I woke up feeling pretty good today, which made me happy. Then I had a cleaning lady come and that made me even happier.... so far an upswing of a day. In fact, most of the day I felt pretty darn good. I got hungry, kept food down and didn't stay horizontal all day. Improvement. I can't say that I feel awesome right now, but it could be the end of the day winding down in my gut. The thing that is bothering me the most is my port. I really don't like it. I mean, I like it for blood draw and chemo, but I HATE it otherwise. I always feel it, it rubs on other parts of me, I feel twinges in my chest and arm. It creeps me out totally. There is a constant feeling of uncomfortableness. I am going to the surgeon tomorrow, I will tell her my hatred of this thing protruding from my clavicle. Yucky.
My second issue is the hair. If I lived up north on our land, I would care less. If I lived solely around my friends, I would care somewhat less, but I don't. I live in a society where women are seen as attractive via physical features like body shape and hair. I have neither. I just don't recognize myself and it is a little foreign to me. I feel very much like Sigourney Weaver in Aliens, all butch and sci fi. I just look soooooo different. I have been working on photo albums when Brad frees up the computer, and I cannot believe that I am that same person. I was that person my whole life and now I am someone I can't connect with in the mirror. I know, temporary. I get that and it keeps me going. But as for the daily thing, of course I think I look awful. Of course I think that I scream, "sick person". Of course I think I look like guy. Of course I think everyone is looking at me. Of course I wish I looked like I did, only a couple of months ago. It is easy to say deal with it- and of course I am, but this is a difficult thing for a woman. This is a difficult thing for me. I feel like there is nothing womanly about me, and even a grungy girl like me cares about that.
No worries, I am not depressed. I shower quickly so that nightmare is over quickly. I am sporting the bandana look. My family's favorite look. I am not unhappy, I am not even mad anymore. I am harnessing all the good energy I need to heal myself and move on. Next year I will be a new woman, with lots of crazy red hair and super model boobies. Until then I will be the one hiding on my porch, for a few more days at least, visiting with wonderful friends, reading to my kids, and finding other ways to make my body heal faster.
Oh shoot. It's been wayyyy too long since I've read & commented. I just caught up. I'm soooo sorry you went through such hell after this round. Wish there was something we could do to make it better. I'm really glad the vitamix is working. Your school rocks for getting you that. how amazing. sorry too not to stop to talk this am. train of kids wasn't stopping, and you weren't on porch when i got back & I had to run to work. Am thinking of you even when I can't drag my sorry behind down 3 doors to stop over. I want to see your clean porch & your hat from anthro. you rock for posting your true feelings. im sure someone, sometime, is going to be extremely relieved reading this knowing someone else has gone through the same things. Will catch you soon. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks Karen, and if Erin you are reading this, I was having trouble responding the other day. I did pick out the two wigs. Now that I am bald, I don't know if I want to wear them. They are hot and are too much hair. If it was socially acceptable to be bald, I would. Talk about cool and easy... I will hold on to the short one, and may return the longer one because I probably won't wear it. I may look for a second short one. I did get an Afro and a blue sparkle wig today tho...You never know when you need a good afro...maybe to embarrass the kids if they are naughty?
ReplyDeleteKaren, I totally understand that everyone has lives! Just cuz I am here bored most of the time, that is my problem! I could veg out on tv or something, but I am really okay listening to my body. I have great friends and coworkers who visit and it is just nice chatting. Never worry if you are busy, that is good! It keeps you young! Love and Hugs