TGIF

It is 8:45 a.m.

I am starting my blog early because we hope to be on the road when the kiddies get home from school.  This weekend will give us all a break.  I will be relaxed and outside and you can take a break from my disturbing life for a few days.  Do something fun in my honor this weekend for chemo starts, I mean, 5 years of no raising a cocktail...you may as well shave my head....oh wait... !  Bottoms up to me!... then tell me what it was, a Guinness, a Cosmo, a golden margarita, Bogle petite sirah....Mmmm... I can taste them all.....The teacher in me has given you homework...Cheers!

1:18 p.m.  A visit from Heidi, a visit from Angie and help from Renee...a busy morning!  Renee helped me sort all the clean laundry that has taken over the house.  Brad has kept up on washing it all, but not getting it sorted and put away, and the kids are not all that proficient at this task.  I helped, I may have overdone it a bit, but I can't sit there and watch.  We arranged the cleaning service Angie gifted us to come while we are gone, so we will come home to a clean house.  I told them I would do my best to "pick up" before we left, but if there is something they don't do, just leave it.  We can only do so much.

We are packing up for a family weekend.  I am almost at my 48 hour mark to unbandage port and shower.. I have had 3 showers in the last 16 days... I know right, kind of like going to Dead shows...Thanks to Joellen we have some tasty leftovers who kept us fed this week! We love going to the cabin, because we all just take things slower, physically and mentally. It rejuvenates the soul.  I am  not coming back to the site until Monday night when we return-no service anyway.  I thank all of you for being in my corner, sending me your thoughts and prayers and genuinely caring about me and my family. I love you all and will back on Monday.... Don't forget your homework....  Hugs!  Have a GREAT weekend....

Low Key

The best part of today was the sunshine. Last night going to bed was horrible. I was in tears from the pain as a result of both surgeries and healing at the same time. The boa constrictor across my chest and underarm is tightening and fierce. My bad arm became my good arm, and the whole right side of my neck, shoulder and chest were all tender from the port procedure. I would say it was the most uncomfortable night yet. Think about it, your arms and armpits are all connected to your chest muscles and all of that is involved. No matter how stiff and straight you try to be, you heave when you breathe, and god forbid sneeze.  While in the hospital, I had a lot of drugs to mask the pain, home not the same.  I slept okay because I took two Norco, totally justified.  Woke up and took one more.  This day was kind of a slugfest.  I pretty much did nothing.  Well, actually I had a great conversation with my new friend Katie, who gave me a lot of information and encouraging words for this upcoming chemo process.  As much as I hate to think of all the women who are, or have gone through this, it is comforting to have a few people pioneer the way and share their knowledge.  I am taking note, because someday I may be that person.  I hope not.

Brad set me up on the deck and I read a bit and then took a nap in the sun.  Not bothering with hair washing or anything today, I just don't care.  I am tired, I am worn out.  I did not anticipate feeling like this.  I thought it was going to be an in and out thing and no big deal.  I am sure it is the combo of healing and new wound.  My body is working on overtime. Good body, stay strong.  Hoping for a little more relief tomorrow so we can check out and go north for the weekend.  I need my nature. Nature=Nurture.  Good night. :)

oops

I forgot to hit publish.  I am a slug today.  Sore and unmotivated. This port is achy and tender.  Going to be a couch potato until I can move outside... Have a great day and enjoy the sun. I had to drink my coffee out of a straw...lamo

iPort

According to Marley, I had my IronMan surgery today.  We were wondering if we could charge ipads and phones in my port, that would be convenient. This hopefully will be my last IV.  Of course it was the worst too. She didn't want my arm, she wanted my hand.  Oh, how I hate it in the hand. It was more on the side wrist and she had to dig around. That made me clench and then all my veins disappeared and she had to dig some more. I wanted to barf.  The surgery went well, according to the people involved.  I guess I talked my way through this one too.  I was talking up Brad, telling everyone it was his birthday, funny things Marley said, etc...  I bet they messed with me and egged me on, I would have if I was a nurse or doc in there...  I just never stopped talking, making bad jokes, etc...I think it was the anti anxiety drug the anesthesiologist gave me.  I love that woman. She also let me keep my hat on, I was cold of course, plus it was a little part of my identity. They just put a hair cap over it. :)   I was home by 1:30.  Of course I am in pain, uncomfortable again but on the OTHER side now.  I am also not supposed to lift anything more than a styrofoam cup. It hurts to type.  I am truly a T-Rex now.  This should only hurt for about 48 hours - and I have vicodin.  I came home and Brad put in a movie he got for me, Singles. I love that movie.  It was one of our first movie dates too. 10pts. for Brad.

