Weekend Edition

I felt so good this weekend that I almost forgot that I was under treatment.  When you snap yourself back into reality it is a big letdown.  :(  Yesterday was a busy day with each kid having a game.  Dane's game was so hot and sunny I almost left.  Then a mom suggested I watch the game from inside the concession stand.  It was a great view, cool and shady.  I got to finish the game.  It is going to be hard this summer with avoiding the sun.  I wore light pants and a light long sleeve shirt and a giant hat.  I actually looked like I should have been going yachting.  After the games we went to my brother's house for my niece's birthday.  Didn't get home until after 9 and Marley had done a mud course at my brother's house and was caked in mud and had to be bathed.  Mom work never ends.  Overall I felt so good, I really wanted this to be not real.

Today was also a good day.  Less productive and a little slower.  Once again, avoided the sun, which makes me a vampire.  So really I am the vampire pirate wife.  Argh! I vant to suck yer blood, mate.  All day I wore a skirt and my daily cami and my bandana.  It is my house and I wanted to be comfortable and cool.  I figured if anyone was coming to visit me, they are my friends and know the deal. I wasn't embarrassed of my flatness.  This is who I am.  I will not be a slave to conformity in my home.  It is the one safe place for me to be...me.  I did have a few visitors, and I just didn't care.  They are my friends and they love me for who I am.  It is kind of empowering to just not care. I cannot do the bald thing, I don't think I ever will be that comfortable. We all have our limits.  Crew cut, yes.....

I am hoping that I will feel good for the next four days.  I almost feel like I only have four days left ever of feeling good. Friday is chemo and then that next week is bad.  I am hoping that whole, chemo is cumulative, idea is all mumbo jumbo.  I don't want to feel sick longer.  One week is enough.  I know this may be crazy, but we are considering going up to the cabin for Memorial Day weekend.  Friday I get chemo...so do I go up there and just be sick there?  I am not sure. I am torn.  I want my family to go up there, it is a tradition, and have fun.  On the other hand, I am worried that it will just really be a bad idea for me to go.  But knowing me, I will go.  My family will not go without me.  All or none.  I will end up pushing myself and going there, I know it.  Maybe a change of scenery, we all know I need it, will do me good.  I guess I can lay in bed there as well as I can lay on the couch here.  I think the one thing I worry about most is lack of proper bathroom. I asked about that.  I asked if my urine would be dangerous to my family if it was in the porta potty.  The nurse said it doesn't leave a toxic cloud or anything and as long as the kids aren't playing in there, (that would be a whole other issue, eww) it would be fine.  I just don't know!  What if it is awful?  What about coming home in the car Monday night? What if that is 3.5 hours of sickness in the car?  Oh Hell, I can't do all those what ifs... I should just plan to go.  At least I will feel good this week to get ready to go.  You just witnessed the crazy!

Final thought.  I find it hard to believe that Friday will be round 3 of the big chemo.  That is amazing. I feel like I just had surgery yesterday, but also feel like this has been forever. The time thing is all messed up.  I will have only one more of the big guns after this.  That is June 14th I believe. Then after that, 3 weeks after I think, I start the Taxol and my hair can grow!  It is still growing and I am patchy.  I am hoping it will stay. Brad thinks it will all fall out too.  What does he know!! One can dream of little things, since my dream of winning the PowerBall was crushed.  Who needs 600 million dollars? Not me I guess.   Money doesn't buy you health and happiness....  I shall quit rambling and move on...g'nite!