At 7:40 a.m. I was being patted on the head to wake up. This was the negotiated time Marley and I made the night before. She was punctual and jacked up on an Easter high. No matter how tired, sore or slow, I had no choice in getting up! Watching the kids go through the house finding eggs and their baskets brought me a lot of happiness. It was a normal Easter morning in the Marvin house. I actually felt pretty good. My arm hurt less than usual in the morning, maybe because there was so much happiness in the house-or maybe I am healing. We poked around for while, played, and got ready to go to grandma's house for Easter. I felt pretty good in some new clothes, even though they hung on my torso awkwardly. I used to have the problem of not being able to wear button downs because I couldn't get them across the chest, now everything is droopy. Oh well. I had bright colors on and I was fairly clean. It was nice taking a car ride, about an hour. Just being out and about like normal.
We had a nice Easter and the kids were all happy and it was another safe place for me to be. I like safe places. Brad's family is very supportive and I was comfortable sharing all of my thoughts and feelings with them. I am finding that being open and honest is way more liberating than hiding, being ashamed or overly caring about the physical aspect of the new me. I am sure my boldness takes some people off guard, but then again, it is me. On the way home I saw a random quote on a sign and I threw it in my phone : Inner beauty minus ego equals peace. I like that. I need to read that often. I like that I saw that. I was supposed to see that.
Overall a good day. I don't feel that well right now. I feel like I am having a hard time breathing in deep breaths. I took one bandage off for some relief, but not sure it helped. I am also having random feelings in my chest. Of course I think I am having a heart attack or something, but all of my innards are in tip top shape. Maybe I over did it? Brad thinks I keep forgetting to breathe. Maybe I am holding in some anxiety? Maybe I am getting some feeling back in my chest nerves and it feels odd.... I am not sure. Maybe I just need to go to bed.... Back to normal school hour routine, except for Brad. My night owl has to adjust to coming to bed earlier and getting up with the kids to see them off. Usually that is my job and he sleeps in. His time has come.... I am sure once I am healed more, he will go back to work (out of the house) and I will help the kiddos in the morning. I can't get to used to sleeping in, or going back to work next fall will be even harder!
I hope everyone had a great Easter or regular old Sunday! Tomorrow is a non pokey day, thank goodness. I have chemo class-that should be fun... I wonder if I can get some graduate credit for it. Tuesday is the two week surgery follow up, port procedure scheduling, and Mugga heart scan. We are thinking of sneaking a weekend up at the cabin before the chemo starts. We will not be taking big trips for awhile, and I don't know if I can even do the cabin while on chemo, I will ask. A few days of nature always makes us really happy. I like happy.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Just another Saturday
Yesterday was quite a day. It pretty much wiped me out mentally. There was so much information to take in and process, unbelievable. I would have to say today was 100% better. Maybe it was because there were no IV's, no information, no doctors...just a "normal" Saturday. Again I woke early to think nothing had changed, until I moved. It is that wonderful, blissful 2 minutes that I wake and feel absolutely normal. I wonder how long that will last. I hear I will be accustomed to a new normal in a few weeks. I liked my abnormal normal...
The first think I knew I had to do was face the music with the bandages. I wanted them changed, I wanted my back washed, I had to look. I asked Brad if he was ready, and his new cheesy slogan is, "I'm in it to win it". Not sure what he is winning, but it is really funny and stupid. Both of which I appreciate. I got my back washed, which felt so good. As you know that I am grungy, crunchy girl, who BY CHOICE, can go without showering for camping etc., but as soon as you tell me I can't shower....Ew....I don't like it one bit. I am hoping that I get the shower permissionTuesday. I am going to stand there with a ton of soap and hot water...Oh, I can almost feel it..... I unwrapped and held a towel across myself because I wasn't ready for full frontal... I peaked, then I did it. I showed Brad and we both were like, Eh. He wanted to know if I had tape or steristrips, and I poked at my numb, extra chicken skin. It felt odd. I didn't drop to the ground crying or anything. We just kind of looked, and wrapped me back up. It was less emotionally eventful than I thought. Thank goodness. I also realized those beasts were trying to kill me. No need for that here. Very rational. Brad told me he would rather have me like this than the alternative. I think it natural for any woman to feel self conscious and worry whether or not their partner will still find them attractive after they lose a womanly identifier. I am going to put that worry and issue on the back burner. I have a good man. Plus, maybe I can get him new boobs for Christmas....
I dressed, I made breakfast. Granted I had to have Dane reach everything for me, but I made Swedish pancakes and felt like mom on a normal Saturday. I went for a walk around the block several times with Patty and just enjoyed being outside and in a safe place. Then I went out in public, Oooh, public.... I know everyone who has seen me says you can't tell anything, I now look like any other woman who isn't busty. But I can tell. I feel like everyone is looking at me, but I realize they are not. Kristin took me Easter shopping for the kids, some shirt shopping for me and then we went out and had a beer at a bar.... It was really nice being normal. I am really still me. I plan to still have fun, be obnoxious and enjoy my life. The only thing that is different is my interest in planning. I love to plan, but can't because my next year is kind of laid out for me. I have no known cancer in my body, I am not sick. I am going to take this chemotherapy to knock out all possibilities so I can live until I am 86. (since this is my unwilling mid life crisis, that is my time, I am okay with that). It completely sucks. That is a given. I have a very good attitude towards nailing this MF, and I will do it with the support of my friends, family, humor, fairies, my mom, my strong body and my inner strength.
I am going to color Easter eggs with the kids and enjoy what I have. I have hope and a fighting chance.
The first think I knew I had to do was face the music with the bandages. I wanted them changed, I wanted my back washed, I had to look. I asked Brad if he was ready, and his new cheesy slogan is, "I'm in it to win it". Not sure what he is winning, but it is really funny and stupid. Both of which I appreciate. I got my back washed, which felt so good. As you know that I am grungy, crunchy girl, who BY CHOICE, can go without showering for camping etc., but as soon as you tell me I can't shower....Ew....I don't like it one bit. I am hoping that I get the shower permissionTuesday. I am going to stand there with a ton of soap and hot water...Oh, I can almost feel it..... I unwrapped and held a towel across myself because I wasn't ready for full frontal... I peaked, then I did it. I showed Brad and we both were like, Eh. He wanted to know if I had tape or steristrips, and I poked at my numb, extra chicken skin. It felt odd. I didn't drop to the ground crying or anything. We just kind of looked, and wrapped me back up. It was less emotionally eventful than I thought. Thank goodness. I also realized those beasts were trying to kill me. No need for that here. Very rational. Brad told me he would rather have me like this than the alternative. I think it natural for any woman to feel self conscious and worry whether or not their partner will still find them attractive after they lose a womanly identifier. I am going to put that worry and issue on the back burner. I have a good man. Plus, maybe I can get him new boobs for Christmas....
I dressed, I made breakfast. Granted I had to have Dane reach everything for me, but I made Swedish pancakes and felt like mom on a normal Saturday. I went for a walk around the block several times with Patty and just enjoyed being outside and in a safe place. Then I went out in public, Oooh, public.... I know everyone who has seen me says you can't tell anything, I now look like any other woman who isn't busty. But I can tell. I feel like everyone is looking at me, but I realize they are not. Kristin took me Easter shopping for the kids, some shirt shopping for me and then we went out and had a beer at a bar.... It was really nice being normal. I am really still me. I plan to still have fun, be obnoxious and enjoy my life. The only thing that is different is my interest in planning. I love to plan, but can't because my next year is kind of laid out for me. I have no known cancer in my body, I am not sick. I am going to take this chemotherapy to knock out all possibilities so I can live until I am 86. (since this is my unwilling mid life crisis, that is my time, I am okay with that). It completely sucks. That is a given. I have a very good attitude towards nailing this MF, and I will do it with the support of my friends, family, humor, fairies, my mom, my strong body and my inner strength.
I am going to color Easter eggs with the kids and enjoy what I have. I have hope and a fighting chance.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Numb
Breathe. I once again forgot how to breathe again. Good thing Brad is here. I think today was harder than finding out I had BC in the first place. I was a nervous wreck going to the oncologist and to be honest, now at 6:30 I am still numb. The amount of information that was given to us today was unbelievable and overwhelming. The doctor was very nice, and stopped each time I became a crying zombie. Brad asked all the questions I had and more.
Here's the deal. I got good and other news. Let's start good. The CT scan was negative for any indication of spreading to any of my organs. That is good news, and I am clinging to that-trust me. The other news. They staged me at 3, which I don't like because it is closer to the, Youre' Screwed staging. They staged me a 3 due to the size of the tumor and the large amount of lymph nodes that were positive. There were so many I cannot bring it to put the number on this blog. In fact, I didn't even know we had that many. Makes me sick. I do have to thank my nodes for doing an excellent job of holding the crap cells and not allowing them to break free and spread into my body. This disease is fast and aggressive and very hard to detect, I got lucky, really, really lucky. The bilateral mastectomy and node removal removed all of the cancer known in my body. However, there could be cancer cells floating around ready to attack, therefore putting me into the mega treatment to knock any of those little fuckers. The lobular carcinoma is a tricky beast. It comes from nowhere and is hard to detect and often it is too late. Brad asked what would have happened if this was found next year. It would have been too late. Digest that. I can't. Each time I say it or think about it I start to cry. Do I cry because I am so relieved that it was found or because my mortality was seriously at stake and I was clueless. I have been so ridiculously proactive. Mammos every 6 month or a year as suggested. I think I got really lucky, really, really lucky. She said this probably came between mammograms. Crap.
I also have other categories within the type of cancer, but all of that is on a paper downstairs. One is good, one isn't and includes a year long medication for that. I am not hiding anything, I just don't want to go get the paper to spell it correctly.
Overall I am in it for the long haul. In a nutshell, I am, will have been, slashed, burned and chemically peeled from the inside out by the time I am done with this. I hope my body can take this abuse, good thing I am healthy. A healthy cancer patient, what an oxymoron...
Next steps. Monday I have chemotherapy class. Doesn't that sound like fun? Oddly enough, last night I dreamt that I was going to have to go to a Chemo101 class, and there it is today. I have to tell you things are weird for me in that way. I have done NO research online looking up cancer or anything besides reconstructive surgery and prosthesis, nothing. So when these little coincidences happen, it is really kinda freaky. Tuesday, I see the surgeon, we will check on my recovery and give me exercises to get my arm and shoulder mobile soon. Since the drain removal, I am in a lot of pain under the left arm and really would like to get normal range of motion back. We will also schedule another outpatient surgery for later next week or earlier in the following week to put in a port. Yeah! I love the idea of a port. Not. Tuesday I also get another damn IV for a Mugga (sp?) test to make sure my heart can handle the chemotherapy. Then I get a few days off. I will be drinking margaritas and whooping it up...yeah right. Friday, April 12, I get my first chemotherapy session. I will find out on Monday how long it will be, but it is anywhere from 1.5-5 hours long. Awesome. I will then do this treatment which is a combo drug for 12 weeks, four sessions. Each off week I will go for blood work to make sure my white blood count is healthy. I need to keep my immune system strong. During this first round, these drugs will cause hair loss, fatigue and sometimes nausea, but they have that pretty much under control she said. Then after this 12 week round, I drop to another 12 weeks, but weekly. That is 24 weeks of chemotherapy. Wrap your head around that. We're not done.... then it will be 7 weeks of radiation everyday- five days a week, yep! Everyday Monday thru Friday.... After that I will still be taking or doing another drug for a year, and then another drug, for the next 5 years. Hard to digest reading it, try living it! I am not sure what to do next. I know what I HAVE to do, but how do I stay positive? How do I face all of this? My life has changed. I don't want to change. I loved my life the way it was. I will stay positive, I know I will for the most part. I TRULY believe if this was supposed to kill me, it wouldn't have been found. It was so close to not being found that it is frightening. I have to live my motto of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger. Well, I plan on being one tough mother when this is done.
We left there and the sun was out, a warm welcome. We went to lunch and I had a beer, it was mighty tasty. I would have liked to laugh at lunch, but I was just too overwhelmed. We came home and sat in the sun. Jason came over with his dog and we watched them play and get muddy. Later Karen and Debby stopped by and I filled them in-hard to talk about without crying. I am sitting here numb in the brain and trying to figure out my next move. I am trying to continue to remember to be brave and to be strong. I am a fighter, I am a strong willed person, I am going to beat this and look back at this as a really sucky year in my life. I got a letter from a teacher friend yesterday that I had to read again today. She said that her mother was diagnosed with BC at the age of 43 also, and last week they celebrated her 88th birthday. I am hopeful. I am very, very hopeful. It was caught for a reason. Thank you Mom!!!
Here's the deal. I got good and other news. Let's start good. The CT scan was negative for any indication of spreading to any of my organs. That is good news, and I am clinging to that-trust me. The other news. They staged me at 3, which I don't like because it is closer to the, Youre' Screwed staging. They staged me a 3 due to the size of the tumor and the large amount of lymph nodes that were positive. There were so many I cannot bring it to put the number on this blog. In fact, I didn't even know we had that many. Makes me sick. I do have to thank my nodes for doing an excellent job of holding the crap cells and not allowing them to break free and spread into my body. This disease is fast and aggressive and very hard to detect, I got lucky, really, really lucky. The bilateral mastectomy and node removal removed all of the cancer known in my body. However, there could be cancer cells floating around ready to attack, therefore putting me into the mega treatment to knock any of those little fuckers. The lobular carcinoma is a tricky beast. It comes from nowhere and is hard to detect and often it is too late. Brad asked what would have happened if this was found next year. It would have been too late. Digest that. I can't. Each time I say it or think about it I start to cry. Do I cry because I am so relieved that it was found or because my mortality was seriously at stake and I was clueless. I have been so ridiculously proactive. Mammos every 6 month or a year as suggested. I think I got really lucky, really, really lucky. She said this probably came between mammograms. Crap.
I also have other categories within the type of cancer, but all of that is on a paper downstairs. One is good, one isn't and includes a year long medication for that. I am not hiding anything, I just don't want to go get the paper to spell it correctly.
Overall I am in it for the long haul. In a nutshell, I am, will have been, slashed, burned and chemically peeled from the inside out by the time I am done with this. I hope my body can take this abuse, good thing I am healthy. A healthy cancer patient, what an oxymoron...
Next steps. Monday I have chemotherapy class. Doesn't that sound like fun? Oddly enough, last night I dreamt that I was going to have to go to a Chemo101 class, and there it is today. I have to tell you things are weird for me in that way. I have done NO research online looking up cancer or anything besides reconstructive surgery and prosthesis, nothing. So when these little coincidences happen, it is really kinda freaky. Tuesday, I see the surgeon, we will check on my recovery and give me exercises to get my arm and shoulder mobile soon. Since the drain removal, I am in a lot of pain under the left arm and really would like to get normal range of motion back. We will also schedule another outpatient surgery for later next week or earlier in the following week to put in a port. Yeah! I love the idea of a port. Not. Tuesday I also get another damn IV for a Mugga (sp?) test to make sure my heart can handle the chemotherapy. Then I get a few days off. I will be drinking margaritas and whooping it up...yeah right. Friday, April 12, I get my first chemotherapy session. I will find out on Monday how long it will be, but it is anywhere from 1.5-5 hours long. Awesome. I will then do this treatment which is a combo drug for 12 weeks, four sessions. Each off week I will go for blood work to make sure my white blood count is healthy. I need to keep my immune system strong. During this first round, these drugs will cause hair loss, fatigue and sometimes nausea, but they have that pretty much under control she said. Then after this 12 week round, I drop to another 12 weeks, but weekly. That is 24 weeks of chemotherapy. Wrap your head around that. We're not done.... then it will be 7 weeks of radiation everyday- five days a week, yep! Everyday Monday thru Friday.... After that I will still be taking or doing another drug for a year, and then another drug, for the next 5 years. Hard to digest reading it, try living it! I am not sure what to do next. I know what I HAVE to do, but how do I stay positive? How do I face all of this? My life has changed. I don't want to change. I loved my life the way it was. I will stay positive, I know I will for the most part. I TRULY believe if this was supposed to kill me, it wouldn't have been found. It was so close to not being found that it is frightening. I have to live my motto of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger. Well, I plan on being one tough mother when this is done.
