Creeping Anxiety

2 Days Left... I think I am in a bit of an anxious panic mode. I am anticipating the last one and wanting to avoid it and get it done with at the same time. I keep dredging up things that upset me and I am getting too far ahead of myself with what I have in store.. like growing hair, and less side effects.  Many of my wishes may just be that, but if we stopped wishing we would get nowhere. 

I started the day with a nice coffee outing with Steve.  I have to give him public kudos again for being an excellent substitute and friend. I could not have left school the way I did without him. I would have been worried about work, he made me be able to leave that behind and focus on what I needed to.

Then it was home. I did laundry and dishes and all the normal stuff I hate.  I kind of feel like I should be whooping it up on my last days before chemo.  But in reality, I should only be down and out for up to 5 days, then I should spring back.  It just scares me.  It all scares me.  Then I had another mini pity party meltdown.  Brad is a great husband, but just doesn't get the whole identity and body crisis I am dealing with right now.  He is a problem solver and this is a problem he can't solve. So I turned to friends. Which ended up with dinner and a virgin bloody Mary at Gammon.  My friends say that I look the same to them, but they also admit they just don't know what it feels like to have had such drastic changes.  I am sure if I was in their shoes I wouldn't know what to say either.  I don't even know if I want people to say anything in particular, just listen to me vent I guess.  It pretty much is a personal demon. Unless you are in the exact situation, sitting breast free and bald, you can't walk in my stinky shoes. And I don't want you to.  I think I am handling it pretty darn well, I can't help sometimes feeling overwhelmed.  Brad tells me I can't say, what ifs.  I said, I could, I can and I can't help doing that sometimes.  Most of us have gone through times that we don't like the way we look, whether we need a new haircut, need to drop a few pounds, hate this hate that... it is natural.  That is what I am going through, its the same situation on steroids. I will be okay, I promise.

The shirt I am posting is from my class, Steve brought it to me.  It is so sweet.  The back is screen printed, not signed with marker.  I had a great class and I am still sad I missed the end of the year. Hopefully their little experience with me and bc, will raise awareness and tolerance. Hugs to them all.