Happy Early Thanksgiving.

Had to get up early on my day off, major bummer. Had to be at radiation at 7:30 a.m.  Saw the doctor and she told me to just slather and heal for the next four days. I only have 6 treatments left...but only one in the sorest areas...that I didn't know....the last 5 are the boost along my scar line. That area is already pink and I'm sure 5 concentrated treatments will make me even more sore.  I'm really sore.

After that I crossed the garden and had to get herceptin. What a fabulous way to start the holiday break...

Still sick. Head cold. Tired. Looking forward to unwinding and unplugging for a few days. I'm so mentally drained about being in physical discomfort for 9 months. I want to feel normal.

May or may not blog over next few days. Spending a few unplugged days in solitude at the cabin. No treatments there.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Still Sick :(

Slept on and off with this nasty head cold. Went to work and finished up with conferences...it was tough because I just felt so cruddy. Came home and went right to bed. I was so comfortable, just laying there resting. Had to put thebark collar on the dog so I could have peace. 

Set my alarm for 3 in order for me to go to radiation. It's very difficult for me to go now. My skin hurts something fierce and I want it to be over. I had X-ray's today so I had to lay there longer. It takes me a bit of time to put my elbows down once my hands are over my head, the skin is tight and burned. It's looking like I could end up with third degree burns by the time this is over. 

After radiation, went home had a cup of soup, and went to my massage. I had called earlier and told them I was sick and said I should probably cancel. They told me to come in because they could help. I thought, it couldn't hurt. 

I bought a package of four massages because it makes them a little cheaper. My insurance doesn't cover any massages or chiropractic work...I guess I add it to the overall expense account of this ordeal. Anyway, my plan is every other week through this mess...

She worked on my feet a lot, which was great and my hand and head. She worked on draining my sinuses through massage on my neck and face... I was skeptical...originally, but each time I see her I feel better... I actually felt better this evening, less congested and thick....she may be my new miracle worker...going to stick with her, plus we talked and found out we hung out in the same circle of friends in high school...even had mutual friends....small world.   I find her to be knowledgeable in her field and so far I've been pleasantly surprised. 

I have to get up early on my day off to go in for treatment and herceptin. Fun way to start the holiday....

Damn Cold!

Longest day ever.... Started with an early morning jaunt to radiation, then off to work for the extra long day... The conferences were all fine, I enjoy meeting with the parents. I was okay until lunch, then I started slowing down...by four I wanted cry-knowing I had four more hours to go.  My cold had gotten worse overnight and I was already tired from a night awake blowing my nose....instead of a dinner break, because nobody wants to eat when your tongue feels furry, I laid down in the nurses office for an hour. I think I dozed for 15 minutes.  Either way I needed it. When I got up I had just about nothing left of my voice... That was fun for the rest of the evenings conferences! 

Got home. Ate soup. Put Vicks on my feet. Talked to kids. Applied burn bandages. Now ready to sleep. Out of Ativan and didn't call for more.... Didn't help last night with cold anyway....

Hope tomorrow's a bit better....

Figures...

I have a cold and it sucks. Bad sleep last night too, so I was beat all day. I have a cold about this time every year, near parent teacher conferences. It wouldn't be that big of a deal if I wasn't already wiped and didn't have to start a 12 hour day with early morning radiation....but whose complaining....

I went to radiation today to be able to have Thursday and Friday off... My four days of healing....looking forward to that... Or my skin will be crispy...like on a deep fried turkey. 

I kinda rested all afternoon because I am trying to avoid getting sicker.  I also rested because I wanted to go to Friendsgiving.  Karen and Mike host a wonderful feast where we all bring dishes and have a fabulous meal! I think we had 15 adults and 14 kids! Wow! Hoping the tryptophan in the turkey helps me sleep tonight! Should have washed it down with cherry juice....

In bed, early to attempt to conquer the day ahead....

Brrr!

Had a rough night last night. Went to bed with a sore throat and a bad feeling I was going to get a bad cold. Woke up several times with my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth... Because I can't breathe through my nose.... Cold is starting but wasn't that bad today... Thank goodness.  Hope it doesn't get worse.

I slept with the oil bandages on and I felt pretty good today. Getting ready to do that again. Radiation tomorrow. 