We left there and the sun was out, a warm welcome. We went to lunch and I had a beer, it was mighty tasty. I would have liked to laugh at lunch, but I was just too overwhelmed. We came home and sat in the sun. Jason came over with his dog and we watched them play and get muddy. Later Karen and Debby stopped by and I filled them in-hard to talk about without crying. I am sitting here numb in the brain and trying to figure out my next move. I am trying to continue to remember to be brave and to be strong. I am a fighter, I am a strong willed person, I am going to beat this and look back at this as a really sucky year in my life. I got a letter from a teacher friend yesterday that I had to read again today. She said that her mother was diagnosed with BC at the age of 43 also, and last week they celebrated her 88th birthday. I am hopeful. I am very, very hopeful. It was caught for a reason. Thank you Mom!!!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Thursday...
I am not fond of surprises and I guess I need to start accepting them. Today was my CT scan and I didn't know I had to drink a 32oz. big gulp of poison and then sit there for an hour. After over an hour they come get me and stick another IV in my arm and pump me with more die that makes you feel like you peed in your pants. The CT scan wasn't long, but another test. As soon as I was finished, I got in the car with Brad and I cried. I am sick of being poked and poisoned, and I have only just begun. Hit a low again. Tomorrow I go to the oncologist to find out results of pathology and the game plan for my treatment. I would say that I am almost more scared of this appointment than finding out I had something in the first place. Another day and more information. I just want my normal life back.
I still hurt from the drains being removed, but am trying not to take any pain killers. I tried last night to sleep on the Norco, but was up all night. I couldn't get comfortable and my mind kept wandering. I was telling my sister in law Sheri, that all night I kept thinking of my mom and the radiologist that reread my MRI that found this crap and somehow believe they are connected. I feel like my mom was the one that wouldn't let the man sleep and kept bothering him to reread my films. I don't know, maybe I am off my rocker, but who knows. I would like to think my mom is looking out for me. I need a guardian angel.
My kids are not home, they went home with my brother and Sheri for a sleepover. Brad went to shoot and I finally turned on the tv. I turned on Spaced, which is one of the best shows ever, old, but good. I love Simon Pegg. I am afraid to go to bed because I want to sleep, I know that doesn't make sense, but I don't want to lie there and not sleep. I already did the insomnia thing, don't need to revisit. If I don't sleep my mind travels down some serious detrimental pathways. I would rather dream of rainbows and unicorns, but I am not sure that can happen without some narcotics involved.
I enjoyed the sun today, but it was robbed by the CT. I am hoping it is sunny tomorrow. I talked with some neighbors and Marty brought us dinner, I love my neighborhood! If you read this before 11:30 a.m., send some good wishes, vibes, prayers or whatever my way that I get good results and that my treatment and everything is as minimal as can be. I don't want any more surprises.
I still hurt from the drains being removed, but am trying not to take any pain killers. I tried last night to sleep on the Norco, but was up all night. I couldn't get comfortable and my mind kept wandering. I was telling my sister in law Sheri, that all night I kept thinking of my mom and the radiologist that reread my MRI that found this crap and somehow believe they are connected. I feel like my mom was the one that wouldn't let the man sleep and kept bothering him to reread my films. I don't know, maybe I am off my rocker, but who knows. I would like to think my mom is looking out for me. I need a guardian angel.
My kids are not home, they went home with my brother and Sheri for a sleepover. Brad went to shoot and I finally turned on the tv. I turned on Spaced, which is one of the best shows ever, old, but good. I love Simon Pegg. I am afraid to go to bed because I want to sleep, I know that doesn't make sense, but I don't want to lie there and not sleep. I already did the insomnia thing, don't need to revisit. If I don't sleep my mind travels down some serious detrimental pathways. I would rather dream of rainbows and unicorns, but I am not sure that can happen without some narcotics involved.
I enjoyed the sun today, but it was robbed by the CT. I am hoping it is sunny tomorrow. I talked with some neighbors and Marty brought us dinner, I love my neighborhood! If you read this before 11:30 a.m., send some good wishes, vibes, prayers or whatever my way that I get good results and that my treatment and everything is as minimal as can be. I don't want any more surprises.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
DrainsOut...ew,gross!
The drains are out. Thank goodness. That was just a little to up close and sci-fi for me. It really didn't hurt, it felt more creepy than anything else. I asked to see them, I was curious. They were pretty thick and holy. Kind of the width of speaker wire, and long. They went from below my rib up into my armpit area, and when she pulled them out I could feel them inside sliding out. Totally sci-fi gross... (but in a sick way kinda cool too). After she pulled the first one and carried it over to the counter I could feel blood dripping in a steady stream down my side. Then I started to think like Monty Python and pictured it spurting all over the place in full force. It made me laugh inside as she bandaged me up. (Yes, I do often think I am demented and sad...but social) (name that movie). I hurt kind worse now, all super sore under my armpits. I didn't take anything all day. I did just pop a couple Norco to help me sleep. I am hoping I can roll over a bit on my side and save my back, it is getting kind of stiff. Since Brad is a night owl, Marley has moved in as my sleeping buddy. She builds a fort every night while I am blogging, she is great company. Brad has to move her each night back to her bed. She is cozier anyway. Shhh....don't tell Brad. :)
I was out for a ride dropping Marley off to play with her cousins and the oncologist's office called and said they wanted a CT scan tomorrow before Friday's appointment. I kind of freaked again assuming that they are speculating that it has spread. After talking to a few people, I think it is to get a baseline for treatment and the next few years of my life. So that is on the plate for tomorrow. I won't be nervous, I have to remember that my blood work, chest xray and bone scan were all good. I am hanging in there.
Quieter day on the home front. Both kids were out today, I am glad they are keeping busy. Angie, a family friend stopped by for about an hour and we chatted. She has been a part of my family forever. My mom and her met in grade school and stayed friends forever. Her and her family gifted us several cleaning services, which is greatly appreciated and over generous. Family does not have to be blood. I try each blog to acknowledge people who stop by or bring food, but I want a disclaimer that most nights I am tired and blogging in bed, and would never want to forget anyone. I am doing my best.
As I get ready to go to bed I have to acknowledge two women I have never met as my new friends. One is a Tammy and the other Katie. Somehow I connected with both these women in interesting ways over the past week or so. Both of these amazing women have already done this shitty mess I am in, and have reached out to me even though they don't know me from Adam. I am hoping I come through this as positive and thoughtful as they are, reaching out to strangers in their time of need. I hope to continue to have these ladies on my team.
Makes me think. Marley and I watched a Tinkerbell movie tonight and she made me pinky promise to always believe in fairies. I made her pinky promise to always be my best friend. Maybe all the people in my life are my "fairies". In that case, I believe, I believe....
I was out for a ride dropping Marley off to play with her cousins and the oncologist's office called and said they wanted a CT scan tomorrow before Friday's appointment. I kind of freaked again assuming that they are speculating that it has spread. After talking to a few people, I think it is to get a baseline for treatment and the next few years of my life. So that is on the plate for tomorrow. I won't be nervous, I have to remember that my blood work, chest xray and bone scan were all good. I am hanging in there.
Quieter day on the home front. Both kids were out today, I am glad they are keeping busy. Angie, a family friend stopped by for about an hour and we chatted. She has been a part of my family forever. My mom and her met in grade school and stayed friends forever. Her and her family gifted us several cleaning services, which is greatly appreciated and over generous. Family does not have to be blood. I try each blog to acknowledge people who stop by or bring food, but I want a disclaimer that most nights I am tired and blogging in bed, and would never want to forget anyone. I am doing my best.
As I get ready to go to bed I have to acknowledge two women I have never met as my new friends. One is a Tammy and the other Katie. Somehow I connected with both these women in interesting ways over the past week or so. Both of these amazing women have already done this shitty mess I am in, and have reached out to me even though they don't know me from Adam. I am hoping I come through this as positive and thoughtful as they are, reaching out to strangers in their time of need. I hope to continue to have these ladies on my team.
Makes me think. Marley and I watched a Tinkerbell movie tonight and she made me pinky promise to always believe in fairies. I made her pinky promise to always be my best friend. Maybe all the people in my life are my "fairies". In that case, I believe, I believe....
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Tuesday's Gone
I am thinking of taking this blog private soon. Once I do that means that only people I know will be able to view. I think everyone's initial shock is over, however it has all just begun for me. I won't do it yet, and I will need to know who wants to continue down this path with me. I think it will get ugly and more intimate, and I am not sure public is the right way for me to continue. I have some techie things I need to figure out first. I plan to continue this because it helps me. I reflect on my day, what went well, what my pitfalls are and the good things each day brings. I have kept journals before, but this time it seems to be really important.
Once again I woke thinking nothing was wrong. I moved and remembered. I wonder how long this will last, kind of annoying. I wonder what it will feel like when this is all over, when I have my new boobs (someday) and at least a decent head of short, red hair. Hopefully this will be sooner than later. Daily routine by me and Brad, I kind of enjoy the hair washing... glad I cut it short. :)
My cousin Carl is in town and came to spend the day with me. I really enjoy his company and it was a nice distraction. I tuned him and Brad out when they started arguing politics and started looking up bc resources. I am not sure what I need. There are a lot of things out there, how do you know where to start? There are some free resources for wigs, scarves, groups, etc... I feel like I should know what I need but don't. Brad has to remind me that I am still in recovery from surgery, and I need to chill. All I do is chill. I sit in a vegetative (Norco'd) state and do nothing. It is pathetic for me and I am annoyed. The only thing I do, when I have any form of interest is the zentangle doodling. Quite mind numbing and works well with the drugs. I need to watch The Wall or Clockwork Orange and enjoy this.
During Carl's visit, Jen came by with a homemade dinner (yummy!) and a visit, and Dana came in for a visit because the kids were playing. I love my neighborhood. Carl even commented on what a great place to live and how lucky I am to have all these friends around. He kept my mind pretty busy all day, then I drew, ate, and watched an episode of an ocean documentary with the kids. Overall an okay day.
Tomorrow Deb is going to take me to doc's office to have the drains removed. Thank goodness. I am so sick of these. They make me hurt, they make me hunch, they pinch and they need to go. When I was there yesterday she said not to worry about them hurting when they came out...okay, sure...they are sewn into my skin....hmmm. This will be worth the pain because I will be able to move freer. This means I can go for walks and start to sleep in other positions, which will be good for my back. Fingers crossed it goes smoothly.
Marley asked if she could help me tonight. I asked if she was okay to see the drains and she said yes, I think she was curious. I let her help me into the shirt I sleep in. She looked at the drains and told me I could be clown and pretended to honk the drains like a horn and made a goofy little noise. I thought I was going to blow the stitches laughing. That's my mini-me!
p.s. anyone notice that the last three titles are songs? Aren't I clever...
Once again I woke thinking nothing was wrong. I moved and remembered. I wonder how long this will last, kind of annoying. I wonder what it will feel like when this is all over, when I have my new boobs (someday) and at least a decent head of short, red hair. Hopefully this will be sooner than later. Daily routine by me and Brad, I kind of enjoy the hair washing... glad I cut it short. :)
My cousin Carl is in town and came to spend the day with me. I really enjoy his company and it was a nice distraction. I tuned him and Brad out when they started arguing politics and started looking up bc resources. I am not sure what I need. There are a lot of things out there, how do you know where to start? There are some free resources for wigs, scarves, groups, etc... I feel like I should know what I need but don't. Brad has to remind me that I am still in recovery from surgery, and I need to chill. All I do is chill. I sit in a vegetative (Norco'd) state and do nothing. It is pathetic for me and I am annoyed. The only thing I do, when I have any form of interest is the zentangle doodling. Quite mind numbing and works well with the drugs. I need to watch The Wall or Clockwork Orange and enjoy this.
During Carl's visit, Jen came by with a homemade dinner (yummy!) and a visit, and Dana came in for a visit because the kids were playing. I love my neighborhood. Carl even commented on what a great place to live and how lucky I am to have all these friends around. He kept my mind pretty busy all day, then I drew, ate, and watched an episode of an ocean documentary with the kids. Overall an okay day.
Tomorrow Deb is going to take me to doc's office to have the drains removed. Thank goodness. I am so sick of these. They make me hurt, they make me hunch, they pinch and they need to go. When I was there yesterday she said not to worry about them hurting when they came out...okay, sure...they are sewn into my skin....hmmm. This will be worth the pain because I will be able to move freer. This means I can go for walks and start to sleep in other positions, which will be good for my back. Fingers crossed it goes smoothly.
Marley asked if she could help me tonight. I asked if she was okay to see the drains and she said yes, I think she was curious. I let her help me into the shirt I sleep in. She looked at the drains and told me I could be clown and pretended to honk the drains like a horn and made a goofy little noise. I thought I was going to blow the stitches laughing. That's my mini-me!
p.s. anyone notice that the last three titles are songs? Aren't I clever...
Monday, March 25, 2013
Just Another Manic Monday....
I wish the weather would perk up. I am not a fan of dreary days while feeling like a helpless lump. This morning we decided that is was probably best to go to have the nurse change my bandages. I knew I wasn't ready and I just needed it to be done right. I think I will be able to do it once the drains are out. I kind of don't want to see what I look like with those Coma tubes hooked up to me...I have seen too many movies and have an active imagination.
Deb took me for the bandage change out. The nurse who has been through this with me from the start was there to do it. She talked to me the whole time, giving me support and telling me how good everything looked. There was a moment when I was unbandaged and she left the room, I sneaked a peak. I just looked down. I saw flatness and some scarring. I didn't look long. I wasn't in shock. It wasn't a full frontal image. It was kind of what I expected. The weird part is that I felt so empty. I felt so light. That was strange feeling, plus what I have left is all numb. I got a little woozy, I think the drugs I took right before kicked in, needed water. No early drain removal, Wednesday.
Attempted nap. Didn't work. :( Did some zentangle drawings. Had a few visitors, Stephanie bearing a smoothie and Cheri returning Marley from a shrinky dink play date. It is great to see people, and ease into my new body. I am so lucky that I am not freaking out and hiding. I think someone without the support could easily get into a really bad funk with this situation. This is some heavy shit and either my drugs are good, or I really am as strong as all you say I am. Jane brought by the cutest mail order gift, it is called a Spoonful of Comfort. It is a big homemade jar of fresh chicken noodle soup, yummy rolls and cookies, a ladle and tea. It is a warm hug in a box. Some of the proceeds from the purchase of these care packages go to the American Cancer Society. So when you think of a loved one across the country, think of chicken soup delivered to their door. It was a wonderful dinner, warmed my heart and nourished my belly. Big Hug!
The day was uneventful, so that is good I guess. The weather sucked and my situation still sucks. I am sad that I am not in Quebec City and sitting around my house all mangled and gross. I have mini pity parties during the day, but then I suck it up because what is the point of feeling sorry for myself.
Deb took me for the bandage change out. The nurse who has been through this with me from the start was there to do it. She talked to me the whole time, giving me support and telling me how good everything looked. There was a moment when I was unbandaged and she left the room, I sneaked a peak. I just looked down. I saw flatness and some scarring. I didn't look long. I wasn't in shock. It wasn't a full frontal image. It was kind of what I expected. The weird part is that I felt so empty. I felt so light. That was strange feeling, plus what I have left is all numb. I got a little woozy, I think the drugs I took right before kicked in, needed water. No early drain removal, Wednesday.
Attempted nap. Didn't work. :( Did some zentangle drawings. Had a few visitors, Stephanie bearing a smoothie and Cheri returning Marley from a shrinky dink play date. It is great to see people, and ease into my new body. I am so lucky that I am not freaking out and hiding. I think someone without the support could easily get into a really bad funk with this situation. This is some heavy shit and either my drugs are good, or I really am as strong as all you say I am. Jane brought by the cutest mail order gift, it is called a Spoonful of Comfort. It is a big homemade jar of fresh chicken noodle soup, yummy rolls and cookies, a ladle and tea. It is a warm hug in a box. Some of the proceeds from the purchase of these care packages go to the American Cancer Society. So when you think of a loved one across the country, think of chicken soup delivered to their door. It was a wonderful dinner, warmed my heart and nourished my belly. Big Hug!
