Not Happy

Well, I went to see the plastic surgeon and wasn't completely thrilled with the news I left with. He said that my irradiated skin will not hold an expander. I almost lost it. He said my options are: a procedure where they take some of my back muscle and skin and add it to my area that's damaged and then the expander, or the procedure where they take my belly fat and make new breasts. One is a couple hours, the other 12. I don't want either personally, that wasn't in my plans. 

I guess I will go with the removal of some back strap meat and the expanders. I saw the recovery pics of the other and the stomach incision is across the entire belly. I'm already a mess and don't want more. I will have a back scar, but it's less. They actually don't take off the muscle they rotate it under my arm. It's nauseating thinking about it. I'm sure I'll cry some more.  

I could only hope my skin has a chance to bounce back and he say, " wow, I think we can do this without the muscle procedure". I will Will my healing and make that happen. I grew hair with sheet Will, I shall heal my skin. 

I am to see him mid January and then keep him posted on healing so he can determine if we can proceed for February 14th. I will most likely need 2 weeks off, but it has to get done-or the change out won't happen forever. I cried when I found out I'll have three drains. I'm just sad again. This sucks. Hospital stay 2-3 nights he said. More fun. 

Maybe I should accept my freakness and just not do it at all. Maybe it's too risky. I don't know. 

A lot of emotions swirling around.