PT Starts

I am going to be freakin' Wonder Woman when I'm done with my "journey", I tell ya! Today directly after school I went for my physical therapy evaluation. It's my rotater cuff,  the stiffness and inflammation make the bones hit each other causing pain and immobility. So were going to work on it. The PT was wonderful, we are also going to work on my chest muscles to help the pain and scar tissue from the expanders. She did her evaluation and then some stim and ice today. I have some small exercise stretching to do before Thursday. I love having one more thing added to my already hectic schedule.

I called the plastic surgeon's office today to schedule the switch out. The lady told me that the first available date was July 28th. Wtf????  I said no way. I cannot wait that long, I was told 6-8 weeks and it would ruin vacation plans and summer altogether.  She said she would look into a better date. I said early June. That's what I need to move on. I'll cry on the phone and to the doctor if needed. I don't want to, but will resort to that if necessary.

I missed my massage which I always look forward to, but kept the appointment and sent Brad.  He needs the massage especially with all the baseball throwing and stuff, glad he went. He's not home yet to see if he liked it.

I also called the GI office and now have an appointment May 8th. Always something. Let's get me all figured out and back on track ASAP.

Tomorrow-my baby boy, who is taller than me, turns 13!!!! Wow!!! I remember the day he was born, and I remember the turkey sandwich I ate as soon as he was out! Little bugger made me so sick! But he's made me so happy for the last 13. (except 7th graders have an attitude).

Old Chicago

Remember that place? Old Chicago? It had an indoor amusement park? I have no idea where it was, but I remember the roller coaster. It was pretty cool.  Busy weeknd. Lots to think about.  I'm okay with the decision of not going to be able to go any larger, it is what it has to be and I can deal with it. Whatever. Not going to dwell on it anymore. I'm more anxious to call the office tomorrow and get a date in the books. 

Yesterday afternoon we divided and conquered ball games. Boys lost, girl wins. Marley has scored runs in both games that she's had so far. Not bad. It was freezing out, so my friend and I huddled in the back of my car which I backed in right by the fence. It was perfect. Started a trend of cars...like we were tailgating. Later, we went to the city for dinner to celebrate a 40th birthday. We went to the very crowded, very loud and very tasty-90 Miles West Cuban Cafe. It's worth checking out. Late night home, and Marley was still up. She crashed as soon as I got her upstairs.

Today was planned to be a fun, family outing for Danes upcoming birthday. I had purchased tickets to C2E2, which is in essence-Chicago's Comic-Con.  Of course, the boys have a game. Really? Argh. I wanted them to not go, but Brad is a die hard devoted coach-so he blew us off instead. I called my brother up to see if he and my 12 year old niece would want to go, and they did. So back down to Chicago! 

Talk about a crazy day! It was great people watching for sure! Costumed people, artists, writers, science fiction stars. Stan Lee was there, didn't see him because I don't pay to meet people-sorry. There was a whole area dedicated to tattoo art and people getting inked. It was like Halloween, art, technology and more. We logged over 3 miles of walking. Phew! I'm beat!  Mars fell asleep on the way home. 

I hope I can see the GI soon, I need to take care of this weirdness. Everything else is falling in place...let's get this body back in working order! I've got people to see, places to go and things to do!!!

******Please all send prayers and positive energy to a close friend who is having surgery tomorrow. We all need the extra help to get us through the tough times.

No More

Here's the deal. My plastic surgeon wouldn't fill because of my skin and my shoulder. First I have to say that my gut instinct to see him was accurate. If I would have gone and did another fill, things could have got messy.  Pretty much between explanations, a few tears, checking vanity at the door and issues of pain management- he said he thinks we're done. He said he should be able to get a few, up to 100 more cc's, in at time of switch.  I was upset because I wanted to be in control of that decision, not my body once again dictating what's going on.  Plus, I wanted a great end product for all my pain and suffering.  Then that made me sad that I was being so vain and not just thankful it's gone as well as it has. So call me a shallow person-don't care. 

He gave me a script for physical therapy, which now adds two weekly appointments on top of my already ridiculous schedule. I got some more pain meds for night when it hurts the worst- of course didn't get it filled yet.  He said to call them after first pt and see what they say, and see how I feel.  If I wait in a month he can try to add more. My skin could split open or something terrible and I be in much deeper of a mess.  So after tears on the phone with Brad, I, we, decided to end it where I am.  I'll call the doctor Monday and tell them to get me on the books for the switch. Decision is done. Vanity- gone. Reality- I'll never look the same. Harsh.  Damaged goods. 

