Be Positive

I have to remind myself of this daily. I have to use it as a mantra or else I get in some funky and not so good daydreams...rather nightmares. I feel like there is always some pain or an issue and I default to cancer. When in reality it most likely isn't. I'm not sure when to go to a doctor or when to freak out. Mainly most everything goes away. All the old lady aches and pains are made so much scarier. How do you do this.?  How do I turn off the default? I sometimes don't think of cancer at all, like when I'm busy. But driving, cleaning or other quiet times I go to bad places. I need help. I think I'm going to look into something because I want those quiet times to be filled with happier thoughts. People don't understand the mental battle is never over. I have so much to live for, that the thought of not living scares the crap out if me. Maybe I'm just mental. I know, get over it. This shit screws you up forever! I want my old life back. :(

Checking In

It's back to work and the daily grind of juggling life, work, family and all the other stuff. Overall I'm feeling pretty good. I have aches and pains, but most likely because I'm getting old. My left side is still very tight and sore, I think I'll make an appointment to see the plastic surgeon. He can take a look, reassure me of the scar tissue areas and maybe we can schedule the fat fill. I'm going on a real diet tomorrow, so we should get this fat while it's abundant. How's that for positivity.

I have some tough days. I'm scared that something bad is lurking around the corner. I wish I could just "get over it", but having HAD cancer isn't that easy to just get over. This is a very lonely phase, the moving on part with the fear. Nobody wants to listen to what I fear, so I keep it to myself. Nobody wants to hear the tough stuff, so it's just easier to say all is fine. I don't think it can be understood unless the same shoes have been walked in. I get up each day as happy as a clam to be here. Happy to spend time with my kids and enjoy another day. It's not unrealistic to fear losing that. If it is, then maybe I'm just mental. Cuckoo. 

I'm blessed with each day, but it doesn't mean I don't want about 14,000 more!!! 

What a Difference a Year Makes

Tomorrow I start a new school year with a fresh batch of kiddos! Last year I was so nervous about going back because I barely had any hair and was in the middle of treatment. Somehow I made it through. I finished chemo, radiation and surgery all while teaching full time. I'm pretty sure I have no idea how I did that. This year is much better. I have a full head of hair, and am done with all the hard stuff. I worry about every ache and pain and I just hope and pray to all entities who will listen, that all I endured worked. I am working hard at moving on.

I feel pretty good. I do whatever I want. I have some sore muscles across the left side and back. It's all connected so I can feel it when I stretch. I also think working in the camper last weekend made me sore. I always forget what I did prior to the aches. I believe I'm good to go and am living my life in that manner. I wish I didn't have so many daily reminders, pill, horrible scars, short hair, extra pounds (which are slowly coming off), stiffness and overall feeling of being damaged goods. Maybe I've completed the hard physical stuff-now to conquer acceptance of the me that I am.  It's all way better than the alternative! I'm happy to be here! Very happy.

Hello

It's been awhile since I've checked in, so here I go. I'm feeling really good lately. I just came back from a trip Brad sent the kids and I on-to Disneyworld! For unforeseen reasons, we had to cancel the trip we had planned to Costa Rica to celebrate me finishing up. So Brad knew it was important for me to do something kind of big with the kids-so Disney it was. Plus, he didn't have much interest in going. So we went! We had a great time, absolutely exhausting. We walked and walked until our feet were blistered but we did a ton! The first night, travel night, I was worried because I had been having some back pain and that weird stomach pain again. I thought, oh no, here we go. So the last thing of that night I rode the Space Mountain roller coaster. When I was done my back and stomach pain were gone. I think everything got jolted back in place. Yeah!

I was worried because I feel something hard on my left side, but it's all along my scar, which is scar tissue. Duh. I'm wondering when the paranoia will cease. Will it ever? I have so much to live for and cannot let this ruin my life. I am moving on. I almost believe and feel like it never happened. Unfortunately I have many daily reminders. Maybe it will get easier. It takes time. And I hope I have lots and lots of time!

Just Checking In

I'd like to say that I should end my blogging, because I'm done with all the hard stuff, but until I feel safely away from it all, it's still pretty prevalent.  I'm still feeling good, a bit of that odd stomach thing again but maybe a few Tums can ward off an ulcer. Or maybe it's because I've been more active and parts that have been dormant are awake. It's hard to know. I have to work hard at not letting myself get scared.  The other day Dane told me he often has "grim" thoughts that make him start to cry. I knew what those were and told him that THAT is not in my plans. 

This summer has had a whole other ball of wax stress and I'm hoping that soon we can get back on track, and wipe away these hard times. 

Back Home

I'm back from a very cool weekend in NYC. Kristin and I covered a lot of ground and saw many neighborhoods and street fairs/vendors. We ate good food and talked to nice people. We really enjoyed Manhattan. Today we walked around Central Park and did a little shopping. Flight home was quick and easy. Kids were happy to see me and vice versa. Marley was really thrilled with the Cake Boss stuff I brought home for her. Fun weekend! Back to reality. 

Tired Feets

We walked about 10 miles today all around New York City. This was officially logged via fitbit! My feets hurt! New York is great, enjoying the city so far-I'll be a little slow I bet tomorrow.