure what the problem is.  Today they took weekly x-rays and I met with the doctor. I was there for almost an hour and a half!  That is a long time.   I go in during the day, and come out when it's pitch black...taking a toll. Today was number 21.  12 to go.  I know, I am over the hump and moving on...but I just keep going to the same place everyday and it is getting old.  I will be there even more over the next week:
Thursday-regular treatment.
Friday-extra long appointment because doctor is going to do some boost treatment along scar line. This treatment is only done by her.  I guess it is a one time deal.
Saturday-off
Sunday-Treatment, yep...Sunday
Monday-7:30 a.m. treatment before my 12 hour parent teacher conference work day.
Tuesday-regular treatment
Wednesday-7:30 treatment, and 9:00 Herceptin
Thurs-Sun-off...thank goodness....

So much.  December 9th is my last day.  As much as I don't want time to fly by, I am looking forward to the end of this. I know people say that radiation is a breeze-maybe because you don't loose your hair or have the other side effects. However, it in itself, isn't a piece of cake. My skin is burning and tight and I am constantly itchy.  No, I am not throwing up. No, I don't have other horrible things, but this still kinda sucks.  I also found out that the one technician who has been with me from the start leaves on Wednesday and won't see me through my treatments.  I guess they rotate the techs between River West and Rush-Copley...that's too bad-people become your security blanket too.

Enough of radiation talk. 
Full day tomorrow...I have Reiki and therapist in the evening.  Should come home relaxed and stress free....fingers crossed....

Uncomfortable

I have a high tolerance for pain, so I guess I'd have to say I'm in the uncomfortable stage of radiation. My skin is a red, bumpy, tight, itchy mess. All day at work I was in pain from the rawness and the clothing.  It's really sore on my sternum  and under my arm. I am looking forward to after next Tuesday, when I can wear loose sweatshirts and not be anywhere public and heal. 

I was starting to get down on the way to radiation becuse I was so sore.  Then they were late so I waited. Didn't make it better.  It was hard to stretch today... It will only get tighter and worse. :(  a few more weeks-I can do it... Snapped out of a potential funk with a little foosball and air hockey with the kids, and a walk with Brad. 

Tomorrow is a new day... More aloe and more cortisone....

Hunka Hunka burning skin

Nothing new except I hate the burning skin! Argh! I want to itch and scratch..... But I'm trying not to....

Sunday...

What a lovely day of wicked weather. Made me thank my lucky stars I have a warm home to live in.  

Had a ridiculously hard time getting out of bed today. So I didn't. Until 10:30....I woke early, but my body said "stay in bed and rest, because you can."  I listened. I tried to fall asleep but I was in a half stupor most of the time, but I needed it.  I showered to wake up and the rest of the day I was pretty good. Each weekday morning I crave to stay in bed, it was what I wanted. So I did it. 

Had a lovely dinner with the Files family to round off the weekend. It was a cruddy day so a nice homey dinner was perfect. The nice thing about making a Sunday night dinner are the leftovers....mmm. No cooking tomorrow night! :). See how the littlest things can make one happy! 

This week is a full mon-Friday radiation. Joy. My skin hurts so bad. I did a compress of some stuff they suggested and it felt fine at the time but as soon as it was done it began to hurt.  It's starting to hurt more and it's bad with wearing the heavy sisters... Can't go to work without, and can't bear the pain.... Stuck here. This is truly sucky. It all is. A few more weeks and the treatments will be done. I hope my skin doesn't get too much worse. Fingers crossed. 

Saturday

Busy day of normal stuff.  Errands, housework, taking kids here and there.  Tiring, but normal.  My biggest complaint of the day is my raw skin.  I have a stronger prescription cortisone cream, which helps for awhile.  But I am starting to get raw...and it is bumpy and itchy.  So now, I am a scarred up mess, with a road map and road rash on my chest.  Oh so pretty. It is almost impossible to imagine my chest ever resembling anything that looks good, or normal...even my skin...will that ever heal?

Went to a trivia night for a fundraiser tonight and had a good time.  Marley was at a party for awhile while Dane was home.  There is a whole story behind that, but don't get me started.  The trivia was fun, and we had a table of 10 of us.  At one point we were tied for first place, but we descended rapidly...

Even though I wasn't dressed up, jeans, my Chris Cornell jersey and a pink vest, I felt good for the first time in a long time about how I looked. My hair is getting longer, which means I have a little more to play with...not just the chia pet look.  I of course, sported my 3lb. weights from Hell, but I feel I have to in public to make me look like...me. But I had a good attitude and am hopeful someday this will be a memory...or at least fade.  I know it will always be a part of who I am...that is just a fact.  The night is over and time to rest.

