Downward Spiral of an Evening

I had a good day at work, wasn't exhausted, came home and all was fine and then a few words and information changed my entire mood and outlook.  It went downhill fast. Like a small lovely snowball that got kicked off the side of a mountain and started rolling and rolling, collecting ice and rock...yeah, that's how I feel right now. And it sucks.  I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am not asking for any pity. Once in awhile I get an overwhelming urge of despair and nobody knows what it's like.  I cannot explain to anyone the heaviness that can take over and it is hard to turn off the waterworks.  I had a good weekend and a good day...that's what really sucks. I didn't see this coming.  I know the intention wasn't there, but it happened.

I tried to go for a walk to get some fresh air, but Marley wanted to come with me and she grabbed a poncho and had shorts on so she froze and we made it two blocks away before we turned back.  She knew something was wrong, she always does.  I explained to her that I just don't want to be dealing with medical stuff all of my life and that everything has changed so much that sometimes it is hard for mom.  Her sweet responses were so mature, "It will be all done before you know it", and "Besides a haircut you look the same to me."  Somehow she always knows what to say to me.

I don't even know if Brad knows I am emotional, and I don't want to hear him say "get over it". He doesn't understand why I listen to people and hang on their every word.  I guess it is just another flaw of mine.  Add it to the list.  Everyone says this is hard on him too, I guess it may be, but you wouldn't know. No heartbeats have skipped there. There are a few changes, but I haven't inconvenienced him too much.  I know I am damaged goods-I don't expect him to like what he sees.  I don't.  I look so different-better than before though. Of course I want to look like I used to, but what choice did I have?  All I can think of now is that I will end up some overweight, ugly, sickly person that only my kids could love.  I was having a good day, now...downward spiral.  Maybe I am pathetic.  Maybe I should quite this blog crap so I don't have to let everyone know how pathetic I am.  It's pretty silly to be putting this all out there to be looked at with pity.  I can look in the mirror for that....One thing I am not is a liar, so I can't blog and say all is fine when it isn't and I guess I don't need to be publicly vulnerable anymore...maybe it's time to quit.