This evening we did a fun walk through the Mooseheart Christmas Lights.... Brrr! We did it with Brad's family, then ordered pizza and had a pre thanksgiving get together. The lights were nice, it was something to do, the walk was about 1.26 miles, but it was cold! We got a Santa hat, tshirt and bag....good for the kids! 

Curling up in bed with Mars in a few...hopefully all that cold air will knock me out. 

Droopy Eyes

Tonight was about the kids. Each kid had friends over for a movie. Brad and I carried oiit Thai.  I'm really exhausted and feel like I'm getting sick. Hopefully not. I don't need a cold now. 

Today was an additional planing session for a booster zap my last week if radiation. Doc said she treats the scar line as a boost because that is the most common place for a reacurance. With that said, boost away. 

Super packed weekend ahead if us, need to stay healthy. Falling asleep and going to rest up.. Plus no glasses...

Endless Thursday....

This is an endless day... I'm blogging from Dane's play practice... I thought it was done at 8:30, got here a bit early and it's not over until 8:45. I have been home for 15 minutes this evening....

Radiation was backed up so I was there an hour tonight. I had a hard time getting my arms down today... It hurt. :(

Then I ran home and ate a bit of soup and a half burnt quesadilla....then off to a reiki session...then to the therapist...and now sitting here. I'm trying not to listen so the play is fresh for me.. But they're doing the last scene...figures. 

Tomorrow is Friday, yeah! Except they told me to prepare for at least an hour tomorrow...of my time...not including any wait time.... What a fun way to start the weekend.... Pff!

Oh well, at least it will be a Friday! 

Oh and I wore a little clip barrette in my hair today... That's a milestone in hair growth!!! 

Burnt Out...

My days are getting long...partially because of how dark it is so early, but mainly because my radiation treatments are taking a lot longer.  My time is supposed to be fairly quick, but they continue to have trouble lining me up...not sure what the problem is.  Today they took weekly x-rays and I met with the doctor. I was there for almost an hour and a half!  That is a long time.   I go in during the day, and come out when it's pitch black...taking a toll. Today was number 21.  12 to go.  I know, I am over the hump and moving on...but I just keep going to the same place everyday and it is getting old.  I will be there even more over the next week:
Thursday-regular treatment.
Friday-extra long appointment because doctor is going to do some boost treatment along scar line. This treatment is only done by her.  I guess it is a one time deal.
Saturday-off
Sunday-Treatment, yep...Sunday
Monday-7:30 a.m. treatment before my 12 hour parent teacher conference work day.
Tuesday-regular treatment
Wednesday-7:30 treatment, and 9:00 Herceptin
Thurs-Sun-off...thank goodness....

So much.  December 9th is my last day.  As much as I don't want time to fly by, I am looking forward to the end of this. I know people say that radiation is a breeze-maybe because you don't loose your hair or have the other side effects. However, it in itself, isn't a piece of cake. My skin is burning and tight and I am constantly itchy.  No, I am not throwing up. No, I don't have other horrible things, but this still kinda sucks.  I also found out that the one technician who has been with me from the start leaves on Wednesday and won't see me through my treatments.  I guess they rotate the techs between River West and Rush-Copley...that's too bad-people become your security blanket too.

Enough of radiation talk. 
Full day tomorrow...I have Reiki and therapist in the evening.  Should come home relaxed and stress free....fingers crossed....

Uncomfortable

I have a high tolerance for pain, so I guess I'd have to say I'm in the uncomfortable stage of radiation. My skin is a red, bumpy, tight, itchy mess. All day at work I was in pain from the rawness and the clothing.  It's really sore on my sternum  and under my arm. I am looking forward to after next Tuesday, when I can wear loose sweatshirts and not be anywhere public and heal. 

I was starting to get down on the way to radiation becuse I was so sore.  Then they were late so I waited. Didn't make it better.  It was hard to stretch today... It will only get tighter and worse. :(  a few more weeks-I can do it... Snapped out of a potential funk with a little foosball and air hockey with the kids, and a walk with Brad. 

Tomorrow is a new day... More aloe and more cortisone....

Hunka Hunka burning skin

Nothing new except I hate the burning skin! Argh! I want to itch and scratch..... But I'm trying not to....