Friday

I know if I don't post I'm in trouble. :). All is pretty good, except my skin is starting to hurt. I have a bad, bright red rash that itches. I have a prescription for a stronger cortisone, but haven't made it to osco yet. I'm alternating aloe and regular cortisone to help it. Neither are doing much. It's concentrated in specific areas, and is highly bothersome. Fun times.

18 done.

Had a nice evening of dinner and shopping with Debby. Wasn't too productive but got some ideas to think about. Dane went to a friends for a movie, and Brad took Marley to movie night at her school. Everyone was out and about.

Tired. 

Good night. 

Officially Half Way Done

17 Down.  16 to go.  Over the hump.  Yeah.  Today's session was loooonnngggg.   I got there and had to wait. I tried to ask the lady ahead of me how long she was waiting but she only said, "Sorry, I no understand."  I think she was Polish. I thought to myself, how flippin' scary is that?  You are in another country where you don't speak the language and are receiving crazy treatments...do you even fully understand what they are doing? Hell, I speak English and don't fully get it all.  I am sure she isn't ignorant, it just made me think. I waited.

 Finally it was my turn. First I was treated and then I was in for the planning session...what is that again you ask? Well, it is when they hover over you, move you, draw on you, take a zillion x-rays, call the doctor in and make sure it all is perfect. It also is about an hour of lying still in the exact same position...the uncomfortable one.  They asked me if I cared if their physicist, Ron or Ross, or something like that came in and watched.  I asked, being me, "Is he hot?"  They giggled of course and told me that he was already in the room, and that he was married.  My reply was, "You didn't answer my question, and I don't care if he is married, is he hot?"  Their reply was more giggling...I asked this man, who spoke on the left side of me, to come around and introduce himself. I don't like people working on me if I cannot even see their face once.  He did.  Nice guy, not my type. :) So I had 3 technicians, on physicist and the radiologist all doing what it is they do.  Seriously labor intensive and super technical.  My doctor wanted everything perfectly clear and down to the mm of even the pen marks...you go girl!

I was happy when I was done.

Tonight was yoga night here at home. Ursula is working on restorative yoga with me in my yoga room downstairs....finally the room is getting its proper usage.  It was good.  She knew I didn't want super easy yoga, but also that I have some limitations....Hopefully in a few months I will be strong again...enough to get surgery and weaken again....then up...then down....Oy!   It was good for the both of us...and so easy to get to. :)

TGIF for tomorrow....not sure why, but a weekend is always nice.  I am feeling so much better, and even less tired during the day.  A few plans here and there this weekend to get back in the full swing of a social life, balanced with resting and doing the things that need to be done around here....

Hope everyone has a great Friday!

25 Hour Days?

Well, I tried really hard to sleep two nights in a row on my own.  I failed.  I was doing okay, but still not asleep by midnight, so I took A....I needed to be able to function today.  I feel like I am doing better overall, so I have my hopes for better sleep moving forward...at least I am not getting up with horrid back pain because some crazy drug made me dream that...hold on...wait...what if I dream that I am thin? Or dream that I have weight loss...that would be awesome!  Wake up a few pounds lighter each day...I would stay on that whack narcotic for a few weeks for sure!  Now why doesn't' someone invent that....

Tomorrow I have a long planning session-which means a lot of x-rays and staying in the same position for a long time.  I think it will be about an hour.  Try lying there with your hands over your head holding a handle, and having your head cranked to the right...and not move. It isn't easy. I have learned to work through itches, but it takes a lot of mental work to ignore those.... it doesn't hurt, except being in the position so long...hands start going numb and burning neck cramp...I just got rid of my sore neck like 2 days ago!  I am to take some ibuprofen on the way, dull the discomfort.  Tomorrow marks 17.  I am not burnt yet,  however I have a bumpy rash in some areas. I have to use cortisone cream and do these "soaks", compresses rather.  Directions from doctor say 3-4 times a day, for 15 minutes. Hahahahahah!  That is funny!  Like I can squeeze in an hour of compresses into my day.  Not bloody likely.  She knew that and told me to do what I can.  Okay, maybe one at this rate, if lucky.  I am supposed to work that in to my already ridiculous schedule....

Not going to let that stress me out....I will do what I can...and what I need to do right now is go read to my daughter....