The day was uneventful, so that is good I guess. The weather sucked and my situation still sucks. I am sad that I am not in Quebec City and sitting around my house all mangled and gross. I have mini pity parties during the day, but then I suck it up because what is the point of feeling sorry for myself.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
SundayBloodySunday......
I couldn't sleep last night. I am not sure why, but I couldn't. I took the Norco that usually makes me sleepy, but this time it didn't. I couldn't get comfortable and just couldn't snooze. I woke Brad at 7 to help me and take more meds and went back to sleep. I am sick of these drains. I find them to be the most painful thing of this recovery. Everything else has no feeling. The drains are sewn into my skin to stay. Brad offered to show me via pic this morning, and I chose not to look. Brad is much more comfortable at helping me, he needed to do the initial one and now he is okay. I cry when he is washing me up, I am not that thrilled with my ace bandage tube top. He said I am not that different, I am like the DonnanneLite or Donnanne2.0 version right now...I will get my upgrade. He washed my hair and I felt semi-human for the day.
Day proceeded to be gloomy. Kids had meltdowns and Marley was continuing to be angry at me and the world. I told her to take out some anger on pillows or bears and she did, but there is a lot of pent up confusion and sadness in there. That breaks my heart. I want to help her. What I want more than anything is to hug her. We are into hugging when someone feels bad or sad. I can't really hug. My arms are lame, my warmth is gone and I am not very huggable at the moment. Sad. Marley told me that I looked and acted fine and that she was a little mad that she had to do more and I was okay. I guess I am fooling some people. I know this is not how it should be. Something has to happen. Cancelled a visit because the house was a mental wreck. Couldn't do it.
Nap happened. Kids played with their friends. Then Kristin came by with a Zentangle meditation art kit. Very cool. This may help because I have already found myself bored. I have no interest in anything right now. I have not turned on the tv once. Not even in the hospital. I have watched nothing. I have read nothing. I am not even interested in surfing the net or looking on Pinterest. I have no interest in anything except healing and moving on. Maybe the meditative doodling will help.
Shannon brought us a wonderful dinner of ribs, chicken, lamb cake, salad and a whole lot more! Way too generous! It was delicious and easy for us. Thank you! The kids had friends over while Karen and I chatted. We talked about all this crap and what is in store. We sat by the fire and chilled. I am so lucky that I don't have to put makeup on and be worried about how I look right now, I don't have that energy. I did put my earrings and rings back on today. Slowly. While Karen and I were talking I got an itch. I got an itch inside my ace tube top. I tried to scratch over it, but that was nothing at all. Then I thought I would try to reach in for a quick scratch. I barely made it in there with a finger and all I could feel is flesh and bone. I kind of freaked. Karen said I looked mortified. I was. The itch would have to stay there. I am afraid for what is to come. Tomorrow the bandages need to be changed. Do I go to the doctor's office and have them do it? Do I have Brad do it and not look? Do I do it with him and face it? I have no idea what to do.
Marley is laying next to me in Brad's spot. We had a talk. She has more information on what is going on and what has happened. She has an idea of what could happen with certain medicine. She knows about the drains, and even told me she could help me with them or help me get dressed, whatever I needed. My Marley is on her way back. She said she had a friend say that he knows what is going on with me, but his mom threatened his life if he said it to her. She also said she knows that moms are telling their kids to "be nice". She said it was obvious. Smart. She just asked me how they took them off? I told her I didn't know. She also wanted to know what they did with them, did they put them on a plate? "Two boobs on a plate?" I looked at her and laughed. Mini-me is back. I am going to sleep better tonight knowing she is on the mend. The best was, she asked '"Does Dad know all of this?"
The world is a better place when you know your children are safe and sound, both physically and mentally.
Day proceeded to be gloomy. Kids had meltdowns and Marley was continuing to be angry at me and the world. I told her to take out some anger on pillows or bears and she did, but there is a lot of pent up confusion and sadness in there. That breaks my heart. I want to help her. What I want more than anything is to hug her. We are into hugging when someone feels bad or sad. I can't really hug. My arms are lame, my warmth is gone and I am not very huggable at the moment. Sad. Marley told me that I looked and acted fine and that she was a little mad that she had to do more and I was okay. I guess I am fooling some people. I know this is not how it should be. Something has to happen. Cancelled a visit because the house was a mental wreck. Couldn't do it.
Nap happened. Kids played with their friends. Then Kristin came by with a Zentangle meditation art kit. Very cool. This may help because I have already found myself bored. I have no interest in anything right now. I have not turned on the tv once. Not even in the hospital. I have watched nothing. I have read nothing. I am not even interested in surfing the net or looking on Pinterest. I have no interest in anything except healing and moving on. Maybe the meditative doodling will help.
Shannon brought us a wonderful dinner of ribs, chicken, lamb cake, salad and a whole lot more! Way too generous! It was delicious and easy for us. Thank you! The kids had friends over while Karen and I chatted. We talked about all this crap and what is in store. We sat by the fire and chilled. I am so lucky that I don't have to put makeup on and be worried about how I look right now, I don't have that energy. I did put my earrings and rings back on today. Slowly. While Karen and I were talking I got an itch. I got an itch inside my ace tube top. I tried to scratch over it, but that was nothing at all. Then I thought I would try to reach in for a quick scratch. I barely made it in there with a finger and all I could feel is flesh and bone. I kind of freaked. Karen said I looked mortified. I was. The itch would have to stay there. I am afraid for what is to come. Tomorrow the bandages need to be changed. Do I go to the doctor's office and have them do it? Do I have Brad do it and not look? Do I do it with him and face it? I have no idea what to do.
Marley is laying next to me in Brad's spot. We had a talk. She has more information on what is going on and what has happened. She has an idea of what could happen with certain medicine. She knows about the drains, and even told me she could help me with them or help me get dressed, whatever I needed. My Marley is on her way back. She said she had a friend say that he knows what is going on with me, but his mom threatened his life if he said it to her. She also said she knows that moms are telling their kids to "be nice". She said it was obvious. Smart. She just asked me how they took them off? I told her I didn't know. She also wanted to know what they did with them, did they put them on a plate? "Two boobs on a plate?" I looked at her and laughed. Mini-me is back. I am going to sleep better tonight knowing she is on the mend. The best was, she asked '"Does Dad know all of this?"
The world is a better place when you know your children are safe and sound, both physically and mentally.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Full Day Home...
Made it through the day. It was pretty okay as far as I could imagine. I stayed in pretty good spirits most of the day and only had a few moments where I could have lost it. After breakfast and dealing with arguing kids, they both went to play with their pals. I took my meds and zonked on the couch for a bit. When I awoke, it was sunny and beautiful so I decided to go sit on the porch and feel the warmth of the sun. I had a manageable steady stream of neighbors visiting and Renee dropped off some yummy soup for dinner. It was nice being outside and just chatting with friends. I thought I was going to feel awkward, but I didn't. I think it is awkward for everyone else also, but they go home thankful it isn't them. I have to continue to move forward and deal with awkward. The rest of the night was low key. Dinner, movie with Mars, Dane watched a movie with his friend and Brad doing his baseball draft in the office. Almost bedtime. Overall a successful first full day home. Things will get easier as I heal. I'll feel better when my drains are out. Until then, I am staying put, hiding from public...
My two concerns- Marley. She is getting a cold, but that isn't the biggest deal, we can keep germs away. My concern is that she is acting kind of odd towards me. She is acting cranky and short with me. She eyeballs me a little differently but cannot put words to what is wrong. I know I am reading into it more than I should. She just needs some time to adjust I am sure she will come around once she sees me a bit more mobile and normal. It is hard for me to have her be anything different than her wonderful, happy, goofy self.
The second things that is bothering me is the experience of the surgery itself. I am not sure I should share this, but it was really, really scary. It seems to pop into my head at random times so I am hoping if I let it go, it will leave me. After saying good bye and love you's to Brad and Kristin, they wheeled me down the hall to surgery. I was crying. I wasn't balling, but a steady weep. What I felt was complete lack of control and pure helplessness. I knew I couldn't get up and leave, but I knew that this wasn't a good scenario. I knew that they were going to remove my breasts, and at this point I had no way to stop them. They wheeled me into the operating room and all I could see were surgical implements. I saw shiny scalpels and bins and buckets. Everywhere I that I could see had something stainless steel and medical. It was like a surgical picnic setting and I was the main course. The weeping continued. Usually I would be okay, I could suck it up and be brave and put on a good show. I couldn't control the weeping this time. They had me move to the table and started putting my arms out on long tables to strap me down. All I could see now were lights and people and my steady weeping wouldn't stop. Fear. It was now pure fear. I could even smell my own fear. I was soon going to be out, exposed and people I don't know had free access to my body. They were going to do gross and disgusting things to me. I would wake up missing parts of me. I wept more. I felt helpless. I was helpless Arms strapped down. Then the oxygen mask came, breath in, breath in.... lights out.
This keeps popping into my head. I try to make it go away, but it doesn't. I know what they did to me. Well, not the exact process, and I haven't taken a look yet, but I get the general idea. Guess what, it totally freaks me out. I am scared of it even though it is done. I am mortified that I became a slab of flesh that was cut, scraped and who knows what else, and I had no clue. That is creepy to me. It bothers me. I am trying to work it out of my head and system. As soon as I hit publish, it hopefully will go away and not return. No room here for you scary memory... go away! Please go away!!!
My two concerns- Marley. She is getting a cold, but that isn't the biggest deal, we can keep germs away. My concern is that she is acting kind of odd towards me. She is acting cranky and short with me. She eyeballs me a little differently but cannot put words to what is wrong. I know I am reading into it more than I should. She just needs some time to adjust I am sure she will come around once she sees me a bit more mobile and normal. It is hard for me to have her be anything different than her wonderful, happy, goofy self.
The second things that is bothering me is the experience of the surgery itself. I am not sure I should share this, but it was really, really scary. It seems to pop into my head at random times so I am hoping if I let it go, it will leave me. After saying good bye and love you's to Brad and Kristin, they wheeled me down the hall to surgery. I was crying. I wasn't balling, but a steady weep. What I felt was complete lack of control and pure helplessness. I knew I couldn't get up and leave, but I knew that this wasn't a good scenario. I knew that they were going to remove my breasts, and at this point I had no way to stop them. They wheeled me into the operating room and all I could see were surgical implements. I saw shiny scalpels and bins and buckets. Everywhere I that I could see had something stainless steel and medical. It was like a surgical picnic setting and I was the main course. The weeping continued. Usually I would be okay, I could suck it up and be brave and put on a good show. I couldn't control the weeping this time. They had me move to the table and started putting my arms out on long tables to strap me down. All I could see now were lights and people and my steady weeping wouldn't stop. Fear. It was now pure fear. I could even smell my own fear. I was soon going to be out, exposed and people I don't know had free access to my body. They were going to do gross and disgusting things to me. I would wake up missing parts of me. I wept more. I felt helpless. I was helpless Arms strapped down. Then the oxygen mask came, breath in, breath in.... lights out.
This keeps popping into my head. I try to make it go away, but it doesn't. I know what they did to me. Well, not the exact process, and I haven't taken a look yet, but I get the general idea. Guess what, it totally freaks me out. I am scared of it even though it is done. I am mortified that I became a slab of flesh that was cut, scraped and who knows what else, and I had no clue. That is creepy to me. It bothers me. I am trying to work it out of my head and system. As soon as I hit publish, it hopefully will go away and not return. No room here for you scary memory... go away! Please go away!!!
Day 1 Morning
I survived my first night at home. As you know I wanted to stay in the hospital to protect myself from myself. The kids were happy I was home, but it was not that big of a deal. Now that I am here it is business as usual. They were arguing and not doing what they were supposed to, nothing has changed. That is good, but that is also why I wanted an extra night, so I wouldn't have to deal with that. Anyway, after a quick visit from Karen and Heidi, I went to bed around 8. I got a big flannel shirt of Brad's to wear to bed. I took some medication and wedged myself into my body pillows and fell fast asleep. I woke up in a sweat and a panic and called for Brad to get me more meds, I said he he forgot to wake me at midnight and give me the Norco, it was 3:45 a.m. He told me it was to early for more meds it was only 9:45and I have only been in bed a bit over an hour. Hmmm. He was right, and I was out of it! I ditched the flannel because I was roasting and found another shirt I can sleep in. The three drains make me have to wear an open front shirt. The drains will be removed on Wednesday, and then I can start wearing my t-shirts. My arms don't move normally anyway so I need the time.
I slept pretty soundly all night. Grateful for that. Out cold.
I woke and needed help. Brad wasn't there, I texted him, I called him, I called for anyone in the house....nobody....finally Dane came and I was already upset and asked where Dad was? Brad was just in the bathroom and I can't yell, so nobody heard my plea for help. It was a little unnerving.
The big thing of the morning was for me to feel clean. I needed to be scrubbed down a bit, because I cannot shower. I also had to empty drains and put antibiotic ointment on drain inserts. They told me what do about that, but didn't show me. I have lost all dignity and privacy and needed help. Anyone who knows Brad, knows he is not the medical kinda guy. He thought the drains were gross when he saw them in the hospital, so this was going to be a challenge.
I was able to wash from the waist down on my own without straining. Then Brad helped me with my shoulders, back and.....armpits. OMG! I was like a smelly European on a cross country train trip. I knew I stunk, but holy BO. He stepped up and did it, what a man! Then I emptied my drains. No biggie now, and he can even look at them. He said I looked like a Christmas tree.... Then I asked if he could change the drain bandages and put antibiotic ointment on the insert holes. He said he could do it. He sat, I stood. He did the first side and made it through. He was a little quiet so I kept asking if he was okay and he kept telling me to be quiet. Then we went the other side. I was starting to get woozy and needed to hold on to the wall. He was still doing a great job. He asked if I was okay and I said I feel lightheaded and nauseous. He told me that if I pass out he will pass out and then it will look like a murder suicide and be a big mess for the kids. It hurt to laugh. We did it. He did it! Kuddos to Brad stepping WAY out of his comfort zone this morning. He said the worst part of the whole thing was my stinking, smelly armpits...It was funny how far he kept his head away while washing...ha ha! He told me that someday I would be old and have to wash or wipe some of his grossness...EW! Paybacks are a bitch. :)
He is also making a giant breakfast for all of us while the kids are sorting laundry, playing and arguing. I have threatened to move to a hotel if they continue. Cheaper than a hospital room.
So far Day 1 at home is going as well as I could have expected. I have to curb the urge to clean or help. The kids need to behave better and not be so mean to each other-working on the guilt trip but not seeming to work.
I do not play lazy patient well... but I am trying...I am bored already.
I slept pretty soundly all night. Grateful for that. Out cold.
I woke and needed help. Brad wasn't there, I texted him, I called him, I called for anyone in the house....nobody....finally Dane came and I was already upset and asked where Dad was? Brad was just in the bathroom and I can't yell, so nobody heard my plea for help. It was a little unnerving.
The big thing of the morning was for me to feel clean. I needed to be scrubbed down a bit, because I cannot shower. I also had to empty drains and put antibiotic ointment on drain inserts. They told me what do about that, but didn't show me. I have lost all dignity and privacy and needed help. Anyone who knows Brad, knows he is not the medical kinda guy. He thought the drains were gross when he saw them in the hospital, so this was going to be a challenge.
I was able to wash from the waist down on my own without straining. Then Brad helped me with my shoulders, back and.....armpits. OMG! I was like a smelly European on a cross country train trip. I knew I stunk, but holy BO. He stepped up and did it, what a man! Then I emptied my drains. No biggie now, and he can even look at them. He said I looked like a Christmas tree.... Then I asked if he could change the drain bandages and put antibiotic ointment on the insert holes. He said he could do it. He sat, I stood. He did the first side and made it through. He was a little quiet so I kept asking if he was okay and he kept telling me to be quiet. Then we went the other side. I was starting to get woozy and needed to hold on to the wall. He was still doing a great job. He asked if I was okay and I said I feel lightheaded and nauseous. He told me that if I pass out he will pass out and then it will look like a murder suicide and be a big mess for the kids. It hurt to laugh. We did it. He did it! Kuddos to Brad stepping WAY out of his comfort zone this morning. He said the worst part of the whole thing was my stinking, smelly armpits...It was funny how far he kept his head away while washing...ha ha! He told me that someday I would be old and have to wash or wipe some of his grossness...EW! Paybacks are a bitch. :)
He is also making a giant breakfast for all of us while the kids are sorting laundry, playing and arguing. I have threatened to move to a hotel if they continue. Cheaper than a hospital room.
