What a Nightmare

So I take the new med the doctor gave me and dedicated a good 8 hours to it working. I took it and waited. About 30 minutes later I felt it kick in and gave my body a nice relaxed feeling. My fingers were crossed. Here's how it went down. In and out of fitful sleeps waking with vivid weird dreams and the sweats. Each time I woke I had to shake off images of my dismembered dog, giant sea turtles crossing the street and people in a pool fully dressed. My final wake was to neighborhood noise abouy 3 a.m. At that point I wandered the house looking out the windows for the cause of the sound that now pulled me out of the nightmare. I was wide awake. I was desperate for some rest and I did not want to go back to that surreal land and start over that late -so I opted for an Ativan. Got a little rest but woke up exhausted and scared.

I'm not taking that drug again-and I don't think I'm going to try the other. These things don't work for me and I don't like what they do or how they leave me. I'm done trying to get new stuff. I'm going to email my oncologist and ask if I'm clear for all forms of homeopathy. I'll try melatonin, I'll  do acupuncture, I'll consider a chiropractor. I can't let my mind get all scrambly.  Too scary.   Last night pushed me to a new level. If I tried that again, I'd have to double down the dose and then all I'd do is be worried what will happen. Those dreams were layered. What if I got up and did something bad. Not worth it. 

Pushed through today. Went for a walk with Karen and dogs, went to Batavia craft show, and out to dinner with Hardins.  Dane stayed home and Marley went on a Girl Scout Halloween night. So nice to not pay a babysitter now with Dane being older.

Planning on getting some sleep, Ativan only. No big plans tomorrow-but a long walk is a must.  I am trying very hard to get through all this stuff, somedays are harder than others. I wish I could be stronger, but I'm not. I can only do my best.