Sunday...

What a lovely day of wicked weather. Made me thank my lucky stars I have a warm home to live in.  

Had a ridiculously hard time getting out of bed today. So I didn't. Until 10:30....I woke early, but my body said "stay in bed and rest, because you can."  I listened. I tried to fall asleep but I was in a half stupor most of the time, but I needed it.  I showered to wake up and the rest of the day I was pretty good. Each weekday morning I crave to stay in bed, it was what I wanted. So I did it. 

Had a lovely dinner with the Files family to round off the weekend. It was a cruddy day so a nice homey dinner was perfect. The nice thing about making a Sunday night dinner are the leftovers....mmm. No cooking tomorrow night! :). See how the littlest things can make one happy! 

This week is a full mon-Friday radiation. Joy. My skin hurts so bad. I did a compress of some stuff they suggested and it felt fine at the time but as soon as it was done it began to hurt.  It's starting to hurt more and it's bad with wearing the heavy sisters... Can't go to work without, and can't bear the pain.... Stuck here. This is truly sucky. It all is. A few more weeks and the treatments will be done. I hope my skin doesn't get too much worse. Fingers crossed. 

Saturday

Busy day of normal stuff.  Errands, housework, taking kids here and there.  Tiring, but normal.  My biggest complaint of the day is my raw skin.  I have a stronger prescription cortisone cream, which helps for awhile.  But I am starting to get raw...and it is bumpy and itchy.  So now, I am a scarred up mess, with a road map and road rash on my chest.  Oh so pretty. It is almost impossible to imagine my chest ever resembling anything that looks good, or normal...even my skin...will that ever heal?

Went to a trivia night for a fundraiser tonight and had a good time.  Marley was at a party for awhile while Dane was home.  There is a whole story behind that, but don't get me started.  The trivia was fun, and we had a table of 10 of us.  At one point we were tied for first place, but we descended rapidly...

Even though I wasn't dressed up, jeans, my Chris Cornell jersey and a pink vest, I felt good for the first time in a long time about how I looked. My hair is getting longer, which means I have a little more to play with...not just the chia pet look.  I of course, sported my 3lb. weights from Hell, but I feel I have to in public to make me look like...me. But I had a good attitude and am hopeful someday this will be a memory...or at least fade.  I know it will always be a part of who I am...that is just a fact.  The night is over and time to rest.

Friday

I know if I don't post I'm in trouble. :). All is pretty good, except my skin is starting to hurt. I have a bad, bright red rash that itches. I have a prescription for a stronger cortisone, but haven't made it to osco yet. I'm alternating aloe and regular cortisone to help it. Neither are doing much. It's concentrated in specific areas, and is highly bothersome. Fun times.

18 done.

Had a nice evening of dinner and shopping with Debby. Wasn't too productive but got some ideas to think about. Dane went to a friends for a movie, and Brad took Marley to movie night at her school. Everyone was out and about.

Tired. 

Good night. 

Officially Half Way Done

17 Down.  16 to go.  Over the hump.  Yeah.  Today's session was loooonnngggg.   I got there and had to wait. I tried to ask the lady ahead of me how long she was waiting but she only said, "Sorry, I no understand."  I think she was Polish. I thought to myself, how flippin' scary is that?  You are in another country where you don't speak the language and are receiving crazy treatments...do you even fully understand what they are doing? Hell, I speak English and don't fully get it all.  I am sure she isn't ignorant, it just made me think. I waited.

 Finally it was my turn. First I was treated and then I was in for the planning session...what is that again you ask? Well, it is when they hover over you, move you, draw on you, take a zillion x-rays, call the doctor in and make sure it all is perfect. It also is about an hour of lying still in the exact same position...the uncomfortable one.  They asked me if I cared if their physicist, Ron or Ross, or something like that came in and watched.  I asked, being me, "Is he hot?"  They giggled of course and told me that he was already in the room, and that he was married.  My reply was, "You didn't answer my question, and I don't care if he is married, is he hot?"  Their reply was more giggling...I asked this man, who spoke on the left side of me, to come around and introduce himself. I don't like people working on me if I cannot even see their face once.  He did.  Nice guy, not my type. :) So I had 3 technicians, on physicist and the radiologist all doing what it is they do.  Seriously labor intensive and super technical.  My doctor wanted everything perfectly clear and down to the mm of even the pen marks...you go girl!

