Happy Halloween!

Hope everyone got enough trick or treating in before the rain came down... My kids did pretty well, I think people wanted to get rid of their candy. :)

I asked the tech at radiation to say "Muhahahahhah" In an evil voice before they zapped me. She humored me. It's Halloween after all. 

October 30-really?

October 30th...I cannot believe how fast this month has flown by.... What have I done? Where does the time go? Well, I started radiation and I do what I do everyday, work, mom, etc.  Normal stuff.  Today was treatment 6 I think, is that bad that I have already lost count?  Pretty sure I started last Wednesday...that would make this 6.  Only a mere 27 to go!  Damn that is a huge number.   It is going faster, they seem to be lining me up quicker and getting down to the zapping.  Today I met with the doctor, she came to check out my skin and see how I am doing.  Skin is fine. I talked to her and the nurse about my sleep issue and she suggested yoga.  She also said that the other things I am trying are all worth a shot. I like her, she is very kind-she has a warm demeanor.  The nurse who helped me get all situated with radiation is also a really kind person.  She talked to me for awhile and let me just, well...talk.  She is very understanding and I didn't feel rushed or that I was bothering her.  I can be an open book, a sappy novel, and I want to stop that...but I need to get some of the crud out.  I feel sorry for those who get stuck listening to me...but they are so good at it.  We talked about the positives and how I am trying to take back some control of my mind and body...and that I am allowed to lose it and grieve for what I have lost...body, mind, dignity...

After last night's massage, I am really focused on cleaning my mind and taking back my body.  I am visualizing the me on the other side, and I look happy, healthy and like the old me (but with wavy hair).  I have to keep my eye on the prize.

I am sad that it is raining and that Halloween may be a bust this year. It looks like we will be cancelling our deck party.  I am not up for hosting it indoors, so we will plan something else. I hope it just sprinkles and the kids can at least go trick or treating for a bit.  Marley woke up all mad because of tomorrow's forecast. 

Tonight both kids carved pumpkins...alone.  Dane did his alone, but he is 12 so that is expected.  Marley did hers alone which was a bit of a risk.  She made a "pumkin plan" and stuck to it. She wouldn't let us in the kitchen where she was working.  When she was done she disassembled some headband that lit up, and wired up her pumpkin up to have a strobe light. Then she invited us to the kitchen, in the dark, to see her work. It was pretty cute, although we all almost had seizures with the strobe!

Dane is at play practice, and we are chilling.  I want to go to bed, but it is a bit early for that. I am not doing well with it getting dark so darn early.  Brad is bad with the seasonal changes and I can see that I am getting that way also. If it is going to be dark we need snow, the reflection makes it lighter and therefore better.  

Enough for one day.  Have a fun Halloween!

 Dane

 Marley

Alternatives

I was just texting with my friend Julie, who also recently finished treatment, and is working on the hair growing end of things...that I need to update my picture with all of my new luscious hair!  It has grown quite a bit. People say it looks like it is getting curly in the back, hmm.  If I end up with lovely waves, it will be a bonus. Right now I wear it in a faux hawk each day to school.  Why not, plus I like it and it is fun.  I can't update the picture now, I am makeup free and it is the end of a long day. Not pretty.

Had radiation with xrays today, which makes the process twice as long. They do xrays to make sure they are always in the right fields. I don't even listen anymore. I just lay there stony still and zone out.  Came home-changed and went to get a massage.  I went to a chiropractor's office for this-rather than a walk in place or a salon.  I don't want to tell my story to a different random masseuse each time I go, so I thought establishing someone near home and at less of a foofy place would be a good idea. It was.

I went a few minutes early because I knew I would have papers to fill out.  I did.  I met the masseuse and she was willing to listen to the short version of my story. (Although she said I didn't need to make it short, but I wanted it short!)  She was a very good listener and really had a way of making me comfortable. She said she believed that I needed a light, more therapeutic first massage-rather than getting in there good and beating me up. I agreed.  Usually I cannot stand when the masseuse talks to me, I am there to relax, not have a conversation.  However, she was different.  She talked to me in a way that I needed, she was very understanding and made me think of things that I thought were helpful.  She was part therapist and part masseuse.  She was what I needed right now. It was a fateful match that I picked this place and she was assigned to me.  She said her method was a little unconventional for the chiropractor's office, but I was open to her new age thinking.  I am open to just about anything that may help me get my body back on track, clear the gunk out of my head and help me sleep.  It was the nicest manipulation of my body in months. No needles, no shifting, no drawing, nothing bad.

