300

I haven't blogged from the computer in ages.  I have been blogging from my phone because I started to forget at night, and Brad took his laptop.  I am a creature of habit, so when things change I forget.  I am blogging early this morning because I checked how many posts I have had, and today is number 300!  That is a lot of me ranting about my marathon from Hell.  I put my first 150 pages into a hardcover book to have forever, I guess it is time to do the same for these last blogs. I don't blog for anyone but myself.  I know it keeps may people informed about what is going on in general, but if I told you all I felt it would be one demented story. There is always a lot going on, and honestly, it isn't easy being me this past year.  I have to say that the 27, 227 blog views is amazing.  I don't know who you all are, only some.  But I have to thank you for caring enough to check in on me.  Like Brad tells me all the time...this isn't for everyone. This is a marathon, a long haul, not a quick race.  So thank you to all my secret friends out there.  Thank you for all the prayers and thoughts that have helped me deal with all that has been thrown my way for the past 10 months. Remember, pray often and hard....

Well, that was this morning and now I find myself blogging at night, before bed.  Today was fine, productive if nothing else.  I did go see my primary physician and she didn't seem over worried about anything.  She looked at all my recent results of blood work and confirmed that all looked good. My liver and other organ functions are all perfect.  She felt around my belly and didn't feel anything suspicious. She felt in my lower abdomen and I said it felt slightly tender. She didn't suggest a CT scan, she suggested an ultrasound to see if there is anything going on in my uterus or ovaries.  Doesn't mean it's bad, but could cause me discomfort.  Hopefully they will get this done for me this week while I am off of school.  I want to figure this out soon. If that is inconclusive, and I still feel this ache, I will opt for the CT scan.  I like my doctor.  I like all my doctors, I just don't like going to them.  These are good people I wish I didn't have to know.  I am going to stay positive and wait and go get the ultrasound.  I will take it from there.  I don't want anything to interfere with my February surgery. I am going to start this new year off right. Physically and Mentally. This is MY year.

Brad and I went out tonight for dinner and drinks with friends. I needed to get out so bad.  We had a great time just hanging out having a couple of beers in a cozy atmosphere and being adults.  I am excited to get my life back. I am excited to be me again.  I have promised myself that as soon as I get this belly issue in check, I am going to regain myself. I am going to get in shape, not a shape. I am going to prepare myself for my new body and mind.  This is going to be the year of me. I know what I want from myself on many levels.  I need to reclaim Donnanne...and look out world...here I come!

Sunday

Today was dreary, I don't like dreary. Last night I had Marley sleeping with me because Brad was going to be out late. I figured he would just come home and go to her bed...nope, he moved her. I didn't know it until about a half hour later when I thought a freight train was coming through my bedroom!!! The snoring! Omg! I packed my pillow and headed in with Marley...late night switcheroo. Today was grocery shopping day, because we were out of a bunch of staples and tomorrow is going to be ridiculously cold. No going anywhere unless needed...like the doctor.

Trying to stay sane. Trying not to worry about all the what ifs...  Nothing I can do but get it checked out. 

Trying to plan a fun event this week. Kids want a cake contest. Well Marley does, and then that becomes a challenge for Dane. And me.  We may have several kids here decorating cakes and whatnot. Should be interesting. Fun stuff. I want to focus on fun stuff.

Going to enjoy sitting by the fire and relaxing. 

Saturday 12/28/13

I feel crappy. Not sure if it's my belly issues, fighting a flu, side effects of tamoxifen  or just exhaustion getting through last week or so. I almost feel like I could be sick, like throw up. If that happens I'll be taking myself in the morning to the hospital. I beg that doesn't happen. I'm already a mental wreck about how I feel. So scared. It's really a lonely place to be. It sucks. I spent the day hanging out and doing very little. Brad, Mars and I went to breakfast which was a lot of fun. We did the counter at a diner and Marley was just a stitch. She brings me so much happiness. I picked up Dane later and then he left again. I miss my little boy...he has his own life now...although he texted that he loved me late last night at his sleepover. He will always be my little boy.

I guess I'm getting sentimental and weird because I'm nervous. Have to wait until Monday to get this ball rolling-unless I go to hospital...that may be a good idea if I feel shittier tomorrow. Shave a day off this mess. Hopefully there will be a few doctors working next week. 