I was happy when I was done.

Tonight was yoga night here at home. Ursula is working on restorative yoga with me in my yoga room downstairs....finally the room is getting its proper usage.  It was good.  She knew I didn't want super easy yoga, but also that I have some limitations....Hopefully in a few months I will be strong again...enough to get surgery and weaken again....then up...then down....Oy!   It was good for the both of us...and so easy to get to. :)

TGIF for tomorrow....not sure why, but a weekend is always nice.  I am feeling so much better, and even less tired during the day.  A few plans here and there this weekend to get back in the full swing of a social life, balanced with resting and doing the things that need to be done around here....

Hope everyone has a great Friday!

25 Hour Days?

Well, I tried really hard to sleep two nights in a row on my own.  I failed.  I was doing okay, but still not asleep by midnight, so I took A....I needed to be able to function today.  I feel like I am doing better overall, so I have my hopes for better sleep moving forward...at least I am not getting up with horrid back pain because some crazy drug made me dream that...hold on...wait...what if I dream that I am thin? Or dream that I have weight loss...that would be awesome!  Wake up a few pounds lighter each day...I would stay on that whack narcotic for a few weeks for sure!  Now why doesn't' someone invent that....

Tomorrow I have a long planning session-which means a lot of x-rays and staying in the same position for a long time.  I think it will be about an hour.  Try lying there with your hands over your head holding a handle, and having your head cranked to the right...and not move. It isn't easy. I have learned to work through itches, but it takes a lot of mental work to ignore those.... it doesn't hurt, except being in the position so long...hands start going numb and burning neck cramp...I just got rid of my sore neck like 2 days ago!  I am to take some ibuprofen on the way, dull the discomfort.  Tomorrow marks 17.  I am not burnt yet,  however I have a bumpy rash in some areas. I have to use cortisone cream and do these "soaks", compresses rather.  Directions from doctor say 3-4 times a day, for 15 minutes. Hahahahahah!  That is funny!  Like I can squeeze in an hour of compresses into my day.  Not bloody likely.  She knew that and told me to do what I can.  Okay, maybe one at this rate, if lucky.  I am supposed to work that in to my already ridiculous schedule....

Not going to let that stress me out....I will do what I can...and what I need to do right now is go read to my daughter....

No Help Last Night....

I know, I forgot again.  I don't know how something that is such a large part of me could get swept under the rug...life is busy!

Last night I decided that I was not going to take the new med again. I did two nights on it and it was weird.  It kicked in about 30 minutes after I took it. I could feel it...a total wave of body buzz.  Then my eyes clamped shut and my head went dead. I could not move my lips to formulate a word...but wanted to, it was odd. Throughout the night I had like 5 very distinct dreams.  One was finding out my grandma was alive and living in this cute place, wore overalls and hung out with people who restored vintage campers...yeah.  Some of the other dreams were weirder.  The last of the series, was all about back pain...and that was the last one of the night, and I woke up hardly being able to move my back hurt so bad.  This happened two nights in a row, the exact dreams, the exact back pain, the exact same thing...it was like that movie, Groundhog Day...which annoyed me.  Due to those experiences, I chose not to take anything at all.  I could feel myself getting exhausted both physically and mentally so I went to bed and did okay.  I didn't get up in the middle of the night, like I do on Ativan.  It was fairly restless, but I cleared my head and wasn't up all night worrying about not sleeping.  I did okay on my own.  I woke up tired, but not as bad as other days.  I am going to try again tonight.  Maybe I will be okay, maybe I have crossed over and now can go back to normal.

After radiation today I came home for my wallet (went to work without purse or book bag, duh) and then walked to my massage.  The masseuse was behind so I had to wait for a half hour, which cut into the time Brad and I were going to use for dinner out. I wanted the massage so I stayed and we had a quick bite to eat closer to home.... The kids have been playing with friends, brother and sister, for the past few Tuesdays...a great break for them.