We ordered the Wednesday night catered dinners from Enticing Cuisine for Brad's birthday.  Karen dropped it off. She also made a big cookie cake for him-delish. I have great friends.  I think I will stay on some form of painkiller tonight for the discomfort. No need to be a hero. The funniest thing came out of Marley, and of course I told that story under sedation too. She asked me when I was going to get my drag race boobies.  I was like, "???". She said the fake boobies like at a drag race.  I knew where she was going with this... then I picked her brain and asked her where she knew the word "drag", and if she knew its meaning.  First she said, "It's when a man wears ladies clothes and shoes."  Well, yes it is.  After some smarty pants answers she said a drag race is when men race each other in women's clothing.  I laughed.  She had seen this on DC Cupcakes and was right on.  I explained the play on words and we both laughed.  So until I get reconstruction, I will get some drag race boobies.  Gotta love the kids. Boys are going to shoot tonight, I have had to hang up my bow for awhile. Sniff, sniff. Just when I find an archery club and start a league. Bummer.  Patty is going to come and babysit me for a bit while they are gone.

I think I have a bit of anxiety relief now that I have a little time off.  I am going to spend the week before chemo gearing up for new normal. I am healing good, I am going to sign up for things at Living Well, I am going to ask for help when needed, I am going to rest and behave, and I am going to get all my cocktails in before next Friday.... Cheers!

Blah

Sorry I didn't invite all of you to this morning's pity party, it was spontaneous. I realize that the mornings are the hardest part of my day.  Seems odd, but true.  After the kiddos got off to school I had a hard time.  I was running all the things that have to change in my life and for how long and my healing, constricting chest got tighter and tighter.  All the logistics of going each week for some form of treatment, all the side effects, the wait for reconstruction, all the things I have to give up. Poop.  I have to be on one of the drugs for 5 years, and guess what...you are not supposed to drink.  Really?!  Now, I am not an alcoholic, by any means, but I am the girl who on a Friday afternoon starts tasting the beer I covet for the rest of the day... I like to have a few glasses of wine with the girls, are you kidding? Take away my boobs, take away my hair, take away my freedom, take away my drug free body and take away my beer?  What next coffee?  No, okay I get one cup a day... big deal.  So I threw a pity party for myself. Brad was invited whether he wanted to be or not.  He listened and gave me his two cents.  I totally understand that I have to do this, but nobody is going to convince me that I want to.  I am upset about stupid things, superficial things and beer.  The world was built on beer you know.  I think it was just evaluating the changes I have to make, unwilling change. Poor, poor me. This is to save my life, of course I should be okay with giving those things up...I am...(but doesn't mean it doesn't bother me).

Party over.  Shower #2.  While I was in the shower I was wondering why there aren't services for hot showers. Not truck stop showers, but we pay for massages and treatments of the same nature. What if there were beautiful showers, with great shower heads, water that could be infused with chamomile or another aromatherapy, you get big loofahs, maybe a bench, different soaps and shampoos, music and just let the water rain down on you..... I think I know my new business....

Muga scan.  Another fun day at the office.  My car now is on auto pilot to the med. building.  I am lucky that everything is nearby, less than 15 minutes to get there.  The nurse who was to be my technician was very nice, they all have been.  She asked me my name and dob, I told her. Her reply was, "you don't want to be here do you?".  Kinda transparent right now.  I started venting to her and she stopped what she was doing and just listened.  It has been very helpful that all of the people that have worked on me have been good listeners and kind.  She then stuck me with an IV, bitch. JK.  She blocked the IV and sent me out to hang with Brad.  Half hour later she found me again trying to sneak out the window. Damn.  I came back in and she mixed my blood with some goo and pushed it back into me.  I asked her 3x to make sure that was MY blood and not John Doe's.  Then she hooked 3 ekg patches and jumper cables to me to monitor my heart before taking the scan. They didn't work. She got another set of cables, no go.  She was funny, she was like,"Your'e talking, so I know your'e not dead".

Then she switched out the box, still no heartbeat.  I was panicking. No, not because I was worried about not having a heartbeat silly, I am not that dense, but worried the procedure wouldn't get done pushing everything else off.   Finally, she gave me new ekg patches and then I was found.  Hoo ha!  The rest of the test was lying still.  I am good at that now. Piece of cake.  Over.

Out to lunch with Brad, and home.  I am tired.  Kristin kindly did some birthday shopping for me for Brad, since I am a gimp who can't drive myself anywhere. Now I don't feel like he is being cheated out of anything.  I feel like I have to apologize all the time to him for ruining his life. He thinks I am nuts, but always has, so that is nothing new.  I don't know if it makes sense, but I feel like I have to say sorry I did this to my family, even though we all know it wasn't intentional. I know I need to get over that.  But I am really sorry it has changed our family plan of life. Life is unpredictable.  When life gives you lemons, ask for vodka...at least for the next few days....