I made an appointment for two weeks from tonight to go back.

I also made an appointment for a naprapath for next Tuesday.  She is over in Wheaton, but I would like to give her a whirl. I know it is a bit out there (most people think naturopath, or haven't heard of one at all), but I had one experience with a naprapath, and it was very successful.  I have an initial consultation with treatment focused on insomnia.  She thought that 3-4 sessions may be what I need.  Since it will be coming out of pocket, that sounds reasonable.  I also have an email in to an acupuncturist to see if he thinks he could help.  Alternative medicine here I come.

Massage, naprapathic doc and acupuncture all sound good. Let's hope they can deliver!

One of the things the masseuse asked me was, "What does the finished you look like-when you will be happy with how you look and feel? What will you be doing? What does this future look like?"  I liked the question. Made me think.  The first image that popped into my head was me, with shoulder length, wavy hair, new boobs, thinner, in a fabulous place with my family on vacation, laughing and having fun.  That is what I saw. That is what I am making my goal for next summer.  Goals are good.

Yep, Monday

Looks like I forgot to blog yesterday, oh well. I can't place any additional stress on myself.   If I forget, I forget. Sunday was a low key day, more stuff around the house, good brunch with the kids (we are a breakfast loving family instead of dinner really) and errands.  Still running around, but less fun and more productivity.

Last night I thought I would try the diphenhydramine for sleep. That is the active ingredient in Benadryl that makes you tired. I was told before that works and tried it again.  Not so much.  Little sleeps, one bad dream but that was more stress induced than anything.  In the dream I was at work and my principal, who happened to be Lenny Kravitz, with a full afro, asked me if I saw my files.  I said no.  Then a parent (who happened to be a guy I saw at Bat Fest, but don't know) asked for a conference and I said "no, I have to go see my file."  He was mad of course and we exchanged words. Then I went to find Lenny and he was in this big glass and mirrored room with thermal images of my head projected everywhere.  He had to tell me that I now had brain cancer.   Lovely dream.  What is wrong with me?  Sleep deprivation is now messing with the little sleep I get.  The dream was bad, but Lenny was still hot....

Today was work. drive. radiate...home...normal busy Monday stuff after.  I am super duper exhausted.  I am struggling with what to do tonight.  I want to just go to sleep on my own and see what happens.  It could work out great (optimism) or suck so bad I am a total zombie tomorrow (good thing were near Halloween).  I may down some cherry juice and melatonin-not sure. 

This evening a friend stopped by to chat. She is a friend through a neighbor, but have always enjoyed her company at parties and get togethers. We talked a bit at a party Saturday night and she followed through tonight with a great offer. She is working on her yoga certification and is going to come to my house to work on restorative yoga, breathing and meditation with me.  She can use me to help her learn and I can use her to help me heal.  She also gave me her acupuncturist's number and I am going to give that a whirl too.  I am hoping for some stress and pain relief.  I did schedule a massage for tomorrow night-my neck is beyond tight and a lot is built up in there.  I have to start somewhere. 

Hopefully I can get into a routine of relieving stress for my mind and body.  Get this, I tried calling to get an appointment with a therapist through my carrier and they have several, however you cannot get in to see anyone until late December or January.  I think I have found the glitch in my insurance-limited doctors.  I have dealt with this stress for the past 7 months, I guess I have to continue on my own. I don't want to pay out of pocket therapy prices. Yikes.  Maybe the yoga and other stuff will help me too.  I hope.  I find myself getting down and sad when I am so tired-so the sleep is the number one thing I need to work on.  Everything else I am doing is out of my hands.

Going to take a hot shower before bed to loosen up my muscles to relax and promote sleep.  Hoping for the best. 

Too Much Halloween!

Today was one of the busiest non medical days that I have had in a long time.  We worked on our bedroom, trying to make it a better sleep environment for me all morning, then I took the kids to BatFest in downtown Batavia, then the Boo Bash at my school, then a party for adults this evening.  Good thing I am so well rested for days like these...