I like this masseuse.  She is very into her craft. She knows a lot about the alternative medical approach and healing touch.  Although I am used to a more vigorous approach to massage, she is very healing and gentle...which is needed right now, but soon I will want all my kinks worked out.  She can do the same things with the cranial sacrum therapy the lady in Wheaton wanted to do...however, she is an 8 minute walk from home...and I like her a lot more.  I am going to go every other week for awhile as long as it helps.  She said I seemed a lot more solid than the first time, and I agree...She told me she was an empath and it took her a few days to get rid of all the junk I released and gave to her.... I know...it sounds hippy dippy, but you know what,  I left there feeling better and lighter, why couldn't it work in that way...I will not rule it out...nope.  The only bummer is that she took on my junk, that wouldn't be fun...it is hard being me right now.

Anyway, here I am still on the way to positive recovery as a whole person. Tomorrow will be radiation number 16/33-just about halfway done...I have things to look forward to on the horizon, and those are the things I am going to channel my energy into and enjoy.  The holidays are coming and that is always a favorite time of year for me....

Day by day, week by week...soon will be back to regularly scheduled Donnanne...fingers crossed.

Sunday Night

Sunday night and it has felt like midnight since 4:30 p.m.  I am not a fan of the early dark and the time change. Today was work around the house, bake cookies, make soup-etc...day.  Kids argued all day about raking leaves-even though they couldn't play until they finished.   It took all day.  They didn't play.

My friend Katie, who I went fishing with, stopped by with her husband this afternoon. Their son was playing hockey in Geneva so it was much closer to say hi than the drive from Wilmette. It was good to see her.  She told me it will get easier and I will not be scared everyday. I hope that time comes soon.  Then our neighbor Kate and her boys came over for soup dinner-potato leek....mmm. Nice, low key dinner. 

This week I have an appointment for another massage.  I am looking forward to that. Yoga tomorrow night-not sure what else. Can't do something each night, too exhausting.

Took the new drug last night. I think it help me fall asleep, buy not stay asleep. I went to bed around 10:30 and I woke at 1:11, went to the bathroom and back to bed. Woke again thinking it was like five minutes, at 3:11.  Then I'm not sure what happened. Awake-not awake... But when the sun came up I couldn't get out of bed. I was groggy and physically exhausted. I'll try this again because I didn't have evil dreams.  Hopefully it will work better after a few days.

Going to bed soon. I've wanted to since 2:30- it was hard staying awake all these hours....

Fri-Sat

Brad informed me that I was not a responsible blogger because I didn't blog last night after a doctor's appointment.  I guess that is true. I didn't blog for any reason except that I forgot. Oops.  Our friends Kerrie and Howard came over with chili and it slipped my mind until I was in bed.  Sorry to freak a few people out. Thanks for caring. :)

Overall all is good.  My blood work was all fine and she started me on the Tamoxifen.  She asked me how I felt and I said that I still felt all achy, tired and worn out.  She said sometimes it takes longer for people to get back to how they felt previously. When I was on the Taxol, I didn't have as many aches and pains because the weekly steroid masked those. Even though I have been off for over a month, all the good old pains can come back...at different times.  But now I need to be aware of the aches I have to watch out for anything new the Tamoxifen may cause.  The biggest issues with this drug on a regular basis would be hot flashes.  Not looking forward to those, but they are not life threatening.  The other two biggies are uterine cancer and clotting. Both are less than 2 %, but they have to tell you because it could happen.  I will work on getting a hysterectomy in the next couple of years so I don't need to worry about that too.  I took my first pill today.

I had radiation and that went as usual.  I also had Herceptin.  All my favorite nurses were there, and there was only one other patient.  I chatted and worked on a puzzle.  Unfortunately I feel too comfortable there, and that kind of sucks because it is a treatment center. I would have rather made new friends at a class, in the neighborhood or just about any other way.  There was a lady there, a bit older than me, like 50 was my guess, with her husband...getting the first treatment spiel.  I don't know what she was getting, but I could just hear the precautions of germs and all that stuff.  It really hit me in a weird way. She is there getting her first treatment...the beginning of a long haul (assuming) and I just wanted to go talk to her. She seemed to be in good spirits, but I remember how freaked out I was, how it made me cry thinking of the poison I was getting.  I don't even know what I would have said to her, but I felt like saying something. I didn't of course. This was not my business nor my place to give any form of advice or assurance.  Maybe I could have given her "how to survive the chemo experience".

