Enough for One Day....

I am quite glad I took a break from the heavy stuff, because it all came flooding back today.  I had my MUGA scan today-it went fine.  I really hate IV's and all that, but the results came back in the normal range. I looked it up and I am close to not being in the normal range, so I emailed my doctor to ask what that means. Especially because I read that Herceptin can cause heart damage. Great, another thing to file away in the "Could Happen" drawer.  After that test, I went to meet the radiologist with Brad.  She is kind of stony, very business-no warmth at all.  Too bad.  Glad she is a radiologist and I don't have to see her often, in fact she is going to leave at the end of he month for a maternity leave, so I won't see much of her at all.  I will get her colleague.  Anyway, lots of information, disappointment and overload.

On the good side she said the tough stuff is over, radiation should be a lot easier.  She also said she should be able to get me in after school for the most part so I don't have to take time off to do the 33 treatments.  She also said the risks of radiation outweigh the possible side effects, short and long term.  That's about it on the good side.  33 treatments.

The disappointing side is that she said that I won't be able to get the surgery in January. She said she recommends 3-4 months after treatment to do reconstruction. However, she also pretty much said she has never had a patient like me who is having delayed reconstruction.  All of her patients come with the expanders-I told her my story.  She said she has read about better results for delayed reconstruction due to the tissue healing better and less chance of wound infection. That's good I guess.  Do I have a choice in any of this if I want to live? Not really. So my glimmer of hope for a start of a new body is gone. Now I have no idea of when anything will happen. WTF. 

She also said that some side effects could be: fatigue (great!), burns (most likely), shortness of breath, fractured ribs (ouch), down the road target area cancer (joy), and chronic lymphedema.  I don't want lymphedema. She said if I get it, I will have it for the rest of my life.  She said though, because I haven't had it, that helps my chances of not getting it. So much information and things to think about and process.  Just makes my head ache. I have this terrible image of what I am going to turn into. I don't want to be a fat, boobless, woman with a giant swollen arm for the rest of my life just waiting for the next cancer to come that one of my treatments caused. I don't want that at all. I can't let that happen. I am not going to get lymphedema, just not!!! This is all so scary and tiring.  This is physically and mentally taxing.  I am not being negative, I am being a realist. I think I am going to be okay, and I want to be okay, but I need doctors to stop telling me all this crap!  I don't want to go to doctors all the time.  Oh, and get this. The lady who was doing my MUGA scan started flapping her jaw about how her mom had bc and went through radiation and then got soft tissue cancer from it.  Really? Really?  That is what you tell your patients?  I told her to not tell me anything else.  Really?!?!??!  Can't people just shut up?  No sensitivity what so ever. She made me cry.

Next step-Wednesday.  I go back to radiation for a "planning" session.  This is when they make my mold (I keep thinking like Han Solo in that freezy thing) and start planning my radiation.  This appointment is another fun filled hour.  Then we decide on a start date.  She said we can start about anytime after a week of planning, it takes her a few days to get it all dialed in.  She was thinking the 20th.  I am not sure I care, except that the 18th I already have two after school doctor appointments and am not sure how to be in 3 places.  I can always take part of the day off of school, but I am trying to avoid that if possible. I need to start thinking that I need to just take care of all this now, get it done and things should be less and less at the doctor after radiation.  After the new year, it looks like every three weeks for the Herceptin and who knows when for surgery. Not January.  Maybe March or April? Round it to a full year. Awesome.  Maybe they can do the change out in July, and take my port out at the same time.  No, that is too long.  But who knows.

So that is that.  Enough for one day.  Turn me over, I'm done.