So far Day 1 at home is going as well as I could have expected. I have to curb the urge to clean or help. The kids need to behave better and not be so mean to each other-working on the guilt trip but not seeming to work.
I do not play lazy patient well... but I am trying...I am bored already.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Home
I am home. What an amazing world we live in when you can have a surgical procedure like I had and stay in the hospital for only two nights. Thank goodness for advancements in technology and medicine. Everyone at Rush-Copley was fantastic. They had the nicest nurses there to help me through the physical and emotional pain.
As much as I wanted to stay in the hospital, it is good to be home. I have to remember to do nothing. My limited mobility and pain should keep me in check. Being home means happier kids too. Marley was having a hard time with me being gone. Tonight she will be happy to lay with me. I bought three body pillows to make sleeping spaces in my bed. I can't get bumped or else I will scream. I could barely move in my hospital bed, it hurt so bad to shift and I couldn't put any pressure on my arms or hands. The other area that hurts the most is my upper chest wall. Breast tissue starts at the collarbone area, and she cleaned house there too. She was very thorough. I feel like I was beaten up. Talk about a helpless feeling.
I was really quite bummed about the reconstruction delay and the staging possibilities. I think I am on my road to acceptance now. The new boobs will come, just have to wait a bit and the healing now is going to be quicker. I met with a breast specialist today and she told me even if I was moved to a stage 3, it is curable and I could have a normal lifespan. We talked through that a bit and she made me feel a lot better. She lifted some doom and gloom.
My nurse wanted Brad to see how my drains work so he could help. I warned her that he is not a medical kinda guy. We showed him and he was all like, "yuck, ew".This was not unexpected, but made me sad because I also think it is gross but is attached to my body and I have no choice to take care of them and me. I don't know who will change my bandage on Monday. I am not sure I can do it myself. I don't think I can ask Brad, because I am afraid of how scary it is going to look. Debby said she could do it, but do I want her too? I just may go to the doc's office and have a nurse do it. I am chicken and don't want to expose my freakdom to my friends or husband just yet. This is the new emotional hole I will be digging out of. The physical pain is being masked by drugs, which I plan on taking until it stops feeling like someone is cutting my skin and pouring rubbing alcohol in an open wound.
I know a few friends were going to come by tonight to the hospital, but I beat you out of there. I think I am going to lay low tonight, go to bed early and get adjusted to my new "normal'.
Deb and Kristin stayed with us until I was checked out. I could not have done this without them. YOU ROCK! I couldn't have done any of this without all of my girlfriends!
All of your positive thoughts, prayers and jokes, got me though the surgery!!! THANK YOU! Next steps, heal physically and mentally, oncology and chemotherapy...phew...one day at a time....
As much as I wanted to stay in the hospital, it is good to be home. I have to remember to do nothing. My limited mobility and pain should keep me in check. Being home means happier kids too. Marley was having a hard time with me being gone. Tonight she will be happy to lay with me. I bought three body pillows to make sleeping spaces in my bed. I can't get bumped or else I will scream. I could barely move in my hospital bed, it hurt so bad to shift and I couldn't put any pressure on my arms or hands. The other area that hurts the most is my upper chest wall. Breast tissue starts at the collarbone area, and she cleaned house there too. She was very thorough. I feel like I was beaten up. Talk about a helpless feeling.
I was really quite bummed about the reconstruction delay and the staging possibilities. I think I am on my road to acceptance now. The new boobs will come, just have to wait a bit and the healing now is going to be quicker. I met with a breast specialist today and she told me even if I was moved to a stage 3, it is curable and I could have a normal lifespan. We talked through that a bit and she made me feel a lot better. She lifted some doom and gloom.
My nurse wanted Brad to see how my drains work so he could help. I warned her that he is not a medical kinda guy. We showed him and he was all like, "yuck, ew".This was not unexpected, but made me sad because I also think it is gross but is attached to my body and I have no choice to take care of them and me. I don't know who will change my bandage on Monday. I am not sure I can do it myself. I don't think I can ask Brad, because I am afraid of how scary it is going to look. Debby said she could do it, but do I want her too? I just may go to the doc's office and have a nurse do it. I am chicken and don't want to expose my freakdom to my friends or husband just yet. This is the new emotional hole I will be digging out of. The physical pain is being masked by drugs, which I plan on taking until it stops feeling like someone is cutting my skin and pouring rubbing alcohol in an open wound.
I know a few friends were going to come by tonight to the hospital, but I beat you out of there. I think I am going to lay low tonight, go to bed early and get adjusted to my new "normal'.
Deb and Kristin stayed with us until I was checked out. I could not have done this without them. YOU ROCK! I couldn't have done any of this without all of my girlfriends!
All of your positive thoughts, prayers and jokes, got me though the surgery!!! THANK YOU! Next steps, heal physically and mentally, oncology and chemotherapy...phew...one day at a time....
Going Home
They are kicking me out. I can walk around, eat and live without my IV button of narcotics so they say I can leave. I don't really want to leave. If I am here, I am protected from life. I am afraid to go home and start acting "normal". If I stay I am protected from myself....BUT they said that if I met the criteria, the insurance company could charge me for the stay and meds and it could cost me a fortune. Looks like I am going home.
Debby and Kristin and I had lunch in the atrium and Brad will be on his way shortly. I have to go over some papers and Brad gets a lesson on draining my tubes. He will most likely pass out, if so I promise to take a picture of him on the ground. :)
The doc came in to change my bandage, I didn't look. She said it looked beautiful and left me extra skin to make reconstruction easier. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She was looking at her own handiwork though. I told her I couldn't look, and she said that it is okay, and if couldn't wrap up I could go to the office and her nurses would do it. I think I will have to deal with it at some point.
Kristin and Debby washed my hair in the sink, after an epic fail of this "no water hair cap" Deb and I tried earlier.
I am still very uncomfortable, and will be for 1-2 weeks. I hope I heal fast so I can just move like a normal person. In my gown, with my greasy hair and sore gait, I looked just like a walker in the Walking Dead.....
Hanging out with the chicas until Brad gets here and then I can go. I am afraid to go home. I am afraid of a lot of things lately, damn.
Debby and Kristin and I had lunch in the atrium and Brad will be on his way shortly. I have to go over some papers and Brad gets a lesson on draining my tubes. He will most likely pass out, if so I promise to take a picture of him on the ground. :)
The doc came in to change my bandage, I didn't look. She said it looked beautiful and left me extra skin to make reconstruction easier. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She was looking at her own handiwork though. I told her I couldn't look, and she said that it is okay, and if couldn't wrap up I could go to the office and her nurses would do it. I think I will have to deal with it at some point.
Kristin and Debby washed my hair in the sink, after an epic fail of this "no water hair cap" Deb and I tried earlier.
I am still very uncomfortable, and will be for 1-2 weeks. I hope I heal fast so I can just move like a normal person. In my gown, with my greasy hair and sore gait, I looked just like a walker in the Walking Dead.....
Hanging out with the chicas until Brad gets here and then I can go. I am afraid to go home. I am afraid of a lot of things lately, damn.
This Sucks
I am in pain. This hurts more than yesterday, both physically and mentally. I went to bed when the kids left and slept on and off through the night until 4:30, when they came for vitals. Each time I woke I thought I was at home. I thought I heard Bosco, I thought an alarm clock for school was going off also. Then it sounded like a hotel when you have those early birds who talk at full volume in the hall. Unfortunately, each one of those were wrong. I woke up in my hospital bed covered in blankets to weigh me down. I don't know why I wanted so many, I think it was comforting..
I have no comfort this morning. Things are slowly coming to a head. They took my instant pain med box away, although I have more pain today than yesterday. I will have some pills I can take once my breakfast comes. Yippie. The pain is harsh stabbing and burning, only lasts a short time, but sucks. Sometimes if feels like there are little stitches or bubbles popping.
Doc is going to change my dressing today. I will not look. I don't think I can. I know I can be brave, but I am predicting a major meltdown, and that should be saved for home.
I know now I have to do chemo, details to come. I HAVE to stay at that Stage 2 so I can continue to have a fighting attitude. I don't need to be tested, of course I would fight at any stage, but I need a break.
I have said it before and I will say it again, I could not do this without my wonderful friends. I get texts, emails and comments on here and I am so grateful. I think there will be steady stream of buddies today too. Maybe one of them can wash my hair...Looks scary, glad I cut it off.
I don't know what today brings, it is only a bit after 8am, It is hard to type because of my limited mobility in my arms. I am like a T-Rex with only little arms that work. I will try to find some goodness in this day. It looks sunny out, that's a bonus. I hope I don't need an afternoon update...
I have no comfort this morning. Things are slowly coming to a head. They took my instant pain med box away, although I have more pain today than yesterday. I will have some pills I can take once my breakfast comes. Yippie. The pain is harsh stabbing and burning, only lasts a short time, but sucks. Sometimes if feels like there are little stitches or bubbles popping.
Doc is going to change my dressing today. I will not look. I don't think I can. I know I can be brave, but I am predicting a major meltdown, and that should be saved for home.
I know now I have to do chemo, details to come. I HAVE to stay at that Stage 2 so I can continue to have a fighting attitude. I don't need to be tested, of course I would fight at any stage, but I need a break.
I have said it before and I will say it again, I could not do this without my wonderful friends. I get texts, emails and comments on here and I am so grateful. I think there will be steady stream of buddies today too. Maybe one of them can wash my hair...Looks scary, glad I cut it off.
I don't know what today brings, it is only a bit after 8am, It is hard to type because of my limited mobility in my arms. I am like a T-Rex with only little arms that work. I will try to find some goodness in this day. It looks sunny out, that's a bonus. I hope I don't need an afternoon update...
Thursday, March 21, 2013
The Day After
So Deb and I take a walk back to the room to use the bathroom before we started a game of Uno. At the same time Karen and the doc came in. Karen excused herself and poor Deb got some news as I did.
She came to check on me, the pain, my gross drains and make sure she knew what she told Brad and I last night. Last night? I didn't even see her last night. She told me unfortunately that one of the nodes tested positive. Which automatically makes me a stage 2 and must have chemotherapy After the pathology of the other tissue, I could even be bumped to a 3, which is really scary. Each step decreases my survival rate. If I do chemo, which I will of course it increases. I know banking on getting a stage 1 was a pipe dream, but one never knows. Stage 2 is even manageable. Stage 3 is worse. I am not a 4, or there would be some indication of spreading in my blood-work or bone scan.
As I sat there zombielike, I listened and then I called Brad because he was coherent for this news last night. I can still beat this, I just get a heavy duty chemo and possibly radiation. So all of my chances to skate through this has fallen on thin ice. I knew chemo was on the table, so I shouldn't be shocked. I was just wanting a small miracle. I processed this with Debby and Karen and realize there is nothing I can do about it. Doc said chemo would most likely start around April 8th. I meet the oncologist on the 29th to plan the attack.
I am currently not worried about the lack of breasts I now have, but more worried about making sure this chemo works. Doc told me to eat, no dieting. She said the patients who do the best are ones' that are slightly overweight. I don't plan on gaining weight, or losing like I wanted to help proportion my new flat chest with my body. I have already lost about 3 pounds since yesterday...but that was mostly breast and lack of appetite.
Am I happy right now? No. I am sad. Brad and the kids are on their way. I need to stay strong and not let them see me depressed. Debby said that no matter what I do, it is always the hard way, but it always works out. I hope she is correct.
They will take my drug drip away tomorrow and medicate as needed with a pill. The pain really only occurs when I move. Which is just about doing anything. I want to wash my hair, and feel less gross. I still cannot fathom what has been done to me and what I am in store for in the following months. I predict that I will be okay with the healing and physical recovery. I am not so sure about the mental right now....
I walked away from post when kids came and now they are on their way home. Marley left in tears and wants me to home now. I told her I would be as soon as I could. To be honest, I am afraid to go home. I am afraid of a lot of things lately...I will just add that to my list.'
She came to check on me, the pain, my gross drains and make sure she knew what she told Brad and I last night. Last night? I didn't even see her last night. She told me unfortunately that one of the nodes tested positive. Which automatically makes me a stage 2 and must have chemotherapy After the pathology of the other tissue, I could even be bumped to a 3, which is really scary. Each step decreases my survival rate. If I do chemo, which I will of course it increases. I know banking on getting a stage 1 was a pipe dream, but one never knows. Stage 2 is even manageable. Stage 3 is worse. I am not a 4, or there would be some indication of spreading in my blood-work or bone scan.
As I sat there zombielike, I listened and then I called Brad because he was coherent for this news last night. I can still beat this, I just get a heavy duty chemo and possibly radiation. So all of my chances to skate through this has fallen on thin ice. I knew chemo was on the table, so I shouldn't be shocked. I was just wanting a small miracle. I processed this with Debby and Karen and realize there is nothing I can do about it. Doc said chemo would most likely start around April 8th. I meet the oncologist on the 29th to plan the attack.
I am currently not worried about the lack of breasts I now have, but more worried about making sure this chemo works. Doc told me to eat, no dieting. She said the patients who do the best are ones' that are slightly overweight. I don't plan on gaining weight, or losing like I wanted to help proportion my new flat chest with my body. I have already lost about 3 pounds since yesterday...but that was mostly breast and lack of appetite.
Am I happy right now? No. I am sad. Brad and the kids are on their way. I need to stay strong and not let them see me depressed. Debby said that no matter what I do, it is always the hard way, but it always works out. I hope she is correct.
They will take my drug drip away tomorrow and medicate as needed with a pill. The pain really only occurs when I move. Which is just about doing anything. I want to wash my hair, and feel less gross. I still cannot fathom what has been done to me and what I am in store for in the following months. I predict that I will be okay with the healing and physical recovery. I am not so sure about the mental right now....
I walked away from post when kids came and now they are on their way home. Marley left in tears and wants me to home now. I told her I would be as soon as I could. To be honest, I am afraid to go home. I am afraid of a lot of things lately...I will just add that to my list.'
Making the best of it....
Hello from the north wing of Rush-Copley. I am siting here looking out at the sunny day with Debby and Kristin having coffee, jello, lemon, fruit, yogurt and morphine. Watch out for Kristen and Deb, they are trying to steal my drugs.
Last night was kind of rough, I was in a lot of pain. The nurses here are wonderful and took good care of me. I feel the left underarm the most, stabbing pain. I also had to pee like 5 times, which was a huge ordeal. I was nauseated and I hurt bad. I did not cry. One of the worst things is my serious dry mouth. Take a good night partying and wake up with cotton mouth and multiply that by 100. It stinks because I didn't get the partying part of it all.
Because of the dry mouth they put a bubbling IV in my room, which was soothing but made me have to pee more. Geez.
My spirit today is okay. I am not looking at anything on my body that I don't need to right now. I am coming to terms that everything happens for a reason. My Fixer doc is in the hospital with influenza an pneumonia. He isn't faking to get out of work-and I do hope he gets well soon. It could have been really bad if he pushed himself to do my surgery and got me ill. He has sent messages apologizing. He is just a human being, can't be mad, just disappointed.
I am still dealing with everything up to this point and with my delay in reconstruction, but what choice do I have now? Makes me sick sometimes thinking about it. I am extremely nervous on how I will look. I am also extremely mad at myself for worrying about it so much. Why do I care so much? I am siting here with my friend, talking, the sun is out, I have good drugs (which you can tell from my horrid entry) and I am alive and good....did boobs make me who I am? No. I have this internal demon to face now.. I am not looking forward to my first shower. Since I haven't thrown up once in this ordeal, that may be the time. Maybe not, maybe I will okay...