Then I went to the oncologist. All my bloodwork is fine. But I weigh more than last time. The tamoxifen is kicking my metabolism down to zilch. I asked her if I will end up 300 lb. at this rate. She said it should stabilize, and I will have to work out twice as much to combat it.  Yeah, another battle!!!  So I'm logging all my calories and exercising more, this is all too depressing. Once again, loss of control and vanity. Adding insult to injury. 

I also got a referral to a GI for my fluttery abdominal issue. She said they may want to do a colonoscopy. Well I don't. I don't want any more pokes and procedures. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.  I'm getting worn out!

Then treatment. I love chatting with the nurses-they're great ladies.  

Went to dinner with Brad while kids each respectively had their own plans. Then hung out with friends for a bit.

Had a very bad night with pain. I'm not sure why it was so bad, nothing changed, but it was. Busy day for us too.   Suck it up-and move on. 

April 24th

I'm frustrated. I can't seem to get ahead, or even at the least. I'm trying so hard to get my old self back and it's difficult and tiring. I get tired and touchy, and frankly just need some attention that isn't medical related. I'd like a conversation that wasn't about how I feel. I'm an old lady talking about my aches and pains. How depressing. A 44 year old 90 year old. Sad face.  Will I ever be even normalish?...

I want to be back on a trip somewhere far away from reality. 

Softball season has begun. Marley went from girls on the run to her first game. Too much. They lost, but she did score one of the four runs her team got. Go girlie!

Tomorrow morning I see the plastic surgeon himself. We'll figure out my shoulder and next steps for expansion. If things go well, we can put a date on the calendar for the switcheroo. That would make me feel that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm doing all my appointments solo, Brad is busy. Hope all goes smoothly. 

Goal Setting

Same story, different day. My shoulder is getting worse, glad I'm going Friday before it gets so stuck my arm becomes useless. I've started tracking my caloric intake because I cannot stand how fat I am. Having a year of very little physical activity and the tamoxifen, which causes weight gain, I have a lot of work to do. So I'm using an app to log in food and exercise. Today I did the elliptical for 44 minutes-earned enough to eat dinner. Phew. I'm on the caloric intake to attempt to lose 1.5 lbs a week. I know I have to move more, which I am. Okay, the elliptical was without arms as of now, but it was great exercise.  It's funny how a stupid app can help you become more accountable for what you eat. I don't want to log it, so I won't eat it.  My salads with veggies and what not are a total pain to log. I should eat even simpler. We'll see how well I do. I'm motivated, I'm not happy with what this has done to me on so many levels. Brutal. Baldness, breastless & beastly. Lovely. 

The baseball/softball season starts tomorrow with Marely's first game. We had to run out to get new cleats because we forgot about that. I can't keep it all straight. I have so much I want to accomplish this spring and summer and this health stuff is getting in my way. Let's finish this boob job and whip me back in shape.  I get kind of bummed when I think of all the things I can't ever do gain- but need to focus on the things I can. 

Like: hang with my awesome kids, shop, create art, drink beer with Brad, girls weekends, swim, write, teach, sightsee, travel, snowboard ( if I don't fall), bake, watch movies, run ( wasn't very good before), text, play games, eat gelato, go to Wisconsin, dance, listen to great music, watch kids sports, walk, hike, bike, laugh, & enjoy life everyday!

How's that for an uplifting close.

Frozen

No no, not the overrated kids movie, but my shoulder! Crappy, crap crap!!! I cannot move my shoulder normally, it's become immobilized. I was told about this as a potential problem, but so far I was okay. This just started after my last, very painful fill. I must have been very careful and limited in movement enough to freeze up the joint. I caused this myself I guess. Sorry I wasn't playing volleyball or doing the wave.

I was supposed to go for a fill tomorrow, but I called today because of this new issue. I need to see the doctor. His assistant is great, but I need the real doctor. The only time I can see him is during the day on Friday. So be it. I have herceptin and the oncologist Friday afternoon also. Looks like Friday is going to be a blast. 

I looked up frozen shoukder online-I pretty much am a textbook case. 1. Recent surgery/ injury.  2. Age 40-70. 3. More common in women..... All the symptoms are there too. It's not the worse thing in the world, most likely taken care of with physical therapy and pain meds. I doesn't hurt unless I try to move it, otherwise it's just stuck. I really don't have time in my schedule for pt, but I need it bad!!!  I'll just let it go!  Get it? Frozen? Movie joke....??? ( elementary teacher/mom, I know this stuff)

Just another pit stop in my "journey".  Argh. I'll keep driving, I don't want to run out of gas!!!