No Help Last Night....

I know, I forgot again.  I don't know how something that is such a large part of me could get swept under the rug...life is busy!

Last night I decided that I was not going to take the new med again. I did two nights on it and it was weird.  It kicked in about 30 minutes after I took it. I could feel it...a total wave of body buzz.  Then my eyes clamped shut and my head went dead. I could not move my lips to formulate a word...but wanted to, it was odd. Throughout the night I had like 5 very distinct dreams.  One was finding out my grandma was alive and living in this cute place, wore overalls and hung out with people who restored vintage campers...yeah.  Some of the other dreams were weirder.  The last of the series, was all about back pain...and that was the last one of the night, and I woke up hardly being able to move my back hurt so bad.  This happened two nights in a row, the exact dreams, the exact back pain, the exact same thing...it was like that movie, Groundhog Day...which annoyed me.  Due to those experiences, I chose not to take anything at all.  I could feel myself getting exhausted both physically and mentally so I went to bed and did okay.  I didn't get up in the middle of the night, like I do on Ativan.  It was fairly restless, but I cleared my head and wasn't up all night worrying about not sleeping.  I did okay on my own.  I woke up tired, but not as bad as other days.  I am going to try again tonight.  Maybe I will be okay, maybe I have crossed over and now can go back to normal.

After radiation today I came home for my wallet (went to work without purse or book bag, duh) and then walked to my massage.  The masseuse was behind so I had to wait for a half hour, which cut into the time Brad and I were going to use for dinner out. I wanted the massage so I stayed and we had a quick bite to eat closer to home.... The kids have been playing with friends, brother and sister, for the past few Tuesdays...a great break for them.

I like this masseuse.  She is very into her craft. She knows a lot about the alternative medical approach and healing touch.  Although I am used to a more vigorous approach to massage, she is very healing and gentle...which is needed right now, but soon I will want all my kinks worked out.  She can do the same things with the cranial sacrum therapy the lady in Wheaton wanted to do...however, she is an 8 minute walk from home...and I like her a lot more.  I am going to go every other week for awhile as long as it helps.  She said I seemed a lot more solid than the first time, and I agree...She told me she was an empath and it took her a few days to get rid of all the junk I released and gave to her.... I know...it sounds hippy dippy, but you know what,  I left there feeling better and lighter, why couldn't it work in that way...I will not rule it out...nope.  The only bummer is that she took on my junk, that wouldn't be fun...it is hard being me right now.

Anyway, here I am still on the way to positive recovery as a whole person. Tomorrow will be radiation number 16/33-just about halfway done...I have things to look forward to on the horizon, and those are the things I am going to channel my energy into and enjoy.  The holidays are coming and that is always a favorite time of year for me....

Day by day, week by week...soon will be back to regularly scheduled Donnanne...fingers crossed.

Sunday Night

Sunday night and it has felt like midnight since 4:30 p.m.  I am not a fan of the early dark and the time change. Today was work around the house, bake cookies, make soup-etc...day.  Kids argued all day about raking leaves-even though they couldn't play until they finished.   It took all day.  They didn't play.

My friend Katie, who I went fishing with, stopped by with her husband this afternoon. Their son was playing hockey in Geneva so it was much closer to say hi than the drive from Wilmette. It was good to see her.  She told me it will get easier and I will not be scared everyday. I hope that time comes soon.  Then our neighbor Kate and her boys came over for soup dinner-potato leek....mmm. Nice, low key dinner. 

This week I have an appointment for another massage.  I am looking forward to that. Yoga tomorrow night-not sure what else. Can't do something each night, too exhausting.

Took the new drug last night. I think it help me fall asleep, buy not stay asleep. I went to bed around 10:30 and I woke at 1:11, went to the bathroom and back to bed. Woke again thinking it was like five minutes, at 3:11.  Then I'm not sure what happened. Awake-not awake... But when the sun came up I couldn't get out of bed. I was groggy and physically exhausted. I'll try this again because I didn't have evil dreams.  Hopefully it will work better after a few days.

Going to bed soon. I've wanted to since 2:30- it was hard staying awake all these hours....

