A Look Ahead...

Well, when the going gets tough...the tough gets run through the mill...again.  I heard from my primary doctor today that my ultrasound was perfectly normal, nothing high or low...beautiful.  That is good news, however doesn't explain a damn thing for the sensations I am having.  We talked about getting the CT scan to "ease my mind".  As much as I completely freaked out about having it done, I am going to do it...on Thursday.  No time like the present.  It will go one of two ways: All good, and I will feel great and move on! And I will know that the yuckies I am dealing with are drug related.  I can process and adjust.  Or, they find something else and I have to deal with another mess.  I vote for the first one of course.  I am a tad stressed out...go figure.  Nobody promised me that this was going to be easy.  Nobody.

I have a fun week ahead of me.  I have the CT on Thursday afternoon.  Which means I get to chug the barium liquid at school. Fun times. Then on Friday I get Herceptin and see the oncologist. She probably won't have the CT results because they take two business days they said.  Then on Monday I have the Mugga heart scan, yes, it has been another three months. That means two IV's, my favorite!!!  I am also trying to see my surgeon, because I have another issue to ask her about, but can't get in until Jan 29th.  I am stressed.  I am over the top stressed out right now.  I am trying to hold it together, but it isn't easy.  I thought once I was done with the "hard stuff", things would be better. I thought I would bounce back and start being able to live my life again, without sickness, pain, burns, and major side effects....but no. I am not lucky enough right now to not be fearful of this next week and what is going on in my body.

I know that worrying is bad. I know that stress kills. Brad tells me that worrying will kill me.  That doesn't help because then I am killing myself right now, I can't help but worry. Most normal human beings would if they were in my situation. They would.  I know it...if not, I am a pansy assed worry wart, and there is nothing I can do to change that.

Five weeks from today I will hopefully be having phase 1 of my reconstruction. I  know that my fear of something bad interfering with that surgery is also causing me huge anxiety.  I want to just move on.  I am tired of burdening my husband with my drama, nobody wants to hear it.  I don't want to hear it either.  I really don't know what to do. I am feeling pretty down, alone and scared.  It is a joy to be me today.  However, Marley and I made yummy cookies on cold day2. That's something good.

That's all I've got. 

Deep Freeze

Cold day 2014!  Didn't leave the house, because I didn't have to! Kept a toasty fire going all day and mainly hung out and played with Marley. I haven't heard from the doctor yet, which doesn't surprise me. It was Friday afternoon and all, I plan on calling in the morning. I've pretty much decided that regardless of the results I want to get the CT scan. I'm driving myself crazy and my body is rebelling. Then I can truly know the side effects I'm dealing with. The doctor did say that some people can't handle the side effects, and discontinue taking tamoxifen. I can deal, I can adapt because I know the drug is very beneficial.  But I need concrete answers. I see the oncologist on Friday when I get herceptin. 

Tomorrow school has been called again. The temperatures all day were crazy low, saw-16 this morning. Brr. It will be extra hard to get out of bed on Wednesday... The longer were home the more distant the reality is that we all need to go back! Just too cold to think about not wearing sweatpants everyday... Oh, that's going to be worse than getting up!!

I will continue to stay as positive as possible and deal with whatever as it comes. Most likely it's nothing is my mantra....

Stay warm....

If I ever go blog from the computer, I'm going to put up a video, if possible, of me snowboarding. Brad took video, and it's a first. It's kind of cool. Makes me strong. 

Stay Warm

Baby it's cold outside....I slept alone last night as Brad had fallen asleep on the couch. We had a long day with a lot of fresh air! Surprisingly, I felt really good today. Oddly, my pains were markably less distinct. Go figure. Maybe I stretched and knocked things back in place? Maybe I busted something lose? I didn't explode on the slopes, so that was a bonus. I don't know, but I'll take it. I am really surprised that I am not sore. However, I usually have the one day delayed soreness thing and tomorrow could be a bear. Doesn't matter though, as they have called off school and we are home in the deep freeze. Not planning to venture out in that!  

We took most of the Christmas decorations down today and rearranged a few things. The kids played outside for hours building forts. Dane and his friend built a fort and covered it with disposed Christmas trees they scoured the neighborhood for. I think we have three forts and eight trees in front of our house. It's what kids are supposed to do with all that snow!

This evening each kid had a friend and a movie night-instead of the dreaded sleepover. Brad was on the computer and I read. Pretty relaxing. I am hoping to hear that my ultrasound was good or that I have something super common or simple. I am hoping yesterday was the start of my new beginning...

It's a balmy 1 degree in Batavia right now, can't wait to see the thermometer drop to -19...I'll believe it when I see it...or feel it... Brrr.

Stay warm! This should help!

