Feel the Burn

It was nice to not get up because I didn't have to this morning. I slept all night pretty much with the help of NyQuil, which is my new best friend. I can't sleep with the night time hacking cold, so it helps. We worked on the house all day. Kind of looks like a disaster area, but we've got a lot going on. 

Dane had two performances today, he's really enjoying being a part of this cast. I'm really proud of him. 

Tonight we went to a party. I almost didn't go. It took Brad and Marley to help me get dressed and pad my burns. Tears rolled down my cheeks-just trying to get dressed. I want to feel good, I'm toast, burnt toast- almost done! I know, one more. But the pain won't stop instantly, weeks of this to go. :(. The burn cream is good, but I can't use it on the area being treated in the boost. That is bound to crack and peel, I've never seen skin so pink. 

Going to bed and hopefully will sleep all night. One more day if this shitty week, hopefully next week will be better. 

32/33

Wow. I wish I could say, "seems like just yesterday I started frying my body", but I can't. It feels like I have driven to treatment 32 times...it feels like forever-because it's been forever! Ahhhhh!!!!

One more...and on a Monday. Who wants to end on a Monday? We should have just called it a wrap today and moved on....

I'm in quit a bit of discomfort, especially under my arm along my side. It's super pink and raw. The boost is frying along my scar like nobody's business. They told me some of  the burn effects may take up to two weeks to come out...great. I'll be done and it will still getting worse. Fun times. One to go....

I took some NyQuil last night because I have that night time hacking cough. It knocked me out until 3:00 a.m. When I got up. Not sure I slept much after that. 

Tonight was Dane's opening night of his play. It was great, very enjoyable and all the kids did a great job! Dane plays a nerdy doctor who wears this fabulous 70's light green polyester suit. Ha!  It was well done. :) we are very proud of our elf doctor!!!

Looking forward to two days of no zapping. I've currently slathered the medicated ointment on my bad areas and wrapped myself in an ace bandage. Looks like after surgery, reminiscing old times...old sucky memories...I want to be done and on the other side of this...with fresh skin, new body and a clean bill of health! That's what I want for Christmas!!

Wall...again....

I've hit the radiation fatigue wall... It really only kicked in about two days ago but it's a beast. I'm a zombie again. I know I am getting some sleep because I don't get up to pee. I am not resorting to any other drugs-sticking with the melatonin.  I have 2 more treatments! Finally a light at the end of the tunnel. Monday is my last zap!! Who hoo!  I don't feel much like celebrating though. This is has been a tough week-physically and emotionally.  Hoping for a better weekend. 

Where's the Sun?

Now I am having a bad day.
I just wrote a big blog and accidentally hit some stupid button and the whole thing disappeared.  I don't want to write it again. Damn.
Now a quick synopsis:  radiation went fast.  Doctor saw me before she went to the Bahamas, even though I saw other doc yesterday.  Kids had major meltdowns after school,  huge fight, bad words, no Christmas tree threat....outcome okay.

You know, I just don't have it in me to rewrite all of what I had.  It was good too-an important day, getting the Christmas tree.  See, Dane and I have a tradition and we had to break it and take Marley. That caused a huge fight also.  Anyway, they got over it and we went to Home Depot and picked a tree. I said no tree if not tonight, they would all be frozen. It was now or never. False threat, but it worked.  Then we headed to Starbucks and to Nancy's to get our Christmas tree pizza.  Old tradition, new member.  Deal with it. Regular evening otherwise.  Mobility is limited. Skin is tight and looks like corned beef.  Mmm.

I give up. I don't feel like blogging anymore tonight. Going to slather some medicated goop on my open wounds.
Oh, and I need some sunshine...can't take much more of this dreary shit.

WTF?

I cried today. Not because I had to get up early. Not because I didn't sleep well. Not because my skin feels like someone took a potato peeler to it. Not becuse I backed into a car. Not because it's gloomy. But because today another person I care about has to deal with cancer. I hate cancer. It is awful and mean. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!!!!  I will never embrace it, I will never find the good in it, it sucks and that's the bottom line. I will never understand its randomness...it's just not fair. 