That aside, I am in a nice atrium on my floor and Debby and I are going to do Mad Libs and play Uno. Karen is on her way. I love my friends. Brad will bring kids by later and I am grateful for the company. Overall, I am doing okay. Truly. I am even getting my sense of humor back. It was only lost for a day or so, but that was hard. I found no humor in the last two days. I am not rushing to go home though, I am afraid of home and that I will try to do to much, have to manage yucky mom stuff like laundry etc. Here I get to hang out with my pals and push the button.
Uno is calling... Love and Hugs and I'll back later.. All of your prayers and positive energy has been received.. Keep them coming so we can get good result that this monster is gone for good.
Last night was kind of rough, I was in a lot of pain. The nurses here are wonderful and took good care of me. I feel the left underarm the most, stabbing pain. I also had to pee like 5 times, which was a huge ordeal. I was nauseated and I hurt bad. I did not cry. One of the worst things is my serious dry mouth. Take a good night partying and wake up with cotton mouth and multiply that by 100. It stinks because I didn't get the partying part of it all.
Because of the dry mouth they put a bubbling IV in my room, which was soothing but made me have to pee more. Geez.
My spirit today is okay. I am not looking at anything on my body that I don't need to right now. I am coming to terms that everything happens for a reason. My Fixer doc is in the hospital with influenza an pneumonia. He isn't faking to get out of work-and I do hope he gets well soon. It could have been really bad if he pushed himself to do my surgery and got me ill. He has sent messages apologizing. He is just a human being, can't be mad, just disappointed.
I am still dealing with everything up to this point and with my delay in reconstruction, but what choice do I have now? Makes me sick sometimes thinking about it. I am extremely nervous on how I will look. I am also extremely mad at myself for worrying about it so much. Why do I care so much? I am siting here with my friend, talking, the sun is out, I have good drugs (which you can tell from my horrid entry) and I am alive and good....did boobs make me who I am? No. I have this internal demon to face now.. I am not looking forward to my first shower. Since I haven't thrown up once in this ordeal, that may be the time. Maybe not, maybe I will okay...
That aside, I am in a nice atrium on my floor and Debby and I are going to do Mad Libs and play Uno. Karen is on her way. I love my friends. Brad will bring kids by later and I am grateful for the company. Overall, I am doing okay. Truly. I am even getting my sense of humor back. It was only lost for a day or so, but that was hard. I found no humor in the last two days. I am not rushing to go home though, I am afraid of home and that I will try to do to much, have to manage yucky mom stuff like laundry etc. Here I get to hang out with my pals and push the button.
Uno is calling... Love and Hugs and I'll back later.. All of your prayers and positive energy has been received.. Keep them coming so we can get good result that this monster is gone for good.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Update
I'm out! I'm sore! I'm tired! Step one done! Family here and glad to see my kiddos. Looking forward to having my own morphine drip at home!
Transcribed by Renee
Transcribed by Renee
Messing with Donnanne
Well, here we are. Today is the day. She is in good spirits, only because of the Valium. A little terrified at first, but she is being her usual self. We are trying to keep her mind off stuff and keeping busy. We are in a room waiting for the radiologist to come and stick some needles in her nipples. So if you think you are having a boring day, enjoy it.
She is giggling at all the silly texts that are coming from friends, keep them coming. She has a good sense of humor and is grateful for everyone. She is laughing, which makes me feel better.
Both kids are off to school today, and let's hope they stay there all day. Sister-in-law, Renee, is catching the kids after school and will bring them to the hospital to visit.
We will keep you updated throughout the day.
I am not as charming and funny as Donnanne, but I can share information.
Kristin
She is giggling at all the silly texts that are coming from friends, keep them coming. She has a good sense of humor and is grateful for everyone. She is laughing, which makes me feel better.
Both kids are off to school today, and let's hope they stay there all day. Sister-in-law, Renee, is catching the kids after school and will bring them to the hospital to visit.
We will keep you updated throughout the day.
I am not as charming and funny as Donnanne, but I can share information.
Kristin
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Petrified
It is ten o'clock and I am truly freaking out. I am not running around my house or anything, but can't help the overwhelming feel of loss and dread. I am scared of surgery. Like now I am going to die due to some kink in a cord or something weird like that. Seriously can't go down that road, but who the heck is going to stop me? We watched a family movie and I tried to get kids to bed. Marley cuddled with me but she just cried and cried. If she cries, I have to cry silently or else it is worse. Kind of like a yawn, crying is contagious. Finally, I got her to go in her room and listen to Miles Davis to calm her nerves. I am not sure she will make it through the school day. I need to get a plan in place for that. She has Life Savers and asked if I could write a note that she could bring a stuffed animal to hug if she got sad. She may end up not going at all. Dane is singing Three Little Birds over and over. For those of you who don't know, that is one of my favorite Bob Marley songs I listen to just about everyday. "Don't worry about a thing, 'cuz every little things gonna be alright." You know the song. I love that song, positive, catchy.
My freak out is fear. Down right fear. We were watching a movie and Mars was resting her head on me, my chest. Where the kids could cozy up and be close. I am going to be flat. Flat chested. I won't have my warm hug anymore, it will feel empty. I am going to feel the loss of warmth not just breasts. I sat there and looked at my sweatshirt and almost got sick, thinking that there will be nothing there. Nothing. I won't even need to bring a bra to wear home. I will be ace bandaged like a boy in those Civil War photos. I am having a serious pity party. I am not inviting you, it is too depressing and it is dry. It is not because they are boobs as a sexy thing, it is because they are me. They are my warmth, they are my body and I am losing part of my identity. I feel that I will be a cold, unproportioned damaged being that will be sick when I look in the mirror. It is hard to stomach. Really hard.
I am going to try to sleep but I am not taking anything just in case I screw something up with that and can't do it, that would suck. I would need to be scraped off the floor. No food or water after midnight, didn't even have a beer because I thought the same thing, they would bust me. I am going to try to cold turkey it, not sure it it will work. I am going to cry. I am petrified. Marley asked if I had a choice to go tomorrow, and I said no I don't. Someday she will understand I am doing it for her and Dane and everyone else whom I love.
Signing off for now. I can do this. This is the first time I am typing that and not really believing my words. I have to find the good in this, I have to find the humor. So far nothing. The well is dry. Maybe somethings aren't that funny. I will work on that.
Good night, I love you all and be back tomorrow, or someone will for me with an update.
My freak out is fear. Down right fear. We were watching a movie and Mars was resting her head on me, my chest. Where the kids could cozy up and be close. I am going to be flat. Flat chested. I won't have my warm hug anymore, it will feel empty. I am going to feel the loss of warmth not just breasts. I sat there and looked at my sweatshirt and almost got sick, thinking that there will be nothing there. Nothing. I won't even need to bring a bra to wear home. I will be ace bandaged like a boy in those Civil War photos. I am having a serious pity party. I am not inviting you, it is too depressing and it is dry. It is not because they are boobs as a sexy thing, it is because they are me. They are my warmth, they are my body and I am losing part of my identity. I feel that I will be a cold, unproportioned damaged being that will be sick when I look in the mirror. It is hard to stomach. Really hard.
I am going to try to sleep but I am not taking anything just in case I screw something up with that and can't do it, that would suck. I would need to be scraped off the floor. No food or water after midnight, didn't even have a beer because I thought the same thing, they would bust me. I am going to try to cold turkey it, not sure it it will work. I am going to cry. I am petrified. Marley asked if I had a choice to go tomorrow, and I said no I don't. Someday she will understand I am doing it for her and Dane and everyone else whom I love.
Signing off for now. I can do this. This is the first time I am typing that and not really believing my words. I have to find the good in this, I have to find the humor. So far nothing. The well is dry. Maybe somethings aren't that funny. I will work on that.
Good night, I love you all and be back tomorrow, or someone will for me with an update.
My Decision
I have hit rock bottom at this point. My upbeat go get 'em attitude has been crushed. Hopefully it will only be temporary. I will be going through with the bilateral mastectomy tomorrow, WITHOUT the reconstruction. It is NOT what I wanted. In fact the stupid reconstruction was one of the major things holding my mental health together. Now, I am in a daze. I feel like crap and I am sad, very sad. The guy is sick in the hospital, not much I can do about that. They didn't say what was wrong because they believe in privacy, go figure. I hope he gets better soon.
I am angry too, why did this happen to me? I don't see this as a sign, nothing good is from doubling my whole "journey". I am not ready for this drastic change and now I feel like I am going to be a disfigured, damaged woman. I know this is offensive to many, but this is how I feel, not how I would feel about anyone else. I had a mindset, and now it has been erased. I am not digesting this well at this point. I am sure I will get there.
I don't see waiting over two weeks to do this all as a smart decision. I see this as a selfish decision and this is a test of my strength. How could I wait and find out then it spread but now have my new boobs? I could never live with myself, nor have that fear looming over me. Nobody knows the moment when a bad cell hits the road, what if that is this Thursday, or next Tuesday? Then I am screwed. But if they are gone on Wednesday, then there isn't that chance.
I choose to not take a chance with my life, to be there for my kids, Brad, friends and family....the boobs can wait.
The afternoon got shittier too. Dane asked me what the name of the surgery was, I asked if he really wanted to know the name, he said no. Then he said, "Please don't tell me you have a disease. Please don't tell me you have cancer." I couldn't reply. He knew. We went to Target and talked in the car, he knows the basics and that the Fixer doc can't do his part and that I am sad about that. He swore not to say a word to Mars because she is too little. He was very good and calm about it. He said as long as we can cure it, I will fight it. He also told me today that in a quick write in lit/lang he wrote a paragraph on his hero: Me. How could I make any other decision than the one I have had to make today.
Final thought until the late night freak out session I am predicting- Doc's office called and said that both doctors talked about my decision and how Fixit told them to relay a message: "I will make you beautiful, don't worry."
I am angry too, why did this happen to me? I don't see this as a sign, nothing good is from doubling my whole "journey". I am not ready for this drastic change and now I feel like I am going to be a disfigured, damaged woman. I know this is offensive to many, but this is how I feel, not how I would feel about anyone else. I had a mindset, and now it has been erased. I am not digesting this well at this point. I am sure I will get there.
I don't see waiting over two weeks to do this all as a smart decision. I see this as a selfish decision and this is a test of my strength. How could I wait and find out then it spread but now have my new boobs? I could never live with myself, nor have that fear looming over me. Nobody knows the moment when a bad cell hits the road, what if that is this Thursday, or next Tuesday? Then I am screwed. But if they are gone on Wednesday, then there isn't that chance.
I choose to not take a chance with my life, to be there for my kids, Brad, friends and family....the boobs can wait.
The afternoon got shittier too. Dane asked me what the name of the surgery was, I asked if he really wanted to know the name, he said no. Then he said, "Please don't tell me you have a disease. Please don't tell me you have cancer." I couldn't reply. He knew. We went to Target and talked in the car, he knows the basics and that the Fixer doc can't do his part and that I am sad about that. He swore not to say a word to Mars because she is too little. He was very good and calm about it. He said as long as we can cure it, I will fight it. He also told me today that in a quick write in lit/lang he wrote a paragraph on his hero: Me. How could I make any other decision than the one I have had to make today.
Final thought until the late night freak out session I am predicting- Doc's office called and said that both doctors talked about my decision and how Fixit told them to relay a message: "I will make you beautiful, don't worry."
SO UPSET
I finally dragged myself out to buy Easter stuff and the doc's office called and said the plastic surgeon is really sick and cannot do the surgery for at least a month. A MONTH! So now here I am in the store crying my way out to the car to figure out my options. The nurse said I can go ahead with the surgery tomorrow and then I would have to wait for reconstruction or I could postpone it for like a month. No, I cannot postpone it for a month and let something grow inside of me! What would I do for a month? No reconstruction? That was one of the only things holding me together. I asked if there was another doctor.
She called me back and said there is another doctor she works with, but out of Mercy, but it wouldn't be tomorrow. She hasn't called me back yet. I said I would go there right now and meet him and do all I needed to do but get me in now. My doc is leaving for vacation also next week, so I have that against me getting this done on my terms.
I was ready, I am ready. Postponing is bad. I have to get this done. Why is this happening to me. This time I am really asking Why. I am besides myself and am waiting for a call to make it right. I think I may puke.
She called me back and said there is another doctor she works with, but out of Mercy, but it wouldn't be tomorrow. She hasn't called me back yet. I said I would go there right now and meet him and do all I needed to do but get me in now. My doc is leaving for vacation also next week, so I have that against me getting this done on my terms.
I was ready, I am ready. Postponing is bad. I have to get this done. Why is this happening to me. This time I am really asking Why. I am besides myself and am waiting for a call to make it right. I think I may puke.
Great Friends
Yesterday and today are scramble days. I feel the need to tie up as much as I can before tomorrow. It isn't because I think the house will crash without me, but I would like to have it not skip a beat if possible. Time is running short and I can feel that nervous anxiety creeping in. Around noon yesterday I stopped at the Living Well Center in Geneva and when I went to the front desk they asked me if they could help me, my only response was, "I don't know, I don't want to be here." A kind lady took me on a tour of the facility and told me about the services they offer. I would have never guessed I would have to see the inside of a place like that. It was nice, clean and everyone was kind. It would have been okay if it was a private club that I chose to be in.
Last night, I got together with several friends for a countdown to "lift off" party, and had a really good time. I didn't cry, I didn't want to. I didn't and don't feel sick. I don't look sick and I want to still believe this is not real. Maybe my name isn't really on that pathology report and they will call today and say it was a big mistake we are sorry. That report belongs to the lady who lives next to the nuclear power plant in Byron. Not likely tho.
Being around so many friends last night made me truly understand friendship and support. I know that it is difficult for some, I could tell it by their faces and demeanor. Others are taking the bull by the horns as I am, because they are following my lead. Everyone accepts news like this differently. Everyone processes it differently. I feel for my friends. I worry about some of them. Some are being surrounded by this on all angles of other friends and relatives. Some have gone through this on one level or another. I am hoping to bring early detection and awareness to others and get their butts in for their checkups. I don't know what is right, wrong, left, right or center. I am doing my best at living my daily life as mom, wife and friend and trying to prepare for a bump in the road. I have all the same responsibilities, I did a week ago, except I am not working. My kids need lunches, they need mom, groceries need to be bought. Why wouldn't I do that stuff now it is not like I don't feel well or are unable. I am healthy, strong and don't have any restrictions really (except no food or drink after midnight). As the doctors all say, my files are boring...which is good.
Humor is my best medicine. My cousin Carl told me this morning that humor is a sign of intelligence, because there is no other rational way to confront an irrational universe. I told him I must be a fucking genius then. If I loose my sense of humor you should be worried. Otherwise I will continue to put on my big girl boots and get this party started. I now want it to be done with, the anxiety and stress is kicking in. I have to keep busy and I need to get the Easter baskets all done and ready, kids need alarm clocks because they are worried dad won't get them up on time (valid concern) keeping life here normal is my goal... sleep and rest will come regardless -tomorrow.
Thank all of you ladies who laughed with me last night, my t-shirt collection is looking mighty good. Thank you for your friendship and love and everything else I may forget at this moment.
I am hoping at some point tomorrow night, Brad will get on here and just give the all good news that I am out and it went well. If not I will find a nurse or someone who will do it. I think I may not be text or type worthy.... until later...
Last night, I got together with several friends for a countdown to "lift off" party, and had a really good time. I didn't cry, I didn't want to. I didn't and don't feel sick. I don't look sick and I want to still believe this is not real. Maybe my name isn't really on that pathology report and they will call today and say it was a big mistake we are sorry. That report belongs to the lady who lives next to the nuclear power plant in Byron. Not likely tho.
Being around so many friends last night made me truly understand friendship and support. I know that it is difficult for some, I could tell it by their faces and demeanor. Others are taking the bull by the horns as I am, because they are following my lead. Everyone accepts news like this differently. Everyone processes it differently. I feel for my friends. I worry about some of them. Some are being surrounded by this on all angles of other friends and relatives. Some have gone through this on one level or another. I am hoping to bring early detection and awareness to others and get their butts in for their checkups. I don't know what is right, wrong, left, right or center. I am doing my best at living my daily life as mom, wife and friend and trying to prepare for a bump in the road. I have all the same responsibilities, I did a week ago, except I am not working. My kids need lunches, they need mom, groceries need to be bought. Why wouldn't I do that stuff now it is not like I don't feel well or are unable. I am healthy, strong and don't have any restrictions really (except no food or drink after midnight). As the doctors all say, my files are boring...which is good.