Fri-Sat

Brad informed me that I was not a responsible blogger because I didn't blog last night after a doctor's appointment.  I guess that is true. I didn't blog for any reason except that I forgot. Oops.  Our friends Kerrie and Howard came over with chili and it slipped my mind until I was in bed.  Sorry to freak a few people out. Thanks for caring. :)

Overall all is good.  My blood work was all fine and she started me on the Tamoxifen.  She asked me how I felt and I said that I still felt all achy, tired and worn out.  She said sometimes it takes longer for people to get back to how they felt previously. When I was on the Taxol, I didn't have as many aches and pains because the weekly steroid masked those. Even though I have been off for over a month, all the good old pains can come back...at different times.  But now I need to be aware of the aches I have to watch out for anything new the Tamoxifen may cause.  The biggest issues with this drug on a regular basis would be hot flashes.  Not looking forward to those, but they are not life threatening.  The other two biggies are uterine cancer and clotting. Both are less than 2 %, but they have to tell you because it could happen.  I will work on getting a hysterectomy in the next couple of years so I don't need to worry about that too.  I took my first pill today.

I had radiation and that went as usual.  I also had Herceptin.  All my favorite nurses were there, and there was only one other patient.  I chatted and worked on a puzzle.  Unfortunately I feel too comfortable there, and that kind of sucks because it is a treatment center. I would have rather made new friends at a class, in the neighborhood or just about any other way.  There was a lady there, a bit older than me, like 50 was my guess, with her husband...getting the first treatment spiel.  I don't know what she was getting, but I could just hear the precautions of germs and all that stuff.  It really hit me in a weird way. She is there getting her first treatment...the beginning of a long haul (assuming) and I just wanted to go talk to her. She seemed to be in good spirits, but I remember how freaked out I was, how it made me cry thinking of the poison I was getting.  I don't even know what I would have said to her, but I felt like saying something. I didn't of course. This was not my business nor my place to give any form of advice or assurance.  Maybe I could have given her "how to survive the chemo experience".

Off the top of my head here is what I would have said.

1.  Get to know the nurses. They are a huge part of your treatment.
2.  Bring a friend or husband. Don't do it alone...time flies when you are with people.
3.  Listen to your body. If you are hungry for a burger, go get one.
4.  Use the anti-nausea meds, they work-lessened my upchucking
5.  Eat the Lorne Doones, nobody buys those and you only get them there or on airplanes.

I am sure there are other things, but like I said, it wasn't my business... It did seem like it was forever ago I was in that chair for the first time. I really wish I never had to be.  I am still not a convert on the, "I am glad this happened to me" front.  I am not.  I am sorry if that sounds bad. 

My next steps are to continue the new drug, for 5-10 years.  Yikes.  Herceptin every 3 weeks.  Doctor every 6 weeks.  Radiation for another 20 weekdays.  New sleep med maybe this week.  Alternative medicine/therapy intertwined. 5 days a week 30 minutes min. exercise.  I need to do that for many reasons including keeping clots at bay.

It is the middle of the day on Saturday, and I slept like crap last night so I am tired.  I did a bit of yard work and my cousin Carl was  here overnight last night and hung out with us this morning. I need to shower and go shopping. I need pants.  I cannot squeeze this booty into my jeans and I want at least one pair of comfortable pair.  I have declared that when I get my new body, I am going to start my wardrobe over. I am thinking of getting rid of it all and starting from scratch.  Could be fun.  Could be expensive too....I am worth it.....

Number 12

I'm blogging from phone without readers and I have no idea how this will turn out.  Had bloodwork and radiation today. Tomorrow I see the oncologist and get radiation and herceptin. I'm nervous to see the doctor because I don't want to ever hear bad news again. I'm scared and that's going to be forever. That sucks biut how do you not be?

I have too many aches and pings and pangs and eAch one scares me. The last two nights I've had a bit of tingling in my hand. Didn't mention it today cuz I thought it was a one time thing but happened tonight too. Not major but another feeling. I've had a sore neck for months now and I worry about that. Doesn't help tweaking my head daily on the table. Argh!  I hate the worry! I know, why worry about things you can't control? Because it's human nature. Nobody understands this. The only people who do are folks who have had their mortality put at riisk. The whiole " nobody knows" spiel is getting old. Yes, anyone of us could get hit by a bus or have a meteor land on us, however unlikely that is. But once you are a member of the sucky club, you have other more pertinent and real worries.

Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well and I don't have any other stuff going ion Oh, I think I will be starting Tamoxofin tomorrow too.  

I should watch out for those buses...

1/3 Done

Met with the radiologist today and showed her my freaky rib cage. She felt the area and said she didn't feel a "mass", holy crap. I said, "well that's good, geez". Wasn't thinking there was anything there.. She said it may be some fluid built up but nothing that she could pinpoint so well just keep an eye on it. Freaky me.