Off the top of my head here is what I would have said.

1.  Get to know the nurses. They are a huge part of your treatment.
2.  Bring a friend or husband. Don't do it alone...time flies when you are with people.
3.  Listen to your body. If you are hungry for a burger, go get one.
4.  Use the anti-nausea meds, they work-lessened my upchucking
5.  Eat the Lorne Doones, nobody buys those and you only get them there or on airplanes.

I am sure there are other things, but like I said, it wasn't my business... It did seem like it was forever ago I was in that chair for the first time. I really wish I never had to be.  I am still not a convert on the, "I am glad this happened to me" front.  I am not.  I am sorry if that sounds bad. 

My next steps are to continue the new drug, for 5-10 years.  Yikes.  Herceptin every 3 weeks.  Doctor every 6 weeks.  Radiation for another 20 weekdays.  New sleep med maybe this week.  Alternative medicine/therapy intertwined. 5 days a week 30 minutes min. exercise.  I need to do that for many reasons including keeping clots at bay.

It is the middle of the day on Saturday, and I slept like crap last night so I am tired.  I did a bit of yard work and my cousin Carl was  here overnight last night and hung out with us this morning. I need to shower and go shopping. I need pants.  I cannot squeeze this booty into my jeans and I want at least one pair of comfortable pair.  I have declared that when I get my new body, I am going to start my wardrobe over. I am thinking of getting rid of it all and starting from scratch.  Could be fun.  Could be expensive too....I am worth it.....

Number 12

I'm blogging from phone without readers and I have no idea how this will turn out.  Had bloodwork and radiation today. Tomorrow I see the oncologist and get radiation and herceptin. I'm nervous to see the doctor because I don't want to ever hear bad news again. I'm scared and that's going to be forever. That sucks biut how do you not be?

I have too many aches and pings and pangs and eAch one scares me. The last two nights I've had a bit of tingling in my hand. Didn't mention it today cuz I thought it was a one time thing but happened tonight too. Not major but another feeling. I've had a sore neck for months now and I worry about that. Doesn't help tweaking my head daily on the table. Argh!  I hate the worry! I know, why worry about things you can't control? Because it's human nature. Nobody understands this. The only people who do are folks who have had their mortality put at riisk. The whiole " nobody knows" spiel is getting old. Yes, anyone of us could get hit by a bus or have a meteor land on us, however unlikely that is. But once you are a member of the sucky club, you have other more pertinent and real worries.

Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well and I don't have any other stuff going ion Oh, I think I will be starting Tamoxofin tomorrow too.  

I should watch out for those buses...

1/3 Done

Met with the radiologist today and showed her my freaky rib cage. She felt the area and said she didn't feel a "mass", holy crap. I said, "well that's good, geez". Wasn't thinking there was anything there.. She said it may be some fluid built up but nothing that she could pinpoint so well just keep an eye on it. Freaky me.

Went to meet a therapist to unload some of this "journey". I like her. I'll go back and see if I can clean more junk out. 

I'm truly doing everything I can. I always feel weird in one way or another.   

Sleep has improved since I've been trying new things... That's good. 

CranioWhat?

Today I went to see a naprapath after radiation.  I didn't really know what to expect.  I have only had one positive experience many years ago, and I guess I am looking for magic.  I am not sure what I found really, another interesting experience. I am having a lot of those lately.  She was located in a chiropractor's office, a Russian chiro as it turned out to be, so I was a little intrigued.  I was asked to fill out a pretty extensive form, which I didn't think was necessary, as all of this has to come out of pocket because I don't have any insurance for things like this.  That is the bad part.  I met the lady, and I think I mentioned earlier, she wasn't very articulate.  She also didn't look very professional, rather comfortable, but that's okay I guess.  The whole office was rather unimpressive.  Still, I had hopes. I am wiling to try just about anything at this point.  She took me to her room. It was a mess and not pleasant, but then again I wasn't there for a massage or spa treatment...had to keep an open mind.  I ran through my story as quick as possible and we decided that the sleep issue was the first thing to be worked on.  She did some weird stuff to me, all very light and not invasive.  She did some craniosacral therapy...yeah-had no idea either...still kind of don't.  The appointment was about an hour, she said she aligned my C1, what ever that is and whatever she did should make me tired and possibly help me sleep.  She said she thinks 6 sessions is what she would like to have in order to make a difference....I will see. I want to see how I feel after I try a bunch of things...before I commit to driving a half hour away and doing this kind of treatment.  I am always open and skeptical...that is how I am.  I am tired, and I got tired right after she did what she did, so maybe she is on to something...

