Today was rough. I woke up feeling like I had some sleep and my cold is no worse. Yeah! Did the usual mom thing and tried to get Marley off to school. She was having a bad day. She said she didn't want to go to school. There are a couple of boys picking on her, she says. She also is bored out of her skull and finds it hard to go, she is also extra sensitive. She didn't want to go so bad she had tears. I let her stay home from the bus ride to give her an extra 30 minutes and I drove her. While I was dropping her off she had more tears, which makes it so heart wrenching. I dropped her off right in front of the principal. I talked with her a bit about a few concerns, and probably wasn't my best. I like her a lot and have known her, so I was a little more open about some school issues than I would have been with another person. That started my day. Then I came home and was just sad. I went through a whole hour at least with leaking eyeballs. I am so unhappy that I have had SO many changes to my life, in such a short time, with no control. I couldn't even control the tears. I was feeling really sad, mad and all that "why me" stuff. I watched a show yesterday where people have freaky habits, like eating couch cushions, eating comet, sniffing gas.... why aren't they the ones with cancer? Another lady was a mom of a girl who pulls out her hair, and her comment was, "If you don't have hair in this society, you are a misfit". I guess that shows her intellect, but either way it struck a chord. That misfit will be me soon enough. The changes were so swift and so major, I believe I am still in shock, and have been working on cruise control. I don't eat cleanser or dryer sheets, I live a good, clean life and this is what I get. Well, fuck that. I am sorry for the language but I am having a day and that is all I can think of at this moment.
Brad listened and tried to cheer me up and encourage me to get out of the house. Kristin asked me to go to lunch, but I knew I was going to be lousy company and a downer. Who wants to hang around that? I said no. I explained I was bummed, depressed and going for a walk by the river. Even though I said I didn't need company, she came with me. I am glad she did. We walked around the river walk and the crazy high dam, and then went for a treat at the new Limestone cafe. I needed to get out, and I am glad I did. We weren't out for long, an hour or so, but it helped. I don't know what to expect out of all this. But I know that I cannot be strong everyday, as hard as I try. I didn't wake up today planning on being sad. I also didn't think I would weep as much as I did, it just gets overwhelming. I liked who I was. I was happy and not looking for a major life change. I liked what my life represented and what I could accomplish and do. I feel like all of that is gone. I have my friends and family, but we can't do most of the stuff we usually would do. Bottom line that stinks.
I have an option of going to a mastectomy support group tonight and I am not sure I want to go. I have a few fears about it. 1. I am going to be the youngest person there and that will make me feel worse about my situation. 2. There will be a bunch of ladies with scarves and splotchy hair (which makes me sad). 3. People are going to talk about "survival rates", can't deal with that. 4. Stories, I don't want to hear everybody's sad story, misery doesn't love company. 5. All the mastectomy ladies will have already had reconstruction. 6. It will make it all worse.
Okay, it doesn't matter, I didn't go. It is okay because I am not sure I had a reason to go. I am not sure why I thought I needed it. I looked at my reasons NOT to go and they outweighed my reasons to go. Now I am just home having a typical evening where everyone is doing their own thing and ignoring me. Life goes on....
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