I Passed!

Yippie!  I passed!  I passed!  My blood counts are all in the normal range...not the normal chemo range, the normal regular person range!  I am so happy!  We had the same nurse as last week and she knew I was stir crazy and jonzing to get out of the house. When she returned to give me the news, she had printed the Target logo out for me and gave me my "Target Pass."  Who-hoo!!!  I thought that was pretty sweet of her, they are very nice and treat me well.

I hit a few stores and felt human again.  I now have a bit of freedom to roam.  I will still play it smart and stay away from crowded stores on the weekends and restaurants at prime time. I shall take no chances.  I am going to do this right and stay on schedule.... my master plan has a time line.

I have been struggling with two things this week. One is the mirror. Again. I had a mini pity party last night because when I look in the mirror I do not see myself, unless I look into my eyes.  I feel very unattractive and that can be tough. Brad reassured me it wasn't so, but it is hard to believe. You can hear it from people, but unless you see it personally, it is just plain difficult to believe.  Kristin told me tonight that I don't look all that different, she said she doesn't notice my lack of hair when I am wearing a hat.  Maybe I a master of disguise, which right now is a skill. But it is a skill I am not all that used to. I am a low maintenance gal... Getting "presentable" is hard!  Mainly, it is the going to bed, and getting ready in the morning.. What do I wear? What fits? Do I put the fakies on? What bandana or hat should I wear? Put eye make up on to draw away from your egghead....  I covet Marley's hair... I want mine back... I know, deal with it... I am...but just imagine yourself in my shoes.  Not so pretty eh?

This brings me to the next thing that has bothered me this week. As you know I have urged all of you to make sure you are up on your mammograms.  I know I was taking one for the team, but needed you all to be on your game and get checked out. I have been getting many reports from friends. Most are checking out, some have gone for follow up procedures and unfortunately now, one of my friends has joined the club. The sucky ass cancer club. WTF!  I cannot explain the feelings I have had about this.  I am shocked, saddened and happy at the same time. Not happy for her to have breast cancer, but happy that it was found. What if she didn't go? What if she was one of you that is in denial or say that you will do it later?  She wasn't. And now she has to go through the mess I did and possibly I am in. Please don't email or text me and ask who it is, because it isn't my news to share. Don't worry, I did get permission to share that this has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart.  The thing is, this makes me stronger. I feel that I have, and want to be a role model for my friend. Like Jane and Katie are for me. Women Pioneers.  Problem is that I am not even close to being done and don't have all the answers. However, everything is stinking fresh and I feel that I can help her through the upcoming tests and what not.  I can possibly take a little of the anxiety and mystery away, or at least I hope I can.  I just hate it. I hate that I have to do it and I hate that a friend has to do it too.  I don't understand.  I keep telling her, We Can Do It.  I say that because I believe that.  I didn't know it was going to be more than me. It really sucks.


With all that is going on in my head, with my friends, I still will keep a positive attitude and laugh my way through this mess.  I was at Dane's game tonight and there is this depressing woman who always complains about everything and mopes around and has a dark cloud over her head.  She makes me depressed being in her presence. To me, she is the kind of person who brings the unhealthiness to her, she is unhappy, emanates misery and just is sad.  Here I am, all goofy and goofy looking and I can find a way to laugh. I can find the bright side of just about anything.  It is that mind and body connection.  So, yeah, I feel physically awkward, but inside I am still me and when this me is all refurbished, and tripped out... Pimp my mom style, Look Out World...No Debby Downer for  me...... Live, Laugh, Love....as cheesy and over printed as that is, it is a  great motto to live by.

Thoughts and Love to all!