Humor is my best medicine. My cousin Carl told me this morning that humor is a sign of intelligence, because there is no other rational way to confront an irrational universe. I told him I must be a fucking genius then. If I loose my sense of humor you should be worried. Otherwise I will continue to put on my big girl boots and get this party started. I now want it to be done with, the anxiety and stress is kicking in. I have to keep busy and I need to get the Easter baskets all done and ready, kids need alarm clocks because they are worried dad won't get them up on time (valid concern) keeping life here normal is my goal... sleep and rest will come regardless -tomorrow.
Thank all of you ladies who laughed with me last night, my t-shirt collection is looking mighty good. Thank you for your friendship and love and everything else I may forget at this moment.
I am hoping at some point tomorrow night, Brad will get on here and just give the all good news that I am out and it went well. If not I will find a nurse or someone who will do it. I think I may not be text or type worthy.... until later...
Sunday, March 17, 2013
All Went Well
I am so glad we went to the cabin this weekend with the kids. It gave me time to relax a bit, step away from my phone, (many of you know my fingers have been on fire texting) and have some quality time with just the four of us.
We booked straight through on Friday because our fave pizza joint was packed and nobody was hungry. We stopped in Madison earlier at our fave cheese and fruit grocer and got some yummies and had those for dinner instead. Cabin was cold, we all snuggled in the bed to warm up. I liked that very much.
In the morning I had to do it. I had to get the information to the kids and move on with this day. I called them in and told them I had to tell them some important information. It was like wrangling two puppies, but finally they stopped to listen. What and how I told the kids may not be how you may have chosen to tell your kids, but it is what we decided would be best for them. I told them that when I recently had my operation, the doctor's didn't like what they saw inside. They want to do more surgery to take out anything that could be bad. When the doctors are done, they are going to fix me up and I would be in the hospital for 3-5 days. Then we told them about their responsibilities at home, how things will be a little weird at home and that friends will be around helping. We chose not to talk about treatment, since we don't know yet, we will cross that bridge when we get there. We also decided not to use technical terms, or the C word. They don't need that, and we are basing our decision because we know our kids. What they need to know is where mom will be, what they need to do to help mom get better quicker and that I love them and we will all be okay. There have been a lot of hugs from Dane, he said that he is getting them in now because he knows he can't do them in the hospital. He is an absolute sweetheart. Marley is asking some questions, told me I could take Teddy to the hospital if I wanted and that she may stay overnight with me if the room isn't "gross and creepy". We made best friend bracelets to wear. She also doesn't know how she will survive for 3-5 days, "with those two". We snuggled some more and answered anything they asked. They did not ask anything I had to soften or lie about.
The rest of the day was amazing really. My work friends sent a tub of surprise goodies and we dug into games, movies, treats, projects, beer, wine and a big airplane that Dane played with for hours. What a treat! Thank all of you! Brad and I particularly liked the beer. We were outside almost all day. We spray painted a target on the ice and we made a new game with the kids, we had a fire and sat there and had beers and swigs of whiskey to my "health". I was never coming home. I wanted to stay in my little cabin and pretend all the bad was only in Batavia, not here. I really wanted to stay and ignore reality. We played games, at dinner, watched a movie and the kids and Brad crashed. Not me. Even at 2 a.m. when I took a sleeping pill it didn't work. Reality snuck in and ruined my sleep. Poop.
Today we hiked around, packed up and ended up getting the pizza we missed on Friday. I am tired, but very happy we went. I am getting very nervous. I was in the shower and realized that I only have three more nights with my natural body. That I was going to be damaged goods real soon. It is very freaky, scary and could potentially be depressing. I have two days. I have a lot of little things to do, I have a lot of mental prep to do, plus the last plastics meeting Tuesday morning. Tomorrow night is the "lift off" gathering... It is slightly twisted and I am sure there will be booby cupcakes and what not. I think it is better to hit this head on than not. I wonder though if I am not taking it serious because I joke. Of course I am, I had and have big decisions to make and I am not in denial, this is real. I am assuming this is my defense mechanism. Man am I weird.
I almost reached my follower identification goal...6-11... not bad. Love you all, going to bed. Thanks for your good karma, prayers and whatnot to make it all go smoothly with my kids and for us to have a truly happy weekend.
We booked straight through on Friday because our fave pizza joint was packed and nobody was hungry. We stopped in Madison earlier at our fave cheese and fruit grocer and got some yummies and had those for dinner instead. Cabin was cold, we all snuggled in the bed to warm up. I liked that very much.
In the morning I had to do it. I had to get the information to the kids and move on with this day. I called them in and told them I had to tell them some important information. It was like wrangling two puppies, but finally they stopped to listen. What and how I told the kids may not be how you may have chosen to tell your kids, but it is what we decided would be best for them. I told them that when I recently had my operation, the doctor's didn't like what they saw inside. They want to do more surgery to take out anything that could be bad. When the doctors are done, they are going to fix me up and I would be in the hospital for 3-5 days. Then we told them about their responsibilities at home, how things will be a little weird at home and that friends will be around helping. We chose not to talk about treatment, since we don't know yet, we will cross that bridge when we get there. We also decided not to use technical terms, or the C word. They don't need that, and we are basing our decision because we know our kids. What they need to know is where mom will be, what they need to do to help mom get better quicker and that I love them and we will all be okay. There have been a lot of hugs from Dane, he said that he is getting them in now because he knows he can't do them in the hospital. He is an absolute sweetheart. Marley is asking some questions, told me I could take Teddy to the hospital if I wanted and that she may stay overnight with me if the room isn't "gross and creepy". We made best friend bracelets to wear. She also doesn't know how she will survive for 3-5 days, "with those two". We snuggled some more and answered anything they asked. They did not ask anything I had to soften or lie about.
The rest of the day was amazing really. My work friends sent a tub of surprise goodies and we dug into games, movies, treats, projects, beer, wine and a big airplane that Dane played with for hours. What a treat! Thank all of you! Brad and I particularly liked the beer. We were outside almost all day. We spray painted a target on the ice and we made a new game with the kids, we had a fire and sat there and had beers and swigs of whiskey to my "health". I was never coming home. I wanted to stay in my little cabin and pretend all the bad was only in Batavia, not here. I really wanted to stay and ignore reality. We played games, at dinner, watched a movie and the kids and Brad crashed. Not me. Even at 2 a.m. when I took a sleeping pill it didn't work. Reality snuck in and ruined my sleep. Poop.
Today we hiked around, packed up and ended up getting the pizza we missed on Friday. I am tired, but very happy we went. I am getting very nervous. I was in the shower and realized that I only have three more nights with my natural body. That I was going to be damaged goods real soon. It is very freaky, scary and could potentially be depressing. I have two days. I have a lot of little things to do, I have a lot of mental prep to do, plus the last plastics meeting Tuesday morning. Tomorrow night is the "lift off" gathering... It is slightly twisted and I am sure there will be booby cupcakes and what not. I think it is better to hit this head on than not. I wonder though if I am not taking it serious because I joke. Of course I am, I had and have big decisions to make and I am not in denial, this is real. I am assuming this is my defense mechanism. Man am I weird.
I almost reached my follower identification goal...6-11... not bad. Love you all, going to bed. Thanks for your good karma, prayers and whatnot to make it all go smoothly with my kids and for us to have a truly happy weekend.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Have a Great Weekend.
I am going to drop off of the grid soon and wanted to wish you all a great weekend. I am happy to go away but so nervous to talk to the kids. I know it will be okay, it has to be and there is no other option. Today was crazy busy and no medical stuff, which made me feel normal. Renee, my sister in law was a life saver today and helped me bust out straightening out my house. I could not have done it without her. Truly a HUGE help today. Massive Hug to you Renee. Kristin stopped by and so did Karen, and Sandy. I have the best friends. I won't let you gals down, no way. Cheri's MIL will be cleaning my house tomorrow. We were going to get this started soon, and no time like the present. We will come back Sunday to a clean house, wrap up loose ends, more appointments and then Lift Off....
Karen has set up a website for helping me out. Know this, I don't like help, I am a stubborn redhead who is a control freak and can do it all myself.. That said, I shall check my pride, cuz my dignity has long been taken from me (photos of my boobs, more fondling than a french whore house) and accept, graciously support from my wonderful friends, neighbors and coworkers and family.
The website is
www.lotsahelpinghands.com
You are all my strength. Going to target for cleaning supplies, pack a cooler, and wait for family and head out. I am going to have my FAVORITE pizza and a beer around 6 p.m. This evening, Life is Good. Heck, everyday Life is Great...and worth the fight....
*Disclaimer... I want to see all you on the followers part of this blog, I know you are out there, you have to be tech savvy. It doesn't work on phones or Ipads. I think I have identified 6 of you... I want that doubled by Sunday. How do I get to personally harass you if you are not there.... Huh? Hugs!
Karen has set up a website for helping me out. Know this, I don't like help, I am a stubborn redhead who is a control freak and can do it all myself.. That said, I shall check my pride, cuz my dignity has long been taken from me (photos of my boobs, more fondling than a french whore house) and accept, graciously support from my wonderful friends, neighbors and coworkers and family.
The website is
www.lotsahelpinghands.com
You are all my strength. Going to target for cleaning supplies, pack a cooler, and wait for family and head out. I am going to have my FAVORITE pizza and a beer around 6 p.m. This evening, Life is Good. Heck, everyday Life is Great...and worth the fight....
*Disclaimer... I want to see all you on the followers part of this blog, I know you are out there, you have to be tech savvy. It doesn't work on phones or Ipads. I think I have identified 6 of you... I want that doubled by Sunday. How do I get to personally harass you if you are not there.... Huh? Hugs!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Weird Wednesday
Another incredibly busy and draining day. So much to process I sometimes forget to breathe. Brad actually reminded me a few times today..Dude, I know how to breathe, been doing it on my own for 43 years.... I just couldn't! It doesn't help when you wake at 4:30, remember what is reality and can't fall asleep. Anyone would be tired.
I took Mars to school and talked to the sw, principal and school nurse to inform them what is going on and to keep an eye on Marley. I want to keep everything as normal as possible. I thought we needed a few key people in place to look out for her. If she has tummy aches or is sad, I really need to know. I think the school will do a good job at that.
Then a stop to tell a friend. It is getting a little easier, but maybe I am a bit numb?
Then to lunch with Kristin and off to Mario's for a haircut... I think we overwhelmed the stylist. We were also quite obnoxious. No, we were not drinking. We cut off my ponytail and I posed with as a goatee...we decided if I am mad and don't have eyebrows I can draw those angry stick people ones and freak people out. We were crude. But it is about me. I have the right to be crude. It is how I am going to fight this. I didn't watch the haircut I faced Kristin. Then there it was. Short bob, I like it. It is a lot shorter, but it's a nice cut. Actually, the time at the salon was a total riot, I wish it was under better circumstances, but it is what it is, and I am glad to have done it.
Steve, my buddy and permanent sub told me that my class started a "walk" at lunch and chanted Marvin and got the whole recess to do it. He said it was really cool. He also sent me a couple pictures of the kids. It made both Kristin and I cry. I am sad I didn't get to say a proper farewell, that hurts me too. I am hoping after surgery before treatment I can pop in for a visit.
Then to the plastic surgeon. Okay, I will admit it, I was sick to my stomach the whole way to the office. I am not sure why this was freaking me out so much. We were waiting in the room for awhile and I was shaking and couldn't write. I couldn't breathe. I can't figure out why this one made me so nervous. Then he came in and he explained the whole reconstruction to us, showed us pictures of before and after and game options. Made some great PR comments, like calling me 35 and petite..Brad called him out on it as being a good salesperson. (He did just explain how he used a really heavy woman's stomach fat to make a boob, maybe I am petite compared...) I was eating it up, but knew it was his schtick...what the heck Brad...let me have my moment... I opted for implant reconstruction rather than him taking tissue from my stomach or my back to make a boob. Each of those surgeries are 12 hours. Can you say, NOT BLOODY LIKELY!!!
To make a complicated process shorter, it sounds like my reconstruction will take about 5 months for completion... Yeah, no kidding! So here is how it goes: He comes in during other surgery and lifts my pectoral muscle off my ribs...Totally gross...then creates this little area between ribs and skin for his expander device. This is then filled up with as much saline as the thinks my muscles can handle. Then they close me up. I will be an A or B cup instantly....then each week I go see him and he injects x amounts of saline into me. He says I won't feel anything because area will be numb for awhile. I see him and get more each week until I am good with the size. He says I look like a 600cc. Sounds like a bad ass motorcycle. Holy cow. They aren't very realistic at this time because they are just giant round hills. However, they will fill a bra and I will look fairly good. Then after that I have to have another surgery, which I didn't know was a general anesthesia, which I don't like. This is quick and to remove the spacers and slip in the implants. Although the general, it is outpatient. He did 3 switch outs this morning. Two months later I go in and he creates a nip and I get tattooed to look real. I saw pictures, rather impressive for reconstruction. So, that is it in a nutshell, or a boobshell. This guy has done a zillion of these and I think it is the right decision. They will need to be replaced in 15 years when about 58. Okay, well figure it out then. Grossed out? Do your boobs hurt reading it... Yeah, mine too. Kind of gives me the heebie geebies. I have to see him once more which has to be Monday or Tuesday and he will talk through consent and recovery.
So, all of you who suggested that I get giant hooters for porn, not gonna happen, but I always welcome suggestions. Oh, and here is good news. I will be able to continue to shoot. The muscles used to pull my bow are not my pectorals, they are the pulling ones, I don't remember which. Bad news is that I will not be able to do push ups for awhile....Oh darn.
Dinner at a the Files, awesome, thanks! Kids in bed-Mars with me again until the night owl changes his pattern. He has one week to sleep in and come to bed late. Completely tired. Another day down and the clock is ticking to "lift off". This post took forever. I obviously can't spell or write today, sorry. You would think being a teacher I could do better. Just not gonna worry about it.
Things to look forward to tomorrow. Some comments so I know you're there..You just have to register and you can say hi, I know you're there because 256 page views are not done by a few folks...
Bringing Marley lunch at school, and who knows...oncology appointment? Waiting to hear from them. Many loose ends to tie up before Wednesday. Preregistering for surgery, etc.
We are going to Wisconsin to the cabin for the weekend to have family time and tell the kids just enough to make them understand, but no details or medical terms. We will all be cozy and together. It isn't Quebec City, but its being with my family that makes it fun. Thanks for listening. Good night, Hugs...
I took Mars to school and talked to the sw, principal and school nurse to inform them what is going on and to keep an eye on Marley. I want to keep everything as normal as possible. I thought we needed a few key people in place to look out for her. If she has tummy aches or is sad, I really need to know. I think the school will do a good job at that.
Then a stop to tell a friend. It is getting a little easier, but maybe I am a bit numb?
Then to lunch with Kristin and off to Mario's for a haircut... I think we overwhelmed the stylist. We were also quite obnoxious. No, we were not drinking. We cut off my ponytail and I posed with as a goatee...we decided if I am mad and don't have eyebrows I can draw those angry stick people ones and freak people out. We were crude. But it is about me. I have the right to be crude. It is how I am going to fight this. I didn't watch the haircut I faced Kristin. Then there it was. Short bob, I like it. It is a lot shorter, but it's a nice cut. Actually, the time at the salon was a total riot, I wish it was under better circumstances, but it is what it is, and I am glad to have done it.
Steve, my buddy and permanent sub told me that my class started a "walk" at lunch and chanted Marvin and got the whole recess to do it. He said it was really cool. He also sent me a couple pictures of the kids. It made both Kristin and I cry. I am sad I didn't get to say a proper farewell, that hurts me too. I am hoping after surgery before treatment I can pop in for a visit.