Went to meet a therapist to unload some of this "journey". I like her. I'll go back and see if I can clean more junk out. 

I'm truly doing everything I can. I always feel weird in one way or another.   

Sleep has improved since I've been trying new things... That's good. 

CranioWhat?

Today I went to see a naprapath after radiation.  I didn't really know what to expect.  I have only had one positive experience many years ago, and I guess I am looking for magic.  I am not sure what I found really, another interesting experience. I am having a lot of those lately.  She was located in a chiropractor's office, a Russian chiro as it turned out to be, so I was a little intrigued.  I was asked to fill out a pretty extensive form, which I didn't think was necessary, as all of this has to come out of pocket because I don't have any insurance for things like this.  That is the bad part.  I met the lady, and I think I mentioned earlier, she wasn't very articulate.  She also didn't look very professional, rather comfortable, but that's okay I guess.  The whole office was rather unimpressive.  Still, I had hopes. I am wiling to try just about anything at this point.  She took me to her room. It was a mess and not pleasant, but then again I wasn't there for a massage or spa treatment...had to keep an open mind.  I ran through my story as quick as possible and we decided that the sleep issue was the first thing to be worked on.  She did some weird stuff to me, all very light and not invasive.  She did some craniosacral therapy...yeah-had no idea either...still kind of don't.  The appointment was about an hour, she said she aligned my C1, what ever that is and whatever she did should make me tired and possibly help me sleep.  She said she thinks 6 sessions is what she would like to have in order to make a difference....I will see. I want to see how I feel after I try a bunch of things...before I commit to driving a half hour away and doing this kind of treatment.  I am always open and skeptical...that is how I am.  I am tired, and I got tired right after she did what she did, so maybe she is on to something...

Didn't get home until almost 7, that is too long of a day for me.  Going to work on my nightly ritual and hope that my craniosacral therapy helps.  I have been falling asleep much better in the past week, allowing the Ativan to work better.  I have felt a difference in my mind being shut down a lot more than usual, which is a great thing.  I have to try and sort which things work and which work better...so far we have yoga, massage and naprapathy.  Tomorrow is counseling...if I can dump a bunch of crap out of my head...I may be a new woman by the weekend-wishful thinking....I can dream...and dream big....Maybe I can start wearing flower necklaces and shave my head like a monk...oh, that is a BAD idea....been there and done that! No thanks! :)

Pressing Forward

I am still coming off of how proud I am of myself for this past weekend. I know it wasn't a marathon or that big of a deal, but for me it really is.  I have done so many things over these months that have pushed me to limits, and all of them have been out of my control.  This was a mental challenge more than a physical challenge-setting me back on the fighting side of things...fighting to get my mind and body under my control...I am taking it back.  I may not be able to control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it.

Speaking of my body, I have noticed that my left rib cage looks larger or swollen. I asked today at radiology and they only could say that it may look larger than the other side. It doesn't hurt at all and I have no trouble breathing.  They said to talk to the doctor on Wednesday. I have also noticed that where my ribs stick out above it, the scar line, the radiation area looks deepened. I am wondering if the skin is tightening and then making my ribs look distended.  Joy. Another deformity.  Since it doesn't hurt, I am not too concerned, except it looks pitiful.

After radiation, I grabbed Marley from Girl Scouts and dropped her off at gymnastics.  Then I went to yoga at the Living Well Center with my friend Ursula.  Ursula is volunteering time teaching yoga as part of her certification process.  She wants to work with me on restorative yoga at home as well as meditation to get me healthy in the head.  I am up for it all.

Dinner and kids in bed.  When I came home Brad was playing Monopoly with the kids, they are on a kick with that game!  Gotta love it.

Tomorrow after radiation, I am going to meet the naprapath.  I will get an initial consultation and treatment of some sort. Not sure what I am in for, but it is worth a whirl.

I am tired.  Could be coming off the weekend still, a busy evening, the yoga, the time change or a combo of all of the above.  It is good to be tired, the meds work better.   Going to hit the hot nightly shower and curl into bed and hope that the sandman cometh.

Proud

Another jump start to getting my life back...a crazy busy Saturday...the kind you have once in a blue moon, that wipes you out totally the next day, regardless of your current sleep or treatment condition.  This day has been the same for the past three years, and begins with The Race of the Dead in Chicago....

