Good Checkup, Optimistic Timeline

Epic Fail.  That's me.  I did not get up and walk, and I am not going to be drug free for tonight's sleep.  I am so exhausted that I emailed the doctor first thing and told her I was at my wits end. I was on the verge of tears and felt like my eyes could close randomly.  The nurse called me and told me she wants to try one more sleep aid. I asked for Xanax, but she said this is better and in the same family as Xanax and Ativan.  I am willing to give it a go, I really don't have much of a choice if I would like to function.  I am amazed at how long a person can go without sleep, kind of scary.

Instead of walking, partly due to the rain, I met a friend for coffee.  I felt like I was slurring my words and incoherent I was so tired.  I also didn't like how I felt when I drove, glad I didn't have far to go.  I will have to start making weekend coffee dates once school starts, I really enjoy it.

The rest of the day I took care of a lot of little things that needed my attention.  I also had an appointment with the surgeon today.  She said everything looks great.  She felt around and made sure it was healing correctly. I told her about the tightness and she said it was all part of the process.  Your body just doesn't heal on the AC so I am playing catch up.

We talked about the timeline of my treatments and she had her nurse put a call into the plastic surgeon for an appointment in November.  When she was on the phone with the receptionist I heard her say, "No, January is unacceptable.  This is the patient Dr. missed in March, she needs to get in sooner than that."  She even told the girl to go tell the doctor personally that he will NEED to make room for me.  Go girl!  The receptionist said that she would have to move things around and call her back and let me know what they come up with. I will take whatever they give me at this point.  The November appointment would be to get the ball rolling.  My ideal plan would to have the surgery done over Christmas break. That would give me extra time at home to heal, since I have the two weeks off from work.  But that means he would have to be available, and healthy!   That would be a great boost to my situation to have that portion done before the new year...  Fingers crossed.  My nurse said she would also ask if there was any way of going direct to implants.  Ask away!  She was also telling me about the procedure where they use body fat to make new breasts, this is the 12 hour surgery...sorry no. I don't want to heal in two spots and have risk of infection and twice as much pain. I will go for the implants and be happy. 

I am finalizing all that needs to be done before our trip for our house/dog/landscaper sitter.  When we come back we will have a nicely weeded and mulched yard and a happy dog... should have scheduled a cleaning lady too....

Heidi is going to pick me up early tomorrow to get coffee and head to chemo. I am hoping that I get some well deserved sleep tonight. Watch it work and the one day I have to get up out of bed at a certain time I won't be able to...Murphy's Law... maybe not...maybe it will all work out great!!  I want to be in bed by 9:30.  I did not reach my step goal today, but I am not going to beat myself up about it. I won't meet it tomorrow either with sitting for treatment and a car ride. I will make it up on the trip.  I am not sure I will be able to blog on the trip, the house does not have wifi. If we go to a coffee shop, I will check in and update, if not...Hugs to you all and thank you for all of your support!!!

Fall is in the air....on July 30?

I reached my goals again... the getting up and walking and reaching another 8500 steps at 8:40 p.m. and not taking any sleep drugs.  I am also not sleeping any better, but at least I have the control of knowing that I won't be doing something goofy or dangerous activities while sleeping. If you didn't have sleep anxiety already, just reading the warnings and possible side effects would give it to you.

Seems like a lot of things are coming to a head.  I have a several appointments for myself or the kids, we are finally taking a trip, everyone is thinking of back to school...maybe even more because of the early "fall" weather. I can't recall the last July 30th where I was in jeans, t-shirt and a light jacket...LOVE IT!!  A lot is going on.  I need to keep a level head, prioritize and simplify.

Still coping with all the head games, and the lack of sleep doesn't help.  I have been feeling pretty down and need to snap out of it. I bet one good night's sleep would rejuvenate me for a week!  Let's hope it's tonight!  I will have to say the last two days where I have walked and made a more conscious effort to be active, I have been busted tired by 9:00 p.m.. I am hoping this catches up and zonks me out.  I know whether or not I have slept. Two tell tale signs.  The first is if I can remember any dreams, or anything that was not from the previous day, if I can, then I got some sleep.  Two: Headache.  If I get out of bed in the morning with a headache, it was a fitful night.  I try not to look at the clock anymore, it is too detrimental to keep time between peeks.... The drugs that gave me 3-4 hours didn't come with a headache, but I am sticking to my guns and going to beat this on my own.  I am the little engine that could.... I think I can sleep, I think I can sleep.... Same old story, getting sick of this insomnia crap.

I am trying really, really hard to stay optimistic about everything, sleep, doc visits, hair, my mental well being, work, family, everything.....I have to leave it all downstairs and not take it to bed with me....

Tomorrow I see the surgeon.  I have a second round of healing going on I guess because everything is tight again.  I also feel my port more and I hate that so much!!!  I am sure it isn't worn out, but it is getting a lot of use.  I have been in chemo for 16 weeks!  My port has been accessed 16 times for either blood or drugs. Oh and the gross transfusion....Ew.  Yikes. 8 more to go.... chugga, chugga....

Goals

I made my declaration for change and have already stuck to my goals.  The first thing I did when I got out of bed this morning was go for a walk. Marley was my partner, we didn't go far, about a mile, but it was a start.  I just needed a boost to get this whole new reality in check.  Afterwards, I got my Fitbit in working order and restarted. Now I have my little friend who is keeping track of my steps, flights, calories, etc.  The optimum daily goal for everyone one of us is 10,000 steps per day.  That is to be healthy and maintain your weight.  Even when working full time it was hard to achieve that unless I went for a walk or run.  Bringing it to the forefront of my conscious, I can happily report that at 8:00 p.m. I have earned 8,500 steps.  That isn't so bad!  I am trying to set a realistic precedent for myself.  I am sure I will hit at least 9,000 or more by the time I go to bed, I still have a few hours to go.

The sleep thing is the other issue I am working on changing. I am not going to take any prescription drug for sleeping. I have tried the best of them all and they don't do the trick, so I see no point in putting extra pharmaceuticals in my body.  Done.  I am hoping that staying more active all day will tire me out, versus hanging out and not getting as physical.  I also tried the legs up the wall yoga pose to prepare myself for sleep last night.  If you google the health benefits of that position, there are many factors that increase relaxation and enhance sleep.  I don't think it did much last night, but I will continue to give it a try because it was relaxing while doing it.  I know I am going to struggle sans drugs, but those 3-4 hours aren't quality sleep anyway and I don't want a dependency.

I am tackling the physical, and the insomnia portions of my being with a plan.  I also need to work on my mental well being.  I think it is extremely hard for Brad to understand what I try to explain to him. It's probably pretty hard for anyone to truly understand unless you have experienced this kind of change and trauma to your psyche personally.  The thing is this, I am Donnanne trapped in state of being that doesn't allow me to be me.  The concept is difficult to explain and harder to understand.  The changes that I had no control over, have created changes that piggy backed...that I feel I have no control over.  My self esteem, socializing abilities and outgoingness have all been stolen.  Brad thinks I should just get out there and start whooping it up like old times.  It just isn't that easy...in fact it is really, really hard.  I can't explain it in a few sentences....It is like I said early on, if I could just be cryogenically frozen through all this I would have been.

There is a lot going on in this head...I am sure that is impacting my sleep.  At least I can say that I am reaching goals and getting my act in gear.  I have a well needed family vacation I am looking forward to.  I think when school starts the routine will be good for the whole lot of us, it will bring more challenges than I can even list...but I am sure they will be easier than the last 5 months of my life.  Let's hope.

Slow Sunday

That stupid ambien cr doesn't work. I am just about done with sleep pharmaceuticals. I was so wiped out today from lack of sleep. I am going to try a whole new approach that has nothing to do with stupid drugs, even though I tried that already, I am going back to that.

