SundayBloodySunday......

I couldn't sleep last night. I am not sure why, but I couldn't.  I took the Norco that usually makes me sleepy, but this time it didn't.  I couldn't get comfortable and just couldn't snooze. I woke Brad at 7 to help me and take more meds and went back to sleep.  I am sick of these drains.  I find them to be the most painful thing of this recovery.  Everything else has no feeling.  The drains are sewn into my skin to stay.  Brad offered to show me via pic this morning, and I chose not to look.  Brad is much more comfortable at helping me, he needed to do the initial one and now he is okay.  I cry when he is washing me up, I am not that thrilled with my ace bandage tube top.  He said I am not that different, I am like the DonnanneLite or Donnanne2.0 version right now...I will get my upgrade.  He washed my hair and I felt semi-human for the day.

Day proceeded to be gloomy.  Kids had meltdowns and Marley was continuing to be angry at me and the world.  I told her to take out some anger on pillows or bears and she did, but there is a lot of pent up confusion and sadness in there.  That breaks my heart.  I want to help her. What I want more than anything is to hug her. We are into hugging when someone feels bad or sad.  I can't really hug.  My arms are lame, my warmth is gone and I am not very huggable at the moment.  Sad.  Marley told me that I looked and acted fine and that she was a little mad that she had to do more and I was okay.  I guess I am fooling some people.  I know this is not how it should be.  Something has to happen.  Cancelled a visit because the house was a mental wreck.  Couldn't do it.

Nap happened.  Kids played with their friends.  Then Kristin came by with a Zentangle meditation art kit.  Very cool. This may help because  I have already found myself bored.  I have no interest in anything right now.  I have not turned on the tv once. Not even in the hospital.  I have watched nothing.  I have read nothing. I am not even interested in surfing the net or looking on Pinterest.  I have no interest in anything except healing and moving on.  Maybe the meditative doodling will help.

Shannon brought us a wonderful dinner of ribs, chicken, lamb cake, salad and a whole lot more! Way too generous!  It was delicious and easy for us. Thank you!  The kids had friends over while Karen and I chatted.  We talked about all this crap and what is in store.  We sat by the fire and chilled.  I am so lucky that I don't have to put makeup on and be worried about how I look right now, I don't have that energy. I did put my earrings and rings back on today.  Slowly.  While Karen and I were talking I got an itch.  I got an itch inside my ace tube top.  I tried to scratch over it, but that was nothing at all. Then I thought I would try to reach in for a quick scratch.  I barely made it in there with a finger and all I could feel is flesh and bone.  I kind of freaked.  Karen said I looked mortified.  I was.  The itch would have to stay there. I am afraid for what is to come.  Tomorrow the bandages need to be changed.  Do I go to the doctor's office and have them do it?  Do I have Brad do it and not look?  Do I do it with him and face it? I have no idea what to do.

Marley is laying next to me in Brad's spot.  We had a talk.  She has more information on what is going on and what has happened.  She has an idea of what could happen with certain medicine.  She knows about the drains, and even told me she could help me with them or help me get dressed, whatever I needed.  My Marley is on her way back.  She said she had a friend say that he knows what is going on with me, but his mom threatened his life if he said it to her.  She also said she knows that moms are telling their kids to "be nice".  She said it was obvious.  Smart.  She just asked me how they took them off?  I told her I didn't know.  She also wanted to know what they did with them, did they put them on a plate? "Two boobs on a plate?"  I looked at her and laughed.  Mini-me is back.  I am going to sleep better tonight knowing she is on the mend.  The best was, she asked  '"Does Dad know all of this?"
The world is a better place when you know your children are safe and sound, both physically and mentally.