The Race of the Dead is in honor of Los Dias de Los Muertos...or Day of the Dead, the Mexican holiday that honors passed loved ones.  This was my very first 5k two years ago.  It was a lot of fun and great atmosphere, so we did it again last year.  Of course we wanted to do it again this year, but things for me had changed. I still wanted to do it because of the atmosphere, neighborhood and the cool shirt-but planned to walk.  I told my pals that I was going to walk and they could all go run their little hearts out, but I haven't done much in the past 7 months, and haven't run since this last race.

Debby, Heidi and Kristin picked me up at 6:00 a.m. Saturday morning, which is a horrible thing on a weekend.  We got to the city and it was a lively morning!  Music blaring, colors of the celebration everywhere, pozole cooking in large pots.  Kind of made me want to move. Invigorating temperatures and a buzz in the air.  But no way was I going to run.  Debby and Kristin left to run, and Heidi and I were ready to walk.  Time came and we crossed the start line and I told Heidi I wanted to try to "run" for a couple of minutes.  I was thinking like 5 minutes before I was huffing and puffing and regretting it out of shear embarrassment for myself.  So I jogged...and kept going.  We were talking the whole time and wondering where the mile marker was because I now had to reach the one mile mark. I was now determined to make it that far. Then there it was.  I was doing okay, so I told Heidi I would try to get to the 2nd mile marker...little bit of discomfort here and there, but was feeling okay...kind of  happily surprising myself.  Then there it was...Now what? Give up? Not really in my blood, so I decided I would try to finish the race and if I started feeling like I was putting myself in any danger, I would stop.  It was getting longer, and we kept picking street signs for me to reach as goals. Heidi was my personal coach and motivator the whole time. She was encouraging me to keep going and fibbing that she saw the finish line. :)  Each time we made a goal she was right there helping me pick a new one.  It was awesome having her by my side!  When we finally turned the corner and saw the finish line I couldn't believe I had done it...I did not stop running the entire race and completed it!  Yeah me!  Dane asked me what place I came in... I said First Place for my category: Out of shape, insomniac radiation patient who recently finished chemo...he said, no...The Best Mom in the World category....

After the race festivities, we headed out for breakfast and a stop at favorite store before the drive to Madison.  Yep, the day had just begun...like years before with parties and overnights...this race day always seems to be a full one.  We got to Madison around 4 and checked in to the hotel and rested for a bit.  We were all tired for sure.  We needed to get that second or third wind...to continue our night.  We did a little shopping on State Street and then went out to a fabulous tapas meal...mmmm.  I had some sangria and it was wonderful.  It was great being out and feeling pretty damn good and normal.  I liked how I felt.  Gave me hope.  Then after dinner we literally walked next door to the Orpheum Theater to see...Chris Cornell's acoustic show! Whoo-hoo!!  We walked in at 7:30 and got great seats, yes seats, the whole thing was seating only.  The main floor were all folding chairs, those folks stood in line 3 hours prior to opening...no thanks.  The show was amazing. He sounded fantastic and looked even better...mmm.  He played a long show and was a perfect ending to a great day.

We were all pretty much toast by the time the show ended.  The hotel wasn't even a block away, we had stayed within two buildings for everything...Even though my body ached and I was done, I had a hard time falling asleep...had that stupid What does the Fox say song stuck in my head!  Why, not sure...

Today we got up and did a little shopping in Madison and then headed home. The rest of this day was grocery shopping and what not. I am busted tired, but still going... I have a renewed sense of self coming on...between last week and this weekend, I am starting to see myself on the road to Donnanne.  I know this road won't be easy, none of this has, but I am not giving up on me.  I have a lot going on in the next couple of weeks to continue the upswing towards physical and mental health.  Go me! 

 

Saturday or Bust!

TGIF-I guess, although most days seem about the same to me...the TGIF in this case is that I get two days off of zapping-that's needed. I can feel a bit of tightness, either I need to stretch more or the skin is tightening. Who knows, this body is a wreck! I am trying so hard to fix it too....I will get there, that is the plan and goal.  My "let's get this Donnanne back in order plan" is fully underway.  Next week I have the naprapath and a therapist to dump some of the garbage that is getting in my way.  I think yoga is in there, along with Herceptin and Dane's parent teacher conference...oh wait, those last two are not that fun.