I did some chores around the house, Dane's laundry from camp, made some applesauce and not a lot much more today. Dane is still tired from camp and has a cold. Marley and Brad worked in the yard and we all watched Harry Potter 5.

Short blog.  Too tired to write much, eyes are closing which is good... I am doing it on my own tonight out of sheer exhaustion...I hope..

Good Saturday

Last night I tried Ambien CR, this was the drug the doc said would get me some sleep, she said it would do the trick.   This is the drug that has listed side effects including: may sleep walk, drive car, have sex, cook food while sleeping, and or odd behavior such as aggression or hallucinations...  I have been avoiding this drug for all those reasons for so long, but Brad convinced me to try it last night.  I took it at 10:30 p.m. because it also said to take when you get in bed.  I made him hide my keys and lock our door...because I was sure I was going to zonk out and then get up and make pancakes in the middle of the night.... when 12:30 a.m. hit I was annoyed....when 2:30 a.m. crept up, I was pissed.  I was still awake, wide awake... I am sure that a scientific study needs to be done on sleep aids and redheads because none of this crap seems to work on me!  I must have fallen asleep for a few hours, but the next time I checked the time was 6:00 a.m.. Still not enough.  I don't know what to do.  Adapt I guess.  I may try it again tonight, but I also may fall back on an Ativan because it at least relaxes me while the Ambien had my head on overload.  Argh.

Anyway, I wasn't overtired which was good.  I ran to a few sales like I enjoy doing on Saturday mornings, but I missed my treasure hunting pal Dane.  Grabbed coffee and came home for breakfast.  We headed out just about noon for Davenport.  We got there a little after 2, and the town was alive.  There were people, lots of them compared to last Saturday. I guess today was there big running race in the city and there was a street fair on their main drag.  We went early to go to the Figge Art Museum.  The museum was really great for a small town. Since it was their "big" day in Davenport, the museum was only 2 bucks per person, what a deal!  It wasn't huge but had some decent pieces of art.  Marley wanted to see some famous artists and she got to see: Warhol, Picasso, Lichtenstien, Wood, Chagal, Miro and works by Wright.  There was also a vibrant Haitian art collection and some wicked oils that looked just like paintings.  Impressive.

Then we went to collect the boy.  The buses were on time and the colorful array of campers spilled out.  Dane was exhausted.  He was so quiet that I thought there was something wrong.  He was just that beat.  We talked to the counselors and they had great things to say about Dane.  He was fun, level headed and nice to everyone.  Makes me proud-he even told me that he gave a speech to the entire camp, 76 people.  Wow.  We were leaving and everyone knew his name and gave hugs and said they hope he comes back next year.

We went for pizza and calzones in Rock Island before hitting the road again.  Dane talked to us for a few minutes in the car before climbing in the back row and falling asleep.  Upon arrival we sent him to the shower and back again to rewash his stinking feet!  He loved camp and wants to return.  Marley wants to go too.  He feels good about the kids he was with and told them how their strength makes him carry on and help his mom through the tough times. In another speech he gave, he told everyone how I am self conscious about my looks right now, no matter how many times he tells me that I am beautiful...

I am glad the boy is home....

1/3 Done! Oh So Fun!

This little piggy went to the market...
This little piggy ate everything the other piggy bought at the market...
and gained 3lbs in the last three weeks....
and went waa, waa, waa, all the way home....

3 pounds in three weeks of Taxol!  I finished number 4 today and have 8 more lbs, I mean treatments, to go... ouch!  This is a wake up call. Ha ha! Wake up call, like I sleep....

We discussed how I am fighting fatigue from chemo as well as insomnia.  I have a double whammy of sleep issues going on. So yes, I am not exercising, but it really isn't my fault. I am not trying to be lazy, I just don't have a choice. I still eat well, but I also say yes more to treats like gelato and biscotti. I don't feel that I should not savor the good things in life.  But the lack of exercise is not helpful.  So now I have to fight the fatigue harder. I have to do something more active each day even if it is painful.  I am going to reset my Fitbit and hold myself accountable for increasing my steps each day and my activity rate.  Trust me this is frustrating.  I have to work harder at everything to get back to looking like me and I guess this is one of the only things I have a little control over.  Come school I will have very little free time to do anything, especially once radiation starts so I need to nip this in the bud now.

Overall she checked me out and my lungs are clear and my throat had no sign of infection so my cold was just that, a cold.  Never got worse. Thank Goodness.  My counts are all in the safe and normal zone. Even up a tenth or so here and there and that makes me happy.  We are still on track. I have more Ativan and am going to try Ambien CR a longer release drug.  Ambien makes me nervous, but I will give it a try.

After meeting with the doctor, Brad and Debby tagged out and she sat with me.  It was a long one, I had Herceptin today and thought it was only a half hour, and it was an hour. All the next ones will be 30 minutes.  Kristin had given me some hobo teeth, and when the nurse asked if I needed anything, I replied, "yes a toothbrush".  She laughed aloud, loudly. He he.

We were both hungry afterwards so we went for yummy sopes at my favorite Mexican place and filled up. I figured this one out too...eat a good meal after chemo, even if tired and I won't go home and snack on random stuff that never fills me up and makes me feel like a ravenous pig.  I am still full and I ate 5 hours ago.  I may have a yogurt before bed but that's about it.

I am super tired and rested on the couch for a couple of hours. Brad took Marley to dinner and came home with flowers, chocolate and some cookies that Marley told Brad I wanted.  I didn't even mention cookies, I don't even like those kind!  She scammed him totally. Ha! 

I have a mini second wind- going to read.  I picked up the last two books in a series that I had started.  I refuse to read anything sad-real or fiction.  I don't want to add any drama to my life. I am reading the Autumn series, nothing heavy...zombie apocalypse, that's all.  No dead dogs, no heartbreak, or disease...( actually a lot of that, but everyone is just about dead) just total annihilation of the human race... much better... equal playing ground...except for the few survivors...dun,dun, dun........

Later.

Downer of a Day

Well, this is the second time I am writing this post because of some glitch, it all disappeared when I was almost done. In my first post I was explaining how today was one of those days when you could cry on a dime...I am not crying now, but I could be...give me a minute.  Today was that kind of day.  I had a very sad and lonely feeling all day.  I wasn't alone more than two hours while Marley was at a party, so it wasn't the physical loneliness I was feeling.  Nothing bad happened so I had no real reason to be sad. I just was.  I can't explain it, but even people who aren't going through this get these kind of days, they just stink.  I have weird aches in my chest and neck an believe my port is some form of scientific devise that is moving and becoming attached to my body like a parasite. I swear I feel movement and it is really creepy and then I get the heeby geebies from my own neck.  I am sure it has to be the cold and the drugs, but I am not having fun. I guess nobody said it was going to be fun. Guess what, it's not.

Besides taking Mars to her party, I did nothing. I am afraid I am getting good at doing nothing or I have crossed the line and that is who I have become a big, lazy goon.  I am getting soft in the middle from no exercise and soft in the brain because I don't think...Duh.  I wonder if I drool.  Most likely.  When this cold is over I am pledging to myself to get my ass in gear, physically and mentally. I have to, regardless of how tired or crappy I feel, because this isn't doing me much good.  We did walk to the library tonight, so I am not a total loser.  Walk and books...promising....

Tomorrow is chemo and of course, like always, I don't want to go. I am sure the doc will say I am fine enough, because my cold hasn't become any worse. I think it is getting a bit better. Tomorrow is Herceptin, so it is an extra 30 minutes, whoo hoo.  Brad is going with me for the doctor appointment and then Debby will tag team him out to sit with me.  Since I know I will eat anything that comes my way after chemo, we are planning to go get some Mexican food.  I will hit the afternoon wall and maybe take a rest and catch a second wind for the evening, even though we don't have plans to do anything. 

