After a nasty night of headache and tears, I had to get up. I was not going to let this defeat me on the first day. I am not the kind of person who can wallow in my self pity and lay around. I don't have time for that at all. I have things to do and life goes on for my kids and for me. Get up and move and do what you need I kept telling myself and I did.
I got a text from Debby, council member-venter. and she told me her eyes were swollen from crying all night. That made me sad. Her and I have known each other over 18 years. She went through this with me and my mom. She was there for me, she saw the sadness and the devastation of cancer. My mom wasn't one of the lucky ones. She died at 60. Now I will be happy to make it that long. That is 17 years from now and I will take that, please..... I just want to see my kids grow.
So after more tears I needed to go run errands for a fundraiser for my archery club, so Dane and I ran around a bit. Then I went to lunch with one of my mom's closest friends from childhood, and her daughters. I managed to make it through lunch without a mention of it at all. Go me. More errands. Any downtime I can go to those dark places. I must stay busy, but I was so tired from no sleep. I rested and got no sleep and went to the fundraiser with friends. I now have had this information for 24 hours. Kristin is one of my council-partner, she has offered to be there every step of the way. Who can say that? Someone that cares and believes that I can do this. I want to be strong enough to do it on my own, that's how I am, but I may need help this time. I don't have my mom to be with me, and Brad will have to work so we can still have our lives. I am grateful for my friends. My other council member Cheri-techie, is very good on the computer and is going to do research for me on doctors and medical advice and filter the nasty, because I refuse to look on the Internet. She may be my scribe to keep blog going when I cannot. I am not going to search the Internet, too many bad things and scare tactics. Not gonna do it. I have other wonderful friends too, and in time when they know, I am sure they will be supportive of me also. To all of you who are finding out in this format, I love you, please understand that I had to do it this way. I just had to.
Saturday night we had a planned event. We went with another couple who didn't know yet and Kristin and her husband, I had to tell them because she asked how things turned out. I guess hearing your friend say those words, which I still have an incredibly hard time typing or saying, kind of freaks you out. I didn't want to spoil our fun, so I sucked it up and tried to be nonchalant about it. I am not going to let this defeat nor define me. I am not. This is not the end of Donnanne. It is going to take more than this to get me, I need to be around for the zombie apocalypse. This is going to be a sucky speed bump, those one's with the spikes in them, and I will crush it with my giant steamroller and say Fuck You!
Debby had my kids for the night, I didn't want to leave them alone, they sense something odd is going on and they are smart, damn smart. Dane is scared. I am trying to help him understand that I am trying not to be scared but I don't know much. I can't use the word, he lost his grandma this way. I am going to avoid it as long as I can. He just made the school play and I am so proud and shocked in his interest. He is the Goblin King in the Hobbit. That will be great to keep his mind busy. Baseball is coming up and so is softball. These are good distractions for them. I want their lives to stay as normal as possible. I am going to do my best to keep my life as normal as possible also.
I don't know if I am going to have surgery or go through all the chemo crap. I am already freaking about possible pain and mental anguish, I cannot even relax at a spa, how am I going to lay around and be an invalid? Not going to have that happen. I made my Council promise me that they wouldn't let me be a sickly person lying around in an hospital gown drugged like a zombie. That is not me. That is not me.
So-today is Sunday the second day of my new life... what now? I emailed my principal that I won't be in and that I have a confident substitute, my friend and former teammate Steve, to cover for me. I don't know if I will be back at work and treated at night, I don't know if I will be under the knife shortly. I currently know nothing, except I have an unwanted visitor in my body....
Today I am having my cold coffee, writing this blog, watching Dane wrestle with Bosco. I am going to go get his haircut and do some laundry- be normal. I am going to try not to cry, especially in front of the kids.
Tomorrow is the day I see the surgeon who did the procedure on Monday. Next steps. I am writing these now but won't release them until tomorrow maybe? I don't know. I think this is an outlet for me, a way to stay in touch with people who care but I don't see often. I have lot of work ahead of me. I need to cover a whole bunch of new areas, my mental health, the treatment, support groups and I need to find a fight club so I can kick somethings ass... or I need to shoot as much as I can, if I can.... I need my anger released.... that is why I am the fightermomma.... this is not getting in the way of my life... I will crush it.. I promise ME that...
I wrote that this morning. Its now post dinner. Appetite is weak. Not because I am sick, but because I am disgusted. I coped all day. My friend Karen came over, she wasn't available Friday night, she was in Wisconsin. She too agrees that this is all too freaky and can't be real. I think each day I will wake up feeling that way. Tomorrow is scary. Very scary. This is what I feel. If she tells me that I can beat this, that I am not facing imminent death, I can do it. I can go through all the pain and treatment, I can lose my hair (so not wanting that to happen, I have nice hair), I can get new boobs and move on. Just let me live to see my babies grow. That is all I am asking.
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