Tonight we went out for pizza and came home and chilled. I am getting up early tomorrow to do the Race of the Dead, a Dia de los Muertos-Day of the Dead race in Pilsen.  I have done this race twice before, ran both (if you call what I did running).  It was actually my first race.  I didn't do that bad really.  I am however, not running tomorrow. I just can't. I wish I could push myself to do it, but it is not worth it and I am not ready at all. The walk that early and in the cold will be enough for me I am sure.  I am a 43 year old woman stuck in a mangled creaky body...she needs to get out but slowly.  After the race we are headed to Madison for an overnight and concert.  Should be fun, hope I can keep up.  Scares me that I can't.  Scares me that I can't be fun anymore. I hope I am still fun and can have fun.  If that is taken away too, I will be sad, very, very sad.  I guess I will find out soon enough.

Just about to head up and finish packing my overnight bag. We are going straight from Chicago to Madison, so we have to take what we need at 6:00 a.m. and  hope it is all there. I plan on getting up around 5:56, since I have the easiest hair ever...maybe I will just sleep in my clothes....even easier.

Such a slacker I am

Happy Halloween!

Hope everyone got enough trick or treating in before the rain came down... My kids did pretty well, I think people wanted to get rid of their candy. :)

I asked the tech at radiation to say "Muhahahahhah" In an evil voice before they zapped me. She humored me. It's Halloween after all. 

October 30-really?

October 30th...I cannot believe how fast this month has flown by.... What have I done? Where does the time go? Well, I started radiation and I do what I do everyday, work, mom, etc.  Normal stuff.  Today was treatment 6 I think, is that bad that I have already lost count?  Pretty sure I started last Wednesday...that would make this 6.  Only a mere 27 to go!  Damn that is a huge number.   It is going faster, they seem to be lining me up quicker and getting down to the zapping.  Today I met with the doctor, she came to check out my skin and see how I am doing.  Skin is fine. I talked to her and the nurse about my sleep issue and she suggested yoga.  She also said that the other things I am trying are all worth a shot. I like her, she is very kind-she has a warm demeanor.  The nurse who helped me get all situated with radiation is also a really kind person.  She talked to me for awhile and let me just, well...talk.  She is very understanding and I didn't feel rushed or that I was bothering her.  I can be an open book, a sappy novel, and I want to stop that...but I need to get some of the crud out.  I feel sorry for those who get stuck listening to me...but they are so good at it.  We talked about the positives and how I am trying to take back some control of my mind and body...and that I am allowed to lose it and grieve for what I have lost...body, mind, dignity...

After last night's massage, I am really focused on cleaning my mind and taking back my body.  I am visualizing the me on the other side, and I look happy, healthy and like the old me (but with wavy hair).  I have to keep my eye on the prize.

I am sad that it is raining and that Halloween may be a bust this year. It looks like we will be cancelling our deck party.  I am not up for hosting it indoors, so we will plan something else. I hope it just sprinkles and the kids can at least go trick or treating for a bit.  Marley woke up all mad because of tomorrow's forecast. 

Tonight both kids carved pumpkins...alone.  Dane did his alone, but he is 12 so that is expected.  Marley did hers alone which was a bit of a risk.  She made a "pumkin plan" and stuck to it. She wouldn't let us in the kitchen where she was working.  When she was done she disassembled some headband that lit up, and wired up her pumpkin up to have a strobe light. Then she invited us to the kitchen, in the dark, to see her work. It was pretty cute, although we all almost had seizures with the strobe!

Dane is at play practice, and we are chilling.  I want to go to bed, but it is a bit early for that. I am not doing well with it getting dark so darn early.  Brad is bad with the seasonal changes and I can see that I am getting that way also. If it is going to be dark we need snow, the reflection makes it lighter and therefore better.  

Enough for one day.  Have a fun Halloween!

 Dane

 Marley

Alternatives

I was just texting with my friend Julie, who also recently finished treatment, and is working on the hair growing end of things...that I need to update my picture with all of my new luscious hair!  It has grown quite a bit. People say it looks like it is getting curly in the back, hmm.  If I end up with lovely waves, it will be a bonus. Right now I wear it in a faux hawk each day to school.  Why not, plus I like it and it is fun.  I can't update the picture now, I am makeup free and it is the end of a long day. Not pretty.

Had radiation with xrays today, which makes the process twice as long. They do xrays to make sure they are always in the right fields. I don't even listen anymore. I just lay there stony still and zone out.  Came home-changed and went to get a massage.  I went to a chiropractor's office for this-rather than a walk in place or a salon.  I don't want to tell my story to a different random masseuse each time I go, so I thought establishing someone near home and at less of a foofy place would be a good idea. It was.

