I think I am becoming boring. That somehow seems to be a good thing. I don't have a lot to report on the side effects page, and I am not doing all that much otherwise. I was always worried if I would become boring-didn't think it was possible :). I guess it is good, in a way. I had a pretty decent week, had good blood counts and should have another good week before chemo. I guess it doesn't make for good blogging. But what I want is to chronicle this whole journey, even my good weeks. The good weeks are the most important, I get to goof with my kids and be a normal mom. That is the good stuff. This is why I am doing it, so I can go to games, decorate rooms and make breakfast. This morning Dane and I went to the Farmer's Market and to some garage sales, we spent the whole morning together. We are spending a lot of good mom and son time lately and I love it.
My one issue, the let's never say the word issue, is horrible. If this doesn't take care of itself, I am going to stop eating so I never have to deal with it again. I am mortified and it is very, very painful. But like everything else, I can hide my discomfort and act like everything is hunky dory. It is my duty now. Master of disguise and just put on a happy face and pretend it is all good!
I am behind in so many things. You would think I have all the time in the world. In reality I move at a much slower pace physically and mentally. This is also a very lonely journey that is inexplicable. I looked up Taxol earlier today because I wanted to know about hair growth. I went on a website where it was just questions and answers, and people responded. Most said that they felt much better on it, and their hair started to grow back after a few treatments. The worst part of it is that it causes neuropathy. Always something. I guess, like everything else it is a wait and see game. I really need hair. The days are long and my head is so itchy and uncomfortable. Pretty much all my parts are uncomfortable, not unbearable. How long can a person be annoyed with their own body, I guess as long as it takes. Argh.
Heard from my friend's husband, surgery went well and she is recovering nicely. Good to know.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Great Counts
I passed my blood tests with flying colors this morning! All my counts are great, some even on the high end of the normal range. This makes me very happy. I guess the shots and body juice really did work! My hemoglobin is at 12.5 and 12.6 is the end of the normal range. Whoo hoo! I am sure that they will drop a bit before next Friday, but I should be in the safe zone for my last big gun. Other than getting blood work, the day was pretty uneventful. I was actually pretty cranky and tired. My head itches terribly. I have so many random lengths of hair that it is driving me crazy. I never lost all of it and had a smooth head. I have some rather long and really light ones that need to be shaved tomorrow. I just want a full red stubble.... I tried to lay down this afternoon but couldn't sleep, but my body was happy it wasn't moving. Did hit Osco, took the one pill and picked up something for the other issue. This is a real pain in the ass. ;)
Had dinner with friends and I am exhausted. Eyes are heavy. Tomorrow my friend who was diagnosed, will be having her surgery. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers also . It is still difficult for me to believe that someone else has to do what I am doing right now at the same time. I fear for all of my friends. Once again, please make sure you are up to date on your mammograms. Don't put them off, that will do you no good. Be proactive. I was and look where I ended up. If I wasn't it would all be a lot worse. We all need to stick together, nobody can do this stuff alone.
Had dinner with friends and I am exhausted. Eyes are heavy. Tomorrow my friend who was diagnosed, will be having her surgery. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers also . It is still difficult for me to believe that someone else has to do what I am doing right now at the same time. I fear for all of my friends. Once again, please make sure you are up to date on your mammograms. Don't put them off, that will do you no good. Be proactive. I was and look where I ended up. If I wasn't it would all be a lot worse. We all need to stick together, nobody can do this stuff alone.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Accomplished
Spent another day working on Marley's room. Made massive progress. We only have one small basket left to go through. If you are a parent you know that your kids hoard crap. Small crap. They put this small stuff in every little box or basket and it is all mixed up. There are hair bands with markers and old valentines. It is just a disaster. However, I remember saving all that important stuff when I was little. I went through it all today. I went through each basket or box. I went through every single piece of clothing she owns. Nothing went in that room without my permission. It looks great. We had to improvise getting her double mattress on the queen frame, but we made it happen until we get her a new mattress. At one point of the day, her and her friend wanted to play in there, but I was working, so they pretended I was the maid....pretend? Either way, this took way longer than I thought. Probably because I did it on chemo and had to take long breaks. It looks awesome and I feel that I accomplished something. Otherwise, I feel like a lazy butt. She is getting ready for bed now as I blog and she is super excited to sleep in her new room. Makes me happy.