Eating a bowl of cereal because I need to be at the surgery center at 8:50 a.m. for the 10:30 procedure, an another no eat or drink after midnight. I should be done by noon and home by 2ish... Let's hope it all goes well and this doesn't add to my pain.  I am wearing down a bit.... but this should be the last procedure or even appointment until chemo starts next Friday.  I need a break.....

Afternoon Edition

This day is insane.  Just returned from chemo class, that was overwhelming.  I heard about all the possible side effects and future damage they can do. I am amazed that doctors and scientists even figured out what chemicals can work and not kill you.  I am so glad I live in this day and age.  During the education, I got a call from the surgeon rescheduling the medi-port procedure... Holy Hell, this is a logistic nightmare now too.  She has two surgeries before me and doesn't want to push mine back to like 6:00 if she needs more time. Heck, she is a mom and wants to have dinner with her kids too.  I get it.  So now, tomorrow is the Mugga scan and that is all as of now.... then on Wednesday I have the medi-port procedure at 9:30 a.m. at a new outpatient facility right there at the medical building where everything else is located. In the past three and a half weeks, I will have had three surgeries at three different places.  Plus on Jan 31, I had the uterine ablation, which I am glad I did so I don't have to worry about that on top of all this, and that was at a different place also. It is kind of like my college hopping, just can't commit.  If anyone needs information or a trip advisor rating on those facilities, see me.

We went through all the drugs and time frame, and I just sat down to realize that I have a minimum of 15 straight months, once a week treatment of some sort.  That is a long time. A long, long time.  I am kind of not happy with that, but what can I do?   I am still feeling constriction and shortness of breath at times. I talked to doc's nurse and she said if it gets worse go to the emergency room. I had the nurse who was teaching us about chemo, who was really great, listen to my heart and lungs and said everything sounded fine. It is worse when I stand. I think it is the healing of my skin and under. It feels all tight, like when your skin closes up. I feel it from the inside, but there is a lot of healing going on in there too.  Feels weird and makes me nervous.  I also stopped taking any medication, and that could be why I feel more things. Brad made me take 3 ibuprofen and I will take a Norco for bed tonight.  They also suggested that I consider an anti depressant.  I am not depressed, but I guess it takes the edge off things, I will think it over.  No drinking for me for the next year-starting next Friday.  What a bummer. It is not like I have to have it, but I like beer or wine socially, it is a weekend thing. And just when we were getting the home brewing thing started. Figures.  I can have one cup of coffee each day, at least I have that.  Small price to pay.

There won't be an evening addition unless something drastic changes and I need to spew about it.  Brad  is getting Dane from play practice then going with him to order baseball goggles, he can't do the contacts.  Going to hang out and be mom.  I have an urge to clean but probably won't. I am trying to listen to my body. Kind of blah right now thinking of time frame...thinking of hair loss, thinking of side effects, thinking of new routine, thinking of port, thinking of restrictions, thinking of loss of control, thinking of two more IV's, thinking of how I am going to do this, thinking, thinking, thinking.....

Morning edition....

Cheese Whiz!  What a morning of chaos.  I just spent the last hour on the phone with everyone trying to figure out my week.  I get a call from the surgeon and she only has tomorrow open in the afternoon to do my port by the time the oncologist wants it.  I had an appointment for a check up with her in the morning and the Mugga test at 11:30.  I call to reschedule the Mugga.  They call back and say that they cannot do it until at least a week after a procedure, and that would be next week and that would put off the chemo starting...NOT GONNA HAPPEN... I called back and back and back, and the plan is to do it all tomorrow and just make it happen.  I will have the Mugga at 11:30.  I told them I will be early and they need to be on time.  Then jump in the car and get to Rush-Copley asap for the surgery.  That should start around 3-3:30- but they wanted me there by 1:00 I will be late.  I will be out in twilight, so I will get to come home that evening. Holy Guacamole...  I have arranged for the kids to go with Kristin, I am pre ordering dinner for Wednesday, which is Brad's birthday so I have something nice for him. Karen told me about carry out Wednesdays at Enticing Cuisine right here in Batavia. Meal for 4 for 21.50. You tell time and it is hot and ready to go.  I think I know my Wednesday dinners forever...(this week is bacon wrapped meatloaf, not my fave, but it is Brad's birthday). I need to do anything I need to do for the next two days today.... Tuesday is a marathon medical day...my favorite.

I got the all clear to shower.... she must have smelled me over the phone. :)  I will get the first full glimpse of the "new me".  Yippie....  Chemo class sounds easy for today... Looks like Norco may be back in the picture tomorrow night...back to staring at the wall..... Have a great day, the sun is finally out!!!!!  I think after the shower I shall walk...maybe to Panera for a smoothie.....