Then to the plastic surgeon. Okay, I will admit it, I was sick to my stomach the whole way to the office. I am not sure why this was freaking me out so much. We were waiting in the room for awhile and I was shaking and couldn't write. I couldn't breathe. I can't figure out why this one made me so nervous. Then he came in and he explained the whole reconstruction to us, showed us pictures of before and after and game options. Made some great PR comments, like calling me 35 and petite..Brad called him out on it as being a good salesperson. (He did just explain how he used a really heavy woman's stomach fat to make a boob, maybe I am petite compared...) I was eating it up, but knew it was his schtick...what the heck Brad...let me have my moment... I opted for implant reconstruction rather than him taking tissue from my stomach or my back to make a boob. Each of those surgeries are 12 hours. Can you say, NOT BLOODY LIKELY!!!
To make a complicated process shorter, it sounds like my reconstruction will take about 5 months for completion... Yeah, no kidding! So here is how it goes: He comes in during other surgery and lifts my pectoral muscle off my ribs...Totally gross...then creates this little area between ribs and skin for his expander device. This is then filled up with as much saline as the thinks my muscles can handle. Then they close me up. I will be an A or B cup instantly....then each week I go see him and he injects x amounts of saline into me. He says I won't feel anything because area will be numb for awhile. I see him and get more each week until I am good with the size. He says I look like a 600cc. Sounds like a bad ass motorcycle. Holy cow. They aren't very realistic at this time because they are just giant round hills. However, they will fill a bra and I will look fairly good. Then after that I have to have another surgery, which I didn't know was a general anesthesia, which I don't like. This is quick and to remove the spacers and slip in the implants. Although the general, it is outpatient. He did 3 switch outs this morning. Two months later I go in and he creates a nip and I get tattooed to look real. I saw pictures, rather impressive for reconstruction. So, that is it in a nutshell, or a boobshell. This guy has done a zillion of these and I think it is the right decision. They will need to be replaced in 15 years when about 58. Okay, well figure it out then. Grossed out? Do your boobs hurt reading it... Yeah, mine too. Kind of gives me the heebie geebies. I have to see him once more which has to be Monday or Tuesday and he will talk through consent and recovery.
So, all of you who suggested that I get giant hooters for porn, not gonna happen, but I always welcome suggestions. Oh, and here is good news. I will be able to continue to shoot. The muscles used to pull my bow are not my pectorals, they are the pulling ones, I don't remember which. Bad news is that I will not be able to do push ups for awhile....Oh darn.
Dinner at a the Files, awesome, thanks! Kids in bed-Mars with me again until the night owl changes his pattern. He has one week to sleep in and come to bed late. Completely tired. Another day down and the clock is ticking to "lift off". This post took forever. I obviously can't spell or write today, sorry. You would think being a teacher I could do better. Just not gonna worry about it.
Things to look forward to tomorrow. Some comments so I know you're there..You just have to register and you can say hi, I know you're there because 256 page views are not done by a few folks...
Bringing Marley lunch at school, and who knows...oncology appointment? Waiting to hear from them. Many loose ends to tie up before Wednesday. Preregistering for surgery, etc.
We are going to Wisconsin to the cabin for the weekend to have family time and tell the kids just enough to make them understand, but no details or medical terms. We will all be cozy and together. It isn't Quebec City, but its being with my family that makes it fun. Thanks for listening. Good night, Hugs...
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Good News For Once
I just got a call from Doc's office and was told that my EKG, Blood work, Chest X-Ray and BONE SCAN are all NEGATIVE...which means there is no obvious indication of spreading. Hallelujah!!
This is the best news I have had in days... this is really HUGE- this could mean no radiation and only chemo. This also increases my chances of everything going smoothly with treatment and recovery.
The other good potential news is that Southwest Airlines emailed a response about the nonrefundable tickets we bought for spring break. The email said if there is a "hospitalization due to illness or injury", they will consider refunding non refundable tickets. That would be a real bonus for us, who wants to throw that money away. I will need it for alcohol. :) Just kidding...not really..... Just happy for good results. Maybe I can sleep tonight. I am going to bed early with my Marley bear...she is a good sleepy pal.
I hope you all smile for me right now, because I am feeling good. Oh, and I think the comment issue has been fixed. Chirp chirp....come harass me.... I need a good laugh... Love you all...
This is the best news I have had in days... this is really HUGE- this could mean no radiation and only chemo. This also increases my chances of everything going smoothly with treatment and recovery.
The other good potential news is that Southwest Airlines emailed a response about the nonrefundable tickets we bought for spring break. The email said if there is a "hospitalization due to illness or injury", they will consider refunding non refundable tickets. That would be a real bonus for us, who wants to throw that money away. I will need it for alcohol. :) Just kidding...not really..... Just happy for good results. Maybe I can sleep tonight. I am going to bed early with my Marley bear...she is a good sleepy pal.
I hope you all smile for me right now, because I am feeling good. Oh, and I think the comment issue has been fixed. Chirp chirp....come harass me.... I need a good laugh... Love you all...
Another fun filled day at the office...
My new office is the medical facility. Ew. Everyone in there is old and sickly, there has to be something wrong.. I am way too normal to be in and out of these old, sick people tests. Ick.
Even worse, I started out the day with friends finding out my situation through a grapevine. Not cool. I wanted nobody to find out other than by me. I only send this blog link to my family and friends last night. How on earth did people at other schools know... after some questions that answer was answered. Not happy. Mistakes happen, I am not a believer of frying every fish that lands in my pan. I am saving the fight for bigger things. It just really hurt my feelings and was not discretionary. My kids don't even know and that would be BAD if somehow, in this face paced world of gossip, they found out through a friend. How awful would that be. Someone, knows someone else somewhere.... six degrees of separation... it is true.
Enough said.
Injected with radioactive goo at 9, fun... then appointment with radiologist. Nice, smart lady who brings her therapy dog with her to work each day, how cool is that. Can you imagine Bosco at a doctor's office? He would be tangled up in tubes and knocking those old sickly people down. We hope we don't have to work together..that means no radiation. She's nice, but if I don't have to see her again I won't cry.
Then back to cardiology for a bone scan. Another lay there and don't move. I am good at playing a stiff lately. At least I kept my clothes on, it is so damn cold everywhere. I am telling you that I am more worried about being freezing in the hospital than anything else, well almost. I understand the cold, but I swear I have been chilled since last Monday.
I know people are going to ask and are asking about second opinions and telling me where to go. I like my surgeon. She is a very smart doctor who only does breasts. She left Loyola because she didn't like the idea of some patients on clinicals were being denied real treatment. She left because she could save people one at a time, not to test. I admire that. I like everyone I have met. I have looked at their credentials and reports. The only thing really to second guess would be follow up treatment and I am not there yet. Then I may look at options. I have been pleasantly impressed with the care I have been given.
As the afternoon progresses, I have to go to my primary now, which seems so juvenile, to get a physical. My goodness, everyone has taken blood pressure, done exam, etc. How much more? This is to "clear" me for "take off", ha! Get it....like the airplane..but boobs.. Ha! I made a funny.
Tomorrow I plan to get my haircut. I am going for a shorter wedge, so I am not stuck with knots and tangles in the hospital. I may be in there 3-5 days, that's a long hair nightmare. Then it will ease the kids into me having shorter and shorter hair.... ew..still can't deal with that.
Then off to Naperville for some boob shopping. I would have to say the only nice thing about all this crap is having lunch with Brad and having a beer in the middle of the day. I asked the cardiologist radioactive lady if I could have one, with all this goop inside me, and she told me, "bottoms up."
Even worse, I started out the day with friends finding out my situation through a grapevine. Not cool. I wanted nobody to find out other than by me. I only send this blog link to my family and friends last night. How on earth did people at other schools know... after some questions that answer was answered. Not happy. Mistakes happen, I am not a believer of frying every fish that lands in my pan. I am saving the fight for bigger things. It just really hurt my feelings and was not discretionary. My kids don't even know and that would be BAD if somehow, in this face paced world of gossip, they found out through a friend. How awful would that be. Someone, knows someone else somewhere.... six degrees of separation... it is true.
Enough said.
Injected with radioactive goo at 9, fun... then appointment with radiologist. Nice, smart lady who brings her therapy dog with her to work each day, how cool is that. Can you imagine Bosco at a doctor's office? He would be tangled up in tubes and knocking those old sickly people down. We hope we don't have to work together..that means no radiation. She's nice, but if I don't have to see her again I won't cry.
Then back to cardiology for a bone scan. Another lay there and don't move. I am good at playing a stiff lately. At least I kept my clothes on, it is so damn cold everywhere. I am telling you that I am more worried about being freezing in the hospital than anything else, well almost. I understand the cold, but I swear I have been chilled since last Monday.
I know people are going to ask and are asking about second opinions and telling me where to go. I like my surgeon. She is a very smart doctor who only does breasts. She left Loyola because she didn't like the idea of some patients on clinicals were being denied real treatment. She left because she could save people one at a time, not to test. I admire that. I like everyone I have met. I have looked at their credentials and reports. The only thing really to second guess would be follow up treatment and I am not there yet. Then I may look at options. I have been pleasantly impressed with the care I have been given.
As the afternoon progresses, I have to go to my primary now, which seems so juvenile, to get a physical. My goodness, everyone has taken blood pressure, done exam, etc. How much more? This is to "clear" me for "take off", ha! Get it....like the airplane..but boobs.. Ha! I made a funny.
Tomorrow I plan to get my haircut. I am going for a shorter wedge, so I am not stuck with knots and tangles in the hospital. I may be in there 3-5 days, that's a long hair nightmare. Then it will ease the kids into me having shorter and shorter hair.... ew..still can't deal with that.
Then off to Naperville for some boob shopping. I would have to say the only nice thing about all this crap is having lunch with Brad and having a beer in the middle of the day. I asked the cardiologist radioactive lady if I could have one, with all this goop inside me, and she told me, "bottoms up."
Monday, March 11, 2013
Monday Blues
Monday, March 11-2013
What a day. Holy Hell. At one point of the day I felt like I was on a roller coaster in the winter, at night, with ice pellets beating my face and looking like warp speed in Star Wars, and I couldn't make it stop.
It is true. I have that thing, that ugly word I am avoiding saying. It is the kind that is hard to detect, and acts like a crabgrass and doesn't cause lumps. No wonder it is hard to find, nobody knows it is there. I was lucky, damn lucky, that the radiologist had a week's worth of restless nights and reread that MRI. If he didn't, this would have continued to grow and nobody would have known any better. I got his name, I will thank him personally.
So as it stands I have limited options. Option one is a lumpectomy. Dr. would go back in and take more of the breast and hope that she got it all. Without a lump, we would only know by future mammos or mri's and I would always have that chance of it not all getting removed. With this option I would get radiation and chemotherapy. Fun times. By the time she was done over and over, I would have a sorry excuse for a boob and always have to be monitored.
Option two: Removal. Cannot use the M word yet either. If the invader is isolated, which they are testing now, then the removal will allow me to not have to get mammos or anything ever. I would get a double and reconstructive surgery. Dr. said that this crabgrass type tends to jump to the other side, so why go through this twice. If it is isolated, no radiation. Yes, chemo is not an option. I will have to do that and that is going to suck. I will lose my hair and I don't like that idea. It is just hair, it will grow back, I just have to check my vanity at the door.
It has been a busy day and night with GS and band concert, it is now 9:25 and I am busted. I am mentally drained and so tired. I am not sleeping well, go figure. I am about to send this out to a few family members and friends. I know most of you won't know what to respond, but if you comment, just say Hi so I know you are there. No worries if you don't have the right words, who does? Hallmark? Nah. I just want to know someone is hearing my screams.
Final thought. My work world is covered. I have good people that are watching my back and making this leaving work in the middle of the year go as smoothly as possible. Nothing is ideal, but I feel very lucky to have caring coworkers and principal.
What a day. Holy Hell. At one point of the day I felt like I was on a roller coaster in the winter, at night, with ice pellets beating my face and looking like warp speed in Star Wars, and I couldn't make it stop.
It is true. I have that thing, that ugly word I am avoiding saying. It is the kind that is hard to detect, and acts like a crabgrass and doesn't cause lumps. No wonder it is hard to find, nobody knows it is there. I was lucky, damn lucky, that the radiologist had a week's worth of restless nights and reread that MRI. If he didn't, this would have continued to grow and nobody would have known any better. I got his name, I will thank him personally.
So as it stands I have limited options. Option one is a lumpectomy. Dr. would go back in and take more of the breast and hope that she got it all. Without a lump, we would only know by future mammos or mri's and I would always have that chance of it not all getting removed. With this option I would get radiation and chemotherapy. Fun times. By the time she was done over and over, I would have a sorry excuse for a boob and always have to be monitored.
Option two: Removal. Cannot use the M word yet either. If the invader is isolated, which they are testing now, then the removal will allow me to not have to get mammos or anything ever. I would get a double and reconstructive surgery. Dr. said that this crabgrass type tends to jump to the other side, so why go through this twice. If it is isolated, no radiation. Yes, chemo is not an option. I will have to do that and that is going to suck. I will lose my hair and I don't like that idea. It is just hair, it will grow back, I just have to check my vanity at the door.
It has been a busy day and night with GS and band concert, it is now 9:25 and I am busted. I am mentally drained and so tired. I am not sleeping well, go figure. I am about to send this out to a few family members and friends. I know most of you won't know what to respond, but if you comment, just say Hi so I know you are there. No worries if you don't have the right words, who does? Hallmark? Nah. I just want to know someone is hearing my screams.
Final thought. My work world is covered. I have good people that are watching my back and making this leaving work in the middle of the year go as smoothly as possible. Nothing is ideal, but I feel very lucky to have caring coworkers and principal.
Current thoughts...
Monday Morning.
Didn't get much sleep. How could I. Brad is a night owl and comes to bed after me. I went to bed alone. I can't do that. I had Marley the two night's previously, I like sleeping with her. I told Brad he needs to change his sleep routine, I need someone there.
Appointment is in about a half an hour. I feel like I could puke. I did Marley's hair in pigtails and she looked so damn cute. When I dropped her off and watched her bounce into school I lost it. My babies need me. My little daughter needs her mommy. I want to watch her grow, she is so beautiful inside and out. I am writing this with tears running down my face. I am sick of crying. I feel so weak in disposition, and I don't like it.
Marley has girl scouts and Dane has a band concert tonight. They both have 4H, but that isn't happening. I don't have time for this. I feel fine, I am fine, it is all a mistake....
I like to have control, not a shocker. This is really difficult for me to know that I have no control over my situation right now. There is an uninvited visitor in my body and it needs to go away. Brad will be home at 10:15 so we can go. I don't want to clean or do laundry, which needs to be done because I have neglected just about everything and we fired our cleaning lady a month ago... I would like to think of positive things, plan things... because that is what I do best. But that part of me is gone now. Temporarily I hope, but it is gone.
Marley asked about how long until spring break. I said two weeks, but didn't tell her that most likely we will be canceling our trip to Quebec City. That sucks for the whole family. I know, priorities. Traveling with my kids is very important to me. Going places and having experiences and being together is why we work so hard and try to give our kids a good life.
Brad will be home any minute. Texted a few friends for some morning support. Wish me luck. There are only a small handful who have this now,and I know you are wishing hard for me.
Didn't get much sleep. How could I. Brad is a night owl and comes to bed after me. I went to bed alone. I can't do that. I had Marley the two night's previously, I like sleeping with her. I told Brad he needs to change his sleep routine, I need someone there.
Appointment is in about a half an hour. I feel like I could puke. I did Marley's hair in pigtails and she looked so damn cute. When I dropped her off and watched her bounce into school I lost it. My babies need me. My little daughter needs her mommy. I want to watch her grow, she is so beautiful inside and out. I am writing this with tears running down my face. I am sick of crying. I feel so weak in disposition, and I don't like it.
Marley has girl scouts and Dane has a band concert tonight. They both have 4H, but that isn't happening. I don't have time for this. I feel fine, I am fine, it is all a mistake....
I like to have control, not a shocker. This is really difficult for me to know that I have no control over my situation right now. There is an uninvited visitor in my body and it needs to go away. Brad will be home at 10:15 so we can go. I don't want to clean or do laundry, which needs to be done because I have neglected just about everything and we fired our cleaning lady a month ago... I would like to think of positive things, plan things... because that is what I do best. But that part of me is gone now. Temporarily I hope, but it is gone.
