My Decision

I have hit rock bottom at this point.  My upbeat go get 'em attitude has been crushed.  Hopefully it will only be temporary.  I will be going through with the bilateral mastectomy tomorrow, WITHOUT the reconstruction.  It is NOT what I wanted. In fact the stupid reconstruction was one of the major things holding my mental health together.  Now, I am in a daze.  I feel like crap and I am sad, very sad.  The guy is sick in the hospital, not much I can do about that.  They didn't say what was wrong because they believe in privacy, go figure. I hope he gets better soon.

I am angry too, why did this happen to me? I don't see this as a sign, nothing good is from doubling my whole "journey".  I am not ready for this drastic change and now I feel like I am going to be a disfigured, damaged woman.  I know this is offensive to many, but this is how I feel, not how I would feel about anyone else.  I had a mindset, and now it has been erased.  I am not digesting this well at this point.  I am sure I will get there.

I don't see waiting over two weeks to do this all as a smart decision.  I see this as a selfish decision and this is a test of my strength.  How could I wait and find out then it spread but now have my new boobs?  I could never live with myself, nor have that fear looming over me.  Nobody knows the moment when a bad cell hits the road, what if that is this Thursday, or next Tuesday?  Then I am screwed.  But if they are gone on Wednesday, then there isn't that chance.

I choose to not take a chance with my life, to be there for my kids, Brad, friends and family....the boobs can wait.

The afternoon got shittier too.  Dane asked me what the name of the surgery was, I asked if he really wanted to know the name, he said no.  Then he said, "Please don't tell me you have a disease. Please don't tell me you have cancer."  I couldn't reply.  He knew.  We went to Target and talked in the car, he knows the basics and that the Fixer doc can't do his part and that I am sad about that.  He swore not to say a word to Mars because she is too little. He was very good and calm about it.  He said as long as we can cure it, I will fight it.  He also told me today that in a quick write in lit/lang he wrote a paragraph on his hero: Me.   How could I make any other decision than the one I have had to make today.

Final thought until the late night freak out session I am predicting- Doc's office called and said that both doctors talked about my decision and how Fixit told them to relay a message:  "I will make you beautiful, don't worry."