Fri-Sat

Brad informed me that I was not a responsible blogger because I didn't blog last night after a doctor's appointment.  I guess that is true. I didn't blog for any reason except that I forgot. Oops.  Our friends Kerrie and Howard came over with chili and it slipped my mind until I was in bed.  Sorry to freak a few people out. Thanks for caring. :)

Overall all is good.  My blood work was all fine and she started me on the Tamoxifen.  She asked me how I felt and I said that I still felt all achy, tired and worn out.  She said sometimes it takes longer for people to get back to how they felt previously. When I was on the Taxol, I didn't have as many aches and pains because the weekly steroid masked those. Even though I have been off for over a month, all the good old pains can come back...at different times.  But now I need to be aware of the aches I have to watch out for anything new the Tamoxifen may cause.  The biggest issues with this drug on a regular basis would be hot flashes.  Not looking forward to those, but they are not life threatening.  The other two biggies are uterine cancer and clotting. Both are less than 2 %, but they have to tell you because it could happen.  I will work on getting a hysterectomy in the next couple of years so I don't need to worry about that too.  I took my first pill today.

I had radiation and that went as usual.  I also had Herceptin.  All my favorite nurses were there, and there was only one other patient.  I chatted and worked on a puzzle.  Unfortunately I feel too comfortable there, and that kind of sucks because it is a treatment center. I would have rather made new friends at a class, in the neighborhood or just about any other way.  There was a lady there, a bit older than me, like 50 was my guess, with her husband...getting the first treatment spiel.  I don't know what she was getting, but I could just hear the precautions of germs and all that stuff.  It really hit me in a weird way. She is there getting her first treatment...the beginning of a long haul (assuming) and I just wanted to go talk to her. She seemed to be in good spirits, but I remember how freaked out I was, how it made me cry thinking of the poison I was getting.  I don't even know what I would have said to her, but I felt like saying something. I didn't of course. This was not my business nor my place to give any form of advice or assurance.  Maybe I could have given her "how to survive the chemo experience".

Off the top of my head here is what I would have said.

1.  Get to know the nurses. They are a huge part of your treatment.
2.  Bring a friend or husband. Don't do it alone...time flies when you are with people.
3.  Listen to your body. If you are hungry for a burger, go get one.
4.  Use the anti-nausea meds, they work-lessened my upchucking
5.  Eat the Lorne Doones, nobody buys those and you only get them there or on airplanes.

I am sure there are other things, but like I said, it wasn't my business... It did seem like it was forever ago I was in that chair for the first time. I really wish I never had to be.  I am still not a convert on the, "I am glad this happened to me" front.  I am not.  I am sorry if that sounds bad. 

My next steps are to continue the new drug, for 5-10 years.  Yikes.  Herceptin every 3 weeks.  Doctor every 6 weeks.  Radiation for another 20 weekdays.  New sleep med maybe this week.  Alternative medicine/therapy intertwined. 5 days a week 30 minutes min. exercise.  I need to do that for many reasons including keeping clots at bay.

It is the middle of the day on Saturday, and I slept like crap last night so I am tired.  I did a bit of yard work and my cousin Carl was  here overnight last night and hung out with us this morning. I need to shower and go shopping. I need pants.  I cannot squeeze this booty into my jeans and I want at least one pair of comfortable pair.  I have declared that when I get my new body, I am going to start my wardrobe over. I am thinking of getting rid of it all and starting from scratch.  Could be fun.  Could be expensive too....I am worth it.....

Number 12

I'm blogging from phone without readers and I have no idea how this will turn out.  Had bloodwork and radiation today. Tomorrow I see the oncologist and get radiation and herceptin. I'm nervous to see the doctor because I don't want to ever hear bad news again. I'm scared and that's going to be forever. That sucks biut how do you not be?

I have too many aches and pings and pangs and eAch one scares me. The last two nights I've had a bit of tingling in my hand. Didn't mention it today cuz I thought it was a one time thing but happened tonight too. Not major but another feeling. I've had a sore neck for months now and I worry about that. Doesn't help tweaking my head daily on the table. Argh!  I hate the worry! I know, why worry about things you can't control? Because it's human nature. Nobody understands this. The only people who do are folks who have had their mortality put at riisk. The whiole " nobody knows" spiel is getting old. Yes, anyone of us could get hit by a bus or have a meteor land on us, however unlikely that is. But once you are a member of the sucky club, you have other more pertinent and real worries.

Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well and I don't have any other stuff going ion Oh, I think I will be starting Tamoxofin tomorrow too.  

I should watch out for those buses...

1/3 Done

Met with the radiologist today and showed her my freaky rib cage. She felt the area and said she didn't feel a "mass", holy crap. I said, "well that's good, geez". Wasn't thinking there was anything there.. She said it may be some fluid built up but nothing that she could pinpoint so well just keep an eye on it. Freaky me.