I feel bad for my family. I feel like I have ruined so much of our lives. We were happy and had visions of our future and I messed it all up! I've apologized to Brad -he picked a bad egg....I've ruined so much. I don't want to make our lives any harder. I want to get healthy and sweep this into a past memory. I just feel bad for them. They all deserve me better. I can do it, I plan to, just let me feel better or give me a reason for this crap... Hernia? Muscle? Side effects? Busted ovary? Who knows..... But it's wearing me thin... Having a high tolerance for pain and discomfort kinda sucks sometimes.

Wow... How depressing am I? I'm lying here in a warm bed, next to Marley safe and sound. I should be happy and present in my moment and cross bridges when they come...seems like I live in Venice though...lots and lots of bridges....

Had to show this picture.. This is Marley opening her last gift...an iPad mini. Love the expression. Priceless!

Still

Well it looks like I'll end up getting scanned next week, even though I'm deathly afraid. I know it may have to be done to rule anything out, but last time I heard-" it will ease your mind" turned out not so good. I have something going on, it needs to be addressed. Maybe it's side effects of the tamoxifen, who knows. I need to know. My appointment is later in the day so I will call oncologist office and have them schedule the scan- because most likely it will end up going that way. I'm afraid. Bottom line. Rationally it is most unlikely anything bad. I've had serious zapping, poisoning and blocking for the past six months. No matter what, the issue needs addressing. Fear. I live in fear. Fun times. 

Going to try not to dwell on it this weekend and enjoy the weather before it turns frigid. 

Lazy Day

First thing I did today was call to see if I could get into the doctor sooner. But no. Everyone is on vacation. Did you know that you should not need medical care over the holidays.... Argh. I emailed my oncologist to ask for advice, they called me back and said pretty much wait until Monday. Unless of course things get worse, then go to urgent care or ER. It's not worse, but it's still here. It may be slightly better than yesterday... However I was a bum today. Marley and I ran to a few stores to find iPad mini cases, she got one but I didn't. Then we bummed. I think I took a nap, I know right??? Dane hung out with a friend and went to a movie... Got to go get him soon.  The more I think about my pain the more I think it's muscular. Keep your fingers crossed it heals soon. No tests. I don't want that.   I have to call tomorrow to get my every three month mugga heart scan scheduled, fun times. Never stops.

I need to update pics, but I've been blogging from phone and iPad which don't allow as much formatting. My hair is growing like a chia pet and is getting long. It's kind of fun watching it grow. Not that I ever want to experience that again. Once is more than enough. 

I'd like to start the new year off healthy and happy. I'd like to work on rebuilding myself and moving forward in a positive physical and mental way. 2014 will be a much better year! It has to be!!!!

Merry Christmas 2013

I cannot believe that Christmas is just about over...can't we make it a bit longer?? All the hype and work... And poof... Over before you can say Frosty the Snowman.  We had a very nice Christmas, and the kids are very happy. I'm just happy to be here and share the holidays with my babies. My Christmas wish is that I will have many more. 

I mentally feel okay-kind of, and I'm even getting some sleep...I however continue to have strange belly pains. Today was wierder than other days. Freaking me out. Five days until the doctor unless I can't deal with it and go to urgent care. It's not excruciating, it's odd and uncomfortable. Make it go away!!!!

I need a break. Brad needs a break. The stress level in our world is running high. There's a lot going on that causes to much anxiety. Haven't we suffered enough this year? Isn't it time to give us a break? I'm not sure whom I'm directing that towards, all that are recepective I guess.  

Going to bed. Hoping the beast in my belly is gone by morning. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!!

Merry Eve of Christmas!

We are on the way home from our Christmas Evening with Brad's family. We got a late start because Brad had to work, and the kids were anxious.  It was a nice evening of food, conversation and kids.  It was starting to get late and the girls wanted to go home so they wouldn't miss Santa. I love it!!!!  Too cute!!

Today I went to my massuese and she worked me over. She believes my pain is one of my muscles. She found it and pushed it and I actually slapped her hand it hurt so bad. That's a good sign that's all it is. I'll still visit my doctor in a few days.  She also worked on my neck and other sore areas. I really like going to her. She knows her anatomy and is also a really grounded person. I'm glad I put her on my healing team! I needed to go today. 

Enough of that stuff, I hope everyone is having a great holiday! I hope you have tucked in your babies and are snuggling up for a few hours sleep before they wake you up with anticipation of wonders under the tree!!! I love how Christmas is so precious to kids. Love it!!!!

Merry Christmas!!!