As for me. I go tomorrow for blood work. I never made it to Osco for my girly issue, and now I have another uncomfortable issue that I would rather not explain in detail. Let's just say, another insult. Think old people or pregnant ladies....got it? I know this can happen, but seriously? C'mon. Give me a break. All the little annoyances start to take a toll. I may not be down and out on the couch this week, but being uncomfortable all day is trying. I will talk to the nurses tomorrow and find out what I can do about this latest issue. Argh. I have no dignity left.
One week from tomorrow is my last AC. There will be a countdown. I will probably celebrate when it is over too. I need my milestones met with little kudos to me.... Fingers crossed for good blood counts tomorrow! I guess finishing that is an accomplishment too. A few weeks left to go! I can make it!
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As for me. I go tomorrow for blood work. I never made it to Osco for my girly issue, and now I have another uncomfortable issue that I would rather not explain in detail. Let's just say, another insult. Think old people or pregnant ladies....got it? I know this can happen, but seriously? C'mon. Give me a break. All the little annoyances start to take a toll. I may not be down and out on the couch this week, but being uncomfortable all day is trying. I will talk to the nurses tomorrow and find out what I can do about this latest issue. Argh. I have no dignity left.
One week from tomorrow is my last AC. There will be a countdown. I will probably celebrate when it is over too. I need my milestones met with little kudos to me.... Fingers crossed for good blood counts tomorrow! I guess finishing that is an accomplishment too. A few weeks left to go! I can make it!
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Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Overdone
I am tired. Plain old tired. I knew there was a possibility that I was pushing it and it would catch up with me. It did. Dane and I spent 4 hours putting Ikea furniture today. As much as it was a long project, it was fun doing it with Dane. And thank goodness for him. He is the kid who could build any Lego kit at 5years old, it showed today as the old lady with chemo brain would get all messed up. We did well. Placing it and securing the headboard to the wall and move in is in order for tomorrow. Hopefully.
Had a nice lunch break with Stephanie and back to work. Around 3:00 while building, I could feel my body start to doze... like my hands weren't doing what I wanted. Eyes were getting heavy. I quit. I needed to lay down. Listen to you body Donnanne. I did. I didn't sleep, but I rested. I need to do that more. I am not on "summer break" like I mentally want to be, I am fighting poison that runs amuck through my blood. I have another prescription to get tomorrow,for the issue that wasn't shaken from a few weeks ago. Bad enough to be a woman with that nonsense, but at a time like this it is adding insult to injury. The meds best work or I may cry.
Second day in June I sat and watched a game in my down coat. Not sure what is going on, but if winter is here I can ditch the bandanas and break out my fun, warm hats....
Now that the wig of the day season is over, I am going to start posting the t-shirts I got from all my friends. Most of them are HUGE, the original plan was that I needed some fun, large shirts for recovery from the reconstruction. Since that didn't happen, all the shirts are monstrous on my flat me. I still want to post them. They are daily doses of optimism and fun. Someday I will have them to wear for reconstruction, then sewn as a quilt. Maybe I will have my bandanas used for the border...See how I am thinking ahead? To bed. I am going earlier and earlier. Need the rest, my sleep is still not as awesome as I would like. Good night, hope you don't have to put your heat on! Brr!
Had a nice lunch break with Stephanie and back to work. Around 3:00 while building, I could feel my body start to doze... like my hands weren't doing what I wanted. Eyes were getting heavy. I quit. I needed to lay down. Listen to you body Donnanne. I did. I didn't sleep, but I rested. I need to do that more. I am not on "summer break" like I mentally want to be, I am fighting poison that runs amuck through my blood. I have another prescription to get tomorrow,for the issue that wasn't shaken from a few weeks ago. Bad enough to be a woman with that nonsense, but at a time like this it is adding insult to injury. The meds best work or I may cry.
Second day in June I sat and watched a game in my down coat. Not sure what is going on, but if winter is here I can ditch the bandanas and break out my fun, warm hats....
