Saturday 12/28/13

I feel crappy. Not sure if it's my belly issues, fighting a flu, side effects of tamoxifen  or just exhaustion getting through last week or so. I almost feel like I could be sick, like throw up. If that happens I'll be taking myself in the morning to the hospital. I beg that doesn't happen. I'm already a mental wreck about how I feel. So scared. It's really a lonely place to be. It sucks. I spent the day hanging out and doing very little. Brad, Mars and I went to breakfast which was a lot of fun. We did the counter at a diner and Marley was just a stitch. She brings me so much happiness. I picked up Dane later and then he left again. I miss my little boy...he has his own life now...although he texted that he loved me late last night at his sleepover. He will always be my little boy.

I guess I'm getting sentimental and weird because I'm nervous. Have to wait until Monday to get this ball rolling-unless I go to hospital...that may be a good idea if I feel shittier tomorrow. Shave a day off this mess. Hopefully there will be a few doctors working next week. 

I feel bad for my family. I feel like I have ruined so much of our lives. We were happy and had visions of our future and I messed it all up! I've apologized to Brad -he picked a bad egg....I've ruined so much. I don't want to make our lives any harder. I want to get healthy and sweep this into a past memory. I just feel bad for them. They all deserve me better. I can do it, I plan to, just let me feel better or give me a reason for this crap... Hernia? Muscle? Side effects? Busted ovary? Who knows..... But it's wearing me thin... Having a high tolerance for pain and discomfort kinda sucks sometimes.

Wow... How depressing am I? I'm lying here in a warm bed, next to Marley safe and sound. I should be happy and present in my moment and cross bridges when they come...seems like I live in Venice though...lots and lots of bridges....

Had to show this picture.. This is Marley opening her last gift...an iPad mini. Love the expression. Priceless!