Did you know that we all have common ancestors of all modern life?  Yeah, we are related to fungi and goldfish....Neil Degrasse Tyson told me. I love that guy, best voice ever.  Way too smart for me though. 

Monday

Just another manic Monday, wish it was Sunday....  All was fine, just lots going on and I'm still rather sore. I have poor mobility in my left arm-and shoulder.  I'm worried it's getting "frozen". I don't know what that really means but it doesn't sound good. I cannot straighten out my arm and reach. It just doesn't go that way. I've never broken a bone nor been immobile before, so this is very weird for me. I need to ask for physical therapy and soon. What if I become a royal and have to wave with my left hand? I could lose my tiara. Damn.

My stomach issue is annoying and will get a referral on Friday for a GI, I've given it a chance to go away. Hoping it's not something terrible, can't deal with terrible. It can't be because I'm on the end of my journey and ready to return to normal life. 

It's a long way down....

Hoppy Easter

I hope everyone had a happy Easter with their family and friends. We went north to our cabin before softball and baseball kick into high gear. It was our last weekend of freedom. We left right after work on Friday, and got up there before it was even dark-what a bonus. We hung out with our Wisconsin friends and kicked back. Sleeping was difficult. Our bed is smaller and not padded nearly enough! I did okay, just couldn't move much. Saturday was nice. Did an Easter egg hunt with kids and just hung out. Played frisbee-as lame as I could, sat by the fire and chilled. No atv for me. No way. Every car bump was painful enough!

This morning was fun. Marley couldn't contain herself and even tried to tell me it was time to get up-at 1:45 a.m!  We managed to hold them off to like 7:30 I think but she was too excited to see what the Easter bunny brought her. :) I love this stuff!!!

Didn't sleep as well as the previous night. More severe pain when I took a deep breath.  I also have the turtle syndrome. I get on my back and can't get up. You use your abs of course-although mine are buried somewhere, but you use your chest and shoulders too. The muscle pain is so bad, I get stuck and can't move. My family knows to give me an arm. They will make a tight muscle arm that I use to pull myself up. Sad.

This week brings lots of kids activities, herceptin & oncologist and a possible fill. Oh what fun!!!

😕

Pushing through the pain. Really tough to get comfortable and get rest. Made it through the day and tried to mask my pain. 

Going off the grid soon. Happy Easter!

Sniff, snort, weep

I still hurt. I was in tears trying to get comfortable last night-which was a total joke. I was in tears trying to get dressed this morning...another joke.  I'm not in the joking mood. It's a little less intense than last night but it's not pleasant. I can't  breathe deeply, and it feels like I'm having chest pains and a massive heart attack. If I sit in one position for any time, even ten minutes, I feel all  frozen and stiff.

I'm banking on it increasingly getting better. I don't want to feel this crappy for the next two months. I've come this far, not caving in now. I'll Just keep swimming!!!!!

Pain, pain, pain!!!!!!

I'm in a boatload of pain. I am sitting at my counter crying, and wincing each time I take a breath.  I went today for a fill to even me out. I now officially am about equal. The bad side actually has 10 cc more, but they want that due to that being the damaged skin side. Holy crap does it hurt. I can barely move or stand up straight. When am I going to catch a break? I go next Wednesday to see if we can do a little more. Then May 1st, I'll see the doctor and make a final decision. This is very painful. This isn't easy, because once I make my decision to stop, were done. I get one shot at this. 

Had to run errands with Marley, thought I was going to pass out while she was picking out running shoes. I can't even explain the pain, feels like I'm having a heart attack. Not sure what kind of sleep I'll get, if any. I may double down the painkillers tonight.  Waaaa!!!!

Napscan

I had my tri monthly Mugga scan today. They had me lay down on the table to take my blood via IV. Usually I sit in a chair, but the room was busy. So when my Croatian nurse was done she asked me if I just wanted to stay in the room on the table and nap. I said sure, I had a pillow and she gave me a blanket. I didn't sleep but zoned out and mini napped. A few times it was really quiet and then I heard someone and I thought it was one of my kids, like I was home. I was there for 1 hours 45 minutes! It was a long one! But they did tell me I was their favorite patient-because they remember me. How nice.   They will let my doctor know my results. For some reason I'm not worried about my heart, maybe I should be, but I'm not.