Now that the wig of the day season is over, I am going to start posting the t-shirts I got from all my friends. Most of them are HUGE, the original plan was that I needed some fun, large shirts for recovery from the reconstruction. Since that didn't happen, all the shirts are monstrous on my flat me. I still want to post them. They are daily doses of optimism and fun. Someday I will have them to wear for reconstruction, then sewn as a quilt. Maybe I will have my bandanas used for the border...See how I am thinking ahead? To bed. I am going earlier and earlier. Need the rest, my sleep is still not as awesome as I would like. Good night, hope you don't have to put your heat on! Brr!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
School is Out...
Today started out pretty quiet for the first day of summer. Dane was at a friends, Marley was just quiet, and Brad had a meeting in the city. A nice calm ease into summer break. Usually I would be whooping it up, feeling great that the year ended and ready to get into summer mode. Not this year. Just another day. I had a few visitors today, that always brightens my day. My yard and dog are the new "dog park". Friends, like Kristin, Jason and Karen bring their dogs over to run circles around Bosco and tire out. Works for all of us. Bosco played with Dexter today. For lunch two of my teammates came by and brought Marley and I lunch. We chatted for a while and it was great seeing them. Work is such a social place, not just a job for me. I make friends and enjoy being around good people. I miss that. Soon enough I will be saying that I am scared to go back.... I betcha, you wait and see.
I think I feel the rise in the hemoglobin now. I have more energy than I have had so far on AC. I feel like the head spinning, coming and going Donnanne I am used to. Kind of good feeling, I feel normal. I worked on building more Ikea furniture today. Damn Swedes. Someday she will have a bed, Dane and I will be doing that tomorrow. I am behind on some things, my days are in all directions. I am crashing at night, hopefully it isn't all narcotically induced, even so.
I think a little more rest and maybe a break during the day is in order for me tomorrow. The last thing I want to do is feel too normal, overdo it and regret it in the end with some sort of punishment like: low counts, transfusion, weird side effect, fatigue, hair growth....oh wait I will take that one...
Tomorrow I have a calendar to look at for myself and my children. I know it sounds selfish, but I haven't done anything for myself in ages. Except treatment and that isn't good for the soul, just the innards. I can't go to a spa, get my nails done, have a wild girls night, can't do a lot. I need to find some low key, feel good things that I can do in order for me to feel I have a "summer" too. If not, I will deal I am not selfish. I will focus on the kids and make sure they are having a blast. That is fun for me to see too. Each day takes me in a new direction...I like road trips. :)
I think I feel the rise in the hemoglobin now. I have more energy than I have had so far on AC. I feel like the head spinning, coming and going Donnanne I am used to. Kind of good feeling, I feel normal. I worked on building more Ikea furniture today. Damn Swedes. Someday she will have a bed, Dane and I will be doing that tomorrow. I am behind on some things, my days are in all directions. I am crashing at night, hopefully it isn't all narcotically induced, even so.
I think a little more rest and maybe a break during the day is in order for me tomorrow. The last thing I want to do is feel too normal, overdo it and regret it in the end with some sort of punishment like: low counts, transfusion, weird side effect, fatigue, hair growth....oh wait I will take that one...
Tomorrow I have a calendar to look at for myself and my children. I know it sounds selfish, but I haven't done anything for myself in ages. Except treatment and that isn't good for the soul, just the innards. I can't go to a spa, get my nails done, have a wild girls night, can't do a lot. I need to find some low key, feel good things that I can do in order for me to feel I have a "summer" too. If not, I will deal I am not selfish. I will focus on the kids and make sure they are having a blast. That is fun for me to see too. Each day takes me in a new direction...I like road trips. :)
Monday, June 3, 2013
Physically Good-Emotionally Challenged
The glorious last day of school for my kids... the end of my quiet recovery. I was having a hard time with that quiet as you know, we shall see how the whole family being home all summer goes. Bet that Brad spends a little more time back at the office. Who knows. That is how I see this whole summer, one big Who Knows. Who knows how this last AC will be, and then the new unknown will be the 12 long weeks of Taxol. But I am not going to cross that bridge until I am closer. I am going to try to enjoy my physically good weeks. I am.
I worked around the house today, mainly on Marley's room because I had to take a week off when I wasn't feeling well and it didn't get finished. This project is important to me because I want it to be from mom. Not sure why, but I do.
