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Sorry I didn't invite all of you to this morning's pity party, it was spontaneous. I realize that the mornings are the hardest part of my day.  Seems odd, but true.  After the kiddos got off to school I had a hard time.  I was running all the things that have to change in my life and for how long and my healing, constricting chest got tighter and tighter.  All the logistics of going each week for some form of treatment, all the side effects, the wait for reconstruction, all the things I have to give up. Poop.  I have to be on one of the drugs for 5 years, and guess what...you are not supposed to drink.  Really?!  Now, I am not an alcoholic, by any means, but I am the girl who on a Friday afternoon starts tasting the beer I covet for the rest of the day... I like to have a few glasses of wine with the girls, are you kidding? Take away my boobs, take away my hair, take away my freedom, take away my drug free body and take away my beer?  What next coffee?  No, okay I get one cup a day... big deal.  So I threw a pity party for myself. Brad was invited whether he wanted to be or not.  He listened and gave me his two cents.  I totally understand that I have to do this, but nobody is going to convince me that I want to.  I am upset about stupid things, superficial things and beer.  The world was built on beer you know.  I think it was just evaluating the changes I have to make, unwilling change. Poor, poor me. This is to save my life, of course I should be okay with giving those things up...I am...(but doesn't mean it doesn't bother me).

Party over.  Shower #2.  While I was in the shower I was wondering why there aren't services for hot showers. Not truck stop showers, but we pay for massages and treatments of the same nature. What if there were beautiful showers, with great shower heads, water that could be infused with chamomile or another aromatherapy, you get big loofahs, maybe a bench, different soaps and shampoos, music and just let the water rain down on you..... I think I know my new business....

Muga scan.  Another fun day at the office.  My car now is on auto pilot to the med. building.  I am lucky that everything is nearby, less than 15 minutes to get there.  The nurse who was to be my technician was very nice, they all have been.  She asked me my name and dob, I told her. Her reply was, "you don't want to be here do you?".  Kinda transparent right now.  I started venting to her and she stopped what she was doing and just listened.  It has been very helpful that all of the people that have worked on me have been good listeners and kind.  She then stuck me with an IV, bitch. JK.  She blocked the IV and sent me out to hang with Brad.  Half hour later she found me again trying to sneak out the window. Damn.  I came back in and she mixed my blood with some goo and pushed it back into me.  I asked her 3x to make sure that was MY blood and not John Doe's.  Then she hooked 3 ekg patches and jumper cables to me to monitor my heart before taking the scan. They didn't work. She got another set of cables, no go.  She was funny, she was like,"Your'e talking, so I know your'e not dead".

Then she switched out the box, still no heartbeat.  I was panicking. No, not because I was worried about not having a heartbeat silly, I am not that dense, but worried the procedure wouldn't get done pushing everything else off.   Finally, she gave me new ekg patches and then I was found.  Hoo ha!  The rest of the test was lying still.  I am good at that now. Piece of cake.  Over.

Out to lunch with Brad, and home.  I am tired.  Kristin kindly did some birthday shopping for me for Brad, since I am a gimp who can't drive myself anywhere. Now I don't feel like he is being cheated out of anything.  I feel like I have to apologize all the time to him for ruining his life. He thinks I am nuts, but always has, so that is nothing new.  I don't know if it makes sense, but I feel like I have to say sorry I did this to my family, even though we all know it wasn't intentional. I know I need to get over that.  But I am really sorry it has changed our family plan of life. Life is unpredictable.  When life gives you lemons, ask for vodka...at least for the next few days....

Eating a bowl of cereal because I need to be at the surgery center at 8:50 a.m. for the 10:30 procedure, an another no eat or drink after midnight. I should be done by noon and home by 2ish... Let's hope it all goes well and this doesn't add to my pain.  I am wearing down a bit.... but this should be the last procedure or even appointment until chemo starts next Friday.  I need a break.....