The new plan is for all of us to get Dane on Saturday.  I want to leave at noon, go back to the lovely town of Davenport to go to the Figge Art Museum and then retrieve Dane and take him for a good dinner.  Then home.  That seems to be the best way to do it. I am afraid to drive the 5 hour round trip alone the day after chemo due to fatigue. Plus we want to see the Figge.  I am really looking forward to our trip to Door County.  If this family doesn't get a change of scenery soon we are all going to lose it....more than I already have.

At Home with Pictures

I spent another day at home doing nothing.  I have to get better and pushing it is not the answer.  Marley had a friend over and was entertained which left me to rest and not have to feel guilty for not playing or running around. I did spend some time working on my photo books on the computer.  One of the books that I finished today was this blog.  I put the entire blog, up to last night's entry, into a book.  I added extra photos, things I had on my phone to accompany some of the events that were good over the past 5 months.  The only bad thing about the blog to book, is that it skips the comments.  As much as I would love to include those, I had to make a decision to continue on this platform and actually finish the book in one sitting.  The book is about 150 pages and I am glad that I will have a hard copy for future generations to look back at Great Grandma Donnanne's sucky year.

Each time I work with my photos I get so sad.  I look so lively and happy (often goofy making faces) in them.  I have a normal body and lots of crazy red hair.  When I look at them I see me.  When I look in the mirror in real time, it is so not me...it is really disturbing and makes me sad.  These superficial things are dumb, and I know it, but it is just like a daily annoyance on top of all the real heavy duty stuff.  Just being with my wonderful kids is the most important thing, not what I look like.  I don't feel good so it makes things worse. I am not used to being the one to shy away from people and be a wall flower. I love to be the loud, fun one who is just kooky. I miss her and her energy...Come back soon! 

Other than that I did nothing.  Seriously bored, but lack energy.  I think I am getting a little better.  I have a lot of weird feelings around my neck, chest, port area... it most likely is due to my cold or due to the fact I am crazy.  Not sure.

I actually made dinner tonight.  I made stuffed shells and apple crisp.  Then Marley and I went old school and played: Candyland, Chutes and Ladders, Perfection and Sorry.  We also worked on some art.  Getting ready for bed.  I miss Dane but have seen just a few pictures of him on the camp page, it looks like they keep the kids super busy. So far there has been: archery (yeah!), swimming, canoeing, crafts, they had an exotic zoo come in, ziplining, tie dying, they had a scientist come in, Hawaiian party, etc... Looks like way more fun than he would be having here!  I will be happy to see him even though I know he will be sad that camp is over. He has two and a half days left!

Nothing on the books for tomorrow...keeping it that way until this cold is gone... Friday is chemo and can't miss that.... stay on schedule.... no other option!

Stinking Sick :(

I hate being sick. Normally I rarely even get a cold! But of course I have to have one now...in the summer!  What the heck??  I have always been healthy and spending the last 17 years surrounded by kids and numerous germs, I have built up quite an immunity....so when I do get sick, it really bothers me.  I had to waste another day. I am irritated that I was not productive, did nothing and was sick.  I have had too many of these days in the past 5 months. I have never been so lazy in my life.  Brad gets mad when I say lazy, because in reality it isn't me being lazy, but me healing and tolerating treatments. But in my eyes... it is lazy. My tolerance for boredom and doing nothing is coming to an end.... I am getting desperate to be back to myself!!! 5 months gets you soft in the middle and I know my brain has also turned to mush. I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be at the point where were picking my boob size and making hair cut appointments.  In addition to my bad attitude about being a bum,  my self esteem has been ripped out of me, crumpled into a ball and kicked across the street... aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!  Who has a time machine I could borrow???? Ahhh!

I get it. I don't feel well so all seems extra sucky right now, I understand that.  It doesn't make it easier, but I understand it.  I emailed the doctor and she said because I do not have a fever or chills, and no real productive phlegm, I am not getting any meds.  That's good, because I don't want to take them anyway.  I need to just let it run its course. Sure, my head is clogged and my chest hurts because I cough nothing up and it is painful...just deal. If it gets worse, I need to call.  I had an entire can of chicken noodle soup for dinner, hoping for it's legendary healing powers to work.  I spent the afternoon on the couch listening to one neighbor sand, one neighbor yell across the street, one neighbor leaf blow... so peaceful.  At least I listened to my body. I did nothing but rest. Nothing. Not one dish. Not one load of laundry. I didn't even have to take care of Marley because she spent the day at her friends house...perfect day to waste...if there is such a thing...

My plan is to go to bed early.  Take a decongestant and an Ativan and hit the hay.  I am nixing any "plans" I had in my head for this week and will only focus on getting better. I do not want my treatment to pushed off at all. Worse, I need to be healthy so our family can get out of here and go on our little vacation to Door County.  If I ruin another trip for us, there will be a revolt...from me!!!!

Sick and Crabby

I don't have much to report except that I am sick.  I have this terrible head cold and it is making me miserable physically and mentally.  We had a pretty quiet day at home until Brad came back from work and we took Marley to the quarry for about 45 minutes. It was fun to watch her and her daddy play in the water. Sucks for me just sitting there doing nothing.  I kind of have a bad attitude this evening because I don't feel well. When I don't feel well, all my mental stamina is down the drain too.  Pity party, everything hurts, I hate this, I hate that.... Hoping it will be gone really soon.  I took an over the counter nasal decongestant, but need to watch if I get a fever.  I need to just get over this cold and move on. No delays for chemo, no delays for our vacation... I need a bit of my life back.... Waaahh.. poor me... blah... all this has a crappy undertone...but that's how I feel.  I am being a baby, but getting sick makes me nervous.  I need to be able to fight it, and not let it get worse.  Worse means more problems. Please no problems. Just let me wake up feeling a lot better....

Hoping for improvement tomorrow. 

Off to Camp...

After we left the hotel this morning we drove around the barren land of Davenport looking for coffee. We found a small, old blacksmith shop in an historic district to grab some jo.  Even that was disappointing.  I am sad to report that Davenport is not my favorite vacation spot.  Oh well.  We headed over to Rock Island/Moline to find Augustana College.  We had a little time to kill so we found a park that happened to have some disc golf so Dane and Brad practiced a few holes. 

We found the college, lovely campus surrounded by not much, and found the spot to meet.  There were a ton of counselors and kids.  This camp has the 3:1 camper/counselor ratio.  We checked him in, and found his counselor, Spike.  Spike and Dane hit it off right away by talking about baseball and other things they had in common.  This was Spike's first year as a counselor.  I did some research and found that this is only the second year that a Camp Kesem has been held with Augustana, and that last year they earned 100% accreditation from the national organization.  This was the only time a new chapter has ever received this, they are a tightly run group of student leaders.  They were high energy, friendly and eager to get to know the kids.

While we were waiting, they had counselors starting games, the boys were throwing around the football, and kids were getting to know each other.  I saw a few people there with tell tale signs of why their kid is able to go to this camp, but otherwise it looked like a random group of people. There was one lady there that was a few years older than me with short, short grey hair and apparent non reconstruction.  She kept smiling at me and probably thought to herself, I was you...not long ago...hang in there.  I am. I will.  I knew I was going to get a little sad when Dane left. Brad made some sort of crying comment and that was the start. I didn't bawl, but when I hugged him my eyes got all weepy and I didn't want to let my little boy go. Why? No clue. He already went to camp once this year and I didn't cry.  I think it is because he is going to be so far away from me.  6 hours!!!  He boarded the big charter bus and off they went.  I know he will have a good time and the program looks amazing. Once I get the final review from Dane I will let you know!  Maybe this is the kind of organization kids can have bake sales for and donate to in the future-a way to give back. :)

I have a nasty head cold and didn't sleep so it was a long ride home. We were also very hungry.  Like any genius, when you have three hungry people in the car, you stop at Woodmans for some groceries.  Duh.  It was okay, not too many impulse purchases, I left those up to Marley, but shopping at that store is a big ordeal. I wanted to cry.

