7/12

7 down, 5 to go.  5 more weeks and I will be done with chemo...hopefully FOREVER!  Today was doctor day also, which makes the whole appointment longer and more anxious.  My blood work is really good in the normal range so doc is happy about that. Me too.  When she asked how I was and replied, "a wreck", we had to talk.  I explained that I think I hit rock bottom physically and mentally.  I have had 17 weeks of chemo and it is about time I crashed.  I explained the lack of sleep is really wreaking havoc on my life. It is both physically draining and making me a sobby, weepy mess.  I hate that vulnerable weak feeling and something needs to change.  I also told her that I was paranoid that something bad was going on in my neck and that it was worrying me. She checked me out and said there was nothing there, no lumps or swelling-but a strained muscle- the one that wraps from the shoulder up your head.  She gave me some muscle relaxers.  She also suggested a neurologist or psychiatrist because they would have better knowledge of how to treat the insomnia/anxiety.  They set me up with someone for three o'clock today.  My chemo buddy Karen couldn't make it, so I called in back up, Kristin.  She stayed through treatment and then took me to the appointment at psych all the way by Fox Valley mall.  I met with a lady, but found out a few minutes into meeting she was a social worker, which would do me no good for getting any medication.  Argh. We sat and talked for about 40 minutes, and I actually gave her some resources for her other patients.  It was kind of a waste.  I am really lucky that Kristin could take me, or else I wouldn't have made it, not that it helped but I tried. Here is the kicker. They cannot get me into a doc at psychiatry until September 16th.  My chemo is over Sept.20 and these drugs will start weening out of my system. Kind of useless I would say.  I am going to bypass them and go to my primary, give her the story and ask her to talk to one of the psychs and get me on something to chill me so I can sleep on my own.  I don't want any more sleep aids and I am not waiting another month. Give me a break. 

After all that, I came home to say good bye to Dane who went off for the weekend with his friend to their lake house. A great last hurrah for him.  Brad was at Marley's meet and greet at school, then tried to get her a softball face mask and two stores were out of them. As soon as they got home we had to get her to her first softball practice.  We both ended up staying and Brad helped. I talked to some very nice moms who were not weirded out by me and were super down to earth. That lifted my spirits. I won't feel like I need to hide out. THEN...we had to go to MCSports because we heard there were face masks...so we did.....THEN we picked up carry out for Mars and Brad, none for me...I am on the pound a week plan still, that made me cry at the office. She said as soon as the drug is over it will all come off.  I have 5 more pounds to look forward to... Insult to injury. Damn. This sucks.

I am trying now to make my chemo appointments at the latest possible time due to work.  I have a two hour slot and they close at 5. If I have to see the doctor the appointment is closer to 3 hours and I have one more of those in three weeks. I am going to miss an hour of school it looks like on Fridays. I will be blowing through my sick days right away.  I don't' have much of a choice, I have asked for the latest each time and there are only 5 left. I will be throwing a major fit to get the after 3 radiation appointments when that comes...  The big question of the day by docs and nurses was, "Are you sure you are ready to go back to work?"  My answer was yes.  Just because I am anxious and extremely tired doesn't mean I don't want to go.  I enjoy the energy, laughter and learning that is involved with my job.  I have the best clients and they laugh at my jokes. They smile and are happy people to be around, they are universally accepting people.  Teaching is fun, it is rewarding and you get to try new things with them and isn't boring...why wouldn't I want to go back... I am getting a mushy brain and middle being at home, I am bored.  I NEED to go back really. Will it be hard, yes.  I will be drained physically and emotionally until I get into a routine, which will be good for me. I will need to do what I need and I believe I have a supportive building to help me out.  I need to sleep.  Bottom line everything is clearer when rested.

In summary.  Going to zone out on muscle relaxers in a few minutes (I wonder if you can ride a bike on those, that would be funny...helmet of course, he he-I am going to get Kristin to do it), going to call primary to get in and bypass shrink, going to gear up for school routine, going to find a place for a massage (free ones at Living Well are during the day or always booked), going to make a wellness plan for me.  I would like to find a nutritionist to work with also.  I have to keep my plan simple and clean.  I am tired thinking about that list already! Long enough blog for tonight.... Happy Sleep!