Sunday

I have decided to return to my blogging for a number of reasons, but mainly right now because it is dreary and I am bored.  It's not like it was another wasted day, we got up and went to the flea market and walked around. I bought one creepy doll, one creepy doll head and a nice sweater from someone who had a boutique shop/sample sale items.  Nothing major. It was cool, sunny and crisp. Just the perfect temp to walk around looking at treasures, crap and handmade goods.  After that we ran home, fed the kids and took them to auditions for a local theater play.  This was the first experience of auditions so Brad and I stayed the whole time which was 2.5 hours long.  There were about 40 kids and not nearly that many parts.  There were definitely kids who have been there before and know the ropes.  I am proud of my kids for just trying out.  If they make it great, if they don't, totally fine with that also.  They said it was going to be 3-4 times a week until the play in December. Yikes. Plus, it isn't after school, it is after dinner! I am going to have some tired kids if this happens.  Good experience either way.

As for me I am doing alright. I am sore again because I am off chemo.  The healing process is going on again and I am tight and uncomfortable.  I really don't enjoy always feeling crappy.  Tomorrow I have the Mugga (or Muggle scan as Karen calls it) and then I meet with the radiologist.  This should give me a plan for radiation, and a schedule I hope. I have a feeling there will be a lot of juggling going on in the next few months.  I do feel like I am getting more energy back, feeling a little more like myself.  I cannot overly exert myself, but more like the multitasking, want to do things old self.  Maybe this will help wear me out, being just me can be tiring.  I am still bummed about the sushi incident, what a waste of food and money!  I have no desire to try again anytime soon.  The last time I had sushi was the day I found out I had BC.  Think I am that crazy that I could manifest a distaste for sushi because of that?  I don't think so,  because I was looking forward to it.  Maybe just didn't settle right.  Oh well.  I would be sad if I was turned off by other foods too...however, maybe it would do my waistline good.

Anyway, that is all that is going on really.  Trying to get by mentally and physically.  Trying to stay sane, be mom, be wife, be teacher, be friend, take care of a house and be me.  I take it treatment by treatment. I don't like the day by day thing, that seems super bleak.  I need larger chunks, bigger hurdles to conquer and then say, I did that.  It is over.

Hoping for the best for everything and everyone.  I have to be my blood type. BPositive.

Forgot to hit publish when I wrote this around 4 p.m.- was so bored I baked muffins and cupcakes.  I also made homemade tortilla chips, because we had avocados that needed turning into guacamole. Nothing like standing in front of the stove deep frying tortillas.  Not sure what I was thinking.  It was a busy and full day.  Yes, I am tired...but see the change in energy level?  I wouldn't have made it through a day like this last weekend....

Saturday

Average day of cleaning and what not. Brad and I went on a date for sushi at swordfish and unfortunately I could barely eat it! I ordered my favorite foods and I couldn't get it down. Almost gagged. I was sad. Brad had a lot of fish to eat.  It's been the only food aversion this whole time! I wonder why.  We didn't want to go home so we dropped off the leftovers and went for a drink, then gelato. Kept it all in Batavia. Not much else to get into right now.  I will blog better soon. Just need one more day. 

Friday

Well this was the first Friday in a very long time without treatment. For some reason I thought it would be eventful. It wasn't. Pizza and Cake Boss with Brad and Marley.   I talked with a good friend and she helped me realize that the blog is for more than me.  Maybe I'll get my groove back soon. 

Thursday10/3

I still am blocked from writing. Kinda have a pissed off emotion towards the blog, like I have created a monster of all my drama. I don't want drama, I just want a normal life. I'll take some more time.  All of this is so weird. A love hate relationship. There's a lot mulling around in my head and maybe we all need a little less drama and repeated words of my tiredness... It's boring and pathetic. I don't want to be either if those. Damn. Just wrote more about not writing than I wanted to. Ill figure it out. 

Wednesday

I'm kinda taking a break from the dishing of the dirt on myself for a few days. This is my one week off drugs and doctors maybe that has something to do with it. Just don't have the motivation to write much. Hope everyone else is well. Thanks to those who donated to Debby. It's not too late. She was at 85% last time I checked. Race is next Sunday. 

Not Sure

Not sure about blog, not sure about how I feel. I didn't let last night ruin my day. It is what it is and I have to trudge on.