The rest of the evening was quiet. Had to pick up the 4H projects, had dinner, looked at Jason's pictures from Hawaii (jealous) and now bed...a bit early and with an Ativan. I don't think I can beat this cold and function much longer without real sleep.  Total pain.  This Taxol has it's own odd side effects: insomnia, constipation (bad for other issue which still exists), and ravenous hunger on day of treatment (thank goodness it's only one afternoon, holy heifer!).  Either way it seems to be easier even with those side effects.  I am also happy to report against what they say, my hair is growing. Now will it stay? I don't know...but my answer is yes, yes it will. I have a lot of fuzzy hair, you just can't see it so it is useless at this point except it gives me hair hope....That is what I go on...hope....

Davenport

Last night was one of the worst attempts at sleeping yet. I think the Taxol is my evil sleep nemesis.  When it hit 1:30 and I was still wide awake I went downstairs to see what Brad was doing up so late. He was watching some movie and was still not ready for bed.  I told him now or another room.  He chose another room. So Marley stayed with me and Brad slept in the pretty pink bed.  When it hit 2:30 I was done... I grabbed an Ativan and hoped for the best.  I hate taking anything that late but I was desperate knowing I had a full day ahead.  I think it gave me 2-3 hours.  Not enough.

Got up and made Dane and his friend pancakes that looked like them... and dropped them off for some disc golf while I had coffee with Kristin.  Then came home, woke Brad up, made Marley get dressed (see what happens when Mom leaves) and started double checking all that was needed to hit the road to Davenport.

We left around 1:45 and got here about 2 hours later.  No offense to anyone who has ties with Davenport, but this is one sleepy ghost town.  There's nothing here but the river.  There's a casino, but not our style.  We found a brew pub ate and then wandered around looking for anything. Nothing. Everything was closed.  The best part was driving around looking at the amazing old houses that were once beauties in their heyday. Now many are run down and dilapidated.  Very sad.  We found this one mansion on a hill for sale, I went up to it and looked in the windows and fell in love, it is a 6200 sq ft. Colonial Revival... only 349K, but needs work.  The fireplaces, moulding and grand staircase were amazing.  Now if I could just transport this house out of Davenport I would make it mine.

We came back to our hotel and let the kids swim in the loud and rowdy pool for an hour.  Now we are all chilling in the room. Nothing exciting here.  I have a stupid cold, I am ridiculously tired and I am ready for bed.

Tomorrow we take Dane to Augustana to head off to camp.  I know I am going to cry this time. He is going farther than he has ever gone and I will miss him.  Being tired won't help, I may be a wreck.   I know he will have fun and the Camp Kesem people have been really great so far....until tomorrow....

1/4 Done with T...That Sounds Promising Right?

1/4 of Taxol done!  Whoo-hoo!  T3 went smoothly. All my blood work is normal and good!  Renee came, with coffee, and we headed to chemo...I had two of my favorite nurses today. I have to say taking friends with makes the time fly.  Hanging out with a friend and laughing... a lot...and loudly... makes getting pumped with junk much less of a punishment.  I almost felt bad for all the other people just sitting there quietly, sleeping, doing nothing, and here we are being loud and enjoying the moment (minus the reason we were there). Almost.  Next week I see the doctor and get the Herceptin.  I asked Brad if he wanted to just come to the see the doctor part and then trade him out for a friend...he he... There is a difference in taking your husband and taking a friend.

Renee dropped me off and in less than an hour I could feel the intense fatigue kick in.  It did this last Friday also.  I just chilled around the house because it was too hot to even sit outside. It wasn't like I could sleep, it was like my whole being was heavy and tired....  The other thing that I remember now, and it happened again, is that I got really hungry.  Getting hungry and being tired are two things that don't go well together for your waistline.  While resting Brad ran some errands with Marley and went and bought her a Rainbow Loom,  you know the hottest craze?!  We usually don't buy the hottest toy...ever, unless it is birthday or Christmas.  She wrote us a letter and asked if we could get her one for her birthday...in December.  She never asked for one and was willing to wait over 5 months, so we decided to get one.  I had to call in a tutor...thank goodness we have a crafty 7th grader down the road who Marley adores.  Alexa helped her get set up and showed her how to do it...thank goodness we dodged the tears...they would have been mine...

I got the second wind for a few hours, also just like last week.  I took the kids and Dane's buddy Jacob to the Frolf course (Frisbee golf slang, but it sounds like something you do when your sick, so we had fun with that of course) for a few rounds.  They all did well. We had to leave because it was getting dark and starting to lightning.  It was good to play a few.  They are going to have me drop them off in the morning to play while I meet Kristin for coffee.  Then we have to pack and go to Davenport. We are staying the night before camp drop off, so we don't have to drive both ways and have a little overnight.  This is Camp Kesem, the camp where all the kids have had to deal with a parent who has/had cancer. 

My tightness and healing pains are a little better today, but I think it is exactly that, another round of healing.  I still have a cold.  It makes me talk a little funny and my nose is all runny...but it is just a cold.  No fever, no chills... I give it a day or two more.

Heading to bed.  Need to get the little one off the Rainbow Loom...she is making them for the boys...one dark colors for Dane and one the Blackhawk colors for Jacob....

I Feel Yucky

I feel crappy.  I am still fighting a sore throat and post nasal drip, which is just annoying.  I am also having a lot of tightness across my scar area.  Brad believes that the surgeon told us once that the healing often stops while on the strong chemo. He even remembers her being happy that I was getting all the tightness while on chemo. ( Sounds familiar)  So in his expert opinion, I am back to healing.  It is like starting over!  My arm mobility is lame!  It hurts to scratch my other shoulder and I was totally fine a week ago.  I hate this game, the unknown game of chemo. I was doing so well and had such a great attitude, and now I am sore and gimpy...with a cold.  Blah, blah, blah....

Pushing through, because that is what I do...had coffee with JoEllen, took Marley to the movies, and checked Dane's 4H standings at the fair.  Okay, let's get this straight. We walked in the fair, did the 4H building, grabbed a funnel cake and left.  Did nothing else, ridiculously hot and didn't want to be there.  Anyway, the reigning champion of the outdoor breakfast cookies was defeated...Boo!!!...He got grand champion reserve, which is second place...however... he was chosen as a state delegate alternate... even the grand champion wasn't.  It is a great honor to be chosen for that- I am proud! Too bad he can't go if needed. Not only is the State Fair on the day his braces are scheduled to be put on, I will be on the fishing retreat.  I would reschedule the braces, but I can't reschedule the retreat.  That's okay, he may not even be called up.  We were also surprised that one of his art projects was chosen as grand champion reserve too!  Totally cool.  So 6 blue ribbons, two grand champion reserve and one state delegate alternate. Not bad, not bad.  He was a little bummed about the cookies, but he will return next year....Last years payout for blue ribbons was 10 bucks each... not bad summer cash for him...

Tomorrow is T3 and I don't want to go.  I will never want to go, it is as simple as that.  I will go, I have to go, but nobody can make me want to.  My friend Renee is going to chemo sit with me tomorrow.  No Herceptin so it should be fairly fast, under 2 hours I believe.  Kristin got me some Combos for when I get the Benadryl munchies... I have to remember to bring those...

Going to bed early, like asap... need to fight cold... rest body and practice my mantra.... Calm mind, calm body.... I need to get back on track and feel good...

Oh Man...

Last night after I was done blogging I went upstairs to get ready for bed. I went in my bedroom removed my scarf and hat and washed up.  Then I was needed in the hall by Marley about sleeping arrangements.  I walked out in the hall and started discussing it with Marley, Jenny and her two daughters. I reached up to scratch my head and realized that I was without head covering. I freaked. I just started crying. I wanted nobody to see me like this except my little family. Nobody eluded to me not being covered up, I had no idea.  I asked Marley why she didn't tell me and she said she didn't notice...I understand that because she is used to me.  Jenny and the girls are another story. I just needed to keep that to myself, it was really hard for me and I wish it didn't happen, but it did.  I was off my game I guess, not used to company at bedtime...tired from the sun, hot... whatever the excuse, it happened.  I know, deal with it....I am.