I had the first of my last 5 boost treatments. These are quicker so that's the only bonus there. Saw the other radiologist, the one I started with, because my other one went to the Bahamas! Must be nice. Anyway, they looked at my burns and called in a prescription for some burn cream. Of course Osco calls and they don't have it and will get it by tomorrow.  Time to switch pharmacy. They seem to lack supplies. Now I wait for the cream, which sucks because my mobility on then left side is pathetic and I want the healing to start.

Busted tired, but Dane had a band concert tonight. He missed play practice, the kid is busy...all good for him.

Home now and ready to hit the cortisone....I sound like an old lady...

To all my friends out there, stay on top of things. Listen to your body.  Listen to what other people have experienced. Learn. Don't ignore information. Fucking cancer is an equal opportunity destroyer-anywhere in the body. We must revolt against it...we need to help and support each other as well as educate. Listen to yourself and others. Be brave. Be strong.

Rare

Raw meat. That's how I can describe my flesh...raw. Pink. Sore. Peeled...then burned some more....radiation treatment is undersold for pain. "It's a piece of cake"...they said... If you like to eat molten Siracha and glass cake... Sure you don't lose your hair, but how about the third degree burns? How about the constant pain of skin tightening and cracking open? Yeah, not my kind of cake! Even on my hardest chemo, I was down for one week and felt great for two...this is now constant 24/7 pain. "It's a breeze", my ass!

Okay, done with that rant. 

Finished my last treatment in the sorest of areas today. It felt like skin was going to bust open while treating. I had four days off and not getting in that position...wasn't easy today.   Last 5, concentrated along scar... However.. That area has also already had 28 treatments....guess what's going to hurt like a bitch next?  Can I cry now?

Went to reiki tonight. She took a long time and I was very relaxed. Grounded. I had a troubling phone call prior and that consumed half my brain and counter balanced my happy place thoughts.  It's progress, because last time I had reiki, my brain was like a squirrel on crack.

Tired now. That meditative, chakra aligning makes me tired. It also may be the fatigue from radiation (which I forgot about as a side effect until they asked), or  because I couldn't sleep until ten this morning.... Doesn't really matter, going to bed shortly.

Found 11 cents on the floor of Target, that's gotta be good right?

Tucked Away....

I'm blogging from the car while returning from four nights tucked away in our cabin in Wisconsin. We went up Wednesday after treatments and holed up, unplugged for a relaxing and healing getaway.  No treatments, no laundry.... Nothing really. It was just what I needed.  It was also what my skin needed. I alternated aloe with cortisone, and soaks and aquaphore... Just kept slathering....my shoulder area is now raw and peeling... So dry. One more treatment in that area. Can't wait for it all to be done. Just 6 more. 

I only took melatonin for sleep, making the transition from drugs to a more natural remedy.  Did okay, but what was key is that we didn't get our of bed until like 10 a.m., like 3 mornings in a row! It was dark and cozy.... And we could!!! Yeah! I almost finished a 500+ page book, we did a puzzle, made some crafts, sat by the fire, baked cookies, games, and visited friends who were up at their cabin for the weekend. The kids built forts in the woods thew while time.

I'm still very sore and uncomfortable. I'm really tired of this feeling. I think I've held my own, but I want a break... A long one.. But I know that isn't realistic. As soon as I heal from this, it's surgery... The road to feeling free of discomfort is a long one still.... :(.  But I'm making progress. This is the longest 9 months....and I thought pregnancy was hard! But soon I will be done with the major treatments. I started so long ago, so long. 

Oh well, at least I had a rejuvenating weekend. Since I was sick with a cold, it was good for me not to be home where I would have felt obligated to do stuff...I had no obligations and loved it. :)

Back to the real world soon....6 more days...I think I can, I know I can...