I'm currently still worried about the odd pain/sensation in my belly. It's back. I guess it's time to talk to a specialist. I'm just flippin' scared to have them find something else bad. 

Going to even out tomorrow, bet that hurts. I really need a break from discomfort.  Argh. 

Fending off the Bug

My stomach hurts. I'm hoping and crossing fingers and toes that I am not getting what my kids had. Dane missed school today, he was still not feeling well. I'm willing myself to dodge the stomach bug bullet. Yuck. 

This week is a non stop week and I'm already dreading it. I called the doctor's office today to talk about the next steps for my expansions. I talked with his assistant and here is the plan: I go to see her on Wednesday and she is going to even me out. This means expansion on the sore side only. I am 50 cc's different. Then next Friday I will meet with the doctor and see what he thinks.  If I'm not in ridiculous pain, and he thinks I can continue I will at least do one more. I don't want to regret not going big enough, but I don't want to hurt myself either. It's a one time shot. More difficult decisions.   I have to call back tomorrow because I have herceptin that day and maybe I can bump the other appointment closer to it so I can manage my time better. More juggling. My life's a circus!

My body aches from these expanders and lack of sleep-I was warned about it, and we know how great if a sleeper I am already.

New day tomorrow-maybe we won't get any more snow! Yes snow, Mother Nature is a jokster!

Sunday Morning

I've decide since I mainly blog from my phone or iPad now that I should try not to limit myself to night time posts. Because, right now I'm doing one of my favorite things in the world, sitting on my front porch drinking coffee. About a year ago I did a lot if sitting on this porch, and laying on my enclosed porch-but this year is, and will be different. I have hair, I have some form of boobs, and I feel better-physically and mentally. Less totally freaked out. Oh, and I get a few hours of sleep here and there.

I'm alone with my dog, the kids were fed Belgian waffles with strawberries and whipped cream(my fave). Brad out for breakfast with a buddy. It's quietish and the birds are singing. Nice. Of course it could have a mountain or ocean view, that would make this even better-but I live in Illinois and I'll take what I can get.

My neighbor asked me how I felt going into this summer as compared to last summer-it's day night and day. I'm still always nervous about things and I always will be. I'm banking on the words of wisdom by people who are years out, "it gets easier with time." I feel like I can make some summer plans for fun and travel. No time like the present, as none of us know our future.

Yesterday, I spent the entire day playing nurse mom to Mars who threw up every sip of water all day. We both missed the nice weather. We were both bummed. She thanked me for taking care of her, how sweet is that?! I told her that she took care of me when I needed it, that's what we do. She's a very special little girl.

 I have a lot of work for school I'm trying to wrap up, yesterday was a wash. Planning on hitting the library today to finish up. Somedays I wish we could sell it all and become ex-pats and move away. Not sure where, but somewhere that I can have my coffee overlooking mountains or oceans-or even a pond with a cornfield....

Maybe it's time to seriously consider these dreams...maybe.

End of the Week....

TGIF. It has been a long week-since Wednesday it has been painful, otherwise just busy. Busy doesn't bother me-pain does.  It's a little better today, but the nights are the worst. I'm trying the Norco again to help with my shifting during the night.  I'm hunching over again due to feeling very protective of myself. Anticipating that if I get hit it's going to hurt something fierce. I tried calling the doc this afternoon to chat about the best way to deal, but they were gone. I'm looking for a suggestion of heating pad or ice...maybe I'll google it.

Spent sometime helping a friend celebrate his U.S. Citizenship tonight. I also hopefully helped a friend face some of the fears this "club" has to offer. I never know what to say, but I can relate. All I can say is that I understand and that I'm here.  I'm truly banking on this year to be better. Overall it has been. I'm on the road to a new me, had a fabulous vacation and everything else has been okay. I try to forget the pain and suffering and move on. I kind of forgot about those drains already! I count my blessings daily. We all should.  I was feeling a little down-need to snap out of it. I'll work on that this weekend.

TGIF

Still Stretching

I never blog from the computer anymore only the iPad, and it kind of bugs me. It's much harder to write on here.  Anyway, last night I resorted to Norco. The pain was pretty bad and I knew it was going to be a rough night. If I laid absolutely still I was okay. But one inch, or god forbid I had to sit up ( 2x) it was rotten. It still hurt today but gradually a little less. Plus I kept up on the Advil. I described my current status to my cousin as it feels like I'm carrying two rocks. I need to decide how much further I'm going to fill and stretch. I first need to get evened out. I think I'd like to try a little more. From what I've heard most women wish they went bigger. I may just need to listen to my body and not have a choice. It totally sucks that I'll never be the same. It's still a shock to me, even after a year. It looks like it will be six to eight weeks after my last fill that we'll switch out. Thinking early to mid June. 

