Tomorrow

Two years ago tomorrow I'd come home from work and see Brad working intently on something at the kitchen table. The air was thick and I felt a tension that was off...he kept working and really didn't want to look at me. He stayed busy. I told him we needed to call the doctor because I couldn't go all weekend without the results of the biopsy. I told him it was driving me nuts not knowing. But in my head, good news was just too casual and that they forgot to call. When I went to go to the office to call he asked me to go downstairs to the basement. Then I knew. I knew it was cancer. He told me it was. My husband broke the worst news of my life. The sobbing began.

That was the beginning of my "journey".

It won't be the exact date but it is the correct Friday, which has more impact than the date for me. So here I am. Just about two years later. I've made it this far.  It's been quite a ride-needless to say.  I've never read or asked statistics or prognosis, everyone is different and the survival rate is so much stronger now that things are changing all of the time. I was told if you make it to the two year mark you greatly increase your chances of survival. If you make it to your five year mark its even better. Now I have a three year goal to work towards. I'm assuming that's why you take tamoxifen for five years? Maybe. If the stuff works-keep on it right? Although it can cause uterine cancer.... I'd love to believe I never have to deal with cancer again, and on good days I believe that. I hope and dream that....I don't want to think about having to do it again. Blah,

I was pretty down last week and starting to freak about the two year mark and my upcoming blood tests and oncologist visit. I was starting to find myself perseverating over all the "what ifs" and making deals and bargains with myself.  I found myself strolling down dark places with pointy sticks and scissors facing up...all bad, very bad. I sought a little help. I talked with two friends that are both doing well on the other side. One more fresh than I, and another a 12 year out survivor. Both did something different for me. I am not sure what it is I was looking for, but a few lights turned on in those alleys and my head is doing better. I think it was just in need of some validation of my feelings and someone to listen to me...someone who understands-because if you have not done this first hand you absolutely cannot understand these feelings. You just cannot. It's a different world.

I'm going to try to stay sane for the next couple of weeks before the doctor. I'm really feeling pretty good, besides my ridiculously tight chest and armpit muscles. My PT and masseuse will help me-they always do. I've been having some more aches and chest/implant pain but it seems to be muscular, nothing else really so I'm going to stop freaking about that too.  I'm just going to keep happy thoughts in my head😊.

I need to thank and say I love you to all my friends who have supported me through this ordeal. My goal is to try to thank more of you personally-somehow in my spare time!  

Let's hope I don't get all weirded out in the next few days. 10$ brad has no clue the days....

I'm in it for the long haul. That's the only deal I want to make with myself...just keep living!