Today was so blazing miserable that we kind of lounged around the house all day. Jenny left around noon and then we watched some Cake Boss which inspired me to bake. Yes bake on this 95 degree day! I looked at some recipes on Pinterest and found a chocolate chip cookie pie that looked easy and tasty. I made it.  It is really rich and very tasty. Something to do.  Dane and I wanted to get out of the house for a bit because we were stir crazy,  plus we got our Frisbees for disc golf in the mail today.  We headed to a disc golf course to try a few holes. This course is full of trees so I thought we could handle an hour. Nope. We did about 4 holes and a few minutes of putting practice before my hands started getting puffy.  Too hot. We bailed. Fun while it lasted. About an half an hour.  We need it to cool down.  Or snow.

Tonight we retreated to the basement for Harry Potter 4.  Nice way to stay cool.  I am not feeling on top of my game this evening. For the past few days I have had a weird pain near my left side but almost around to my back. If feels like a pulled muscle, and I think it happened while sleeping.  My chest feels tighter, scar area not like I am having a heart attack.  I am also feeling a bit of a sore throat. So of course I feel like all hell is breaking lose and something bad is happening.  Most likely I have a pulled a muscle, maybe another layer of scar tissue and healing is going on to make me feel tightness and maybe I am getting a cold. OR... Maybe I am not getting sick and the in and out of heat and air conditioning is just irritating my throat.  That is the rational side of me that I am going to try to listen to.  I will give my pain a few more day and do some more stretching and see if I can make it go away.  I need to go to see the surgeon for a check up soon so I will address it with her if it isn't gone.  I have that bit of paranoia that something bad will happen, especially when I think things are going so good, I feel good and am happy.  Let's just go with the rational version...

Too Hot for Me

I have officially become a wuss this summer.  There I said it, I admit it... I am a wuss.  I cannot deal with the heat at all.  I used to enjoy the sun, the water and the summer heat...but not now. Not at all. In fact I wouldn't mind it if it snowed a few days...or rained... or dropped to 50 degrees...Nope, wouldn't care it all.

My cousin Jenny and here daughters are here so we spent the afternoon at the quarry beach right in town. The kids had a blast, but the place was packed. Rightfully so.  It was somewhat taxing trying to keep an eye on the two little ones all afternoon...and it was hot.  We got there right when it opened so we grabbed chairs and kept under a large tree that shaded us for the afternoon. Thank goodness.  I would not have been able to stay there if we didn't have shade, then I would have felt bad for "ruining" my kid's summer.  I ran into a mom I know from my kid's school and baseball. She came by to say hi and said, "Hi, wow, you look really different." Hmm.  Yikes.  How to respond without making her feel bad, or going into a whole story.  I just said, "Well, I am in chemotherapy right now and I look different because I don't have any hair."  I am sure that sent a little nerve up her spine, but she was very composed and asked just a few things, and had to excuse herself. She came back, and we talked briefly and she said she would pray for us and I thanked her.  The nicest part of that encounter was after she said that we talked a few minutes about baseball and regular life. I don't want this to define me and I guess it doesn't. If she knew, or I looked that bad, she would have never said that I looked different.  I guess that is a good testament to my ability to disguise myself....

After the quarry we cooled off had dinner then walked to the gelateria.  It is still stinking hot and by the time I got home I could barely get my rings off my fingers were so swollen.  I'm pretty sure it is just the heat, but I always need to be concerned about any swelling.  Cooling off now, tired.  Houseful of kiddos who need to go to bed soon...I will be right behind them.  Not looking forward to another miserably hot day...a small flurry would be nice...

Quick Post

Today was Fair Day... the kids had to present their projects to judges and interview about their work. Marley is still a Cloverbud, and she was not able to compete for prize ribbons, but she did her interview and did well. Dane presented 6 projects and earned blue ribbon in each category!  He won't know if he won Grand Champion for his breakfast cookies until Wednesday. He won that the last two years so he is really hoping he is the reigning champion.  Me too! Either way I am proud of both of them.

The rest of the day was planning for the fair and cleaning the house for our guests. My cousin Jenny and her daughters are here for a couple of days and were just hanging out.  I am ready to take my hat off, my head is hot and itchy, but still can't do that even in front of extended family.  Oh well! 

I can't tell if I was any more tired or getting better as the day went on, it was too hot and muggy to tell. 

All for now...

150

I know, I know, you are thinking it is awfully arrogant of me to be posting my IQ....but actually, this is my 150th blog entry instead.  Yeah, I know.  When I started this blog it was for me to keep family and friends informed of what was going on so I didn't have to explain myself over and over. The blog continues to serve that purpose, however it has become such a nightly ritual for me, that it will serve as my "scrapbook" of this phase of my life.  Many of you know I love to take pictures and make albums, but I would have never expected that I would have such a detailed and consistent memory of such a difficult time in my life... I am hoping that I can look back on this in 30 years with a glass of wine and smile...and thank myself for doing it.

The best thing about the blog itself is that it is serving the purpose I intended.  I wanted to be able to see my friends and family and not discuss all the crap and whatnot that I an going through. When I see people who read this blog, we don't spend time going over the typical, "how are you doing" routine. They already know.  We can move on to other things like socializing and laughing.  It really has eliminated a lot of repeating and explaining.  For that reason, I am selective in my social settings. I don't like explaining my "story" to fringe people.  The people who care are you... the one's reading this right now... Hi! :)  Anyway, 150 entries seems a lot.  It is a lot.  I am on my fourth month of this speed bump, but it seems a lot longer.... I hope to continue this journal until I am done with my last Herceptin next July... I am doing this for me, so don't worry, you don't have to read it for another year....

I was really tired again today.  We are watching my fatigue closely.  We are hoping that it is only the weekends, so when school starts by Mondays I should be okay again.  We will see tomorrow.  Now is the time to gauge what needs to be done to build my stamina and take care of myself at the same time.  I would rather have the fatigue on the weekends than the nausea.  Still working on relaxation and meditation for sleep and relieving stress.  These will be important skills for me over the next several months.  Especially when it comes time to go back to work...My brain works stronger and faster than my body right now, I need to find the balance. Just like the eyes are too big for the stomach...

Weekend has come to an end.  Nothing major got done and I guess that is okay.  We had dinner with David and kids tonight, another wonderful meal with great company...although we missed Heidi!  Tomorrow the kids are presenting their work at the Kane County Fair for 4H.  Dane has to bake his Grand Champion breakfast cookies in the morning for the judges.  It is going to be a busy day for all of us.... I hope I can keep up...oh wait... I am the driving force of course!  Yikes...

Need for Sleep

Well, I didn't even take any anti-nausea meds this round at all.  I am good on that front, which makes me a very happy person.  The one thing I am noticing a little more is how tired I am.  I am hoping that my tiredness is just from my lack of quality sleep rather than fatigue from chemo. More importantly, I hope it doesn't become cumulative and I get more tired each week. Then I may be in trouble.  I was dragging today.  Since I have been a lousy sleeper for a long time now, I know how to function on little sleep, but fatigue is a bit different.  It is a deeper kind of tired that shuts you down, mentally and physically.

Today I didn't really do a lot. Ran to some garage sales with Dane, did a few chores and kind of flubbed the day away.  Tonight we had dinner at Kristin's and hung out, but by 10:00 I was starting to fade.  I am just about ready to hit the hay and bank on being tired enough to zonk out. 

Round 2-Done!

