Just another Saturday

Yesterday was quite a day. It pretty much wiped me out mentally. There was so much information to take in and process, unbelievable. I would have to say today was 100% better.  Maybe it was because there were no IV's, no information, no doctors...just a "normal" Saturday.  Again I woke early to think nothing had changed, until I moved.  It is that wonderful, blissful 2 minutes that I wake and feel absolutely normal.  I wonder how long that will last.  I hear I will be accustomed to a new normal in a few weeks.  I liked my abnormal normal...

The first think I knew I had to do was face the music with the bandages. I wanted them changed, I wanted my back washed, I had to look.  I asked Brad if he was ready, and his new cheesy slogan is, "I'm in it to win it".  Not sure what he is winning, but it is really funny and stupid.  Both of which I appreciate.  I got my back washed, which felt so good.  As you know that I am grungy, crunchy girl, who BY CHOICE, can go without showering for camping etc., but as soon as you tell me I can't shower....Ew....I don't like it one bit.  I am hoping that I get the shower permissionTuesday.   I am going to stand there with a ton of soap and hot water...Oh, I can almost feel it..... I unwrapped and held a towel across myself because I wasn't ready for full frontal...  I peaked, then I did it.  I showed Brad and we both were like, Eh.  He wanted to know if I had tape or steristrips, and I poked at my numb, extra chicken skin.  It felt odd.  I didn't drop to the ground crying or anything.  We just kind of looked, and wrapped me back up.  It was less emotionally eventful than I thought.  Thank goodness.  I also realized those beasts were trying to kill me.  No need for that here.  Very rational. Brad told me he would rather have me like this than the alternative.  I think it natural for any woman to feel self conscious and worry whether or not their partner will still find them attractive after they lose a womanly identifier.  I am going to put that worry and issue on  the back burner.  I have a good man.  Plus, maybe I can get him new boobs for Christmas....

I dressed, I made breakfast.  Granted I had to have Dane reach everything for me, but I made Swedish pancakes and felt like mom on a normal Saturday.  I went for a walk around the block several times with Patty and just enjoyed being outside and in a safe place.  Then I went out in public, Oooh, public.... I know everyone who has seen me says you can't tell anything, I now look like any other woman who isn't busty.  But I can tell.  I feel like everyone is looking at me, but I realize they are not.  Kristin took me Easter shopping for the kids, some shirt shopping for me and then we went out and had  a beer at a bar.... It was really nice being normal.  I am really still me. I plan to still have fun, be obnoxious and enjoy my life.  The only thing that is different is my interest in planning. I love to plan, but can't because my next year is kind of laid out for me. I have no known cancer in my body, I am not sick.  I am going to take this chemotherapy to knock out all possibilities so I can live until  I am 86.  (since this is my unwilling mid life crisis, that is my time, I am okay with that).  It completely sucks.  That is a given.  I have a very good attitude towards nailing this MF, and I will do it with the support of my friends, family, humor, fairies, my mom, my strong body and my inner strength.  

I am going to color Easter eggs with the kids and enjoy what I have. I have hope and a fighting chance.