Happy New Year

If you have ever hiked with a full backpack and remember what the feeling was like when you reached your destination and removed it...then you may slightly be able to understand the feeling that I experienced when my doctor told me that my CT was all good. The internal drama and primal fear that led up to the results was exhausting. I thought I was going to explode. I felt like jumping out of my skin and yanking at my hair. I sat there and thought, outloud to poor Brad, that in the next five minutes I could be given news that I'm in serious trouble.That all I did  this past year was for nothing and that I was going to die. That my insides were rotten and there was nothing they could do. I know it's extreme, and it's way easier to say that I should stop thinking like that, but until these shoes are waked in, which hopefully they never will...you can't understand. Or...she could walk in and give me the green light to move on. Which is what happened. That time waiting was sheer panic, I hate it and I never want to experience it again. 

My blood was drawn accidentally, which I thought was a bad sign...that the doctor ordered it because of what she saw on the CT. Instead, I was told, and have to believe it was a timing error. See, this week was just herceptin... But we planned a check in because I was concerned about the pains and had the ct. Now I don't have to do blood or see the oncologist for 9 weeks. That will be post op and recovery. Things are starting to look up.  I will be able to proceed with surgery on the 11th. I am hoping at the end of January when I see Plasticman again, he will love my skin and knock me down to a regular procedure. Not the more extensive litismuss procedure. 

This afternoon was exhausting. After the relief of news I still  had to process it. I'm still working though it. There isn't an explanation for my pains. Brad asked the doctor if I could go off the tamoxifen for two weeks to see if there is a difference. She said that since it's a long term drug that it was a good idea to rule out side effects. I'm going to do this. If in two weeks I feel the same, we know it's not the drug and something else. Which then means going to see a GI. If the pains go away, which I'm banking on, we know it's a side effect. Then I make a decision-stay on drug and cope...or go off it because it effects me too much. I will cross that bridge when I get there. The pains are weird, more of an odd sensation-I'll probably live with it because it's a proven drug and I have a high tolerance for pain and discomfort.

I also went to see the radiologist to show her my skin, which she thought looked great. She thought a month more will be just fine for surgery. I also got herceptin. That's so easy now. The port I hated is now a part of me that I barely notice. One of the nurses told me that she has a lady that has been on herceptin for ten years. Ten years!!! If that's the case, why wouldn't we all stay on it if it continues to block and do its job? If that's going to save my life, sign me up.

I am sitting here decompressing from an afternoon I'd like never to repeat. I know we don't want to cook but it's so rainy and crappy out we kind of dont want to leave. A conundrum. ***okay...went out to dinner and now home. 

I'm just relieved I am currently okay. I know that all my friends and loved ones  (ya'll) helped this to happen. I believe my guardian angel, my mom, is holding my hand through all of this. Happy New Year to me. Today, January 10, the first day of 2014, the year of rebuilding Donnanne, begins.

Hugs. Xoxoxo