Went to meet a therapist to unload some of this "journey". I like her. I'll go back and see if I can clean more junk out. 

I'm truly doing everything I can. I always feel weird in one way or another.   

Sleep has improved since I've been trying new things... That's good. 

CranioWhat?

Today I went to see a naprapath after radiation.  I didn't really know what to expect.  I have only had one positive experience many years ago, and I guess I am looking for magic.  I am not sure what I found really, another interesting experience. I am having a lot of those lately.  She was located in a chiropractor's office, a Russian chiro as it turned out to be, so I was a little intrigued.  I was asked to fill out a pretty extensive form, which I didn't think was necessary, as all of this has to come out of pocket because I don't have any insurance for things like this.  That is the bad part.  I met the lady, and I think I mentioned earlier, she wasn't very articulate.  She also didn't look very professional, rather comfortable, but that's okay I guess.  The whole office was rather unimpressive.  Still, I had hopes. I am wiling to try just about anything at this point.  She took me to her room. It was a mess and not pleasant, but then again I wasn't there for a massage or spa treatment...had to keep an open mind.  I ran through my story as quick as possible and we decided that the sleep issue was the first thing to be worked on.  She did some weird stuff to me, all very light and not invasive.  She did some craniosacral therapy...yeah-had no idea either...still kind of don't.  The appointment was about an hour, she said she aligned my C1, what ever that is and whatever she did should make me tired and possibly help me sleep.  She said she thinks 6 sessions is what she would like to have in order to make a difference....I will see. I want to see how I feel after I try a bunch of things...before I commit to driving a half hour away and doing this kind of treatment.  I am always open and skeptical...that is how I am.  I am tired, and I got tired right after she did what she did, so maybe she is on to something...

Didn't get home until almost 7, that is too long of a day for me.  Going to work on my nightly ritual and hope that my craniosacral therapy helps.  I have been falling asleep much better in the past week, allowing the Ativan to work better.  I have felt a difference in my mind being shut down a lot more than usual, which is a great thing.  I have to try and sort which things work and which work better...so far we have yoga, massage and naprapathy.  Tomorrow is counseling...if I can dump a bunch of crap out of my head...I may be a new woman by the weekend-wishful thinking....I can dream...and dream big....Maybe I can start wearing flower necklaces and shave my head like a monk...oh, that is a BAD idea....been there and done that! No thanks! :)

Pressing Forward

I am still coming off of how proud I am of myself for this past weekend. I know it wasn't a marathon or that big of a deal, but for me it really is.  I have done so many things over these months that have pushed me to limits, and all of them have been out of my control.  This was a mental challenge more than a physical challenge-setting me back on the fighting side of things...fighting to get my mind and body under my control...I am taking it back.  I may not be able to control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it.

Speaking of my body, I have noticed that my left rib cage looks larger or swollen. I asked today at radiology and they only could say that it may look larger than the other side. It doesn't hurt at all and I have no trouble breathing.  They said to talk to the doctor on Wednesday. I have also noticed that where my ribs stick out above it, the scar line, the radiation area looks deepened. I am wondering if the skin is tightening and then making my ribs look distended.  Joy. Another deformity.  Since it doesn't hurt, I am not too concerned, except it looks pitiful.

After radiation, I grabbed Marley from Girl Scouts and dropped her off at gymnastics.  Then I went to yoga at the Living Well Center with my friend Ursula.  Ursula is volunteering time teaching yoga as part of her certification process.  She wants to work with me on restorative yoga at home as well as meditation to get me healthy in the head.  I am up for it all.

Dinner and kids in bed.  When I came home Brad was playing Monopoly with the kids, they are on a kick with that game!  Gotta love it.

Tomorrow after radiation, I am going to meet the naprapath.  I will get an initial consultation and treatment of some sort. Not sure what I am in for, but it is worth a whirl.

I am tired.  Could be coming off the weekend still, a busy evening, the yoga, the time change or a combo of all of the above.  It is good to be tired, the meds work better.   Going to hit the hot nightly shower and curl into bed and hope that the sandman cometh.

Proud

Another jump start to getting my life back...a crazy busy Saturday...the kind you have once in a blue moon, that wipes you out totally the next day, regardless of your current sleep or treatment condition.  This day has been the same for the past three years, and begins with The Race of the Dead in Chicago....

The Race of the Dead is in honor of Los Dias de Los Muertos...or Day of the Dead, the Mexican holiday that honors passed loved ones.  This was my very first 5k two years ago.  It was a lot of fun and great atmosphere, so we did it again last year.  Of course we wanted to do it again this year, but things for me had changed. I still wanted to do it because of the atmosphere, neighborhood and the cool shirt-but planned to walk.  I told my pals that I was going to walk and they could all go run their little hearts out, but I haven't done much in the past 7 months, and haven't run since this last race.