On the fun note, Mars won a costume contest at BatFest, her luchadora costume turned out really cute. :)

Finding something to wear as a costume was a challenge for me. Not only do my normal clothes not fit me due to weight gain and body changes, I am all sharpied up to my neck from radiation. I can't wear anything that scoops even a smidgen or isn't practically a turtle neck.  Just when I thought things for my self esteem couldn't get much worse, it did.

I just returned from the party and I have to say that it is not easy taking a step back and not being in the midst of all the fun. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed myself, but not like I would have if I wasn't the me I am now.  It is a hard change of life...especially for a social person like myself.  I don't know the right adaptation here, I feel like if I don't act like old me, I look like something is wrong. Well, there is...and I am dealing with it.  I want to have fun with my friends like I used to, and it deeply saddens me that I can't and everyone else's life just goes on and all is fine.  Sucks I guess.  Not their fault, and I am glad that they are enjoying themselves, that is what people need to do more.  I need to enjoy more also, I just forgot how I guess, I have become a little reserved.  I am super self conscious, always uncomfortable and feel like I don't want to draw attention to myself.  Too many changes.  Still so much to digest, especially now that we have the party and holiday season approaching.  I have fantastic friends, so that is a huge bonus....Thank Goodness for them!

Friday 3 Down

Not a lot to report today. Last night I tried hard to sleep on half a pill and it was restless and bad. Hard day with fatigue. Zapping went quickly today, thank goodness. Nothing this evening-couldn't really do anything while this tired anyway.

Shrink called me because I finally emailed him. He apologized about the bad reaction to the sleep drug he prescribed. He said to never take it again. He still thinks I should try the other one but haven't heard back from Osco and it's been a week. Needed to go through insurance and they didn't have it... Not sure I want to try it anyway.

Also heard back from nurses at oncology about herbal supplements and the drugs I take for therapy. Nothing wth estrogen in it-like soy. I need to ask if I should avoid all soy in general. Luna bars have soy, edamame is soybean...don't want to counteract any therapies. I can cut out soy for the most part I believe.    Another suggestion which I have on the list was acupuncture. Looking into it. Also I'd like to look into napropathic medicine. I went once to a napropath for tennis elbow, had one treatment and I never had a problem again. It's not a common practice- very old world. 

Going to try to get some sleep, with help, or else tomorrow will be a waste. Tomorrow is Halloween fun in town, at my school, and a party for us that night . Send vibes for sleep... Open to catch them!

Faster....

Must faster today.  Thank goodness.  I was in and out of there in my allotted time, which is 30 minutes.  Seems like they have me dialed in and set now. Once a week they will take x-rays to make sure I am still in order with the calculations. I just lay there.  That is my job. I could leave my shoes on if I want, seems weird, but maybe I will. Depends if I am wearing cute socks or not. :) All those x-rays and radiation can't be good, but what am I to do?  Leave it up to the experts. 

The time is good, but I have to leave right after school, and I have to find a new place to park. The buses and parents are all lined up, and if I get stuck, it will throw my whole commute the center off. I am working on that tomorrow.  I even  have a parking advocate, rather a sweet gesture I must say.

I dozed off while watching something with Brad last night, I never do that. I don't think I was sleeping, but I wasn't watching nor paying attention, or even hearing. I almost stayed on the couch. I thought I could do the sleep thing on my own if I was that wiped, so I tried....until 12:30 a.m., then I caved.  Tonight I am going to take a half dose, and only take half until I am ready to give it up and try it on my own.  Problem is, if I go too long without sleep and accumulate a huge sleep debt, I will never be able to catch up (without help) and will be a wreck. Yoga, massage and herbal teas are next weeks plan. Ativan and herbs don't mix, says so on the bottle. Not sure why...I love the label, alcohol may intensify the effects...really? More sleep?  Okay. Nah. I don't do that.  I stay smart.  It is boring, but I take no chances.

TGIF-tomorrow.  I wish it was a normal Friday to go out with friends after work, haven't done that in 100 years.  Instead I will go see my new friends-the zappers.  Then, not sure. No plans for Friday night, that is okay.  I will probably work on Marley's costume.  Saturday is a big Halloween day, and we love Halloween around here. 

Night.