I guess the hardest thing right now is the continued emotional struggle I am having with the side effects of chemo and the adaptation to my new body. That "new normal" people told me about, isn't happening. None of this normal, I don't want it to be normal, I want to be done with it, and move on. It's funny because each day I would put on the funny wig and smile and take a picture of myself before the bus came. Each of those pictures look like I am having a blast, the time of my life. In fact, I do enjoy it for about 30 seconds and then realize that I am this bald woman who can do this, make myself look different with costume wigs. Problem is, I can't just look like me. I want to be me! Stomp foot, pout. Summer is here and no swimsuits, no tank tops, no sundresses. I can't wear a real wig, too hot and too itchy. I am having an identity crisis.
People can say you look great...but what they mean is you look great for a chemo patient. If I looked great in my new look, we would have already accepted bald women in today's social society...go figure. I am being a whiny baby again, but hey, this is where I can. I love my kids because they are always saying they like my bandana, never do they ask me to cover up, they are awesome. I know Brad loves me, but I am sure he isn't attracted to his half woman wife. What makes a man attracted to a woman? Besides their sparkling personality? Let's see: Body, Hair, Face- Those are the physical attractors... 2/3 are gone. See my point? What am I supposed to do? I do my best everyday and try, try to look as best as I can. It is a lot of work being paranoid how you look. Draining. I will work through this by bitching and moaning, because I can... and then I won't think about it when trying to fall asleep. Which is what I am about to do.... but will get a little help from my friend Ativan....
I worked around the house today, mainly on Marley's room because I had to take a week off when I wasn't feeling well and it didn't get finished. This project is important to me because I want it to be from mom. Not sure why, but I do.
I guess the hardest thing right now is the continued emotional struggle I am having with the side effects of chemo and the adaptation to my new body. That "new normal" people told me about, isn't happening. None of this normal, I don't want it to be normal, I want to be done with it, and move on. It's funny because each day I would put on the funny wig and smile and take a picture of myself before the bus came. Each of those pictures look like I am having a blast, the time of my life. In fact, I do enjoy it for about 30 seconds and then realize that I am this bald woman who can do this, make myself look different with costume wigs. Problem is, I can't just look like me. I want to be me! Stomp foot, pout. Summer is here and no swimsuits, no tank tops, no sundresses. I can't wear a real wig, too hot and too itchy. I am having an identity crisis.
People can say you look great...but what they mean is you look great for a chemo patient. If I looked great in my new look, we would have already accepted bald women in today's social society...go figure. I am being a whiny baby again, but hey, this is where I can. I love my kids because they are always saying they like my bandana, never do they ask me to cover up, they are awesome. I know Brad loves me, but I am sure he isn't attracted to his half woman wife. What makes a man attracted to a woman? Besides their sparkling personality? Let's see: Body, Hair, Face- Those are the physical attractors... 2/3 are gone. See my point? What am I supposed to do? I do my best everyday and try, try to look as best as I can. It is a lot of work being paranoid how you look. Draining. I will work through this by bitching and moaning, because I can... and then I won't think about it when trying to fall asleep. Which is what I am about to do.... but will get a little help from my friend Ativan....
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Escape
I don't know what it is, but when I am up at the cabin, I have not had cancer, I am not in treatment and all is good in the world. I am getting closer and closer to chucking it all and moving up there and building our dream, a self sustaining farm- and calling it a day. I envy the people who have enough guts to sell their homes, quit their jobs and take the slower, more natural and organic lifestyle choice. Brad and I have tossed this idea around for a while and have our plan, I just get scared now that I won't be around to see it come to fruition. But I will be. Brad is confident I will be too.
