Hard to Endure

This would have been a great day to bust out as much yard work and get as dirty as possible... if I was regular Donnanne. But I am not.  I am currently the modified version and today, I was especially lame.  I could barely move. My uncomfortable situation has become so bad it bring tears to my eyes to move. I am done with side effects dammit!  This is a pretty bad one too, can I please catch a break?  I am very upset about this because it is incapacitating.  Now I am having a hard time doing anything much.  No matter what I do it hurts.  It kept me up all night also. Argh.

Here is the thing. I took the 4th treatment, but I have two potential weeks of new and enhanced side effects.  Remember my hair fell out the two days before my second treatment, the end of the cycle? This scares the Hell out of me. What do I have to look forward to?  And now I am just in constant pain?  Can you tell I am pretty pissed. I am.

I pushed through some yard work, despite the pain and lightheadedness of today.  I had to. I cannot sit around (literally) and do nothing, that alone makes me sad and depressed.  So I pulled some weeds.  Big deal.  I finished getting Dane ready for camp and otherwise took it easy.  I didn't have much of a choice. Once again, loss of control...  Here comes the part where I tell myself to suck it up.  What can I do?  I say this often, I have to in order to get through the day. There is a light somewhere at the end of one long assed tunnel I presume....

Tonight we did family pizza and movie night. Brad and Mars made the pizza while Dane and I played cards. Then we watched the second Harry Potter movie.  We have 6 to go!  We take Dane to camp tomorrow, which is bitter sweet.  I love his independence and that he loves camp, but I will miss him...so will Marley.

Going to bed in a few, not taking the Amy pill anymore, completely useless.  I guess I will try sleeping on my own for tonight.  No use in putting more crap in my body if it doesn't do much.  I think this blog is sounding angry and depressed, but I don't know how to convey my irritation with everything that I am doing...and how it is escalated to the ninth degree with the constant pain that I am enduring.  Things would be much better without that.  My hope is that the Nuelasta shot will give my wbc a boost about tomorrow or Monday, and that will increase my immune system to fight off any problems. Maybe then I can heal.  Please o' please let me heal.  I am miserable...