Reeling & Healing...and Beyond

It has been a few days since I have blogged and it feels weird. I did blog the other night on the ipad, but came to discover that it never published.  I wanted to blog from where I was, Grayling, Michigan.  My friend Katie and I drove over 6 hours to the "up north" part of Michigan to go on a fly fishing retreat called, Reeling for Healing.  We signed up for this a few months ago and thought it would be interesting, plus I love all things outdoors.  The criteria to be a "participant" unfortunately is cancer.  Yeah, too good to be true otherwise.  Each of the four retreats a year are completely donation and volunteer based.  They take up to 14 women, either in treatment or done, with any type of cancer on these retreats.  I was one of two women still in treatment. Everyone else was already done.  The ages of the women were from mid 30's to early 70's.  The volunteers also had about the same age range, both men and women. Some of the women volunteers were past participants, others were not.  These were some damn good people. Most of the men didn't even have a tie with cancer, but found this program to be a way to share and give to others. Unselfish and giving, very cool.

From the moment we arrived the volunteers were right there to great us and carry our bags.  Being the independent woman that I am, I thought it was a little goofy, but I wasn't allowed to carry a thing.  Okay, I guess.  They checked us in and took our dinner order...Everything was moving so fast.  Katie and I had eaten a bunch of food in the car so we weren't very hungry, but we needed to order.  Dinner was great.  The food at this little restaurant in the middle of nowhere was quite delish.  The Gates AuSable Lodge is really a fishing retreat, no frills, fly shop and gourmet restaurant.  Interesting.  I was a little nervous about the "feel" of the program and didn't want it to be all touchy feely and cancery.  A lady sat next to me at dinner and told me that she felt like she needed to cry. She was anxious and didn't know what to expect and she had come alone.  We talked and she was okay-just nervous.  The funny thing was, from that point on I took on the role of the basket case of the trip. As always I have a lack of sleep. In fact, it was getting worse.  I was so exhausted by the time I got to Katie in Chicago that I was on the verge of weeping at every turn.  The retreat wasn't a cancer based program, it was a fishing based program, but there were 10 of us there that have all experienced a life changing event in one way or another, and the whole thing intensified by exhaustion made me a random weepy mess.  I felt weak and stupid. I wanted to scream to these outdoorsy people, "I am one of you, you just can't see it because the real me has been kidnapped!"  I felt sorry for myself and that makes me pathetic and embarrassed.  Here we are with all of these wonderful uplifting people and I am a basket case.  Get over it Donnanne. Suck it, as Kristin would so kindly say...but I couldn't. 

Besides me being a wreck, I learned how to fly fish. I learned a lot actually.  I had two different guides, Ted and Mark.  Neither of them fished, they were just there to teach me how and make sure I was having a good time.  I enjoyed being in the river, the AuSable is beautiful and is, allegedly, full of trout.  I didn't catch any said trout, but I saw them rise and did get a couple of strikes.  I enjoyed learning how to cast and I worked on my accuracy in the water. It is definitely something I would do again, especially because we have a pond and trout stream in Wisconsin.

I have so much more to say than this post.  I have more to say about the fishing, more to say about the road trip, more to say about going to a work meeting today, more to say about my fragile state of mind...but I am exhausted and can't write anymore.  I go see the doc on Friday and will be telling her we need a new treatment plan for this sleep issue. Acupuncture? Anti-anxiety? I will try to fill in more over the next few blogs.  The end of summer is just about here. My last day of "summer" I will spend in chemo. Boo. I also feel bad for my kids because I can't take them to do something fun or special. I barely did that all summer.  I hope I didn't ruin it too much.  If I think about that now it will bring me to tears, then again everything does right now....