 It was an early appointment, 8:45 a.m.  Kristin picked me up, made a stop for coffee and headed in.  I had a new nurse, she was okay.  I like a few of the other ladies a lot more, probably because they know me a little.  One says "Hello your highness" all the time... it is good to be queen.  I got my blood drawn and then the infusion began.  We told the nurse that Kristin was a hobby nurse, she asked what on earth that was...We had a laugh and of course she was not allowed to plug me in, change my drugs or any of the stuff she wanted to.  I think she needs to become a real nurse, she would have way too much fun.  Chemo went off without a hitch.  Benadryl made me hungry and dopey, and that was about it. No infusion reaction again, so it looks like they may be right.  I like it when they are correct, about the good things. 

It is now almost 11 pm. and I feel good.  During the afternoon I hit a wall and became really super tired.  I tried to lay down, but that didn't work, so I just rested for 20 minutes, washed my face, brushed my teeth and moved on.  I did not lose my appetite, nor have any stomach issues so far. I do think the Taxol binds me up, which is a problem, but the coffee, laxative and softener should do the trick.. Mmm. breakfast.

Our pals Kerrie and Howard brought over a full bbq dinner for us tonight and we sat outside and enjoyed the weather and good company.  Laughter is good for the soul.  Here is the kicker of the day. Today is our 16th wedding anniversary.  Kind of didn't really celebrate it.  I didn't want him there at chemo, I don't want that as a memory of our anniversary.  We didn't get each other gifts, so that evens itself out. Believe it or not, I am okay with it.  Really. Just not a big deal right now, and were good and that is the most important thing. In fact I am so okay, and such an awesome wife, that he just asked if he can walk to the bar and meet a couple buddies there... I said Happy Anniversary and yes, go.... I am going to bed anyway...

Here is to another successful round of chemo and my positive attitude towards it for the next 10 weeks.

***Bummer of the day... Doc told me last time that I could have a beer or wine once in a while if I wanted.  I asked the nurse today if I could have one the same day as chemo, or what was the deal with this drug interaction.  She told me the general rule is not 2 days before or 2 days after... crap!  I am on an every 7 day cycle, not much time for a beer, nor on any day that is social?  I get chemo on Friday so that wipes out any dinner drinks with friends all weekend, and that is all I wanted.  Looks like Tuesdays are the new Fridays in my world.... Oh well... just thought it was pretty funny...

7/11

Argh!  I finished the blog and got kicked out and this was the first time it didn't save... I was just about to spell check. Now I am going to wrap this day up quicker.

Coffee outing this morning
Errands with Dane, new glasses look great

Email from doctor saying that my heart scan is normal!  I am very happy because the AC is so damaging. I know that I have not had the maximum allotment per lifetime. I guess that is good to know, although I never want to get to that level.  I wasn't really worried because I cannot worry about all the what ifs that this mess has attached.  I do my best to stay grounded and stay concerned about what is going on here and now.  It is a relief, I would hate to have added a heart condition to my concerns.

The last baseball game of the season was tonight. This was for 3-4th place. We won and came in 3rd even though we had the best record in the entire league and was undefeated all year.  Yeah Phillies!  It was an enjoyable season, it was never too hot.  We even had those June games wearing winter coats.  We now have a baseball break until fall ball.  Brad is already recruiting his team.

Tomorrow is 2/12 or 1/6 of my chemo.  I am not sure which sounds better.  Even though I get the routine of chemo, it really isn't much easier each time I go. I don't want to go, I don't like it and it creeps me out.   I don't want to get poked. I don't like poison dripping into my body and I don't like feeling like a patient. It just sucks.  I am hoping that it goes off without a hitch.  Kristin is taking me tomorrow, and it is early so we don't have to waste the day.  Just want it to continue to be the "breeze" I was told, and how last week went... bring on the gentle wind....and let me graciously glide thru...

Holy Hole!

All good things come to an end... and that would be my boy's winning streak.  They lost tonight. Boo!  No taking it all the way and going totally undefeated!.  I was wrong in the standings, it was 15-0. But they got spanked tonight.  It is what it is, and that's all folks... or until tomorrow when we play for third place.  Just not the same.... Both boys are sad, but they just didn't have it tonight, the other team played well, and we have been down 3 of our players for a couple weeks.  Oh well, it is little league. :)

This morning I had my Mugga scan.  I went alone.  I had one of the same technicians from before, she recognized me also.  She tapped my vein and drew blood.  She left the IV in because, here is what I forgot, they took my blood and mixed it with some nuclear goo and then gave it back to me!  Yuck.  I should have read my own blog to remember this gory detail.  I asked several times to make sure it was my blood.  It's just a nasty thought. What if someone sneezed in my blood? Or it got mixed incorrectly? Or switched? Or, or, or!!!!  I had to wait awhile for them to make my blood cocktail and then give it back, then the scan.  She hooked me up to EKG thingies and started the imaging.  She stopped and asked me what else I had in my chest wall. ???? She said she knew I had a port, but there seemed to be something on the other side.  She pointed out the "cold " spot.  For a moment I thought, oh crap...they left something in me!  She moved the camera and asked about a pacemaker or anything else... because I had a HUGE hole directly in the middle of my heart.  Then we figured it out. The fakies I was wearing had some metal inside them for weight!  I took the bra off and instantly the hole in my heart was healed!  Hallelujah! If everything was only that easy.  We laughed about it but she felt like she was being tested...she said it was a little eerie.  I used my mantra and breathing throughout the whole test and it was rather relaxing.  I did well... for me.  I was out of there just before noon.  Longer than expected.  I hope they find that my heart is still in good working order.  I would hate one thing to damage another. What do you do then? Cure cancer and have congenital heart failure instead?

I promised Marley I would take her to the quarry with a friend today.  It was cheapo day for all the people without passes so it was nutty crowded.  I found some shade and watched the girls play and have a blast for a couple of hours.  It was a bit crowed for my liking but a promise is a promise.  Then we went to the game....and all that is history.

I am still feeling pretty good.  I am having a few minor stomach issues here and there, but nothing I cannot handle...and no drugs.  I still am not healed from other pain the butt issue, but there has been slight relief.  My hair is growing, and it is going to continue to grow and defy all odds and possibly gravity!  I can't wait for my crew cut! I am planning my summer off my first round of Taxol. I can't imagine why I would get any new reaction. If I did well after the first one, I should do the same the next. It is the same dosage, never any stronger. That means my weekends should be good and I can move forward with my life... no more couch on the porch-which is good because it is too hot out there.  I can feel some fatigue, but I don't do well with that either...I will push through it.  I am done being a bump on a log. Time to get moving!

Like Dory from Nemo says:  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Random Thoughts of Oddness

Today was a strangely filled day of random thoughts, doings and feelings. I am not sure why it turned out so odd, or if it even was odd...can't put my finger on it.  I have started reading a good book about mindful meditation and maybe that has something to do with it.  Since I have slowed my body down for the past few months, it is time to get my mind in control...oooh, mind control!  I have tried some meditation before, but asking me to be quiet and serious is asking a lot! Karen and I did some walking meditation and we just paced back and forth for like 30 minutes, being mindful of each step, each placement of our feet, how we felt, our breath...the whole nine yards.  Okay, I could pace. In fact it was hard walking when you think about walking...but that wasn't my problem.  My problem was that I looked up.  There I was in a room with at least 25 other people shuffling and looking at the ground, walking and stumbling...It looked like I was in a room full of zombies.  I almost lost it.  No more meditation for me, I was picking them off one by one in my head...I wanted Karen to look at me so bad!  However, I am pretty sure I would have had to excuse myself.  he he..

I had a quick coffee with Deb and a surprise visit from Becky, who I worked with for many years and sends me the best cards at the most perfect intervals!  I cleaned some of the playroom, helped Dane make granola, read, laundry, was bored, texted, organized stuff, hit a wall at 3:30-rested for 20 minutes...got scarves in the mail from my mother in law, etc... A lot of little things went on today but I felt like something was missing.  I don't know what it was, nor does it really matter.  But that's why I say it was odd feeling sort of day. These are the days I need to learn to accept.