Marley asked about how long until spring break. I said two weeks, but didn't tell her that most likely we will be canceling our trip to Quebec City. That sucks for the whole family. I know, priorities. Traveling with my kids is very important to me. Going places and having experiences and being together is why we work so hard and try to give our kids a good life.
Brad will be home any minute. Texted a few friends for some morning support. Wish me luck. There are only a small handful who have this now,and I know you are wishing hard for me.
Day2 What to do....
After a nasty night of headache and tears, I had to get up. I was not going to let this defeat me on the first day. I am not the kind of person who can wallow in my self pity and lay around. I don't have time for that at all. I have things to do and life goes on for my kids and for me. Get up and move and do what you need I kept telling myself and I did.
I got a text from Debby, council member-venter. and she told me her eyes were swollen from crying all night. That made me sad. Her and I have known each other over 18 years. She went through this with me and my mom. She was there for me, she saw the sadness and the devastation of cancer. My mom wasn't one of the lucky ones. She died at 60. Now I will be happy to make it that long. That is 17 years from now and I will take that, please..... I just want to see my kids grow.
So after more tears I needed to go run errands for a fundraiser for my archery club, so Dane and I ran around a bit. Then I went to lunch with one of my mom's closest friends from childhood, and her daughters. I managed to make it through lunch without a mention of it at all. Go me. More errands. Any downtime I can go to those dark places. I must stay busy, but I was so tired from no sleep. I rested and got no sleep and went to the fundraiser with friends. I now have had this information for 24 hours. Kristin is one of my council-partner, she has offered to be there every step of the way. Who can say that? Someone that cares and believes that I can do this. I want to be strong enough to do it on my own, that's how I am, but I may need help this time. I don't have my mom to be with me, and Brad will have to work so we can still have our lives. I am grateful for my friends. My other council member Cheri-techie, is very good on the computer and is going to do research for me on doctors and medical advice and filter the nasty, because I refuse to look on the Internet. She may be my scribe to keep blog going when I cannot. I am not going to search the Internet, too many bad things and scare tactics. Not gonna do it. I have other wonderful friends too, and in time when they know, I am sure they will be supportive of me also. To all of you who are finding out in this format, I love you, please understand that I had to do it this way. I just had to.
Saturday night we had a planned event. We went with another couple who didn't know yet and Kristin and her husband, I had to tell them because she asked how things turned out. I guess hearing your friend say those words, which I still have an incredibly hard time typing or saying, kind of freaks you out. I didn't want to spoil our fun, so I sucked it up and tried to be nonchalant about it. I am not going to let this defeat nor define me. I am not. This is not the end of Donnanne. It is going to take more than this to get me, I need to be around for the zombie apocalypse. This is going to be a sucky speed bump, those one's with the spikes in them, and I will crush it with my giant steamroller and say Fuck You!
Debby had my kids for the night, I didn't want to leave them alone, they sense something odd is going on and they are smart, damn smart. Dane is scared. I am trying to help him understand that I am trying not to be scared but I don't know much. I can't use the word, he lost his grandma this way. I am going to avoid it as long as I can. He just made the school play and I am so proud and shocked in his interest. He is the Goblin King in the Hobbit. That will be great to keep his mind busy. Baseball is coming up and so is softball. These are good distractions for them. I want their lives to stay as normal as possible. I am going to do my best to keep my life as normal as possible also.
I don't know if I am going to have surgery or go through all the chemo crap. I am already freaking about possible pain and mental anguish, I cannot even relax at a spa, how am I going to lay around and be an invalid? Not going to have that happen. I made my Council promise me that they wouldn't let me be a sickly person lying around in an hospital gown drugged like a zombie. That is not me. That is not me.
So-today is Sunday the second day of my new life... what now? I emailed my principal that I won't be in and that I have a confident substitute, my friend and former teammate Steve, to cover for me. I don't know if I will be back at work and treated at night, I don't know if I will be under the knife shortly. I currently know nothing, except I have an unwanted visitor in my body....
Today I am having my cold coffee, writing this blog, watching Dane wrestle with Bosco. I am going to go get his haircut and do some laundry- be normal. I am going to try not to cry, especially in front of the kids.
Tomorrow is the day I see the surgeon who did the procedure on Monday. Next steps. I am writing these now but won't release them until tomorrow maybe? I don't know. I think this is an outlet for me, a way to stay in touch with people who care but I don't see often. I have lot of work ahead of me. I need to cover a whole bunch of new areas, my mental health, the treatment, support groups and I need to find a fight club so I can kick somethings ass... or I need to shoot as much as I can, if I can.... I need my anger released.... that is why I am the fightermomma.... this is not getting in the way of my life... I will crush it.. I promise ME that...
I wrote that this morning. Its now post dinner. Appetite is weak. Not because I am sick, but because I am disgusted. I coped all day. My friend Karen came over, she wasn't available Friday night, she was in Wisconsin. She too agrees that this is all too freaky and can't be real. I think each day I will wake up feeling that way. Tomorrow is scary. Very scary. This is what I feel. If she tells me that I can beat this, that I am not facing imminent death, I can do it. I can go through all the pain and treatment, I can lose my hair (so not wanting that to happen, I have nice hair), I can get new boobs and move on. Just let me live to see my babies grow. That is all I am asking.
I got a text from Debby, council member-venter. and she told me her eyes were swollen from crying all night. That made me sad. Her and I have known each other over 18 years. She went through this with me and my mom. She was there for me, she saw the sadness and the devastation of cancer. My mom wasn't one of the lucky ones. She died at 60. Now I will be happy to make it that long. That is 17 years from now and I will take that, please..... I just want to see my kids grow.
So after more tears I needed to go run errands for a fundraiser for my archery club, so Dane and I ran around a bit. Then I went to lunch with one of my mom's closest friends from childhood, and her daughters. I managed to make it through lunch without a mention of it at all. Go me. More errands. Any downtime I can go to those dark places. I must stay busy, but I was so tired from no sleep. I rested and got no sleep and went to the fundraiser with friends. I now have had this information for 24 hours. Kristin is one of my council-partner, she has offered to be there every step of the way. Who can say that? Someone that cares and believes that I can do this. I want to be strong enough to do it on my own, that's how I am, but I may need help this time. I don't have my mom to be with me, and Brad will have to work so we can still have our lives. I am grateful for my friends. My other council member Cheri-techie, is very good on the computer and is going to do research for me on doctors and medical advice and filter the nasty, because I refuse to look on the Internet. She may be my scribe to keep blog going when I cannot. I am not going to search the Internet, too many bad things and scare tactics. Not gonna do it. I have other wonderful friends too, and in time when they know, I am sure they will be supportive of me also. To all of you who are finding out in this format, I love you, please understand that I had to do it this way. I just had to.
Saturday night we had a planned event. We went with another couple who didn't know yet and Kristin and her husband, I had to tell them because she asked how things turned out. I guess hearing your friend say those words, which I still have an incredibly hard time typing or saying, kind of freaks you out. I didn't want to spoil our fun, so I sucked it up and tried to be nonchalant about it. I am not going to let this defeat nor define me. I am not. This is not the end of Donnanne. It is going to take more than this to get me, I need to be around for the zombie apocalypse. This is going to be a sucky speed bump, those one's with the spikes in them, and I will crush it with my giant steamroller and say Fuck You!
Debby had my kids for the night, I didn't want to leave them alone, they sense something odd is going on and they are smart, damn smart. Dane is scared. I am trying to help him understand that I am trying not to be scared but I don't know much. I can't use the word, he lost his grandma this way. I am going to avoid it as long as I can. He just made the school play and I am so proud and shocked in his interest. He is the Goblin King in the Hobbit. That will be great to keep his mind busy. Baseball is coming up and so is softball. These are good distractions for them. I want their lives to stay as normal as possible. I am going to do my best to keep my life as normal as possible also.
I don't know if I am going to have surgery or go through all the chemo crap. I am already freaking about possible pain and mental anguish, I cannot even relax at a spa, how am I going to lay around and be an invalid? Not going to have that happen. I made my Council promise me that they wouldn't let me be a sickly person lying around in an hospital gown drugged like a zombie. That is not me. That is not me.
So-today is Sunday the second day of my new life... what now? I emailed my principal that I won't be in and that I have a confident substitute, my friend and former teammate Steve, to cover for me. I don't know if I will be back at work and treated at night, I don't know if I will be under the knife shortly. I currently know nothing, except I have an unwanted visitor in my body....
Today I am having my cold coffee, writing this blog, watching Dane wrestle with Bosco. I am going to go get his haircut and do some laundry- be normal. I am going to try not to cry, especially in front of the kids.
Tomorrow is the day I see the surgeon who did the procedure on Monday. Next steps. I am writing these now but won't release them until tomorrow maybe? I don't know. I think this is an outlet for me, a way to stay in touch with people who care but I don't see often. I have lot of work ahead of me. I need to cover a whole bunch of new areas, my mental health, the treatment, support groups and I need to find a fight club so I can kick somethings ass... or I need to shoot as much as I can, if I can.... I need my anger released.... that is why I am the fightermomma.... this is not getting in the way of my life... I will crush it.. I promise ME that...
I wrote that this morning. Its now post dinner. Appetite is weak. Not because I am sick, but because I am disgusted. I coped all day. My friend Karen came over, she wasn't available Friday night, she was in Wisconsin. She too agrees that this is all too freaky and can't be real. I think each day I will wake up feeling that way. Tomorrow is scary. Very scary. This is what I feel. If she tells me that I can beat this, that I am not facing imminent death, I can do it. I can go through all the pain and treatment, I can lose my hair (so not wanting that to happen, I have nice hair), I can get new boobs and move on. Just let me live to see my babies grow. That is all I am asking.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
What? Are you %#@*ing Serious?
No Way....are you serious?
Ever have one of those days? One of those days that you have a premonition or something weird happens and you take it as a "sign". I kinda believe in "signs"...I don't know why, but I do.
Well yesterday, Friday, March 8th-2013 will now be known as the day from Hell. My first sign was my daughter saying, "good luck", instead of "good bye" when I left for work. The second sign was at Starbucks, where I was getting my Friday fix. I chose to go in, because the drive thru was too long. I do this sometimes so that is not out of the ordinary. The barista asked me if I wanted room for cream, and I said yes. The old Irish kinda looking guy behind me says, "You should ask them to put whiskey in it for you." I made a joke back about preferring Baileys, but walked out of there completely spooked. I shot off a few texts confirming my paranoia.
I guess the events of the day were normal, nothing too weird. Made it through with a few laughs, no pain meds, an overall nice Friday at work. I had to make a few stops on the way home and texted my husband. He said he was home. It was 3:45, odd. I knew something was up. See, I have been waiting for some biopsy results from Monday's surgery...they said Wednesday, but we still hadn't heard. In my head I thought, " Hey, bad news never sleeps, good news sleeps 'till noon." It was Brad's text that had a weird tone, although he didn't say anything.
I got home and he was intently working on a helicopter of my son's and avoiding eye contact and conversation. I said we needed to call, this was crazy! He said, "Let's go downstairs." Need he say more?
I knew instantly that this was a baddddd thing. He just followed me downstairs. I couldn't even make it down two stairs before bellowing and shaking. Was this really happening? Is my husband going to tell me that I have cancer? WTF? This was SO not supposed to happen. I am 43, healthy and have been proactive with all my checkups, I nursed two kids and never smoked. The doctor herself said that she would say that 90% she believed it was nothing. Those are pretty damn good odds. That in any other country they would have patted me on the head and send me away. Doing the MRI guided biopsy was for my peace of mind. Peace of mind. Holy Hell But no. I fucking lost this lotto.
I wept. I cried. I shook. I sat there with my husband in total disbelief. He didn't say much. I think he didn't know what to say, who does? All that ran through ran through my head was, I don't want to die. It is all that I could think of. Dane and Marley, they need their mom, this can't be true. WTF! How is this possible? I kept asking, how... I didn't ask Why Me? Because why not? It is an equal opportunity destroyer.. but what now. What now?? Really, what now. My world has flipped completely, and boy am I scared out of my mind.
Then I got mad. I got really pissed. I am still pissed. I asked Brad, what now again? How do I function? How do I go upstairs when the kids saw me retreat the basement in tears? So I called in a small group of close friends and had them come over asap. They all admitted that their hearts were in their stomachs because they didn't know if I was having them over to celebrate or give them a bad report. Obviously the latter. These women stayed with me through a couple bottles of wine and lot of snot and what ifs. They have become my "council" or is it "counsel". I need these women to be the strength on the days I won't have any. I need my friends and family. I need to fight and I will win this battle. I promise myself, my kids, Brad, my family and my friends. I am not taking this lying down.
I tried to sleep that night but there was no way. Each time I closed my eyes the nightmares began. It was awful. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't supposed to be in my circle of friends. Someone else maybe, someone unhealthy in the backwoods who never had checkups, smoked, drank, ate fast food and worked in nuclear power plant. Not me. No not me.
Ever have one of those days? One of those days that you have a premonition or something weird happens and you take it as a "sign". I kinda believe in "signs"...I don't know why, but I do.
Well yesterday, Friday, March 8th-2013 will now be known as the day from Hell. My first sign was my daughter saying, "good luck", instead of "good bye" when I left for work. The second sign was at Starbucks, where I was getting my Friday fix. I chose to go in, because the drive thru was too long. I do this sometimes so that is not out of the ordinary. The barista asked me if I wanted room for cream, and I said yes. The old Irish kinda looking guy behind me says, "You should ask them to put whiskey in it for you." I made a joke back about preferring Baileys, but walked out of there completely spooked. I shot off a few texts confirming my paranoia.
I guess the events of the day were normal, nothing too weird. Made it through with a few laughs, no pain meds, an overall nice Friday at work. I had to make a few stops on the way home and texted my husband. He said he was home. It was 3:45, odd. I knew something was up. See, I have been waiting for some biopsy results from Monday's surgery...they said Wednesday, but we still hadn't heard. In my head I thought, " Hey, bad news never sleeps, good news sleeps 'till noon." It was Brad's text that had a weird tone, although he didn't say anything.
I got home and he was intently working on a helicopter of my son's and avoiding eye contact and conversation. I said we needed to call, this was crazy! He said, "Let's go downstairs." Need he say more?
I knew instantly that this was a baddddd thing. He just followed me downstairs. I couldn't even make it down two stairs before bellowing and shaking. Was this really happening? Is my husband going to tell me that I have cancer? WTF? This was SO not supposed to happen. I am 43, healthy and have been proactive with all my checkups, I nursed two kids and never smoked. The doctor herself said that she would say that 90% she believed it was nothing. Those are pretty damn good odds. That in any other country they would have patted me on the head and send me away. Doing the MRI guided biopsy was for my peace of mind. Peace of mind. Holy Hell But no. I fucking lost this lotto.
I wept. I cried. I shook. I sat there with my husband in total disbelief. He didn't say much. I think he didn't know what to say, who does? All that ran through ran through my head was, I don't want to die. It is all that I could think of. Dane and Marley, they need their mom, this can't be true. WTF! How is this possible? I kept asking, how... I didn't ask Why Me? Because why not? It is an equal opportunity destroyer.. but what now. What now?? Really, what now. My world has flipped completely, and boy am I scared out of my mind.
Then I got mad. I got really pissed. I am still pissed. I asked Brad, what now again? How do I function? How do I go upstairs when the kids saw me retreat the basement in tears? So I called in a small group of close friends and had them come over asap. They all admitted that their hearts were in their stomachs because they didn't know if I was having them over to celebrate or give them a bad report. Obviously the latter. These women stayed with me through a couple bottles of wine and lot of snot and what ifs. They have become my "council" or is it "counsel". I need these women to be the strength on the days I won't have any. I need my friends and family. I need to fight and I will win this battle. I promise myself, my kids, Brad, my family and my friends. I am not taking this lying down.
I tried to sleep that night but there was no way. Each time I closed my eyes the nightmares began. It was awful. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't supposed to be in my circle of friends. Someone else maybe, someone unhealthy in the backwoods who never had checkups, smoked, drank, ate fast food and worked in nuclear power plant. Not me. No not me.
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