Haunted

My bloodwork all came back normal, which is a good indicator that I don't have an infection. However, my left side is still strangely red and hasn't changed. I do not have a fever or the chills. Going to continue on the antibiotics for the full seven days just in case. I also found out that the bloodwork I get done before I see the oncologist means a whole lot of nothing regarding cancer. There is nothing in the standard labs that would tip off anyone that something is going on. So I was pretty much told that I will not know if I ever get something again unless I have a problem and it is found that way. I'm not sure any of that relieved any stress or made things scarier. She pretty much said that nobody knows and that I just need to live my life. That's hard some days when I feel cruddy. She said I could go see a GI if I want, but she didn't think it was the diverticulitis. She said that was mainly on the left side. She also said that the ct cannot show tiny cells that are cancerous, only gross representations-and there was nothing there. She also said the ct cannot see the colon, and if I want I can ask for a colonoscopy. No thanks, that goes into the realm of being poked and prodded. I think I'll continue dealing with it for awhile. It's on and off.

I left there not feeling overwhelmed but not feeling a sense of relief either. One of the nurses equated it to being "haunted" and I think she's right. We decided I need an exorcism. I guess it's time, I need more time behind me with good check ups and it will get easier as I plow forward. It is very difficult for me to have had my life change so much. I wake up each day and hope it was all a dream. I wake up each morning wanting to feel great and not have a three ports in my body. Why me? I kind of stopped asking that question, because it can't be answered. I apologized again to Brad for failing him as a good partner and bring so much bad to the table. Unintentional, but still feel bad. I want to say sorry to the kids and tell them so much but I won't, because they see me as on the other side already. I'm back to mom, and they don't go down bad roads. What they don't know is how I worry about not seeing them grow up, being there at their weddings and being a grandma. I have to put a road block up to those thoughts and enjoy each day and every moment I have. I'm a planner by nature so having a future that is uncertain is hard for me. I know so many more women who are on years out than vice versa. I will look to them as my heros and strive to be them.  I will love lots and enjoy what I have. 

Breathe. 

I hate March by the way. Always will.

Took Marley to the movies tonight. That's a good thing.