Didn't get home until almost 7, that is too long of a day for me.  Going to work on my nightly ritual and hope that my craniosacral therapy helps.  I have been falling asleep much better in the past week, allowing the Ativan to work better.  I have felt a difference in my mind being shut down a lot more than usual, which is a great thing.  I have to try and sort which things work and which work better...so far we have yoga, massage and naprapathy.  Tomorrow is counseling...if I can dump a bunch of crap out of my head...I may be a new woman by the weekend-wishful thinking....I can dream...and dream big....Maybe I can start wearing flower necklaces and shave my head like a monk...oh, that is a BAD idea....been there and done that! No thanks! :)

Pressing Forward

I am still coming off of how proud I am of myself for this past weekend. I know it wasn't a marathon or that big of a deal, but for me it really is.  I have done so many things over these months that have pushed me to limits, and all of them have been out of my control.  This was a mental challenge more than a physical challenge-setting me back on the fighting side of things...fighting to get my mind and body under my control...I am taking it back.  I may not be able to control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it.

Speaking of my body, I have noticed that my left rib cage looks larger or swollen. I asked today at radiology and they only could say that it may look larger than the other side. It doesn't hurt at all and I have no trouble breathing.  They said to talk to the doctor on Wednesday. I have also noticed that where my ribs stick out above it, the scar line, the radiation area looks deepened. I am wondering if the skin is tightening and then making my ribs look distended.  Joy. Another deformity.  Since it doesn't hurt, I am not too concerned, except it looks pitiful.

After radiation, I grabbed Marley from Girl Scouts and dropped her off at gymnastics.  Then I went to yoga at the Living Well Center with my friend Ursula.  Ursula is volunteering time teaching yoga as part of her certification process.  She wants to work with me on restorative yoga at home as well as meditation to get me healthy in the head.  I am up for it all.

Dinner and kids in bed.  When I came home Brad was playing Monopoly with the kids, they are on a kick with that game!  Gotta love it.

Tomorrow after radiation, I am going to meet the naprapath.  I will get an initial consultation and treatment of some sort. Not sure what I am in for, but it is worth a whirl.

I am tired.  Could be coming off the weekend still, a busy evening, the yoga, the time change or a combo of all of the above.  It is good to be tired, the meds work better.   Going to hit the hot nightly shower and curl into bed and hope that the sandman cometh.

Proud

Another jump start to getting my life back...a crazy busy Saturday...the kind you have once in a blue moon, that wipes you out totally the next day, regardless of your current sleep or treatment condition.  This day has been the same for the past three years, and begins with The Race of the Dead in Chicago....

The Race of the Dead is in honor of Los Dias de Los Muertos...or Day of the Dead, the Mexican holiday that honors passed loved ones.  This was my very first 5k two years ago.  It was a lot of fun and great atmosphere, so we did it again last year.  Of course we wanted to do it again this year, but things for me had changed. I still wanted to do it because of the atmosphere, neighborhood and the cool shirt-but planned to walk.  I told my pals that I was going to walk and they could all go run their little hearts out, but I haven't done much in the past 7 months, and haven't run since this last race.