The best part of this evening would be the that the boys won their first playoff game tonight!  Intense game 13-12!!!  I wanted to take Brad's blood pressure at the game, I am sure it was off the charts.  They now play tomorrow night...undefeated!  He really enjoys coaching baseball, and he seems to be pretty good at it too.  Go Phillies!

Tomorrow is the MUGG scan.  Don't want to go.  Don't have a choice.  Hope they are on time and I can get in and out of there.  I came up with a mantra, like my book suggests.  I will have to start using my mantra as they jab a needle in my arm and pump me with nuclear goo: calm mind, calm body. It seems to be simple enough....

Doses

Nothing says stay in bed like a dark room with rain and thunder outside... I love it!!!!...Okay, I know you want to curse me, but it not only makes me not feel bad for being out in the sun, swimming, biking and having fun, it waters my plants...and I have a brown thumb.  It also motivated me to clean and purge my closet!  Work in progress!

I got a phone call today from the nuclear medicine office to schedule my Mugg scan.  I was kind of putting it off, thinking next week sounded good. Nope. They are open on Wednesday at 10:00 a.m.  Oh Joy!  They cannot put the radioactive dye in me through my port, they have to tap a vein and give me an IV. I HATE IVS!!!  I am not looking forward to Wednesday.  The scan otherwise is painless, I just lay there and the machine moves slowly over my heart at different angles measuring the pumping activity.  Hope it is still working good....

Got a little dose of reality today when I went to work for a meeting.  I know it will be both physically and mentally challenging for me at the start. Physically it will be tiring. Granted I stay feeling good on Taxol, I need to step up my activity regimen. I need to exercise more and build up stamina to work with a class full of kids all day.  I am sure I will be wiped by bedtime...maybe then I will get some good rest. I am looking at the bright side of exhaustion!  It will also be taxing on me mentally. I will have to overcome the self esteem issues I have being the "temporary" me.  I am sure my class and coworkers will be great, but it isn't them I worry about, it is me.  You have to be comfortable in your own skin and it is one of the most challenging things to deal with going through chemo.  It takes a lot of work to hide what I really look like.  Prior to this, I was a pretty low maintenance kind of girl, I am out of my element and am pretty self conscious.  This too, I will manage. I am sure I will cry before coming to school, stomp my feet and beg Brad to let me stay home.  He will kick me out the door and tell me it will all be fine.  And it will.  I hope.  Only a few months...long months....

I have some time to work on this anxiety.  I am working on mindful meditation.  I think controlling my thoughts will help elevate some stress, fears and allow me restful sleep.  I think I am a pretty strong person, and I am optimistically happy in general. But I cannot lie and say that this is easy and no big deal. It is a huge deal and each day it doesn't get easier.  It really doesn't.  Each day is a battle against myself.  I just have to make sure the good side of me wins! I have to be honest, if I didn't have my kids, I don't know if I could do this as well as I am.  They make me laugh, keep me busy, care for me and are just the most perfect little monsters I could have ever asked for.  They are my strength. I do this because of them, with them and for them.

The Forever Weekend

Since Thursday it has felt like a weekend, even though weekends and weekdays are all the same to me. I am happy to report that I am still feeling great. Tired, but great.  I cleared my mind a bit more last night, but am still working on meditation before bed to just be "empty". 

I am working on preventing any nail issues with precautionary measures.  The loss of finger and toenails kind of freaks me out big time. Marley's new joke, is telling me that my ears are going to fall off too.. Nice kid eh?  Dane came home from an awesome weekend of lake fun and is sun kissed and wiped out!  That is what summer is about!

I am thinking that many blogs will be short and sweet and just reporting that all is well.  This would be a good thing.  I am hoping to keep the chemo crap to a minimum.  My journey is long, but if I am comfortable, have good music, food and company, I can cruise a long, long way....

I hope everyone is having an awesome summer.  I am not loving the heat, but it isn't all about me...well, on this blog it is....

Feeling Lucky

Thanks to all of you out there sending me good karma, prayers and wishes... it worked!  So far so good. I have had no nausea or any immediate side effects from yesterday's Taxol.  It is unbelievable.  If this was an AC I wouldn't even be able to blog. What an improvement!  I didn't sleep at all last night, I couldn't stop thinking. I don't know if that is a side effect or an anxiety of the drug kicking in. Either way,  I am feeling hopeful about the next 12 weeks.  I know that I have a lot of unknowns, but I am hoping that I will get lucky and make it through without any of the bad ones.  I am especially concerned about losing finger and toenails...seems awfully painful. I bought some Burt's Bees cuticle cream, cut my nails short and bought some clear polish for strength, just like the nurse told me to do.  I would also like to keep eyebrows and lashes...but at this point it seems like there is a potential to loose just about anything.  It only gets crueler...Next year I will look like a totally different person...Can't wait for that.  I have thoughts on my new look...Time to reinvent myself, since some is being done for me.

I have to get another MUGG scan in the next two weeks. The AC is hard on the heart and they need to compare my heart before and after to make sure they didn't do too much damage.  The Taxol isn't good for my heart either.  What can I do?  I do what they say is best for me now, and hope that I have a strong heart.  Which I had before we started.

On the home front, Dane and Brad won their last regular season game, they are  13-0-Undefeated!  Good for the boys.  Dane is off having a blast with Jacob and his family at their lake house.  We took Marley to dinner and was going to see a movie, but she came down with a tummy ache so we red boxed it instead.

Thanks again for getting me through this... I know there are a lot of you out there. Why won't you just click the button and be a follower?  I don't send out alerts or anything. I just would love to know who my support crew are so I can give you a hug the next time I see you... and say Thank You!

Enjoy your Saturday night.

1 Down...11 to Go!

Woke up tired.  Being outside all day and then having to listen to local fireworks and rowdy partiers takes a toll on sleeping.  I tried to sleep in but it didn't work. Not a big deal, I am used to being tired.  I took Marley to spend the day with her cousins and go swimming.  Way better than having Dane babysit her all day.  He stayed home to kidsit himself.  He has a fun weekend ahead of him so he needed some quiet time.

Got to doc at 10:50 appointment time. Left there at 3:45.  Long, long day.  My blood work is all perfect.  Everything is normal or better.  My organs are all hydrated and good.  Nice to hear.  Then doc went over some possible side effects of Taxol.  I started feeling the anxiety creep in.  I almost don't want to know, but understand that they have to tell me.  I checked out with her and all is good, she patted me on the shoulder and said, "It is just 12 weeks and in the big picture that is nothing."  I guess she is right. However, she is failing to recall that I just did 12 weeks and 12+ 12 = a half a year!  And then the radiologist will say, "It is just 7 weeks, 35 visits, that is nothing in the big picture."   Ahhhhhh!!!!!!

Today's nurse, Julie is a real sweet lady. She was pretty darn busy and I had to wait a few minutes to get started. Her job was to tell me the potential side effects that happen during infusion.  See how that works.. Each person has a layer of information to reveal at specific times...not to overwhelm you anymore than you already are.  She explained all about the reactions that you can get while it is going in.  Anything from swelling, neuropathy, my face turning red or purple, shortness of breath, hot flashes, headache... I was starting to get really nervous.  Then we talked about side effects that doc had mentioned, but more in detail.  The biggest concern is shortness of breath. I will watch for that.  She said most people loose their eyebrows and eyelashes. However... and I  am holding onto any glimmer of hope, that she said she hasn't seen anyone grow hair on AC....Well, I must be a hairy ape then.... I will beat these odds too.

The grossest side effect she went into detail about is the potential for my fingernails to change color, get brittle and maybe....fall off! Bloody Hell!  That would be awful!  That would be ugly and painful... She said to cut them short, get good cuticle cream and start using it now, and paint them with a clear coat to protect them. I will be getting on this immediately.  When done with all the horror stories, she hooked me up to the premeds and I cried.  She came to check on me and felt bad because I was upset.  Who wouldn't be if you know you have 12 weeks of potential more horrid side effects.  I am trying to be chipper and strong, but it is hard to hear.  This isn't easy.

