Nothing says stay in bed like a dark room with rain and thunder outside... I love it!!!!...Okay, I know you want to curse me, but it not only makes me not feel bad for being out in the sun, swimming, biking and having fun, it waters my plants...and I have a brown thumb. It also motivated me to clean and purge my closet! Work in progress!
I got a phone call today from the nuclear medicine office to schedule my Mugg scan. I was kind of putting it off, thinking next week sounded good. Nope. They are open on Wednesday at 10:00 a.m. Oh Joy! They cannot put the radioactive dye in me through my port, they have to tap a vein and give me an IV. I HATE IVS!!! I am not looking forward to Wednesday. The scan otherwise is painless, I just lay there and the machine moves slowly over my heart at different angles measuring the pumping activity. Hope it is still working good....
Got a little dose of reality today when I went to work for a meeting. I know it will be both physically and mentally challenging for me at the start. Physically it will be tiring. Granted I stay feeling good on Taxol, I need to step up my activity regimen. I need to exercise more and build up stamina to work with a class full of kids all day. I am sure I will be wiped by bedtime...maybe then I will get some good rest. I am looking at the bright side of exhaustion! It will also be taxing on me mentally. I will have to overcome the self esteem issues I have being the "temporary" me. I am sure my class and coworkers will be great, but it isn't them I worry about, it is me. You have to be comfortable in your own skin and it is one of the most challenging things to deal with going through chemo. It takes a lot of work to hide what I really look like. Prior to this, I was a pretty low maintenance kind of girl, I am out of my element and am pretty self conscious. This too, I will manage. I am sure I will cry before coming to school, stomp my feet and beg Brad to let me stay home. He will kick me out the door and tell me it will all be fine. And it will. I hope. Only a few months...long months....
I have some time to work on this anxiety. I am working on mindful meditation. I think controlling my thoughts will help elevate some stress, fears and allow me restful sleep. I think I am a pretty strong person, and I am optimistically happy in general. But I cannot lie and say that this is easy and no big deal. It is a huge deal and each day it doesn't get easier. It really doesn't. Each day is a battle against myself. I just have to make sure the good side of me wins! I have to be honest, if I didn't have my kids, I don't know if I could do this as well as I am. They make me laugh, keep me busy, care for me and are just the most perfect little monsters I could have ever asked for. They are my strength. I do this because of them, with them and for them.
You know Donnanne - I just love how honest you are. Seriously. You are so amazing to be able to tell the world (or at least those 100 of us or so that are following this blog) that you are scared, tired, angry, etc., while also knowing that you are able to handle this, etc. You're sharing your inner battles (and some of your external ones too - ewww) but we really appreciate knowing what's going on with you. I'm soooooo sooooo glad you got through Taxol with flying colors so far. Thank God. Seriously. And maybe we can walk in the mornings sometime - I'm still off running for awhile and need to get in a better routine for at least getting in a good walk regularly. Will be hoping that your ticker is still ticking strong. Hang in there - hope your clean closets are making you happy. That and meditation (can you do it without giggling??) :)
ReplyDeleteWe should try that walking meditation again... I could not do it, the whole room looked like zombies shuffling along!!! If I would have made eye contact with you I would have lost it!! I would love to walk, I am not an early bird right now, so maybe after work? We can walk fast to beat the bugs.... Hugs!
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