I plan to go straight to Norco for getting me through the night. 

Head On

Well, reality hit hard and strong. Getting up for work was tough the last few days because of the two hour time adjustment. Marley won't go to bed until 10, because her body says it's 8:00! Argh! Reality was also thrown in my face Monday afternoon because I had to go for herceptin. I was supposed to have it the Friday of vacation but we bumped it to Monday. Let see, last Friday I was in Bellingham, Wa.watching the kids play in the pool, the Friday before that we were at O'Hare...both more fun than an infusion.  Okay, I lie a little. I like the nurses there a ton. They're fun to talk to and they are treat me like a human. I enjoy the time I spend with them. However-I wish it was for something else...like they were my hairdressers or manicurists...not my vampires and drug pushers.

Reality hit me even harder today. I have been experiencing some pinching on my bad side the last few days, but around 2:00p.m. it amped up. The pinching became more frequent and intense. By the time I got in my car, my eyes were watering. I'm so done with having my breath taken away by pain... How about I trade it for a stunning vista, or glorious sunset?  Lucky for me I had an appointment for a fill this afternoon. Doc wasn't in, but his assistant was, who I see most of the time anyway. I told her about it and she thinks it's the edge of the expander poking around. She thought the fill would help. In some way she's right. Because now, I'm in so much flipping pain from the fill I don't even notice the pinching. I can barely move. It feel like a protruding rock is being pushed through my skin. It's very uncomfortable. I did very little tonight. My house is a wreck because we came home, went back to work and have been running with baseball, softball, piano, band concert, brownies and girls on the run...oh yeah and treatments.! And it's only Wednesday!

I managed to get myself up in bed. Mars is with me, she said she didn't feel well. We were both in tears and retired together. Next week we will talk about how much more my skin can handle. I think I'd like to stretch more, but I say that sans the pain. If this pain doesn't subside, we may be near the end. I'll never be the same or even close. I guess it is what it is. Right now it sucks and that's all I've got to say about that!

Home

I'm currently flying thru the air on the way back to Chicago and thinking of how much I don't want to go home and face reality. While I was on vacation I didn't really think of all the stuff I deal with in my regular life. I really enjoyed the traveling and vacationing life. We're in turbulence right now and whoever has flown with me knows, I'm not a fan. I know it will be fine because life can't be that cruel.  Flying reminds me of my crap because I have to wear my compression sleeve and gauntlet.  I also have to think of next week because I have treatment tomorrow, and a fill on Wednesday. Back to reality.  Poop.

Yikes! We just went thru some serious turbulence....

Anyway, I know reality is about 30 minutes away. I've got a lot to do and plan for. I need to see more of the world and get back to living life to the fullest. I'll also be happy to land safely. 

Our trip was great:

Friday-flew into Seattle-Cedarbrook Lodge our favorite!

Sat-Pike's Market, Aberdeen( not much there, Kurt Cobains hometown) for groceries and to Kalaloch Lodge in the Olympic National Forest-beach at low tide.

Tidal pools and the Hoh Rainforest-2nd night at Kalaloch in the cabins.

Monday-tidal pools and ferry to Victoria, British Columbia 

Monday-Wednesday-Boutique hotel downtown Victoira, Chinatown, fisherman's wharf, sea lions, castles, culture.

Then ferry to Vancouver-two nights at the St.Regis downtown. Boutique/fancy hotel(tiny) Walking! Aquarium, poutine, Szechuan, steam clocks and waterfront. Culture galore! 

Halfway back after suspension bridge and awesome brew pub in Bellingham, WA.

Then market in the morning-back to Seattle-EMP museum-very cool exhibits on Nirvana (also happened to be the 20 year anniversary of Cobain's suicide), horror movies, science fiction and the world of fantasy...then back to Cedarbrook Lodge and an amazing dinner at Copperleaf-wild boar, mmm.

Fly home. Back to reality. Need to plan next adventure.

Back in the USA

Belugas, Szechuan, poutine.

City of skyscrapers and world foods....

Upscale boutique hotel so tiny...prime real estate.

Looming mountains, sea plains and coffee....

Back in USA...

Greetings From....

Had a busy day of feeding sea lions and touring a castle... Some charcuterie and craft brew too.  End the evening with some Pho.  Hope you're having a great break also!