Monday Morning.
Didn't get much sleep. How could I. Brad is a night owl and comes to bed after me. I went to bed alone. I can't do that. I had Marley the two night's previously, I like sleeping with her. I told Brad he needs to change his sleep routine, I need someone there.
Appointment is in about a half an hour. I feel like I could puke. I did Marley's hair in pigtails and she looked so damn cute. When I dropped her off and watched her bounce into school I lost it. My babies need me. My little daughter needs her mommy. I want to watch her grow, she is so beautiful inside and out. I am writing this with tears running down my face. I am sick of crying. I feel so weak in disposition, and I don't like it.
Marley has girl scouts and Dane has a band concert tonight. They both have 4H, but that isn't happening. I don't have time for this. I feel fine, I am fine, it is all a mistake....
I like to have control, not a shocker. This is really difficult for me to know that I have no control over my situation right now. There is an uninvited visitor in my body and it needs to go away. Brad will be home at 10:15 so we can go. I don't want to clean or do laundry, which needs to be done because I have neglected just about everything and we fired our cleaning lady a month ago... I would like to think of positive things, plan things... because that is what I do best. But that part of me is gone now. Temporarily I hope, but it is gone.
Marley asked about how long until spring break. I said two weeks, but didn't tell her that most likely we will be canceling our trip to Quebec City. That sucks for the whole family. I know, priorities. Traveling with my kids is very important to me. Going places and having experiences and being together is why we work so hard and try to give our kids a good life.
Brad will be home any minute. Texted a few friends for some morning support. Wish me luck. There are only a small handful who have this now,and I know you are wishing hard for me.
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