Taxol.  She hooked me up and gave me a slow drip for 15 minutes to see if I was going to have the infusion reaction.   I was to get her if I felt anything.  I felt nervous and anxious, but I didn't call her for that.  Nothing.  She came back and sped it up just a little for another 15 minutes.  Nothing.  She came back and said if I was going to have a reaction to this drug I would have had in the first 20 minutes.  She also said if I didn't have it the first time, I will not have it any time. Whoo-hoo!!!!!  This doesn't mean I wont get the other things, it only means I won't suffer 11 more times getting an infusion.  I also started Herceptin, which also had its stories and worries. I took that one like a champ also.  This is good news and a big deal, less to worry about.

Came home and ate something because I was starving.  Then I went to get Marley, chatted awhile and came home. I made some smoothies and ordered pizza.  I feel okay right now. I don't feel nauseated at all and am okay.  I am going to make this the breeze everyone said it was, plus grow hair. Most importantly I need to fell good.

I wanted to blog early in case it knocked me out. I am not going to allow that to happen. I think all of your prayers and thoughts are working!  Keep them up so I can get through tonight and tomorrow...if I make it through those I should be golden... or at least bronzish...

Hugs to all of my friends out there.  I appreciate your love and support!  I couldn't do this without you!

Happy Fourth of July!

I hope everyone had a safe and Happy Fourth of July! 

I started this beautiful day with a coffee date with Stephanie at Grahams.  Good coffee and conversation, sitting outside...it is like being on a mini getaway...I totally forgot about that coffee shop until I drove by it... I will need to visit it more often.

Came home and did a lot of nothing. I am trying to sleep on my own, but I know that I am waking super early and having interrupted sleep. I am getting a few z's because I am having odd dreams that have different friends in each night... and I remember only one little bit from them in the morning. Even so I am still tired, lack of sleep tired.

Went to a pig roast at Karen's.  She had a lot of guests show up, at one point I almost left. I thought it was going to mostly be neighbors, then a lot of people I didn't know showed up.  I love to socialize, it is just way different right now.  If it were all my friends, I wouldn't have to talk about any of my stuff, or be looked at sideways.  I kind of stayed in a safe zone and hung with neighbors. I had to talk a little about it to some acquaintances that wanted to know how I was, so I made a few jokes, left it lighthearted and tried to change the subject. Overall it was a nice party and reinforces how much I want to be the old me.  When everyone says it will change you forever...I am not sure I want to be changed.  I enjoy being social and having fun.... I miss that part of my life. I love goofing around and going to get togethers.  I do really appreciate living in a neighborhood of wonderful and supportive friends.  I am very lucky that I have that.  I feel comfortable with them and they know I am still me.

Went to the fireworks afterwards.  Almost had to leave. My stomach did some funky back flips and I didn't know what to do. I was about a half mile from home and didn't think I could make it. Walked it off a bit and stayed for the show. Kids tired. Dog freaked out at home...Time for bed for all.

I have to be honest and say that I am nervous about tomorrow. Anytime there is something new it freaks me out. I am mostly nervous having an allergic reaction while getting treated. If I get one, it will be something that sticks with me and will hit my gag reflexes for days after, which could make me sick.  Since I had the freaky hand itching and rash on the AC, I should get a break on this drug. Especially because I have to do it 12 times.  Here is where I ask all of you to send that karma, good luck and prayers my way. I need this to be the "breeze" I had heard it was.  Whatever it is I can do it. I would like it to be easy so I don't have to work so hard on feeling good...I need to channel that energy into growing me some luscious locks......

Until tomorrow....

Decision Day...

Is it bad that I want to kill all the birds in my neighborhood?  I love trees and nature but give me a break.  If it nice we have the windows open and then the birds are LOUD!  If it is raining, no birds, but then it is raining.. Can't catch a break! :)

I am not going back to see the camper. I have decided to email her and tell her that the camper is about 1000 over priced and if she ever wants to dump it, give me a call.  It makes me a little sad because they are hard to find, but I am not desperate.  Oh well, it wasn't meant to be... and if it is, then she will contact me.

Today was fix the kids up day.  Dane picked out new glasses and we went to see the orthodontist for a consultation.  Yep, braces.  6,000 bucks... kid needs to get a job!  He is getting them in August-while I am on a fishing retreat.  Dad can handle this one.  Then a haircut for Marley... I was so jealous that she got inches cut off her hair and that she still has long hair... it is so pretty.  I wanted to save it and glue it on my noggin'. 

I think I am going through another really dry skin side effect... my skin feels so dry and I think I look all crackly like a lizard. Dane didn't think so and he is pretty honest. My hair is still continuing to grow. I had to cut a few wild hairs that were over an inch long... Let's hope I can start some nutty hair growth like that.. maybe my hair will be like mushrooms, grow over night and do even better when wet...I will sprinkle my head.  There is hope for hair regeneration on Taxol... Mind over Medicine and Matter.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July already, time flies.... countdown to next chemo...1 day and counting... yikes....

I hope everyone enjoys tomorrow!

Gone to the Birds...

We had some really early birds this morning that ruined my sleep... I don't mean kids or anything, I mean birds...they were super loud at like 4:00 a.m.!  I couldn't fall asleep after that and either could Brad... I love nature but I don't care for living in an aviary!

Deb and I went to look at a camper today. It was so cute and little. It was old, vintage 1967.  It wasn't in perfect condition but didn't look bad.  I am going to go back with my brother in law for his opinion.  The only problem is the price. She is about 1000 over priced.  I am not sure how desperate she is to sell, but she bought it last year and hasn't used it once, and it has been sitting in storage that she has to pay 85 bucks a month.  I think she is trying to cover her cost of the camper and her year's worth of rental. The rental isn't my problem. The price is why she hasn't moved it, it is just too much for what it is.  I can offer her my bid and tell her that if in three months she is still sitting on it, give me a call....

Had a yard and house full of kids today, fun for the 'hood. Kids were full of energy and I was just beat. I was once again unmotivated. Sat and talked with my neighbor Jess and visited with friends who moved back recently. Not very productive.  Another "weekend" kind of day.  I should get motivated... should.  Maybe.

Still looking for a vacation spot. We have decided that driving 10 hours is just too much for us after chemo and having only a week to get away. We have a couple options in Door County.  We don't really care where we go, we just need to get out of here for a bit.

No news is good news...  I am wearing long pants and a jacket and it is the 2nd of July, whatever is going on is fine by me... I love cooler weather....

Relax

Relaxing day, kind of felt like what a weekend should feel like. The weather was amazing and it was just an overall nice day.  It started with my cousin Jenny coming over with the girls for breakfast. I got up and made a couple of quiches for them and had cinnamon rolls and coffee. They stayed a couple of hours, I wish they lived closer.

After that, Dana and Alexa came by, and the girls finished their painting project. After they had a huge water balloon game and fight with the boys. I sat in my sky chair, relaxed and watched it all. Then later a visit from Jason, then Karen...steady stream of pleasantries. Bosco even had three play dates today!  Kids are having sleepovers, I have boys, and Karen has girls.  I am desperately searching for a place to rent for vacation. The place I thought we were going to do is a bit far, and I can't make a decision.  It is 10 hours, and that usually is no big deal, but I don't have my 10 day vacation, I have a week.  Do I just do it? Or is that too much driving for a shorter trip?  Argh! I have to tell the guy...he wanted a deposit today....

Going to see the camper tomorrow. Hoping it is all that it is cracked up to be.  If I like it, my brother in law will go and check it out with me the following day.  Hope it works out.

Keeping a positive attitude this week.  I am setting my mind that all the rough stuff is over!   Hope we all have a great week!