I went a few minutes early because I knew I would have papers to fill out.  I did.  I met the masseuse and she was willing to listen to the short version of my story. (Although she said I didn't need to make it short, but I wanted it short!)  She was a very good listener and really had a way of making me comfortable. She said she believed that I needed a light, more therapeutic first massage-rather than getting in there good and beating me up. I agreed.  Usually I cannot stand when the masseuse talks to me, I am there to relax, not have a conversation.  However, she was different.  She talked to me in a way that I needed, she was very understanding and made me think of things that I thought were helpful.  She was part therapist and part masseuse.  She was what I needed right now. It was a fateful match that I picked this place and she was assigned to me.  She said her method was a little unconventional for the chiropractor's office, but I was open to her new age thinking.  I am open to just about anything that may help me get my body back on track, clear the gunk out of my head and help me sleep.  It was the nicest manipulation of my body in months. No needles, no shifting, no drawing, nothing bad.

I made an appointment for two weeks from tonight to go back.

I also made an appointment for a naprapath for next Tuesday.  She is over in Wheaton, but I would like to give her a whirl. I know it is a bit out there (most people think naturopath, or haven't heard of one at all), but I had one experience with a naprapath, and it was very successful.  I have an initial consultation with treatment focused on insomnia.  She thought that 3-4 sessions may be what I need.  Since it will be coming out of pocket, that sounds reasonable.  I also have an email in to an acupuncturist to see if he thinks he could help.  Alternative medicine here I come.

Massage, naprapathic doc and acupuncture all sound good. Let's hope they can deliver!

One of the things the masseuse asked me was, "What does the finished you look like-when you will be happy with how you look and feel? What will you be doing? What does this future look like?"  I liked the question. Made me think.  The first image that popped into my head was me, with shoulder length, wavy hair, new boobs, thinner, in a fabulous place with my family on vacation, laughing and having fun.  That is what I saw. That is what I am making my goal for next summer.  Goals are good.

Yep, Monday

Looks like I forgot to blog yesterday, oh well. I can't place any additional stress on myself.   If I forget, I forget. Sunday was a low key day, more stuff around the house, good brunch with the kids (we are a breakfast loving family instead of dinner really) and errands.  Still running around, but less fun and more productivity.

Last night I thought I would try the diphenhydramine for sleep. That is the active ingredient in Benadryl that makes you tired. I was told before that works and tried it again.  Not so much.  Little sleeps, one bad dream but that was more stress induced than anything.  In the dream I was at work and my principal, who happened to be Lenny Kravitz, with a full afro, asked me if I saw my files.  I said no.  Then a parent (who happened to be a guy I saw at Bat Fest, but don't know) asked for a conference and I said "no, I have to go see my file."  He was mad of course and we exchanged words. Then I went to find Lenny and he was in this big glass and mirrored room with thermal images of my head projected everywhere.  He had to tell me that I now had brain cancer.   Lovely dream.  What is wrong with me?  Sleep deprivation is now messing with the little sleep I get.  The dream was bad, but Lenny was still hot....

Today was work. drive. radiate...home...normal busy Monday stuff after.  I am super duper exhausted.  I am struggling with what to do tonight.  I want to just go to sleep on my own and see what happens.  It could work out great (optimism) or suck so bad I am a total zombie tomorrow (good thing were near Halloween).  I may down some cherry juice and melatonin-not sure. 

This evening a friend stopped by to chat. She is a friend through a neighbor, but have always enjoyed her company at parties and get togethers. We talked a bit at a party Saturday night and she followed through tonight with a great offer. She is working on her yoga certification and is going to come to my house to work on restorative yoga, breathing and meditation with me.  She can use me to help her learn and I can use her to help me heal.  She also gave me her acupuncturist's number and I am going to give that a whirl too.  I am hoping for some stress and pain relief.  I did schedule a massage for tomorrow night-my neck is beyond tight and a lot is built up in there.  I have to start somewhere. 

Hopefully I can get into a routine of relieving stress for my mind and body.  Get this, I tried calling to get an appointment with a therapist through my carrier and they have several, however you cannot get in to see anyone until late December or January.  I think I have found the glitch in my insurance-limited doctors.  I have dealt with this stress for the past 7 months, I guess I have to continue on my own. I don't want to pay out of pocket therapy prices. Yikes.  Maybe the yoga and other stuff will help me too.  I hope.  I find myself getting down and sad when I am so tired-so the sleep is the number one thing I need to work on.  Everything else I am doing is out of my hands.

Going to take a hot shower before bed to loosen up my muscles to relax and promote sleep.  Hoping for the best.