Going up there this weekend is exactly what the doctor ordered for the whole family. We truly had a real Marvin weekend. I don't think there was anything I didn't do this weekend, that I would have done on a previous life weekend. Down to having my beer outside. Okay, it was a non-alcoholic German Weiss beer that my sweet husband did some research about, and stopped and picked up for me on the way. Now that is good guy. We pretty much hung out. We had stopped for our favorite pizza on the way. We did a puzzle, played Apples to Apples and Jenga. Kids and I made some fun crafts,we went for walks, kids played in stream, built forts and foraged for mushrooms. We thought for sure we missed all chances of getting any morels this year. It is usually peak time around Mom's Day. We're weeks late, but we thought we would look anyway. Right up our hill, by the kids fort, I spotted one. I have the best eye of the family for mushrooms. Then I looked uphill in the forest, under the pines and there they were! About 20 of the most beautiful morels we have ever seen! We filled the bag, dumped and grabbed another bag and foraged some more. In the end we collected about 7 pounds! Last year I sold them at 14 dollars a pound so we were thinking it was a decent haul. Dane and I went to town to try to sell them. Since the season was over, nobody was buying. I got a hold of one guy and he was buying at 7 $ and I would have had to come back into town later that night. For that price I was taking them home to make a lot of soup! Then we stopped and were talking to a lady about her store and were chit chatting about something else and the mushrooms came up. She said she would buy some for herself - and she had a scale because she shipped E-Bay items. So we sold the lady 3 lbs. for 10 bucks a pound and walked away with cash, and enough 'shrooms for plenty of soup! Dane and I had a fun time together trying to sell the mushrooms and exploring new areas of RC that we have never seen. We realized that in "season", foraging and selling mushrooms would be part of our self sustaining farm. Hmm.....
Overall our weekend was wonderful. I did take a half an Ativan each night, and I slept pretty good. I don't know if it was the fresh air, relaxed feeling or Ativan...whatever it was it was nice to sleep. I think I am going to be on the up and up for the next two weeks. I am hoping that I have no new side effects and can continue to keep the few I have under control. I have a few uncomfortable issues that I need to address with the doctor via email tomorrow, but I am physically feeling good. Tomorrow is the last day without kiddos, things will be different. My peaceful, boring time is gone forever. I will be going back to work in the fall, so that was it. Too bad I couldn't have enjoyed it, and that I was home for surgery and chemo...See how I quickly I forgot? That is what Wisconsin will do to you.... I like my little escape...
Going up there this weekend is exactly what the doctor ordered for the whole family. We truly had a real Marvin weekend. I don't think there was anything I didn't do this weekend, that I would have done on a previous life weekend. Down to having my beer outside. Okay, it was a non-alcoholic German Weiss beer that my sweet husband did some research about, and stopped and picked up for me on the way. Now that is good guy. We pretty much hung out. We had stopped for our favorite pizza on the way. We did a puzzle, played Apples to Apples and Jenga. Kids and I made some fun crafts,we went for walks, kids played in stream, built forts and foraged for mushrooms. We thought for sure we missed all chances of getting any morels this year. It is usually peak time around Mom's Day. We're weeks late, but we thought we would look anyway. Right up our hill, by the kids fort, I spotted one. I have the best eye of the family for mushrooms. Then I looked uphill in the forest, under the pines and there they were! About 20 of the most beautiful morels we have ever seen! We filled the bag, dumped and grabbed another bag and foraged some more. In the end we collected about 7 pounds! Last year I sold them at 14 dollars a pound so we were thinking it was a decent haul. Dane and I went to town to try to sell them. Since the season was over, nobody was buying. I got a hold of one guy and he was buying at 7 $ and I would have had to come back into town later that night. For that price I was taking them home to make a lot of soup! Then we stopped and were talking to a lady about her store and were chit chatting about something else and the mushrooms came up. She said she would buy some for herself - and she had a scale because she shipped E-Bay items. So we sold the lady 3 lbs. for 10 bucks a pound and walked away with cash, and enough 'shrooms for plenty of soup! Dane and I had a fun time together trying to sell the mushrooms and exploring new areas of RC that we have never seen. We realized that in "season", foraging and selling mushrooms would be part of our self sustaining farm. Hmm.....
Overall our weekend was wonderful. I did take a half an Ativan each night, and I slept pretty good. I don't know if it was the fresh air, relaxed feeling or Ativan...whatever it was it was nice to sleep. I think I am going to be on the up and up for the next two weeks. I am hoping that I have no new side effects and can continue to keep the few I have under control. I have a few uncomfortable issues that I need to address with the doctor via email tomorrow, but I am physically feeling good. Tomorrow is the last day without kiddos, things will be different. My peaceful, boring time is gone forever. I will be going back to work in the fall, so that was it. Too bad I couldn't have enjoyed it, and that I was home for surgery and chemo...See how I quickly I forgot? That is what Wisconsin will do to you.... I like my little escape...
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