Well, when the going gets tough...the tough gets run through the mill...again. I heard from my primary doctor today that my ultrasound was perfectly normal, nothing high or low...beautiful. That is good news, however doesn't explain a damn thing for the sensations I am having. We talked about getting the CT scan to "ease my mind". As much as I completely freaked out about having it done, I am going to do it...on Thursday. No time like the present. It will go one of two ways: All good, and I will feel great and move on! And I will know that the yuckies I am dealing with are drug related. I can process and adjust. Or, they find something else and I have to deal with another mess. I vote for the first one of course. I am a tad stressed out...go figure. Nobody promised me that this was going to be easy. Nobody.
I have a fun week ahead of me. I have the CT on Thursday afternoon. Which means I get to chug the barium liquid at school. Fun times. Then on Friday I get Herceptin and see the oncologist. She probably won't have the CT results because they take two business days they said. Then on Monday I have the Mugga heart scan, yes, it has been another three months. That means two IV's, my favorite!!! I am also trying to see my surgeon, because I have another issue to ask her about, but can't get in until Jan 29th. I am stressed. I am over the top stressed out right now. I am trying to hold it together, but it isn't easy. I thought once I was done with the "hard stuff", things would be better. I thought I would bounce back and start being able to live my life again, without sickness, pain, burns, and major side effects....but no. I am not lucky enough right now to not be fearful of this next week and what is going on in my body.
I know that worrying is bad. I know that stress kills. Brad tells me that worrying will kill me. That doesn't help because then I am killing myself right now, I can't help but worry. Most normal human beings would if they were in my situation. They would. I know it...if not, I am a pansy assed worry wart, and there is nothing I can do to change that.
Five weeks from today I will hopefully be having phase 1 of my reconstruction. I know that my fear of something bad interfering with that surgery is also causing me huge anxiety. I want to just move on. I am tired of burdening my husband with my drama, nobody wants to hear it. I don't want to hear it either. I really don't know what to do. I am feeling pretty down, alone and scared. It is a joy to be me today. However, Marley and I made yummy cookies on cold day2. That's something good.
That's all I've got.
No comments:
Post a Comment