My First Cut

After 18 months of working hard growing hair, I bit the bullet and went in for a trim. The stylist couldn't believe the length for that time frame-go me.  She trimmed off some of my nasty, gnarly curls and took off some weight. Of course she straightened it, they always do. It looks nice, almost like the old me. Marley told me it looked "great", in her super sweet tone that melts my heart. Dane asked me if I got bangs and didn't even notice it wasn't curly...then again he has two strikes against him-he's almost 14-and he's a guy. :)

I really feel that last weeks check up was my new lease on life, my second chapter.  I feel awesome inside and out. Looking forward to continued health and happiness. For a long, very long time. 

Almost the Old Me

News of the Day

I should be sending a more detailed blog with a current picture of me and my luscious hair and all, but I can't seem to find time to do that-and I really want to share my news. 

I've made it two years. I am a survivor of two years already. Yesterday was the two year from my surgery and I had an appointment with my oncologist. I had blood drawn earlier in the week and I went Friday for her to read them and chat. They sent me my results in three batches throughout the week-but I deleted them all. I knew nothing good would come from me knowing they weren't good and not seeing her until Friday. So I didn't look. A few people thought I was crazy, but it actually helped me get through the week. Why ruin a week-potentially. 

My tests came back normal, all of them. Granted I didn't have a scan-but there is no reason to have one. I'm still at the leveled playing field as any other healthy person. Sure, I've got some battle wounds but I have plans for those.

I'm so relieved and happy. I feel like things may work out for me. They say if you make it two years it increases your longevity ( I hate "survival rate"). Next milestone is five years. So three to go!

Next steps: surgery on April 16 to fix up top and sometime soon I get my port removed! Yeah! 

So happy! I know everyone's thoughts and prayers have helped me. I know it. Thank you and big hugs! 

I'll work on posting a picture soon!

Tomorrow

Two years ago tomorrow I'd come home from work and see Brad working intently on something at the kitchen table. The air was thick and I felt a tension that was off...he kept working and really didn't want to look at me. He stayed busy. I told him we needed to call the doctor because I couldn't go all weekend without the results of the biopsy. I told him it was driving me nuts not knowing. But in my head, good news was just too casual and that they forgot to call. When I went to go to the office to call he asked me to go downstairs to the basement. Then I knew. I knew it was cancer. He told me it was. My husband broke the worst news of my life. The sobbing began.

That was the beginning of my "journey".

It won't be the exact date but it is the correct Friday, which has more impact than the date for me. So here I am. Just about two years later. I've made it this far.  It's been quite a ride-needless to say.  I've never read or asked statistics or prognosis, everyone is different and the survival rate is so much stronger now that things are changing all of the time. I was told if you make it to the two year mark you greatly increase your chances of survival. If you make it to your five year mark its even better. Now I have a three year goal to work towards. I'm assuming that's why you take tamoxifen for five years? Maybe. If the stuff works-keep on it right? Although it can cause uterine cancer.... I'd love to believe I never have to deal with cancer again, and on good days I believe that. I hope and dream that....I don't want to think about having to do it again. Blah,

I was pretty down last week and starting to freak about the two year mark and my upcoming blood tests and oncologist visit. I was starting to find myself perseverating over all the "what ifs" and making deals and bargains with myself.  I found myself strolling down dark places with pointy sticks and scissors facing up...all bad, very bad. I sought a little help. I talked with two friends that are both doing well on the other side. One more fresh than I, and another a 12 year out survivor. Both did something different for me. I am not sure what it is I was looking for, but a few lights turned on in those alleys and my head is doing better. I think it was just in need of some validation of my feelings and someone to listen to me...someone who understands-because if you have not done this first hand you absolutely cannot understand these feelings. You just cannot. It's a different world.

I'm going to try to stay sane for the next couple of weeks before the doctor. I'm really feeling pretty good, besides my ridiculously tight chest and armpit muscles. My PT and masseuse will help me-they always do. I've been having some more aches and chest/implant pain but it seems to be muscular, nothing else really so I'm going to stop freaking about that too.  I'm just going to keep happy thoughts in my head😊.

I need to thank and say I love you to all my friends who have supported me through this ordeal. My goal is to try to thank more of you personally-somehow in my spare time!  

Let's hope I don't get all weirded out in the next few days. 10$ brad has no clue the days....

I'm in it for the long haul. That's the only deal I want to make with myself...just keep living!

It's Been Awhile

Time for an update. I've been going to physical therapy twice a week after work to continue to gain mobility in my left arm/shoulder/chest. I've made a lot of progress but am still tight and am pretty sure I'll be stiff forever.  It does frighten me that I couldn't tell the difference between stretched pain or something bad. I hurt chronically.  It is what it is. Some days the pain is very uncomfortable. I don't complain. No point. I just deal. People rarely ask how I am anymore, that's good. It's not my identifier. 

I went to see my plastic surgeon today to discuss the upcoming surgery scheduled for March 2nd. After discussing the procedure and recovery, we decided to postpone it to April. Even though I've waited six months for this day to come, if I go through with it in March I will have limited physical activity for spring break...and if you know me, things that ruin trips are very, very bad.  Doc said he would move around his schedule and get me in asap in April. So we have a win win situation. What's another month?

We went through the procedure and I had to tell him to stop using the term, "fat harvesting" while making a sawing gesture. I said it was a term definitely coined by a man and completely nasty. We had a good laugh. I also wanted to laugh when he said he could harvest my flanks. I am just another piece of meat! Ha.

It all sounds pretty nasty, but I trust him. He was impressed that I had done some research ahead of time so I could discuss it with him.

So for now I wait for the date. I'll continue PT, and on the 20th of March I see my oncologist for labs. Pretty sure I'll be completely freaked out by then. In a few weeks I will have reached my two year mark. They say if you make it two years you have a better chance of survival. If you make it five you're practically golden. 

I need to get through these next blood tests and continue on the path to healing. 

I hope I dont go too crazy in the meantime. 

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, I know I did. Just being with the kids and Brad made me happy. I am grateful for another holiday with my family and becoming more and more encouraged that I am going to be around a lot longer.  This is a long healing process and I work on it internally all day, everyday. 

I had a ton of fun events and celebrations this season from parties, cookie exchanges, goofy grab bags, too much eating and drinking, family Christmas Eve and Christmas Day fun and my and Marleys birthdays! Phew! No wonder I am tired and fat!

Looking forward to chucking the desserts and starting fresh. I plan on no major surgeries or issues this year, so I will focus on not feeling so old and beat up! 

Merry Christmas!!! I love you all! 

My Little Girl is 10

10 years ago, my life changed...my angel was born. 10 years ago I didn't know I could love a second child as much as my first. 10 years has gone by so fast. I am grateful for my 10 years with Marley and plan to be celebrating a whole lot more with her.  Happy Birthday Baby!