Saturday Ride

We're  on the way home from a fun day on the slopes. I am glad this old horse held up. I didn't push myself, I convinced myself that I have nothing to prove. Nothing. To anyone. That's hard. I like to push and play hard, I just couldn't take those risks. I have been riding for 25 years, which makes me so old it's scary! I was there when it was spanking new, so I am a pioneer...but I don't have the stamina or strength of my old self. But when I'm out there I think I'm 25, and feel free. It's a great way to use my imagination and relive my youth...But thank goodness for muscle memory...because I'm not that youngster anymore.

I was hit by one guy and had a small fall, and then I had to bail fairly hard to avoid slamming my board into Marley's face.  I will always take the hit for my kids. Always. Otherwise all was pretty smooth sailing. The best part of the whole day is the escape. I felt normal, I felt like me. I knew my limits but I wasn't at home worrying about the next crap. I chose to not sit this one out. I chose to live real life!

I still have my stupid pains as I ride home in this snowy weather. I feel like one of my pain is spasming. That would indicate some muscular issue....I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow...all over....but that's okay. 

We are expecting 5-10 inches of snow, and then the deep freeze...sounds like a winter mess. If schools are closed, I'll be nursing my achy body...if not, I'll know that these are good pains....

Overall we had a great family day!

Fri/Sat

Yes I forgot to blog yesterday, my bad. I appreciate that you care. I went for my ultrasound and found nothing out.  The technicians tell you nothing and send you off. I don't know when someone will read it, I'm assuming early next week. She didn't spend much time on internal or external exam. Less than five minutes each. In my head that's a good sign. She wasn't hovering in an area or anything buy she also didn't say anything. Argh.  

So I wait. 

Last night we had friends over and we had soup and bread. We also watched a movie. Low key night.  Low key is good.

Right now we are in Wisconsin on he way to Cascade to take the kids snowboarding. Is it a good idea? I don't know. I'm tired of not doing the things I love because I'm weak or in pain. What if this is the pain I have to live with forever? I need to adjust and get used to it. I'm done sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I will take it easy and just enjoy the day. It's supposed to be 28 and light snow.  Need fresh air before the deep freeze.

I can guarantee that I will be sore later and for the next two days, but to me that's good pain. That's the pain I want to feel...muscles working, lungs filled with crisp air... That's living!

Break is Almost Over

It's getting to be the end of winter break, and I've pretty much been a bum.  I kind of liked it. Especially coming off all those daily trips to Aurora.  There have been days where I haven't even left home, and I don't feel bad about it.  Today I left for a little shopping and later I took Dane and a friend to the movies.  I also graded papers, made homemade pasta and worked on a puzzle I started yesterday...we finished tonight. 750 pieces. I know.. Dorks. So what.

Tomorrow I have my ultrasound to see if there is an alien baby growing in my womb. If it had to be something, that's what I want it to be. Why? First of all, it would totally freak Dane out...he just loves aliens....Secondly, I'd be rich$$$$$ I could set my family up for life!  I could go on the talk show circuit and sell pictures to tabloids...and the marketing...dolls, t-shirts-and a hefty book offer... Endless possibilities.  Lastly, because it wouldn't be anything bad.  I vote alien.

 I don't know if I'm nervous or anxious anymore or if I have come to peace with knowing that whatever is going on isn't in my control. It also is probably not bad, it can't all be bad...actually, it can, but that would suck....and I am not going to have a sucky year... Been there, done that! Moving on. 

Getting ready to be thrown into a deep freeze here. Tomorrow is supposed to be bad and Monday a high of -9. Doesn't that fall into the oxymoron catagory? Brr.  Bet school gets cancelled. Too many kids walk, buses won't start and kids are exposed at bus stops. Seems like a disaster ready to happen.  Who knows. 

Done for the night. Fingers and toes crossed for tomorrow.

2014

Happy New Year!  This year must be better, I demand it! I will it to be better dammit... Anyway we spent the evening with several of our neighbors and way too many kiddos...jk. We played some games and I even left with a "spoons" battle wound. The parents were pooping out before the kids -so we celebrated NY New Years and went home.  As long as it is 2014 somewhere in the United States, we're good.

Woke up today with beautiful snow flittering around. A great start to the year. We rallied friends and organized a trip sledding with all the kids. We made a fire in the pavilion, had hot toddies and cocoa. A perfect winter afternoon.  I went up the ice covered hill once and sled down, but only once. I just cannot afford to hurt myself. I'm already pissed at how out if shape and weak I have become. I've never been like this and I am angry about it. I have always been strong with a lot of energy and stamina. I am not myself.  Another goal for this year.

I did not hear from scheduling an ultrasound. I will call early tomorrow to get it done by the weekend. I know I will feel better once they tell me all looks good. I still feel the oddness, yesterday was a little less, who knows. All I do know is last year was the year I was diagnosed and treated for BC. This year has nothjng to do with that. It's done. It's over. Moving forward. Positivity only.  Once back at work, there will only be 5-6 weeks before surgery. Is it weird to look forward to that?  It means progress. Progress is good. 

Happy New Years!