Debby, Heidi and Kristin picked me up at 6:00 a.m. Saturday morning, which is a horrible thing on a weekend.  We got to the city and it was a lively morning!  Music blaring, colors of the celebration everywhere, pozole cooking in large pots.  Kind of made me want to move. Invigorating temperatures and a buzz in the air.  But no way was I going to run.  Debby and Kristin left to run, and Heidi and I were ready to walk.  Time came and we crossed the start line and I told Heidi I wanted to try to "run" for a couple of minutes.  I was thinking like 5 minutes before I was huffing and puffing and regretting it out of shear embarrassment for myself.  So I jogged...and kept going.  We were talking the whole time and wondering where the mile marker was because I now had to reach the one mile mark. I was now determined to make it that far. Then there it was.  I was doing okay, so I told Heidi I would try to get to the 2nd mile marker...little bit of discomfort here and there, but was feeling okay...kind of  happily surprising myself.  Then there it was...Now what? Give up? Not really in my blood, so I decided I would try to finish the race and if I started feeling like I was putting myself in any danger, I would stop.  It was getting longer, and we kept picking street signs for me to reach as goals. Heidi was my personal coach and motivator the whole time. She was encouraging me to keep going and fibbing that she saw the finish line. :)  Each time we made a goal she was right there helping me pick a new one.  It was awesome having her by my side!  When we finally turned the corner and saw the finish line I couldn't believe I had done it...I did not stop running the entire race and completed it!  Yeah me!  Dane asked me what place I came in... I said First Place for my category: Out of shape, insomniac radiation patient who recently finished chemo...he said, no...The Best Mom in the World category....

After the race festivities, we headed out for breakfast and a stop at favorite store before the drive to Madison.  Yep, the day had just begun...like years before with parties and overnights...this race day always seems to be a full one.  We got to Madison around 4 and checked in to the hotel and rested for a bit.  We were all tired for sure.  We needed to get that second or third wind...to continue our night.  We did a little shopping on State Street and then went out to a fabulous tapas meal...mmmm.  I had some sangria and it was wonderful.  It was great being out and feeling pretty damn good and normal.  I liked how I felt.  Gave me hope.  Then after dinner we literally walked next door to the Orpheum Theater to see...Chris Cornell's acoustic show! Whoo-hoo!!  We walked in at 7:30 and got great seats, yes seats, the whole thing was seating only.  The main floor were all folding chairs, those folks stood in line 3 hours prior to opening...no thanks.  The show was amazing. He sounded fantastic and looked even better...mmm.  He played a long show and was a perfect ending to a great day.

We were all pretty much toast by the time the show ended.  The hotel wasn't even a block away, we had stayed within two buildings for everything...Even though my body ached and I was done, I had a hard time falling asleep...had that stupid What does the Fox say song stuck in my head!  Why, not sure...

Today we got up and did a little shopping in Madison and then headed home. The rest of this day was grocery shopping and what not. I am busted tired, but still going... I have a renewed sense of self coming on...between last week and this weekend, I am starting to see myself on the road to Donnanne.  I know this road won't be easy, none of this has, but I am not giving up on me.  I have a lot going on in the next couple of weeks to continue the upswing towards physical and mental health.  Go me! 

 

Saturday or Bust!

TGIF-I guess, although most days seem about the same to me...the TGIF in this case is that I get two days off of zapping-that's needed. I can feel a bit of tightness, either I need to stretch more or the skin is tightening. Who knows, this body is a wreck! I am trying so hard to fix it too....I will get there, that is the plan and goal.  My "let's get this Donnanne back in order plan" is fully underway.  Next week I have the naprapath and a therapist to dump some of the garbage that is getting in my way.  I think yoga is in there, along with Herceptin and Dane's parent teacher conference...oh wait, those last two are not that fun.

Tonight we went out for pizza and came home and chilled. I am getting up early tomorrow to do the Race of the Dead, a Dia de los Muertos-Day of the Dead race in Pilsen.  I have done this race twice before, ran both (if you call what I did running).  It was actually my first race.  I didn't do that bad really.  I am however, not running tomorrow. I just can't. I wish I could push myself to do it, but it is not worth it and I am not ready at all. The walk that early and in the cold will be enough for me I am sure.  I am a 43 year old woman stuck in a mangled creaky body...she needs to get out but slowly.  After the race we are headed to Madison for an overnight and concert.  Should be fun, hope I can keep up.  Scares me that I can't.  Scares me that I can't be fun anymore. I hope I am still fun and can have fun.  If that is taken away too, I will be sad, very, very sad.  I guess I will find out soon enough.

Just about to head up and finish packing my overnight bag. We are going straight from Chicago to Madison, so we have to take what we need at 6:00 a.m. and  hope it is all there. I plan on getting up around 5:56, since I have the easiest hair ever...maybe I will just sleep in my clothes....even easier.

Such a slacker I am