Debby, Heidi and Kristin picked me up at 6:00 a.m. Saturday morning, which is a horrible thing on a weekend.  We got to the city and it was a lively morning!  Music blaring, colors of the celebration everywhere, pozole cooking in large pots.  Kind of made me want to move. Invigorating temperatures and a buzz in the air.  But no way was I going to run.  Debby and Kristin left to run, and Heidi and I were ready to walk.  Time came and we crossed the start line and I told Heidi I wanted to try to "run" for a couple of minutes.  I was thinking like 5 minutes before I was huffing and puffing and regretting it out of shear embarrassment for myself.  So I jogged...and kept going.  We were talking the whole time and wondering where the mile marker was because I now had to reach the one mile mark. I was now determined to make it that far. Then there it was.  I was doing okay, so I told Heidi I would try to get to the 2nd mile marker...little bit of discomfort here and there, but was feeling okay...kind of  happily surprising myself.  Then there it was...Now what? Give up? Not really in my blood, so I decided I would try to finish the race and if I started feeling like I was putting myself in any danger, I would stop.  It was getting longer, and we kept picking street signs for me to reach as goals. Heidi was my personal coach and motivator the whole time. She was encouraging me to keep going and fibbing that she saw the finish line. :)  Each time we made a goal she was right there helping me pick a new one.  It was awesome having her by my side!  When we finally turned the corner and saw the finish line I couldn't believe I had done it...I did not stop running the entire race and completed it!  Yeah me!  Dane asked me what place I came in... I said First Place for my category: Out of shape, insomniac radiation patient who recently finished chemo...he said, no...The Best Mom in the World category....

After the race festivities, we headed out for breakfast and a stop at favorite store before the drive to Madison.  Yep, the day had just begun...like years before with parties and overnights...this race day always seems to be a full one.  We got to Madison around 4 and checked in to the hotel and rested for a bit.  We were all tired for sure.  We needed to get that second or third wind...to continue our night.  We did a little shopping on State Street and then went out to a fabulous tapas meal...mmmm.  I had some sangria and it was wonderful.  It was great being out and feeling pretty damn good and normal.  I liked how I felt.  Gave me hope.  Then after dinner we literally walked next door to the Orpheum Theater to see...Chris Cornell's acoustic show! Whoo-hoo!!  We walked in at 7:30 and got great seats, yes seats, the whole thing was seating only.  The main floor were all folding chairs, those folks stood in line 3 hours prior to opening...no thanks.  The show was amazing. He sounded fantastic and looked even better...mmm.  He played a long show and was a perfect ending to a great day.

We were all pretty much toast by the time the show ended.  The hotel wasn't even a block away, we had stayed within two buildings for everything...Even though my body ached and I was done, I had a hard time falling asleep...had that stupid What does the Fox say song stuck in my head!  Why, not sure...

Today we got up and did a little shopping in Madison and then headed home. The rest of this day was grocery shopping and what not. I am busted tired, but still going... I have a renewed sense of self coming on...between last week and this weekend, I am starting to see myself on the road to Donnanne.  I know this road won't be easy, none of this has, but I am not giving up on me.  I have a lot going on in the next couple of weeks to continue the upswing towards physical and mental health.  Go me! 

 

Saturday or Bust!

TGIF-I guess, although most days seem about the same to me...the TGIF in this case is that I get two days off of zapping-that's needed. I can feel a bit of tightness, either I need to stretch more or the skin is tightening. Who knows, this body is a wreck! I am trying so hard to fix it too....I will get there, that is the plan and goal.  My "let's get this Donnanne back in order plan" is fully underway.  Next week I have the naprapath and a therapist to dump some of the garbage that is getting in my way.  I think yoga is in there, along with Herceptin and Dane's parent teacher conference...oh wait, those last two are not that fun.

Tonight we went out for pizza and came home and chilled. I am getting up early tomorrow to do the Race of the Dead, a Dia de los Muertos-Day of the Dead race in Pilsen.  I have done this race twice before, ran both (if you call what I did running).  It was actually my first race.  I didn't do that bad really.  I am however, not running tomorrow. I just can't. I wish I could push myself to do it, but it is not worth it and I am not ready at all. The walk that early and in the cold will be enough for me I am sure.  I am a 43 year old woman stuck in a mangled creaky body...she needs to get out but slowly.  After the race we are headed to Madison for an overnight and concert.  Should be fun, hope I can keep up.  Scares me that I can't.  Scares me that I can't be fun anymore. I hope I am still fun and can have fun.  If that is taken away too, I will be sad, very, very sad.  I guess I will find out soon enough.

Just about to head up and finish packing my overnight bag. We are going straight from Chicago to Madison, so we have to take what we need at 6:00 a.m. and  hope it is all there. I plan on getting up around 5:56, since I have the easiest hair ever...maybe I will just sleep in my clothes....even easier.

Such a slacker I am