Reasons to be Thankful

This was an eventful weekend with family in St.Louis! It will be remembered for sure! Here are the top ten things I was Thankful for:

1. Opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with relatives
2. Not being mugged and/or killed while running out of gas in East St.Louis-most dangerous city in the U.S.  When I Called the police instead of walking for gas/leaving me and kids in disabled car....not kidding. Always call the police. Don't listen to husbands with a death wish-and fill your tank!
3. #2 again
4. Warmer weather!
5. The City Museum without injury
6. BBQ
7. Cousins wedding with more family fun!
8. #2 again
9. Discovering new places, markets, restaurants, and tap rooms
10. Safe drive home.

Hoping everyone had a healthy and happy holiday. Onto Christmas! This weekend really did me in. I'm exhausted and have a sore neck, old age getting to me! I have no problem getting old, none. Always will be better than the alternative. Always.

Early THANKS

Well, the holiday season has begun! We had Pizzagiving with Brad's side this weekend as well as full blown, delicious Friendsgiving down the street! Today I had 12 hours at work for parent teacher conferences-long day! I do enjoy talking to the parents though.  

Last Friday I had an appointment with my oncologist for some follow up bloodwork. See, last month I had an over the normal range score on this cancer antigen blood test. They use these to see if certain whatevers are present and therefore often indicate cancer. So they said come back in four weeks and retake the test. Now normally I would have cried a few tears, been pathetic to Brad about all of it, but I didn't and I wasn't. I told pretty much nobody. I think two people knew. I didn't want to make it scarier for me. We even spent an entire weekend in Wisconsin and I never mentioned, not once. I'm making progress. Did I think about it-of course I did.  Was I scared-absolutely.

So Friday comes. I alreadyhad blood drawn on Wednesday. Nurse takes my resting heart rate of 128. Yep. A bit nervous. Then Doc comes in and asks me if I've been worried the whole time and I said of course! Then she tells me the number dropped way down and all my labs are perfect, no flags high or low! Whoo-hoo!!!  She gave me my holidays! I am not going into this season convinced it's my last one. I'm going in thinking positively. I see her again in March! Then if all has gone well, I'll have reached my two year mark which is milestone 1. Taking and living my life in chunks. It's not the easiest but it's my coping strategy. Thank you to all of my support group, each of you that keep me in your thoughts are a powerful tool in my healing. 

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers that I continue on the road to recovery and health. Happy Thanksgiving! Be thankful for everything, I am!

Hugs and love!!

A Sunday Post

Physical therapy seems to be helping me reach more mobility. The PT I have us a very smart and wonderfully nice gal, with very strong hands. She worked my soft tissue on Tuesday and by Wednesday morning I was bruised. She worked my shoulder blade on Thursday instead. Phew. November is turning out to be a very busy month, something just about everyday. Seems like the holiday season is early this year. Having snow accumulation doesn't help. 

I'm keeping positive thoughts and hoping for continuous health. Holidays make me sentimental and I don't want to be a basket case. Staying warm and positive-my goals. 

Checking In

It's been awhile but the less I post the better. I will not be tagged teamed by doctors as my plastic surgeon suggested.  My other surgeon said having surgery on my shoulder is a bad idea. Instead I am back in physical therapy. I went for the evaluation last week and start this this week on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I have an early March date for the fat graft which will help with healing of scar tissue. Otherwise most things are good. I'm not going to blog about things I worry about today, because I'm working on pushing all those dark thoughts out of my head.  

Overall I've been very happy and having a great fall. Work is good, been up to cabin a couple times, Halloween was a blast, walked the Day of the Dead race, stayed in the city with girlfriends, hanging with the kids and there are a whole bunch of other fun things on the horizon. I'm going to keep positive thoughts to keep all bumps out of my road for smooth sailing. Be positive. I am.

Busy Week

Last Thursday I went to see the plastic surgeon and he told me that he could do the fat fill to make my dents and divets a little smoother and to give something between my skin and bone. He also suggested I see an orthopedic surgeon to look at my shoulder, and talk to my other doctors to remove my port. He suggested a tag team. Three doctors in there, wow. We'll see if that happens.

Tomorrow I see my surgeon, I called this appointment because I need a new general practioner and a referral for an orthopedic doctor. I also just want to hear her say all looks good, let's fix your shoulder. Then on Friday I have my three month appointment with the oncologist. Scared to death really. I have that ulcer feeling again-but not too worried about it. But I have this back pain that won't go away. I fear it's like my kidneys or something bad. Most likely it's muscular but how do you tell someone like me not to worry? It's impossible. I'm hoping my bloodwork looks good and she examines me and has no cause for alarm. Then I'll focus on my back. 

Be Positive

I have to remind myself of this daily. I have to use it as a mantra or else I get in some funky and not so good daydreams...rather nightmares. I feel like there is always some pain or an issue and I default to cancer. When in reality it most likely isn't. I'm not sure when to go to a doctor or when to freak out. Mainly most everything goes away. All the old lady aches and pains are made so much scarier. How do you do this.?  How do I turn off the default? I sometimes don't think of cancer at all, like when I'm busy. But driving, cleaning or other quiet times I go to bad places. I need help. I think I'm going to look into something because I want those quiet times to be filled with happier thoughts. People don't understand the mental battle is never over. I have so much to live for, that the thought of not living scares the crap out if me. Maybe I'm just mental. I know, get over it. This shit screws you up forever! I want my old life back. :(

Checking In

It's back to work and the daily grind of juggling life, work, family and all the other stuff. Overall I'm feeling pretty good. I have aches and pains, but most likely because I'm getting old. My left side is still very tight and sore, I think I'll make an appointment to see the plastic surgeon. He can take a look, reassure me of the scar tissue areas and maybe we can schedule the fat fill. I'm going on a real diet tomorrow, so we should get this fat while it's abundant. How's that for positivity.

I have some tough days. I'm scared that something bad is lurking around the corner. I wish I could just "get over it", but having HAD cancer isn't that easy to just get over. This is a very lonely phase, the moving on part with the fear. Nobody wants to listen to what I fear, so I keep it to myself. Nobody wants to hear the tough stuff, so it's just easier to say all is fine. I don't think it can be understood unless the same shoes have been walked in. I get up each day as happy as a clam to be here. Happy to spend time with my kids and enjoy another day. It's not unrealistic to fear losing that. If it is, then maybe I'm just mental. Cuckoo. 

I'm blessed with each day, but it doesn't mean I don't want about 14,000 more!!!