Physically Good-Emotionally Challenged

The glorious last day of school for my kids... the end of my quiet recovery.   I was having a hard time with that quiet as you know, we shall see how the whole family being home all summer goes.  Bet that Brad spends a little more time back at the office.  Who knows. That is how I see this whole summer, one big Who Knows.  Who knows how this last AC will be, and then the new unknown will be the 12 long weeks of Taxol.  But I am not going to cross that bridge until I am closer.  I am going to try to enjoy my physically good weeks.  I am. 

I worked around the house today, mainly on Marley's room because I had to take a week off when I wasn't feeling well and it didn't get finished.  This project is important to me because I want it to be from mom.  Not sure why, but I do.

I guess the hardest thing right now is the continued emotional struggle I am having with the side effects of chemo and the adaptation to my new body.  That "new normal" people told me about, isn't happening.  None of this normal, I don't want it to be normal, I want to be done with it, and move on.  It's funny because each day I would put on the funny wig and smile and take a picture of myself before the bus came.  Each of those pictures look like I am having a blast, the time of my life. In fact, I do enjoy it for about 30 seconds and then realize that I am this bald woman who can do this, make myself look different with costume wigs.  Problem is, I can't just look like me.  I want to be me! Stomp foot, pout.  Summer is here and no swimsuits, no tank tops, no sundresses.  I can't wear a real wig, too hot and too itchy.  I am having an identity crisis.

 People can say you look great...but what they mean is you look great for a chemo patient.  If I looked great in my new look, we would have already accepted bald women in today's social society...go figure.  I am being a whiny baby again, but hey, this is where I can. I love my kids because they are always saying they like my bandana, never do they ask me to cover up, they are awesome. I know Brad loves me, but I am sure he isn't attracted to his half woman wife. What makes a man attracted to a woman?  Besides their sparkling personality? Let's see:  Body, Hair, Face- Those are the physical attractors... 2/3 are gone.  See my point? What am I supposed to do? I do my best everyday and try, try to look as best as I can.  It is a lot of work being paranoid how you look. Draining.  I will work through this by bitching and moaning, because I can... and then I won't think about it when trying to fall asleep.  Which is what I am about to do.... but will get a little help from my friend Ativan....