I chickened out with the sleep meds. I have a hard time putting junk into my body, even though I am willingly being poisoned on a regular basis. I PROMISE, that I am taking an Ativan tonight, at 10:00 p.m., no ifs, ands or butts about it. I took a stupid Benadryl, and it just doesn't work. Done with those unless I have an allergic reaction to something. I can't tell if I am beat because I am not sleeping, the chemo still has me worn down, or the blood transfusion failed. Maybe I got lazy red blood cells from a slacker who gave blood for a Target gift card or a quart of ice cream. Or worse, a hobo. I am still creeped out by the transfusion. In a discussion tonight, a friend referred to it as "body juices". Okay, that is totally disgusting... barf! Too late now, what's done is done. Hobo juice. Slacker juice. Or..Chris Cornell juice...yeah baby... Anyway, it is the lazies I am suffering from, with the random stomach ache. Overall better than the weekend for sure, but not good enough to go to yoga. I am done with trying until the AC is over. Just not even going to care. Battle ended, chemo won, yoga lost.
Tomorrow I go for blood-work and I know the drill. I will be really, really low on the white blood cell count because the Nuelasta hasn't kicked in. I got it on Sunday so we are only on day 5 and I am the late bloomer. Which means I will be on lockdown for the weekend. We are thinking of going to the cabin anyway. No baseball, no softball, no people or stores to avoid, just the four of us and fresh air. I think we should go-nothing stopping us and my gut feeling is to get out of dodge while I can. I am hoping that all the other counts are good and that I will be on the up and up for the next two weeks. I will be gearing up for the last and final AC. Maybe I will get a few things done that I started and couldn't finish, like Marley's room. I can't wait to post that picture when done.. I can't wait for it to be done because the whole upstairs is full of her junk and she needs to be in her room. Brad is actually putting the second coat of paint on right now. Then clean up and build furniture. Yeah!!
Today I skyped with my class and it was crazy. I wore my fake monk hair and a baseball cap. I figured that I would keep things as normal as possible. The funniest thing was that all they wanted to do was talk about random stuff. They asked me if I could guess what they had for snack, showing me paper towels, random stuff....kids never fail. One girl asked how my treatments were, that was the only thing they asked about me! Nobody asked how I was doing, or feeling or what I do all day...it was really quite funny. I had to generate a few questions to keep them somewhat focused. Either way it was a fun experience and I am glad I had a chance to do it. I am hoping that I have hair before the next school year, but if I don't, I don't think I can wear a wig each day. They are hot and itchy. Who wants to work like that. I think I may go bandana, and the kids will have the opportunity to watch me change. Not sure, hoping I have a crew cut by then, just always thinking.
Playing around with the wigs is fun, but at the end of the night I still have to face myself. The other night, Tuesday it was, I had the oddest thing ever happen to me in a mirror. I was washing up for bed, I had this yellow shirt that has a swoopy, cowl neck (the style that works for my new body, so keep an eye out and let me know where you see cute ones) and I looked in the mirror and I looked like the Dalai Lama. Or another monk. I did. It was weird. Then... I started washing my face and I looked up and my mascara was all under my eyes and I looked just like Uncle Fester, minus the lightbulb. True. Frightening. Especially when you are a woman. I washed fast and shook it off. I will have to say that it takes a lot each day to try to put yourself together enough to face the world. When I had hair and my normal body I would go all crunchy and not care about makeup or my hair and be me. Now I have to have makeup and earrings to make sure I still resemble a woman. This is hard stuff. I have ridiculously great friends and family, I don't know how women without the support I have do it. If you know anyone out there going through this kind of crap, reach out and give them a hug. Even if you don't know them well, an uplifting card or treat goes a long way. We may act and look like we are all good, but there are things you would never understand unless you personally traveled the same road. The physical stuff heals but the mental stuff is an ongoing battle. I have never been good at deception, and now I am playing that game with my body and looks everyday. Whoa. Weird.
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